Scenes From An Elevator: An Idiotic Utena Spamfic By: Dreiser EPISODE FORTY: Kawaii Vengeance SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the shadow of Tenjou Utena is seen sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. UTENA: (Busy shooting people with her rapid fire nerf machine gun.) Hehehe... SCENE: Outside the Rose Garden. A huge group of Ohtori residents have gathered and are yelling at a very distressed Mamo... Rose Bride. Around them are several of their fallen comrades, covered in nerf. As they talk a barrage of nerf darts fly past, sometimes hitting people in their group, sometimes not. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. ROSE BRIDE: (Frowns demurely.) I'm sorry, I really am! I have no idea why Utena-sama is doing this. GIRL GROUPIE #4: (Irate.) Well, we do! It's to impress you so you go on and tell her to stop, Anthy! ROSE BRIDE: (Blinks.) To impress me? (She blushes and hops up and down a bit.) Really? Oh, Utena-sama! GIRL GROUPIE #245: (Scowls.) Don't be so-- (She gets cut off as twenty darts hit her and she topples over.) ROSE BRIDE: (Covers her mouth with her hand.) Oh! ZOMBIE STUDENT #10: (Points at Rose Bride.) See?! See what your treachery has done! You've got to go to the mouth of the beast and tell her to stop! (Everyone stares at him.) What?! She's a beast! (He waves at the huge pile of bodies behind him.) Look at everyone she's hit! ROSE BRIDE: (Muses.) If anyone can stop Utena-sama from her nerf rampage I would suppose it would be me... ALL: (Very irate.) Duh!!! ROSE BRIDE: (Smiles softly.) I'll do it. (She turns on her heel and gracefully strides towards the elevator, somehow avoiding the barrage of nerf darts being fired off.) No one worry, I'll take of my darling Utena-sama! ZOMBIE STUDENT #54: (Frowns.) I don't have a good feeling about this. I mean... Anthy doesn't seem to be like herself lately, you know? GIRL GROUPIE #01: (Nods.) Yeah, something's off. GIRL GROUPIE #903: (Hits her fist in the palm of her hand and exclaims.) I know! (Everyone looks at her.) She changed her hairstyle, didn't she? (There's a loud crash as everyone falls over. Some because of the stupidity of this comment and some due to the fact Utena is now using her nerf rocket launcher.) SCENE: The main ballroom in the French Le Ramada Inn. A huge crowd has gathered for the auction to keep AniLesboCon running for ten years instead of nine. On stage is the MC for the event, Yanagida Ichino. She's doing her level best to calm down a pissed off Shampoo who's just found out a date with her has been auctioned off to someone in the crowd. Sitting in the back of the ballroom on comfy chairs and behind a long desk and on a way too tall platform are Arisugawa Juri, Tenoh Haruka, Kaioh Michiru, and Rapier Saris. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. ICHINO: (Waves her hands around.) I'm telling you I had nothing to do with it, Shampoo! It was all Arisugawa! SHAMPOO: (Glares.) Just because Shampoo knock down a few walls in hotel no reason to do this. ICHINO: (Laughs nervously.) Yeah, well, fifty seven walls, a few, it's all the same right? SHAMPOO: (Narrows her eyes and moves away from Ichino. She sniffs and folds her arms over her chest.) Is fine. Shampoo no pick on Icchan. Osaka people be mad. ICHINO: (Still laughing nervously.) Yeah... go Tigers... SHAMPOO: (Glares at crowd now.) Who is bidding on Shampoo? (Stamps her foot cutely.) She want know! VOICE: It was me darling! (Most everyone in the ballroom stares in shock at the figure that floats onstage. Including Shampoo herself.) SHAMPOO: (Eyes wide.) Is you...? LUM: (Huge smile. Opens her arms as she flies quickly towards Shampoo.) Darling! I've looked all over for you! You can't just beat me in hide and seek and run away, the rules of my planet say we're engaged! SHAMPOO: (Eyes go wider. She shrieks and hops on her bicycle and takes off.) Shampoo leaving!! (Shampoo and her bike go crashing through another undamaged portion of the wall, now leaving an even larger hole. There's definitely more hole than wall. In fact, when using stupid Author mathematics, there's 20% wall and 95% hole. Yeah, horrible isn't it?) LUM: (Flies after.) Come back darling! Lum just wants to show you some of the Oni kama sutra!! ICHINO: (Stares at the weird couple as they leave. She narrows her eyes and looks up.) You've stared at the kinky Shampoo and Lum picture one time too many, haven't you? And what happened to Ataru? AUTHOR: (Waves her hand.) Ataru is busy being the anomaly that's a male lesbian. Lum turned to other more fun interests. (Nervous laugh.) And what picture? ICHINO: (Rolls her eyes.) You don't fool me, missy. AUTHOR: (Defensive.) I'm docile and innocent! ICHINO: (Snorts and starts laughing.) Right and I'm-- (The rest of Icchan's statement is cut off as a huge nerf rocket hits her and she goes flying into the crowd.) AUTHOR: (Smug tones.) Docile and innocent. AKARI: (Panicked shout.) Icchan! Bad author! AUTHOR: (Shrugs.) It was Utena, not me. AKARI: (Jumps on stage, her bunny ears bouncing. She makes a fist and declares.) I will have kawaii vengeance! (Akari runs off and everyone in the ballroom is quiet.) KRIS: (Looks at Icchan who, for some reason, is in her lap.) That was fairly out of character for her, wasn't it? ICHINO: (Groans and rubs her head.) Everything in this damn fic is out of character, Christopher. KRIS: (Mulls over this.) Yes, well, shouldn't we go after Akari? Letting her pursue vengeance seems a bit odd. ICHINO: (Groans some more.) I guess. (Kris and Icchan run out of the ballroom and everyone watches. Meanwhile, in the back of the ballroom with the cool people...) JURI: (Glares at Haruka and Michiru.) Don't you two have something to do? Away from here, perhaps? HARUKA & MICHIRU: (Smile serenely.) Nope. JURI: (Glares some more.) You little... RAPIER: (Clasps Juri's shoulder.) Juri-san? JURI: (Looks up at Rapier.) Yes? RAPIER: (Points at the stage.) It appears as if the auction has just lost its Master of Ceremonies. JURI: (Scowls.) Just great. Now who am I supposed to get to replace her? SCENE: A random field of flowers in Ohtori. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai holds Mokona and sits next to Tiger. They're watching the Senshi bodyguards fight. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. MOKONA: (Dry tones.) Puu, pu puu. AI: (Laughs.) Yes, that's true. I wonder what Mommy Haruka was thinking when she hired these four. They're more interested in discussing who's the most influential out of them rather than protecting me. TIGER: (Looks at Ai.) That is why I'm here. AI: (Beams at Tiger and hangs onto her arm.) I know! And don't think I don't appreciate it, Tiger-san. TIGER: (Turns bright red.) Yes... that's... I... RANDOM VOICE: Kawaii vengeance will be mine!! TIGER: (Blinks.) Eh? (Even the four unknown Senshi stop bickering to turn and watch Kanzaki Akari dash across the field of flowers at an abnormal pace as she shouts.) AKARI: (Reinforces.) Kawaii vengeance on Utena! AI: (Stares at Akari.) I wonder what that's about? MOKONA: (Murmurs.) Puu... TIGER: (Slowly.) I have no idea. ICHINO: (Breathing heavily and chasing after Akari.) Dammit, Akari! Come back you bimbo! You don't gotta get kawaii vengeance on no one, I'm fine! KRIS: (Chasing after Akari as well.) Indeed! She's back to her usual foul mouthed not charming self! ICHINO: (Glares at Kris.) Shut up, hippie!! AI: (Eyes go wide. She jumps to her feet and drops Mokona with a puu.) Oh no! Do you think there's trouble at AniLesboCon? My Mommies! (Ai goes running off in the direction of the convention and Tiger watches this for a moment then blinks.) TIGER: (Shouts loudly.) Ai-chan! Come back! There's always trouble at that stupid convention! MOKONA: (Hopping after.) Puu! Puu puu!! LEAD CROW: (Blinks.) What's going on? LETHE: (Scowls.) That stupid Saber Doll! She thinks she can protect Ai better, does she? We'll show her! (She then grabs Mnemosyne's hand and takes off after them.) We're the best bodyguards around! LEAD CROW: (Stares at Aluminum Siren. Repeats.) What's going on? ALUMINUM SIREN: (Fond smile.) Lets get going, Crow-sama. It's our job to protect Ai, remember? And if we do a good job you know what that means... LEAD CROW: (Huge grin.) More fangirls. ALUMINUM SIREN: (Sly smile.) Exactly. (The two remaining Senshi depart after Ai.) SCENE: Unknown location. Lucrezia Noin is wearing a dry expression. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. NOIN: (Raises an eyebrow.) Yes, this isn't just one of my random scenes in an episode. I'll have you know that the Author has decided I'm a figure of some importance for AniLesboCon. Because I am... (Insert dramatic pause as Noin looks ultra cool.) The head of Security!! (There's echoing silence and the lesbian crickets from last episode hop into the scene, landing on Noin's shoulder.) NOIN: (Smirks.) Nice crickets. (She rises to her feet and grabs a nearby jacket from somewhere.) Anyway, as the head of Security, I should retrieve my team from that strip club I sent them too. (She stops.) What? Why did I send them there? (She smirks more.) Well, everyone deserves some time off, don't they? (With that, Noin walks off, disappearing into the distance to go in search of her missing Security team.) SCENE: The main ballroom in the French Le Ramada Inn. A huge crowd has gathered for the auction to keep AniLesboCon running for ten years instead of nine. On stage is no one since the MC for the event, Yanagida Ichino has disappeared. Sitting in the back of the ballroom on comfy chairs and behind a long desk and on a way too tall platform are Arisugawa Juri, Tenoh Haruka, Kaioh Michiru, and Rapier Saris. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. JURI: (Muses.) Who should be the new MC...? (She runs her eyes over the crowd of Anime lesbians and locks them on Haruka.) Hmmm. HARUKA: (Narrows her eyes.) No way. I'm not exactly people friendly like Yanagida there. JURI: (Sighs.) Point. RAPIER: (Hand on her sword. Looks cool.) Perhaps I could help, Juri- san? I would host the auction if you like. JURI: (Stares at Rapier and her dignified bearing and blushes despite herself.) No... as much as I do like you, you're far too gallant for something like that, Rapier. MICHIRU: (Sneaky tones.) You like her? JURI: (Turns redder. Glares at Michiru.) Kaoih! RANDOM VOICE: Mommies! Are you okay? JURI & HARUKA: (Surprised.) Ai-chan! AI: (Beams widely from where she stands on the stage. She waves at them.) Hi Mommies! I'm glad you're okay! TIGER: (Runs over to Ai with Mokona.) Ai, don't do that again. I'm your bodyguard remember? AI: (Hangs onto Tiger, resting her chin on her shoulder.) How could I forget? TIGER: (Turns red again.) Ai-chan... your parents... AI: (Looks at the dumbfounded Juri/Haruka.) What about them? They look fine to me. JURI: (Twitches with rage.) Tiger... TIGER: (Squeaks.) Eep! AI: (Blinks.) Mommy Juri? What's wrong? HARUKA: (Growls.) Arisugawa, you said that your bodyguard was a perpetual arrow! She doesn't look like an arrow to me! JURI: (Glares at Tiger.) She used to be one. AI: (Puzzled expression, asks Tiger.) An arrow? But I thought you were a Saber Doll. TIGER: (Very nervous, inches away from Ai and most of all, Juri.) I am... at least, for now. AI: (Has an idea. Looks mischievous.) Does that mean if you're really good you'll become a real girl? TIGER: (Blushes at Ai's lascivious smile.) Uhm... AI: (Moves closer to Tiger.) Good at what, I wonder? JURI & HARUKA: (Cry out.) Ai-chan!! AI: (Looks at her parents.) What? It was just a question. LEAD CROW: (Heaving deep breaths, runs on stage with Aluminum Siren, Lethe, and Mnemosyne behind her.) We found you at last, evil Saber seductress! TIGER: (Confused.) Evil Saber what? (A loud cough sounds and everyone turns, surprised, to look at the always gallant figure of Rapier Saris.) RAPIER: (Is gallant. Calmly states.) I think we're over looking the true problem, aren't we? (Everyone continues to stare at her and she sighs.) We need a new MC. ALL: (Dimly.) Ohhhh... SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko are seen. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. A-KO: (Sarcastic tones.) Are we still infidels? B-KO: (Haughty.) Yes and you always will be. A-KO: (Smirks.) That's a comforting thought. C-KO: (Wisely nods.) Some things never change. (As A-ko and B-ko stare strangely at C-ko, the scene fades to black.) To be continued... The coolest characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I write when extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's spam, spam, spammmm! Send donations to: dreiser0@earthlink.net The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will AniLesboCon (now) 2001 still be going on?! Can Akari get kawaii vengeance on Utena?! Is the Author of this spamfic really docile?! And who will be the new MC of the AniLesboCon auction?! Noin?! No! Chat with me on Yahoo Messenger! I'm dreiser3. Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at: http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/Dreiser/dreiser.html To read SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fics go to: http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/UFR/ Listen to the excellent SFAE radio production here: http://envy.nu/sfaeatlantis/ AniLesboCon 2001; Because the best women are animated: http://www.shoujoai.com/~anilesbocon/ A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION: "You're dumb and you're ugly and you will be a slave otherwise we'll kill everyone and their favorite pets, mess up their rooms, bust their favorite toys and if they have any trophies we'll take those too and bury them in the backyard!" -Jinnai Katsuhiko; El Hazard- SAIONJI: (Frowns.) Mean sort, isn't he? WAKABA: (Snorts and takes a drag of her cigarette.) Obviously. Why else say something like that? (They stop and stare at each other.) SAIONJI & WAKABA: (Shocked.) You??? WAKABA: (Scowls and flicks her cigarette aside.) Hey! Stupid Author! Why stick me with him in the credits?! SAIONJI: (Sniffs.) Indeed. I know that I've been lax in my appearances but to put me here with her... CHU CHU: (Appears.) Chu! Chu chuuuu. WAKABA: (Calms down.) Well, that IS a good point. SAIONJI: (Muses.) Nicely explained, friend Chu Chu. CHU CHU: (Grins widely.) Chu chu, chu. WAKABA: (Cracks up.) No way! She thought that while seeing Planet of the Apes? Sick! SAIONJI: (Laughs as well.) She is truly a sad creature. CHU CHU: (Smirks.) Chuuuu.