Scenes From An Elevator: An Idiotic Utena Spamfic By: Dreiser EPISODE THIRTY EIGHT: Call In The Bodyguards SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the shadow of Tenjou Utena is seen sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. UTENA: (Squints her eyes then smiles slowly.) Bingo. (Utena fires a nerf dart off into the distance. The sound of a faint 'thwap' and cursing is heard.) UTENA: (Chuckles softly.) My targeting is getting better and better. It's only a matter of time before I destroy Akio. (Her eyes get a manic gleam.) Then Ohtori will be mine!! Bwahaha--- (She stops to consider this.) Wait a minute, I don't want Ohtori. Dammit... what are my motives again? (She shrugs.) Oh well, at least I'll destroy Akio. He's evil. SCENE: The Upside Down Castle. Ohtori Akio is sitting in a lazyboy recliner next to Dios who sits on his own. They're staring at the big screen television in front of them. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. AKIO: (Sneezes.) Ugh. I hate allergies. DIOS: (Looks concerned.) ... AKIO: (Nods and rubs his nose.) Yeah, they run in my family. Anthy has the worst allergies with flowers. DIOS: (Is solemn.) ... AKIO: (Sighs wistfully.) I like pansies myself. DIOS: (Quirks an eyebrow.) ...? AKIO: (Offended.) Pansies are very manly flowers! DIOS: (Smirks.) ... AKIO: (Grumps.) Pansies are not girly at all... SCENE: Second unmain ballroom in the French Le Ramada Inn. Aino Minako is sitting in a chair panting. There's a large crowd gathered to see Arisugawa Juri, just because, well, she's Juri-sama after all. AniLesboCon Mascot, Yuriko, stands next to Juri looking nervous. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. JURI: (Looks up.) That I am. (She averts her gaze to Minako who is still sitting.) Aren't you supposed to be working, Aino? MINAKO: (Slowly rises to her feet.) I swear, this ain't worth it... even if I do have a small harem here... YURIKO: (Stands next to Juri.) She has a harem? JURI: (Waves it off.) Most everyone has a harem here with all the Anime lesbians and fangirls hanging around. YURIKO: (Wonders.) Why doesn't she have her harem move all the chairs around for her then? MINAKO: (Groans loudly in the distance.) NOW someone suggests that. Ahh... my back needs realignment. YURIKO: (Smiles slowly and looks nervous as she faces Juri.) Eh... Juri-san? Why are we here exactly? JURI: (Smiles slowly at Yuriko.) You'll hear it soon enough along with the rest of the convention goers. YURIKO: (Looks very nervous now. Squeaks.) Great. JURI: (Taps the microphone.) Is this on? GLEEFUL SHOUTS: Juri-sammmmma!! JURI: (Smirks.) Apparently so. (She coughs.) Well, ladies, how are you enjoying AniLesboCon? (Ecstatic cries and a few catcalls are given.) Wonderful. I know you're curious why I arranged this announcement, but it appears that our funds are running a bit short and we might have to end the convention a year or two early... unless we raise money. (Disappointed murmurs and sobbing are heard.) YURIKO: (Eyes go wide.) Is this true, Juri-san? JURI: (Smiles softly at Yuriko.) Somewhat. (She turns back to the microphone.) Therefore, we'll be holding an auction in this ballroom tomorrow where you can bid for a month worth of dates with our Mascot, Yuriko! (Shouts encompass the room and she shrugs.) Oh, what the hell, why not three months worth of dates! (The ballroom is now close to a riot.) YURIKO: (Dangerously pale.) J-J-Juri-san... why? JURI: (Turns to face Yuriko and her eyes glint.) Haruka really is the least of your parental worries when it comes to Ai. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to see some Anime lesbians about being auctioned off. I wasn't lying, you know. If we want to keep the con running for ten years we'll need another million. Otherwise it'll only last for nine years and isn't that disappointing? (Yuriko, still looking dangerously pale, slowly studies the faces of the women who will bid on her tomorrow. She gulps then in a time defying movement, disappears from the room with a cloud of dust. Some of the crowd follow the trail of dust that gives a clue to where she went.) JURI: (Watches this.) I almost feel bad for her. PAINED VOICE: You should, Arisugawa. JURI: (Turns to take in Haruka. She's looking altogether weary and her clothes are rumpled.) What happened to you? Did Michiru take her punishments over the edge? HARUKA: (Tries to smooth back her hair but just makes her cowlick go even more insane.) She made me watch the videos she made. JURI: (Echoes.) Videos? HARUKA: (Groans.) The videos of me flirting with girls. JURI: (Wisely.) Ah. (Blinks.) Then why do you look so... HARUKA: (Offers.) Beaten up? (Juri nods.) She critiqued my flirting techniques and every time it wasn't up to par-- JURI: (Holds up her hands.) That's enough information! HARUKA: (Tries to smooth her hair again but now it's sticking up in every direction, making her look frazzled.) I have to ask though, why did you do that to Yuriko? JURI: (Sniffs and folds her arms over her chest.) Our darling Ai-chan is far too innocent to associate with the likes of AniLesboCon's Mascot. By auctioning off three months worth of dates with Yuriko, we not only make money but keep her busy and away from Ai. Along with the added bonus that Yuriko just might find someone she likes in those piles of dates she'll be having. HARUKA: (Whistles with admiration.) Damn. You're a slick one, you know that, Arisugawa? (She frowns.) But Ai still might try to see Yuriko. How do we stop that? JURI: (Smirks.) Already thought of that. I hired a bodyguard. She's been told to... wane Ai away from the idea of Yuriko if she brings it up. HARUKA: (Frowns severely.) And how do we know this bodyguard won't try something with Ai-chan? I mean, Ai IS our daughter. She's got that natural charm. JURI: (Laughs.) I hired the straightest of the straight Anime characters to be our Ai's bodyguard. Trust me on this, Tenoh. The Marionette is a perpetual arrow. HARUKA: (Still frowning.) I don't trust that. I've met plenty of girls who've claimed to be straight then change their minds when it comes to me. I'd like to get some bodyguards of my own choosing... just to be safe. JURI: (Shrugs.) That's fine with me. The more protection our little girl has, the better. HARUKA: (Smiles slowly.) Good. I have the perfect underused and unknown Senshi in mind. And they're a pair of couples at that. Ones that nevvvvvver cheat. JURI: (Arches an eyebrow.) Oh? Who? HARUKA: (Chuckles.) You'll see. (They're quiet for a moment, then Haruka looks at Juri.) Arisugawa? JURI: (Studying Haruka's funky hair.) Yes? HARUKA: (Attempts to smooth her hair one last time and causes it to get static electricity filled.) Do you think we're maybe a bit overprotective when it comes to Ai? JURI: (Considers this.) No. HARUKA: (Nods her head.) Me too. SCENE: A random field of flowers in Ohtori. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai runs through it laughing. She holds Tiger's hat in her hands and Mokona is bouncing after her, 'puu'-ing away happily. Tiger chases after them both. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. AI: (Laughing as she turns around. Running backwards, she faces Tiger and waves her hat a bit.) C'mon, Tiger-san! I know you can catch up with me if you want! TIGER: (Growling nonthreateningly.) Ai-chan! I said give me my hat back! It's a family heirloom!! (Ai laughs again but comes to a stop abruptly. So abruptly that Tiger runs right into her and they go falling over. Ai is smiling as Tiger hovers over her, their faces barely apart.) AI: (Smirks at Tiger and holds up the hat impishly.) You wanted this, Tiger-san? TIGER: (Stares at Ai.) Yes... I did... AI: (Smiles softly.) I'll just put it on for you. (She gently places that hat on Tiger's head.) There. It looks good. TIGER: (Nervous.) I think I did this scene before. AI: (Shakes her head.) No... you put the hat on Faust's head, not the other way around. And you were never on top of him either. Plus... (She looks impish again.) Faust doesn't look anything like me, does he? TIGER: (Softly.) No, he doesn't. AI: (Plays with a strand of Tiger's hair.) I think you're pretty, Tiger-san. Do you think I'm pretty? TIGER: (Eyes go wide.) Yes, but-- UNKNOWN VOICE: Ah hah! Tenoh called us just in time! She was right to think you weren't really straight as you seem!! TIGER: (Hastily moves off of Ai and blinks on seeing four women standing there.) Who are you? (The woman in front who has long red hair and a tan steps forward and smirks. Behind her is a woman with light blue hair who rolls her eyes and two women who look... well, they look almost exactly alike and have weird hair.) WOMAN: (Smugly.) I am Sailor Lead Crow! TIGER: (Blinks.) Who? LEAD CROW: (Blusters and turns red.) Sailor Lead Crow! One of the Animates! Tenoh hired me to guard Ai from those who would defile her, including you! TIGER: (Snarls.) What did you just say?! AI: (Interrupts.) Who are the others with you Crow-san? LEAD CROW: (Smiles.) Someone here does know me. I knew you'd be a smart girl, Ai-chan. AI: (Tilts her head to one side.) Of course I know your name. You just said it. I don't know who you are other than that though. LEAD CROW: (Scowls.) Stupid engineered kid... ALUMINUM SIREN: (Pats Lead Crow on the shoulder.) Calm down, Crow-sama. The reason Tenoh hired happens to be the fact that no one knows us. (She smiles at Ai.) I'm Sailor Aluminum Siren. AI: (Smiles easily.) Nice to meet you Siren-san. (She tilts her head to look at the two almost identical women with funky pink hairstyles. The one in pink dress clings to the one in a black dress.) And them? ALUMINUM SIREN: (Looks back at the women.) Oh. That's Sailor Lethe and Mnemosyne. They're attached at the hip. I think they only showed up in the Sailor Moon manga one time then they bit it. LETHE: (Sneers and holds onto Mnemosyne. She's the one in the black dress.) At least we had a canon romance! ALUMINUM SIREN: (Scowls.) Yeah? Well, MY Crow-sama was the Animate who survived the longest in the Anime series, so ha! You never even got animated! (Lethe and Aluminum Siren start arguing, soon sucking Lead Crow into the verbal sparring as Mnemosyne just continues to cling to Lethe and look sexy. Tiger heaves a sigh and looks over at Ai.) TIGER: (Lowly.) I don't think they'll be much help. AI: (Beams at Tiger.) No, but at least they're busy now. Want to get back to what we were doing, Tiger-san? (For a response, Tiger turns bright red.) LETHE: (Shouts loudly.) But the manga purists love us!! AI: (Sighs and looks at them.) Or maybe not. SCENE: Unknown location. Lucrezia Noin is playing video games. She gives the tiniest of smiles. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. NOIN: (Smiling still. Plays her game.) I'm good at everything. (Smiles more.) And I mean everything. SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko are seen. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. A-KO: (Notes.) The Author is still writing random Noin scenes I see. C-KO: (Comments.) They're in high demand apparently. A-KO: (Murmurs.) They annoy Ai-chan though. AI: (From a distance.) You bet they do!! A-KO: (Smirks.) See? C-KO: (Looks around.) Hey... where's B-ko? A-KO: (Shrugs.) I have no idea. She's been missing ever since she called us infidels then stomped off. B-KO: (Ponders this.) Oh. (As the two remaining Shadow Play Girls ponder the disappearance of B-ko, the scene fades to black.) To be continued... The coolest characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I write when extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's spam, spam, spammmm! Send credit card numbers and any hot tips about the location of my Clefairy to: dreiser0@earthlink.net The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will AniLesboCon (now) 2001 still be going on?! Will Ai really be protected by Tiger and the unknown Senshi foursome?! How many lesbians will bid for three months worth of dates with Yuriko?! Stay tuned! Chat with me on Yahoo Messenger! My i.d. is: dreiser3 Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at: http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/Dreiser/dreiser.html To read SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fics go to: http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/UFR/ Listen to the excellent SFAE radio production here: http://michiru.com/utena/ AniLesboCon 2001; Because the best women are animated: http://www.shoujoai.com/~anilesbocon/ A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION: "Ranma I says, you need yourself the brute strength of an Akane." -Saotome Ranma; Ranma 1/2- MAZE: (Studies the quote.) I think she hasn't been watching a lot of Anime recently. NANAMI: (Frowns.) Why do you say that? MAZE: (Points at quote.) Well, she's quoting Ranma. That's like... last ditch Anime to quote, if you ask me. NANAMI: (Frowns more.) Hmm. It's still better than the time she quoted Dragonball Z. MAZE: (Looks sickly.) Was I here for that? NANAMI: (Considers.) I don't think so. MAZE: (Still looks sickly.) Good.