Father Figure by E. Liddell --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Father Figure" overlaps in timeframe with "All that I've Ever Wanted". Any infelicities in formatting are due to the fact that I speed-converted this from raw HTML code. This story contains implied male/male sex. If that makes you uncomfortable, don't read it. As usual, Shoujo Kakumei Utena and associated characters do not belong to me, yadda yadda yadda. Direct any feedback to eliddell at dark hyphen kingdom dot de. (I trust that's clear enough for everyone to understand what I really mean.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you be so blasted wide awake at this hour of the morning? Judging from the angle of the sunlight, it's barely dawn. No honest man should be awake at this hour. But then, we aren't honest men, are we? Oh, *certainly* I can. I just *love* sex before breakfast. That's why I never actually sleep, in the literal sense of the word, with any of those girls. If I did, they'd want too much of me, just like you do. Morning is supposed to be a time for optimism, after all, isn't it? It's always possible, when you wake up, to imagine that today will be better than yesterday. Except when I wake up with your face mere inches from my own. Demanding. Nothing in my life has gone right since I met you. You want me to do *that*? Well, all right, but I still don't understand how you can bear it, much less enjoy it. But you do. Those shivers, those little noises that you're making . . . they're a reaction of pleasure, not pain. I'm very good at telling the two apart, as you doubtless know. After all, you're the one who taught me how. At first, I wanted nothing but to please you. How could I have felt otherwise? You were the one who took a lonely little rich boy and made him believe that he really was worth something. I used to imagine that maybe my father, my real father, was a bit like you. No, I don't really remember him. Or my mother. Even though I was almost four when it happened, which would have been more than old enough. Sometimes I manage to catch a sidelong glimpse of them, out of the corner of my mind's eye, but then their faces disappear behind a wall of fire or a curtain of blood. The psychiatrists say that it's post-traumatic amnesia. Well, maybe. But it's left me without any memory of the one time in my life when I might have been honestly, genuinely happy. Gods know that there's little enough love to be lost between me and my adoptive parents. They were going to leave Nanami behind, did you know that? They were going to separate us, only I didn't let them. I threw a tantrum and cried myself sick, and did that over and over again until they decided that having a baby girl in the house would be less trouble than putting up with my outrageous behaviour. I know . . . I know I promised to protect her, and that I haven't done a very good job of it. But then, you know all about little sisters, don't you? I worshipped you. You were the father that I'd lost, the older brother that I'd never had. I would have done anything for you. And you took advantage of that, didn't you? How *could* you?! I was *twelve years old*, Akio! Barely old enough to be able to do what you wanted. Not old enough to understand about sex and love and loving. And that was one set of lessons that I would have preferred to learn from anyone but you. No, we didn't bring that to bed last night. Do you want me to go get it out of the toy drawer, or should I improvise? How's that? Gods, the things you make me do . . . I enjoy hurting you, did you know that? I get off on it. That's what you've turned me into. The only person who disgusts me more than you is myself. You've ruined me, and I know it. When I first met you, I wanted . . . I don't clearly remember anymore what I wanted. Not to hurt anymore, I suppose. To put myself in a position where no one *could* hurt me anymore. You taught me that the name of what I wanted was *power*, and then showed me how I could go about getting it. You damned liar. You even pretend that I have power over *you*, at least here, in this place, but I know that that's a lie, too. The truth is that I am doing exactly what you want me to do, which is provide you with the illusion of being helpless, of being punished for your sins. All I'm allowed to choose is the method, and what does that matter, when I'd much rather not be doing it at all? But if I abandon you now, I lose my chance. I lose the power of miracles. And that would be too much to bear. I've lied and cheated and stolen, abased and corrupted myself and sold my soul to the Devil, all in order to get that power. You think that, when I get it, I'm going to use it for you. Well, you're sadly mistaken. If I get just one wish, it will have nothing to do with you. I'm going to use it to make myself worthy of *her*. Oh, Utena . . . She is everything to me. In the moment that I first saw her, I, who had thought myself such a self-sufficient cynic, became a pale satellite orbiting her sun. And the light she casts on me is harsh . . . I didn't understand at first, of course. I just thought the feelings I was having were about sex, albeit a little more intense than usual, and I set out to seduce her. After all, hadn't you taught me that there was really no such thing as love? I should have known that she was different. Everything I did to try to attract her ended in failure, because I didn't understand. But I was confused. I'd never felt quite that way about anyone before. I was obsessed with her, and yet . . . And then you made your mistake. You told me that she was the girl in the coffin. You shouldn't have done that. Because then I remembered that there had been a link, an attraction, between the two of us even as children. Before I'd known anything about sex. And so I decided that it had to be love. But she loved her prince. She loved you. Even though she didn't remember you very clearly. And because she didn't remember, I thought that I might have a chance of fooling her into thinking that I was you, and winning her for myself. I was surprised when you agreed to help. You were laughing at me the whole time, weren't you? Damn you! But I'm going to show you. I'm going to protect her from you, just see if I don't. Oh, the Duel Named Revolution is going to be the most enjoyable thing that I've ever participated in in my life. I want her so badly . . . but I've ruined my chances with her, haven't I? By trying to help her. I should have figured out by now that helping people never works. I'm poison. Everyone that I try to help, I hurt instead. And all because I want them out of your clutches, where at least *you* can't hurt them. Saionji . . . he's always been like a brother to me. I worked so hard on that setup to get him expelled, except that I never intended to throw myself between Utena and his katana, just grab his wrist and stop him. When I saw her in trouble, I just reacted. Like an idiot. But I'd hoped that, if he were gone from here, he'd forget about you and Anthy and begin to patch his life back together. I didn't expect him to stay around, hiding out in the middle-school girls' dorm, and I especially didn't expect him to do it because he wanted to save me. I'm not *worth* saving anymore. I'm nothing more than a hollow shell. You've long since scooped out my soul and shredded it. But he . . . I think that what he feels for me is even more than just brotherly love. Maybe I'll even call him on it one day. It would certainly be better than *this*. Hmmm. Do you want me to . . . ? Oh, yes. I can see that you do. How's that? I should be vomiting right now. Really I should. Think about something else . . . Nanami. My poor confused little sister. I am to her much the same sort of thing that you are to me, except that she turned out to be stronger, in the end. She was able to refuse me. I've probably destroyed that relationship beyond mending, now. At the time, that was what I wanted. She was only in the game because of me. I thought that, if I made her hate me, she'd have the brains to get out. And so I told her a half-truth that I now deeply regret. I didn't expect her to turn around and run straight to *you*, of all people! Gods, gods, I am such a fool . . . For someone who prides himself on his ability to read people, to control them, I'm pretty pathetic, don't you think? What a stupid question. Of course you think I'm pathetic. After all, I'm your slave. But at least my sister is out of the game now. You have no further use for her. She's safe. And I may be able to salvage some of what I once had with Saionji, now that you're done with him. But Utena . . . You aren't finished with her yet, are you? We are enemies now, you and I. From now on, I may agree to service you, but I won't serve you--although I don't intend to break with you openly, either. That would be too easy. I want you to wonder what's going on behind my eyes, just as I've always wondered what's going on behind yours. I should hate you, but that, too, would be too easy. Tell me, dear father, what would it take for me to be able to save *you*? More than I have the strength for, I'm sure. Anthy's been trying for a very long time, and she's tougher than I am. You want it? All right, then. Hand me that, and lie back. Hypocrite. If you really wanted to be punished, we wouldn't be bothering with this part. You can't be saved, because you don't want to be saved. I've figured that much out, at least. If Anthy ever does, you're going to hate the results. Do *I* want to be saved? What a bizarre notion. All right, assume for the moment that there's enough left of me to make saving me worthwhile, and that Utena would offer. Do I want her to do it? . . . No, I don't think I do. It's that damnable hunger for power that you've created inside me. I don't want to be saved, I want to be the one doing the saving, because that way, I'd be the one in control. And that's why I need a miracle so badly. I don't think that there's any other way that I can force myself to let go. Only a miracle can teach me how to surrender myself gracefully when it's needed. And it will be needed. She'll never settle for anything but an equal partner, and that means that there will be times that I will need to defer to her. If I can. I want to be her lover and her beloved, not some inept puppeteer who keeps on grabbing the wrong strings when I try to control her. That's the one area in which you never taught me well enough. You are the master puppeteer. You never make mistakes. My ability is only a pale reflection of yours. Whenever I try to handle someone who *matters* to me, I slip up. That's why I can never help anyone, isn't it? I care too much to be able to use my skills on them. All right, all *right* . . . What is it with you this morning? I don't think I've ever seen you so impatient. There, is that what you wanted? Good. Just let me close my eyes. I want to imagine that it's her underneath me, not you, although it's going to require quite a bit of suspension of disbelief. I don't normally take quite this position when I'm with a woman. I should hate you for making me do this. But it's myself that I hate. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- E. Liddell eliddell@puc.net http://ejlddll.virtualave.net --------------------------------------------------------- "One tacky fairytale artefact per expedition is about my limit." --------------------------------------------------------- UtenaCode(1.0) U:6- F:To+++Mk+:pOA D:CC X:*:a39++ M:f"Internal Clock, Municipal Orrery"