This is a really, really, REALLY bad parody fic I cooked up while
utena@duellists and I were joking around about what Utena would be like if
it was shown on US TV. Though it's intended as a big joke, some people may
find it slightly offensive. So if you bruise easily, don't read. Actually, I
think this echoes Ikuhara's statements about children having no hope
perfectly. It's like holding a mirror up to modern day society. Or perhaps
I'm just extremly bored and tired. Either way.

Oh, by the by, this parody is spoilerific. Pretty much everything is
revealed that happens in the series, although in a strange way. Anywho, for
the unspoiled, stay back.

Ursula's Kiss
written, dubbed, produced, chopped to bits, pasted back together, and
directed by Aaron Spelling Studios

Coming to the UPN this Fall: Ursula's Kiss, the story of a teenage tomboy
named Ursula Rosenthall and the people she befriends while at Okeydokie
Academy. Girl Power! It's a Chick Revolution this Fall on the UPN, Sundays
at 8 PM EST.

Cast: Ursula Rosenthall (Utena Tenjou), Ashitiqua Okeydokie (Anthy
Himemiya), Akimoba Okeydokie (Akio Ohtori), Karen Okeydokie (Kanae Ohtori),
Torrance Kingsman (Touga Kiryuu), Naomi Kingsman (Nanami Kiryuu), Keller
Saxton (Kyoichi Saionji), Mickey Kaplan (Miki Kaoru), Kimee Kaplan (Kozue
Kaoru), Julie Archambeau (Jury Arisugawa), Shannon Taylor (Shiori
Takatsuki), Winnie Simmons (Wakaba Shinohara), Miller Tibbets (Mitsuru
Tsuwabuki),  Roy Timms (Ruka Tsuchiya), Thomas Kempson (Tatsuya Kazami),
Maria Hoben (Mari Hozumi), Samuel Moore (Souji Mikage), Mackie Christensen
(Mamiya Chida), Talia Christensen (Tokiko Chida), The Blue Stooges Gang
(Suzuki, Yamada, Tanaka), The Yellow Bumblebees Gang (Keiko, Aiko, Yuuko),
The Drama Club (A-Ko, B-Ko, C-Ko), Cult God Dios

Episode One: Pilot/Ursula and Ashitiqua (Worlds collide as Ursula, a
Caucasian tomboy, and Ashitiqua, an African-American goth, get assigned the
same dorm in Okeydokie Academy.)

Episode Two: Winnie's Love Letter (Ursula's best friend, Winnie, gets the lo
ve smackdown from Keller, the Vice-President of Okeydokie Academy's Student
Council.)

Episode Three: The Homecoming Dance (Naomi Kingsman, the younger sister of
Student Council President Torrance Kingsman, cheats in order to become
Homecoming Queen.)

Episode Four: Twin Trouble, Make It Double , Part One (Mickey, one of the
Student Council members, gets a crush on Ashitiqua and helps her cheat on
her math test.)

Episode Five: Twin Trouble, Make It Double,  Part Two (Mickey's twin sister,
Kimee, gets jealous of Mickey and Ashitiqua spending time together. Mickey
has to face the consequences of cheating when he is kicked off the band.)

Episode Six: Oh No, Naomi is a Racist (The Student Council and Ursula learn
that Naomi hates Ashitiqua because of the color of her skin. Will Naomi
learn that true beauty lies inside?)

Episode Seven: Julie's First Love (Julie remembers her first love, the
nameless brown-haired boy who isn't Roy, never was, and never shall be, and
the bitch that destroyed it all.)

Episode Eight: High Tripping (Ashitiqua spikes the brownies she made in Home
Economics class with LSD. It's up to Naomi to save the day.)

Episode Nine: Abuse of the Heart (Despite Ursula's objections, Ashitiqua is
still seeing Keller. Ursula soon discovers that Ashitiqua is a victim of
Keller's abuse.)

Episode Ten: Pet Cemetary (Naomi's bad karma bites her in the rumpus after
her shocking treatment of animals is revealed.)

Episode Eleven: Bitchslapped! Torrance Stole My Thunder (Ursula is the most
popular girl in school. But after she refuses to go out with Torrance, he
spreads rumors about her.)

Episode Twelve: How Ursula Got Her Groove Thang Back (Ursula's friends help
her bounce back after the rumors Torrance spread become worse.)

Episode Thirteen: The Mysterious Dean of Okeydokie Academy (He's so
mysterious, there's no plot summary.)

Episode Fourteen: Ashitiqua's Dysfunctional Family (Ashitiqua, her brother,
Akimoba, and his wife, Karen, attend group therapy at the crisis counselor's
office.)

Episode Fifteen: Kimee the Underachiever (Mickey learns that his sister
Kimee's horrible piano playing is a mask to cover up her intense stage
fright. She goes to the crisis counselor.)

Episode Sixteen: Material Girlfriends (Naomi and Julie learn that material
wealth isn't all that matters, after a horrible mishap with Karen's wedding
ring threatens to destroy their reputations.)

Episode Seventeen: Shannon's Secret (The reason that Shannon keeps stealing
Julie's boyfriends is brought to light when she attends the crisis
counselor.)

Episode Eighteen: Miller, Grow Up Already (Miller keeps acting like a child,
and Naomi cruelly tells him will never be accepted into the adult world.
This nearly drives him to commit homocide. They take him to the crisis
counselor.)

Episode Nineteen: The Onion Lovers (Winnie's old boyfriend Thomas returns to
Okeydokie Academy. They eat baskets of onions like old times, but Thomas
goes to the crisis counselor when she spurns his sexual advances.)

Episode Twenty: Winnie is Special Too (Winnie revealed to Thomas that she is
deeply in love with Vice-President Keller. Keller is torn between beating up
Winnie or staying with Ashitiqua. Winnie visists the counselor.)

Episode Twenty-One: Three's a Crowd, Four's a Gang (Feeling left out from
her brother Torrance's special Student Council life, Naomi joins a gang.
After a drive-by, they all go to the crisis counselor.)

Episode Twenty-Two: The Crisis Counselor's Office (It's decorated very
nicely, and everybody goes there.)

Episode Twenty-Three: Samuel the Counselor (Samuel's shocking past as a
child molester is revealed. Nobody goes to the crisis counselor anymore.)
Episode Twenty-Four: Naomi's Diary Confessions (Miller, Naomi's lackey,
reads her secret diary and learns the true depths of her dark dank dangerous
deliberately devious doings.)

Episode Twenty-Five: Keller Won't Give Up (Keller tries to hook up with
Ashitiqua again after she decided to break it off with him.)

Episode Twenty-Six: Twin Trouble, Make it Therapy (aka Twin Trouble, Make it
Double, Part Three) (Mickey and Kimee try to develop a closer bond, but they
decide therapy is needed. They attempt suicide once they learn the crisis
counselor is no longer there.)

Episode Twenty-Seven: A Bun in the Oven (After a night of bingeing, Naomi
forgets to purge and wakes up with a gigantic stomach! Is she pregnant? Or
did she just eat too much? The final secret revelation, the one we
absolutely cannot reveal, the revelation that she JUST ATE TOO MUCH---will
leave you breathless.)

Episode Twenty-Eight: Two-Sided Triangle (Without the molesting crisis
counselor, Shannon goes back to her old ways and tries to steal Julie's new
boyfriend, Roy, who has returned from the past. Unfortunately, Roy could
care less for her. She gets suicide tips from Mickey and Kimee.)

Episode Twenty-Nine: Roy Goes Away for Good (During Shannon's funeral, Roy
reveals to Julie that he is dying. Julie is upset after this episode's final
secret revelation that HE DIES TOO. The surprise ending that HE DIES TOO
will leave you breathless.)

Episode Thirty: Oh Brother Naomi still feels left out from Torrance's life.
This is a mediocre episode and no part of it will leave you breathless. WE
GUARANTEE IT.)

Episode Thirty-One: Her Tragic Adoption Naomi learns she is adopted. The
heartwearming ending will leave you slightly cold, actually.)

Episode Thirty-Two: The School Play (Ursula nearly joins the Drama Club. The
Student Council helps her escape after they discover the Drama Club is
actually a cover for the Cult of Dios.)

Episode Thirty-Three: Tall, Dark, and Dangerous (A VERY SPECIAL URSULA'S
KISS. Ursula, in an ending that will leave you breathless once again, has
sex with Akimoba, Ashitiqua's older brother.)

Episode Thirty-Four: Cradle and All (ANOTHER VERY SPECIAL URSULA'S KISS.
Ursula must decide whether or not to have an abortion after she learns she
is carrying her and Akimoba's love child.)

Episode Thirty-Five: And I, I, I, Will Always Love You in Wintertime
(Torrance tries to woo Ursula, but after losing her innocence to Akimoba,
she proves unwooable. Ashitiqua and Ursula play truth or dare and the
shocking secrets flow like the tears they will shed.)

Episode Thirty-Six: And the Bedroom Doors Are Wide Open (When Akimoba tries
to woo Ursula into his clutches again, she slaps him with the threat of a
lawsuit after sleeping with him again.)

Episode Thirty-Seven: Girl Power Will Revolutionize the World (Ursula
watches Erin Brockovitch and gets an idea. She speaks with all the girls in
Okeydokie Academy and learns Akimoba has doggie-styled them all. They decide
to join in a class-action lawsuit agains Okeydokie Academy and Akimoba.)

Episode Thirty-Eight: Oops, I Revolutionized Your World Again (The students
of Okeydokie Academy win a lawsuit against Akimoba and the school. The
school is torn down and paved over to make way for a mini-mall.)

Episode Thirty-Nine: My Yearbook Says "Friends Forever" (Ursula learns that
she has to go back home to Amsterdam for the summer. In this touching season
finale, Ursula and Ashitiqua vow to stay friends forever, even if it means
poisoning each other's food. They, and everyone else that went to Okeydokie
Academy, realize the only way to purge themselves of their trauma is to
commit suicide. They all drink poisoned Kool-Aid because they can't go to
the crisis counselor. Ursula's Kiss is never renewed, and goes down in the
annals of history as the worst teen show ever.)