REVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 Episode 109: "High Altitudes, Chapter 2: Grizzly Bears and BMWs" Written by: Callie Summers MSTed by: Chris Rain (rainclash@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a story written by Callie Summers. No insult, injury, infringement, or painful debilitating illness is intended by this MSTing. I do this because (a) it's fun and (b) I have lots of time and imagination on my hands. MST3K is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and possibly a partridge in a pear tree, though the latter is dicey to prove under law. ^_^ Reading this MST can be greatly helped by having at least a passing familiarity with the series; if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. (Shameless plug requirements met. Onward!) [Satellite of Revolution bridge. All is quiet and dim for a moment, and then the message light begins flashing; it blinks for several minutes, then stops. There is a long pause] [Exterior view, SoR. Every single visible light begins flashing at a strobe-light pace. When the view cuts back to the bridge, there is an air-raid siren screaming at a horrific decibel level in addition to the epilepsy-inducing flash of the lights. The door of the bridge is almost ripped from its frame before it can slide out of the way, admitting the duelists in a stampeding rush. The button is struck mostly by the impact of AKIO's cheek as he's body-checked by UTENA] UTENA : "We can ignore it", you said! "It's nonviolent protest," you said! "It's not like they're going to do anything if we don't answer," you said! AKIO: Ouch! You're the one who jumped at the chance to play Mechwarrior in the holocabana! TOUGA: I was just about to score another hit on Miki, too! MIKI: Actually, Seitokaichou, you weren't. You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn, the way you were shooting. TOUGA: That's not my shooting! It's the fact that you're piloting a fast little bugger of a mech! [the Viewscreen blinks on] [Observatory. MIKAGE leers into the camera] MIKAGE: So kind of you all to join us. I take it my wake-up call was sufficient? [SoR. The duelists all have their hands over their ears now] UTENA: WHAT? CAN'T HEAR YOU! [Observatory] MIKAGE: Oh, very well. Mamiya! You can stop now! [MAMIYA, dressed in little spandex shorts and a T-shirt, is perched on a stationary bicycle that's hooked up to a spaghetti mess of dangerously sparking cables; he's wheezing a bit] MAMIYA: Really? Thanks, Mikage-sama sir! [he stops pedaling and hops off the bike. There's a loud ZAP and a bright flash] MIKAGE: Oh, bother. [turning back to the Viewscreen] Well, not much time for preludes today, my little captive audience. [SoR. The air raid siren is no longer blaring, and the lights are back to normal steady levels] UTENA: Shouldn't you go see if Mamiya's okay? [Observatory] MIKAGE: I'm getting to that. Today's fic, dear friends, ought to be quite the trip down memory lane. Do you recall what began this little space adventure of yours? Do you? [SoR] TOUGA: Of course. That bloody awful "High Altitudes" thing. [Observatory. MIKAGE is grinning in a disturbingly Joker-esque fashion] MIKAGE: Precisely. [holding up a stack of paper] Can you guess what this is? [SoR. The duelists all look at each other in dawning horror] UTENA: It's not . . . AKIO: It can't be . . . TOUGA: It's been so long . . . MIKI: Not again! ALL: NOT "HIGH ALTITUDES CHAPTER TWO"!! [Observatory. MIKAGE is cackling with sadistic laughter] MIKAGE: Oh yes, *yes* it is! Mamiya, send the--oh, right. Hang on, I'll do it myself and then get you the Bactine . . . [SoR. The klaxons and lights are going off madly] UTENA: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIGN! [Duelist's door sequence!] [6. It's the gate to the Arena. You try to open it, but you haven't got a Rose Seal ring. Finally, you pick the lock with a credit card and walk through.] [5. It's the spiral staircase from hell. You make it about halfway up before realizing there's an elevator and climbing in.] [4. The elevator stops about ten feet from the top. You walk halfway up the rest of the stairs, realize that you aren't getting a fancier outfit, and pause at the convenient basket placed on the stairs to sew on the decorations yourself.] [3. The archway at the top of the staircase. You accidentally glance over the side, suffer a violent attack of acrophobia, and cling to the side of the archway, whimpering for your mommy.] [2. You wait for the Rose Bride to place the rose on your chest, but first you have to help her pull the thorns off. Ow! Ow! Ow! [1. The Rose Bride does her spiel and falls back over your arm; you draw the Sword of Dios from her chest and use it to hack down the final door into the theatre.] [the duelists take their seats--from left to right: TOUGA, UTENA, AKIO, and MIKI] > "Ouch!" Saionji grimaced as he got hit with a ski pole. UTENA: I almost feel sorry for Saionji. He seems to be the most brutalized person in this fic--not only physically, but in characterization . . . TOUGA: I can see that Saionji's sharp reflexes have deserted him again. > "Oh, I'm sorry Saionji, I didn't see you there," MIKI: You think that a tall man with long wavy dark-green hair would be quite noticeable . . . AKIO: Since when did logic apply to bad fics? MIKI: You have a point, Rijichou. >Anthy apologized, sounding cheerful but not very sincere. TOUGA : Oh my, did I do that? Sorry about the concussion, Saionji. AKIO : Thank you, Dark Mistress. May I have another? >She continued innocently tossing equipment behind her, Saionji >constantly being clobbered by the makeshift shrapnel. MIKI: I would think that Saionji would be smart enough to at least move . . . AKIO: What did I say about thinking? MIKI: Don't? AKIO: Right. >"Hmm, now where did I put that Ricola? UTENA : Riiiii . . . coooo . . . laaa! [TOUGA mimics the sound of an alpine horn] >Oh, in my pocket!" TOUGA: What has it got in its pocketsss, my preciousss? [AKIO smirks] UTENA: *No*. Don't even think about it. AKIO: Too late! > "Holy . . ." Saionji continued strapping on his skis. TOUGA: "Holey" is right. After that many hits, he ought to be bleeding all over the snow. AKIO: I want some of whatever it is that Saionji's taking for stamina. >All he could think about was Sienna. UTENA [nodding]: Uh-huh. Sure. MIKI : Duh-uh . . . girl . . . >He liked her a lot. He even thought he loved her. UTENA [still nodding]: Uh-huh. Sure. TOUGA: So much for his obsession with Anthy and finding something eternal. MIKI: I suppose characterization isn't important. TOUGA: Not when there's ego involved. UTENA: You're one to talk. >But he had ruined it with his own two hands. AKIO [holds out his hands cupped together, palms up, voice serious]: You're in good hands with Saionji . . . UTENA: Unless you're a non-subservient female, that is. >Well, okay, with his over-inflated ego, but you get the picture. TOUGA: Thanks for the editorial side note, story. What would we do without you? UTENA : Even if it *is* accurate. > Sienna was walking down to her snowboard with Utena. MIKI: Huh? But wouldn't she be *carrying* it to the slopes? TOUGA: Must be one of those new-fangled ones that freeze to the ground until you come back to reclaim it. AKIO: Either that, or it's actually a snowmobile . . . >She couldn't help but notice the overwhelming amount of teenagers >speaking Japanese. UTENA: Of course, the rainbow of hair colors, incredibly huge eyes, tiny noses, and cameras were a dead giveaway for the foreigners too. AKIO: Have you ever noticed that the main characters are virtually the only ones with unusual hair colors in this series? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Mind the Fourth Wall, please. MIKI: But it's true! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Thank you, Kaoru. Shut up. >"I take it the entire school came with you?" AKIO: That's got to be one *hell* of an orgy. UTENA: *Akio*!! >She asked. MIKI: Improper capitalization. TOUGA: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Sienna did turn out to be a deity. UTENA: Who couldn't *help* but notice an entire academy of Japanese- speaking students running around a resort town in Colorado? > "Yup. It's a school trip. TOUGA: That's a *lot* of LSD. AKIO: I still want to know where the *money* for this came from. MIKAGE'S VOICE: I'm not involved. AKIO: Like I'm going to believe *you*? >But since I'm with the student council we get our own place to stay. MIKI: Missing comma . . . TOUGA: Missing *entertainment*. UTENA: Wait a minute. How does my being with the Seitokai suddenly give us all the right to have our own separate hotel? That's what that sentence seems to indicate. AKIO: You're just that cool, Utena. [trying to take her hand; she yanks it out of reach] >Not to mention the Marriott was out of rooms." Hey, it was sort of >the truth. AKIO: And if you believe *that*, I have some swamp land to sell. >The Marriott WAS out of rooms. And she definitely had dealings with >the Student Council. She had said with, not on. AKIO: I know of *one* Student Council "member" that would love Utena to have dealings "on", if you know what I mean . . . TOUGA: Er . . . UTENA: What? *Touga*! TOUGA: I didn't do anything! > "So will I get to meet more of your buddies?" AKIO : I need more worshippers! More power! Bow down before me! Grovel at my feet! MIKI: Rijichou, you do that far too well . . . > "Probably. Just don't scare them with your UTENA: --face-- TOUGA: --breath-- AKIO: --BO-- MIKI: --perfect fashion sense-- [the others all stare at MIKI] MIKI: What? >skier horror stories." Utena winked, then saw Wakaba waving her down. >"I gotta get going! TOUGA : Before she tackles me and causes an avalanche. AKIO [glomping UTENA and squealing in a falsetto]: Utena! Utena! UTENA [smacking him]: I'll put up with that from Wakaba--but *you* better keep your hands to yourself! >I'll talk to ya later, Sienna!" > "Bye!" Sienna waved, then turned down the aisle to get her >snowboard. MIKI: Aisle? They're in a store? TOUGA: Actually, I think they're outside. MIKI: But . . . aisles? In the snow? AKIO: Maybe the snowblower gouged a path. How should I know? Just smile and nod, Kaoru-kun. > There was Saionji, strapping on his skis. Their eyes locked, AKIO: The rescue team was forced to use chainsaws to separate them. UTENA: *Ow*. TOUGA: Actually, the "Jaws of Life" might be more appropriate, especially if they wind up in another of those nauseating "flaming passionate liplocks." >only breaking once TOUGA: *Crack*! >when Anthy hit Saionji in the head with a ski AKIO: Might as well just repeat that noise, Kiryuu. TOUGA: He's been smacked on the noggin enough times in kendo practice as it is. It's not as if head trauma's going to give Saionji any trouble. UTENA: That's an awful way to talk about your friend. TOUGA: Only a fool believes he has friends. UTENA: Including *girl*friends? TOUGA: Um . . . er . . . AKIO: Walked right into that one all by yourself, didn't you? >to catch up with Utena. MIKI: I just don't get it. How could hitting Saionji with a ski let Anthy catch up to Utena? Or is it supposed to help Saionji catch up to Utena? AKIO: You're thinking again, Kaoru-kun. MIKI: Sorry, sir. > "Um . . . hi, Sienna," Saionji mumbled. He immediately finished >clicking into his bindings, then UTENA: . . . tripped and fell flat on his face. TOUGA: That wouldn't surprise me in this fic. >skied past her, not wanting to look her in the eye. TOUGA : Hey! Look me in the eye! How dare you ignore wonderful, perfect, incredible *me*? What are you, a man or a mouse? AKIO [miming kendo exercises]: A mouse. Chu! UTENA: Chu Chu is actually a monkey, you know. AKIO: This fic alone's making a monkey out of Saionji anyway. MIKI: The best-laid plans of mice and men . . . TOUGA: I have the feeling Sienna might change her name to "Plans" at this rate. UTENA: Stop that. > "Good morning, Saionji." ALL: Good morning, Miss Sienna! UTENA: That sounds almost familiar for some reason. >Sienna watched him shakily glide by, waited for a few moments, then >ran and AKIO: . . . sank the knife between the third and fourth ribs . . . TOUGA: All part of the "Bloody Christmas on Ice" show, hmm? >pounced on his back. "HIIIIIIIIII!!!!!" [silence] MIKI: Wakaba might be suing after this. > It took all of Saionji's strength to keep from falling face >first into the snow. "What the- Sienna, what are you doing??" UTENA : Don't mind me! I'm just doing a rip-off of Wakaba's schtick. MIKI : Giving you a free chiropractic adjustment! Just hold still and I'll have this subluxation corrected in a couple minutes . . . TOUGA : Me Sienna, you Saionji. Ungh. >He looked back at the girl who was now clinging to his backside, MIKI: I think I now understand the meaning of the phrase, "Shove that off your . . . bottom." AKIO: "Ass," Kaoru. The word is "ass." [MIKI blushes] AKIO: You're so adorably innocent sometimes. UTENA: Leave him alone already. >smiling like an idiot. AKIO: Now that makes sense. She's smiling perfectly in character . . . > "Saying hello, of course." TOUGA : Do I have to explain *everything* to you, foolish peon? > "You already did, Miss Cody." He squirmed out of Sienna's grasp ?and continued on. AKIO : Saionji is out of the submission hold! He's going to the ropes! He's up on the turnbuckle . . . UTENA: *What* are you talking about? AKIO: I figured out how to work the communication channels. There are some gentlemen up here on something called the "Satellite of Nitro." Interesting people, really. >Sienna gasped. TOUGA : I don't believe it! Someone not dazzled by my charms? But--but I'm the SI! I have a contract! MIKI: Why is she making an effort to be nice to him? Didn't he slap her last chapter? TOUGA: Did that ever make Anthy avoid Saionji? Or Aiko, Keiko, and Yuuko for that matter? > "Saionji, wait! What's wrong with you?" UTENA : I just realized what a crappy fic I'm in and I'm trying to make my escape. >She ran after him and finally in front of him AKIO: He promptly trampled right over her, leaving her broken and bleeding in the snow . . . UTENA: If you keep that up, we're going to need flashlights. >to look him in the face. "Saionji-chan, are you crying?" TOUGA: As if *that's* a likely scenario. MIKI: Well, this author seems to think he needs to cuddle with a stuffed animal too. TOUGA: I know. Sad, isn't it? > "Go away, Sienna." [ALL cheer] UTENA: That's telling her! Do it some more! >He used a ski pole to gently push the young girl out from in front of >him. "I'm not interested, okay?" AKIO: Then he realized that he was being too nice and gave her another--harder--shove that punctured her right lung and sent her flying down the slope, over the nearest cliff, where she plummeted to her death. The end. TOUGA: That was quite dark. I like it. UTENA: Good for you. > "You were certainly interested last night." AKIO: Women say that to me all the time . . . UTENA: What was that? AKIO: Nothing! [TOUGA snickers] >Sienna reached for his left hand and, without warning, pulled off his >glove. "You have one of these rings too, ne?" Saionji pulled his hand >away from Sienna. [ALL groan] UTENA: *Of course* she'd be a Duelist! MIKI [pulling out a small notebook]: Start a new paragraph if you switch focus on a character. > "What do you mean, too?" Sienna reached into her jacket and >pulled out a silver chain. On it was a rose seal. MIKI [making more notes]: Another new paragraph, please. Can't really tell who's talking . . . AKIO: All right, she's gone from mildly obnoxious to very obnoxious. *I* don't recall giving her one of those. TOUGA: Well, how *else* can she upstage the true woman-prince if she can't join the duels? UTENA: Sad, but true. Wait, what am I saying?! I'm not going to be upstaged by any damned self-insertion uber-kid! [she jumps up and stomps to the doors, but they won't open] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Oh, just sit down. [UTENA rattles the doors for a moment, then stalks back to her seat, muttering] > "I got this from my father. AKIO: A likely story. I don't recall giving her father one of those either. *I'm* the one in charge of these things, after all. UTENA: The author's probably ignorant of the finer details of the back-story. TOUGA [opening one side of his jacket]: Psst! Hey! You wanna buy a Rose Seal ring? They're goin' fast! MIKI: Well, Rijichou, it gives you a chance to do cheesy rip-off line. AKIO : Sienna . . . I am your father . . . [cracks up laughing] As if I'd ever admit paternity in *this* case. >He told me I should wait to find someone with a ring like it and then >go wherever they did." MIKI: Now *there's* someone with great parenting skills. TOUGA: Wonder if another favorite instruction around the Cody household was "Go outside and play in traffic." AKIO : Hey there, big fella . . . Why not come up and see me sometime? Or at least give me a ring . . . >She clapped her hands once, eyes lighting up. UTENA: Clap on . . .! [claps hands twice] Clap off . . .! [twice more] Clap on, clap off, the Clapper! MIKI: Looks like Sienna's plugged into one too! TOUGA: A shame we can't turn her *and* the fic off like that . . . >"So I have direct orders to follow you AAAAAAAAAAALLLLL day, >Saionji-chan!" MIKI: "Saionji-chan"?? That's a *lot* of familiarity with someone you've just met the day before. Very improper. AKIO: Well, she was in a couple of "passionate flaming liplocks" and was making out with him by the end of the first chapter . . . UTENA: You had to remind us. AKIO: *I* think she's a brazen hussy. TOUGA : You like that sort, I thought. AKIO : Well, so do you! TOUGA : Shhh! UTENA: What are you two mumbling about? TOUGA and AKIO: Nothing! >Sienna ran to get her snowboard, AKIO: You'd think she'd have gotten it by now. She's been trying for a while to get that thing. >and was back before Saionji could ski away. MIKI: She must have slipped through a hole in the space-time continuum. AKIO : Let's do the Time Warp again! MIKAGE'S VOICE: You're bordering on a shameless plug, Ohtori. AKIO: So? >Snapping into the bindings quickly, she grabbed his hand and started >tugging him to the nearest AKIO: --stand of nice, private trees . . . UTENA: Akio . . . >chair lift. "Let's go! I'll show you all the cool runs and help you >with your skiing technique and we'll have a total blast!" MIKI: Sounds . . . dangerous. AKIO : Your mission, should you accept it, is to entertain the SI. This tape will self destruct in five seconds . . . > "I, but- okay." Saionji smiled sweetly at Sienna. "Let's go." UTENA : Now, all I have to do is get her lost, then I can go back and try to impress Anthy . . . > They went boarded MIKI: No, no. Either "they boarded" or "they went aboard." "They went boarded" is a completely incoherent sentence fragment. >the chair hand in hand. Neither ever wanted to let go. TOUGA : And don't ever let go of that promise . . . UTENA : I won't let go, Jack . . . I'll never let go . . . AKIO: Which is ironic, in view of the fact that she had to pry Jack's rigor-mortised fingers off her hand in order to get to the rescue ship, thus releasing his frozen corpse to sink into the icy waters . . . UTENA: *Thank you*. >****************** MIKI : To reach the unreachable star . . . > Akio Ohtori was bored. [silence] AKIO: *I'm* in this thing too?! TOUGA: Welcome to hell, Ohtori. >Even after one day of skiing he hadn't met any girls. UTENA: Somehow I doubt that. >He had apparently shipped his car out here for the week for nothing. AKIO: I'm going to check my bank books when I get back to campus. Do you have any idea how much overseas shipping for an auto must be? Not to mention the fact that I'd need temporary plates, insurance, everything else--it's not worth it. >He only had 6 days left, dammit! > So of course he noticed the perfectly proportioned, absolutely >gorgeous TOUGA: --utterly insufferable-- AKIO: --painfully smug-- UTENA: --unrealistically flawless-- MIKI: --thoroughly obnoxious-- >Sienna Cody, immediately labeling her as AKIO: --yet another damn self-insertion who must be destroyed at all costs. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Feeling bitter, are we? AKIO: Shut up, you. >a victim- er, someone he would like to get to know. UTENA: Well, no, it was more accurate the first time. AKIO: I'm wounded! [he clasps UTENA's hand imploringly] TOUGA: Then why don't you crawl off into a corner and bleed to death quietly? AKIO : Watch it, Kiryuu. >^.~ MIKI: *What* is *that*?? MAMIYA'S VOICE: It's a kawaii little graphical smiley! Isn't it kawaii? MIKI: It has absolutely no place in this story . . . MIKAGE'S VOICE: I've told you not to touch that button, Mamiya. Don't make me get the hose. MAMIYA'S VOICE : Hai, Mikage-sama sir. MIKAGE'S VOICE: And lay off the fanboy Japanese, too. Hold still, I need to tape that gauze layer down. >She was giving someone ski lessons on a snowboard. Weird. UTENA: Also pretty difficult, I'd guess. >Either way, Akio decided to impress her with his skiing techniques, MIKI: Here's hoping he's more like Touga than Saionji, because nobody s going to be impressed by him reeling and falling all over the slopes. AKIO: I'd prefer to stay in the lodge and offer to help the ladies warm up . . . >and then maybe take her for a spin in his car. TOUGA: IfyaknowwhatImean, wink wink nudge nudge! UTENA: You sound jealous. TOUGA: That car is almost a bigger sex symbol than I am. UTENA: One word. "Overcompensation." [TOUGA grins suddenly; AKIO grumbles and sulks] >He checked his hair in a mirror, then glided up to Sienna, UTENA: Crashing into her and sending them both sprawling. AKIO: No, it seems to be Saionji's job to do the Three Stooges routines in this fic. I hope. >who was helping Saionji put his gloves on the right way. MIKI: "The right way"? They're gloves! You put your hands in them! You can usually tell which one is for which hand . . . UTENA: Relax, Miki-kun. It's just a fic. >He waited for her to turn around and notice him. And waited for her >to turn around and notice him. And waited for her to turn around and >notice him. [TOUGA stands up and taps on the screen] UTENA: What are you doing? TOUGA: I think the fic's stuck again. >He stood there frozen in place for 15 minutes straight, TOUGA: Oh. It was another sad attempt at humor. My mistake. AKIO: I *don't* just stand there like a doorstop and wait for people to notice me . . . MIKI: And Saionji-senpai doesn't cuddle stuffed animals, suck his thumb, cry at the drop of a hat, or completely lose all coordination. I think he has more to complain about, Rijichou. Oh--and it's "f-i-f-t-e-e-n." I know that seems overwhelming, but come on, *spell it out*! >until he was knocked over when Saionji crossed his tips and fell onto >Sienna who fell onto Akio. ALL : Wa-wa-waaaa . . . UTENA: The humor in this fic is so amazingly subtle. > It was about friggin' time she fell on him! AKIO: Are you kidding? She still has all her clothes on. It doesn't count if they still have all their clothes on. UTENA: Be quiet. > "It's nice to meet you too," Akio laughed, putting as much charm >into his voice as possible as he helped Sienna up. TOUGA : Ha ha ha . . . I think I'll kill this one first. > "Well you could've introduced yourself 15 minutes ago, you know," >Sienna replied with a sly grin. "Are you shy or what?" MIKI: Once again, she proves how snotty she is. Why didn't she turn around and say hello herself? AKIO: Because the mighty SI does not lower herself to speak to regular characters unless it amuses her. > "Oowww... Sienna, help me up!" Saionji whined, still on his bum >in the snow. AKIO: Saionji's standards have definitely dropped if he's doing that with vagrants . . . and outside in the cold, no less. UTENA: That's enough of *that*, thank you. > "You're so cute, Saionji!" Sienna giggled, reaching down and >helping the V.P. to his feet. "You sound just like a 5 year old!" TOUGA: Kill her, Saionji. AKIO: Or at least beat her senseless. MIKI: F-I-V-E!! > "Excuse me!" Ohtori cleared his throat and tapped Sienna on the >shoulder. UTENA: --getting a grip on the nerve cluster that would render her unconscious in seconds . . . AKIO: Welcome to the dark side, my dear. UTENA: She's *really* annoying me. >"I was wondering if you could help me learn how to ski. I noticed >that you're very good on that snowboard." MIKI: Being good on a snowboard doesn't necessarily mean that one would also be good at skiing. Surfing and waterskiing, for example, have similar core concepts, yet are quite different in the execution . . . AKIO: The only word that got my attention was "execution," Kaoru-kun. > "So you're watching me, ne?" MAMIYA'S VOICE: But . . . but the self-insertion is using fanboy Japanese, Mikage-sama sir! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Yes. Did you want to act just like the obnoxious self-insertion, Mamiya? Hmm? MAMIYA'S VOICE: . . . no, Mikage-sama sir. >Sienna replied simply. "Maybe later, but I already have a client. I >can book you for tomorrow afternoon, though." > Well, it was good enough. AKIO: I'm just looking to score with her, not actually *learn* anything, right? Even assuming I'd bother with someone as snotty as this SI, why wouldn't I be hanging around her anyway? TOUGA: Because you're wildly out of character, why else? > "All right. I'll see you then!" Akio glided away, glancing back >with a movie star smile on his face. UTENA: She got *one* thing right. AKIO: Why thank you. UTENA: Quiet. > Smack. MIKI: Knick-knack paddy-whack, give a dog a bone, this old man comes rolling home! TOUGA: I think we're losing him. UTENA: Miki-kun, you okay? MIKI: *No*. > "WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Mommy, that bad man made me >FAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!" [ALL are blasted back in their seats] UTENA [hands over her ears]: Did Sailor Moon sneak in here?! > All he could do was scurry out of sight as fast as possible. AKIO: I do not . . . *scurry*. UTENA: Then what would you call it? AKIO: Retiring gracefully from the field. UTENA: Ah. Right. > "Poor kid," Sienna sympathized. TOUGA : Of course, I won't go see if the child's all right, since my amazing self has better things to do . . . >She then turned back to Saionji, who was digging snow out of his gloves. >"Poor kid!" she repeated, TOUGA : . . . such as mock one of the *real* characters. >hugging him. "We haven't even done one run yet and you ALREADY have snow >in your gloves." > "Be quiet, Sienna." AKIO: You tell her, man. > "Don't order me around, Saionji." UTENA: Oh, but he does it so well. He's had plenty of practice with Anthy. >Before he could react, their lesson began. Sienna reached up, >grabbed his shoulders, and forced his knees to bend. [AKIO begins to snicker] TOUGA: Let's *not* go there. >"First of all, your knees should stay bent, even when you're turning." >She then shoved him forward a bit. "Second of all, make sure you're >always leaning forward. If you hesitate, you lean back. If you lean >back, you fall." She slapped him on the back. "DON'T HESITATE. You >have to just go for it." UTENA: Just do it. MIKI: (TM) UTENA: How did you do that? MIKI: It's a secret. >She then dropped to her knees. AKIO: Oh, that's much better! UTENA: Akio . . . >"look down here, Saionji." MIKI : I forgot to put a capital letter at the beginning of my sentence, see? >She pointed at the tips of his skis. "These aren't curled up like >this to make you pretty, TOUGA <"Deliverance"-type accent>: Yew look real purty, city boy. AKIO: Why, thank you. [the others sweatdrop] >and there's a reason your skis look like hour glasses. UTENA: You might as well explain the reason, since this is turning into a boring lecture anyway. AKIO: Maybe I'll invite her to speak at Nemuro Memorial Hall! MIKAGE'S VOICE: I suppose you think that was funny, Ohtori. >Don't force yourself to turn. Just keep your skis parallel, and when >you want to turn lean into your edges. They'll do the work for you." TOUGA : If they're supposed to do the work for me, why am I still stuck in this fic? >She then stood up and grinned at Saionji. "And have fun with it. If >you fall it's no big deal. Skiing isn't supposed to be frustrating." MIKI: However, when you're taking lessons from the SI, it's bound to at least be annoying. > "Then how come it is?" Saionji questioned, making a face. > "Because you're you, Saionji. ANYTHING can be frustrating for >you." She rolled her eyes with a kind smile, UTENA: Her sincerity is just blinding. >then lined him up with the hill and gave him a push. "Down you go!" AKIO: Strange, that's usually what *I* . . . [UTENA gives him a long stare] AKIO: . . . uh, never mind. > Saionji panicked. His knees straightened, he leaned back, and he >didn't even try to turn. He was doomed, he knew it. Screaming bloody >murder, he held onto his poles for dear life. MIKI [head in his hands]: Saionji-senpai . . . I weep for your slaughtered dignity. TOUGA: *I* don't. He's so painfully arrogant . . . UTENA: And you're *not*? TOUGA: At least I have charm and elegance on my side. UTENA: You do? Where? > "Bend your knees!" Sienna ordered, snowboarding gracefully up >beside him. AKIO: Is it possible to do that? I mean, wouldn't she just sort of rocket past him headed downslope? UTENA: Nah. Her amazing powers include the ability to alter the laws of physics to suit herself. >"Let your skis do the work! And lean forward, dammit!" > "I'm trying, I'm trying!" TOUGA: But he's not trying *enough*, obviously. >Saionji screeched. He leaned into his edges. Unfortunately, it was >in the wrong direction. He veered off into the woods, stopping two >inches from a tree. AKIO: The Olympic judges came out to measure the distance, then stepped aside to have a brief conference as to what the final score should be . . . > Sienna followed, but couldn't slow down in time. Smack. ALL: Wa-wa-waaa . . . MIKI: The slapstick acts just get more and more amusing . . . > "Oww," Saionji moaned, peeling Sienna from his backside. [AKIO somehow imitates the sound of duct tape being pulled off the roll] > "Heh... sorry, Saionji-chan!" she giggled. UTENA : Tee-hee! I slammed you face-first into a tree! How cute of me! > "You little brat! I can't believe you can be so disrespectful >towards me!" MIKI: You would think that he'd be used to it by now . . . >He brought his hand up to slap Sienna. TOUGA: If I appear out of nowhere to grab his wrist, I'm going to crawl under the seat and stay there for the rest of the fic. >But before he could follow through Sienna blocked the move and >counter attacked with a punch of her own. AKIO <"Mortal Kombat" voice>: Sienna . . . WINS. UTENA: At least you don't have to sit down there on that disgusting floor, Touga. >Pinning him to the tree, she stood as tall as possible, her face >right in his. MIKI: His what? His solar plexus? Saionji-sempai's *tall* . . . >"You need a lesson in manners, Saionji." She glared at Saionji. >Saionji glared back. AKIO: All they need is a "zappy eyeball war" and we'll have a true entertainment factor here . . . > Two seconds later they were engaged in a passionate, flaming >liplock. ALL: Nooooo!! > Now Saionji was almost sure he loved Sienna. TOUGA: Then his medication kicked in, and he remembered who he *really* was. >He could just feel it. MIKI: Things are gonna change . . . I can feel it! UTENA : Soy un perdidor . . . AKIO: My real question is just what *is* Saionji feeling up? UTENA: Ecchi. >He pulled her closer, never wanting to let go. TOUGA: Then he snapped her neck and decided to always keep her near him, so he pulled out a pocketknife and started skinning-- UTENA: Touga! That's *disgusting*! >Light, powdery snow began to fall, completing the effect. > Too bad Mama Grizzly didn't feel the same. The huge bear let out >a frightening roar, scaring the two mountain goers out of their wits. MIKI: That's assuming they *had* any wits to begin with. >"Saionji, get out of your skis!" Sienna ordered, clicking out of her >snowboard. > "How?" Saionji shrieked, frozen in place. The bear gave him a >look. AKIO : Make sure you return that look, okay? It's my favorite. > "Geez, do I have to do EVERYTHING myself?" UTENA: Only if you insist. Don't let US stop you. >Sienna stomped on the back of Saionji's bindings, freeing his feet. TOUGA: And then hamstringing him and leaving his helpless body in the snow to distract the bear while she fled . . . >"Now climb!" She shoved him up the tree, then clicked back into her >snowboard and sped off. [long pause] UTENA: Now *there's* a heroic act for you. AKIO : Quick! You get up in the tree and sit there helplessly while I run away and hide! > The grizzly looked up at Saionji perched in the tree. TOUGA : Hmm. Pinata time! >"Sienna!!!" He called back, MIKI [making a note]: Drop the capital "h" . . . >a hint of whininess coming through. "What if someone finds me and I >get in trouble??" AKIO: I should think that if someone found him, he'd be *out* of trouble, since that's what rescuing is usually all about. > "Don't worry, you blend in perfectly!" Her voice replied, echoing >off the trees. TOUGA: Oh, of course. Good old Kyouichi "Coniferous" Saionji . . . >Saionji sighed, then frowned as the romantic flurries started to come >down harder. > Saionji didn't like snow. He really, REALLY didn't like snow. UTENA: Thank you for belaboring that point a little more, story! >****************** MIKI: I think we've exhausted the "star" riffs for now, don't you? UTENA: Mm-hm. AKIO: Well, bless our lucky stars for that . . . > It was lunchtime by the time Sienna reached the lodge, and the >snow was coming down HARD. TOUGA: WWF Smackdown. AKIO: It was coming down almost as hard as the Rock plans to drop the People's Elbow on the candy-ass of the SI jabroni. [does the People's Eyebrow and gets his ponytail yanked by UTENA] >Clicking out of her bindings, she bolted to the first aid office. >"Ski Patrol!" she gasped, MIKI: I hope Steve Gutenberg isn't in there . . . UTENA: At least Eugene Tackelberry would have a quick solution to the grizzly bear problem. >shoving open the door. She took a minute to catch her breath before >she continued. "My friend . . . was . . . chased into . . . a tree >. . . by a bear . . . and I need to get him down," UTENA: And I have . . . been taking . . . acting lessons . . . from William Shatner . . . >she managed to get out. AKIO: Oh, sure, the SI gets to escape the fic . . . > "I'm sorry, miss, but we're closing up because of the storm. [pause] UTENA: What sense does *that* make? Shouldn't they be there specifically because of the storm? TOUGA: Typical American slackers. >Now we'll send someone out there to look, but he shouldn't even be in >the woods anyway." The guy at the desk gave her a look that seemed to >say "I know what you're up to," even though Sienna didn't quite know >what she was up to herself. AKIO: See? Even the SI doesn't know what's going on any more in this bizarre fic. MIKI: That's a first. TOUGA : I know what you did last summer . . . UTENA: Winter, not summer. TOUGA: I keep hoping the fic will melt away if exposed to heat. > "I know, but he veered off and when we went to go back there was >this bear and you're REALLY not being much help, you realize that??" >Sienna ended up shouting. UTENA: Scary. She sounds like Nanami now. AKIO: Well, so far, Nanami's been the only person who's really in character anyway. TOUGA: Say . . . did we ever find what happened to Nanami? I'm kind of worried about her. MIKI: She was picked up by that starship. I've been keeping an eye on it. > "Miss, I'm going to ask you to leave!" The guard yelled right >back. > "Fine! I don't need your help! I'll go get him myself!" Sienna >walked out the door, slamming it as loudly as she could behind her. AKIO: The slam brought a half ton of snow sliding off the roof on top of her, breaking several bones instantly. It would become a race against time for the ski patrol to dig her out of the mass of snow before she suffocated or froze to death. TOUGA: And since we just saw how big those fellows are on doing their job, it looks like she'll be there until spring thaw. UTENA: Ugh. >The snow was coming down so hard she could barely see where she was >going. Before she knew it she had bumped into someone. "Excuse me," >she murmured, trying to walk past. > "You're excused," Akio Ohtori's voice replied. AKIO: The author misspelled "inexcusable" . . . >"Where's your friend?" MIKI: She has *friends*? UTENA: It's a nice way of saying "worshippers." > Sienna stopped and turned around. "Stuck in a tree, can you >believe it?" She rolled her eyes, laughing at the situation. [ALL laugh heartily] TOUGA: Yes, it's quite amusing that Saionji is trapped in a tree, caught between dying of exposure and being killed by a gigantic bear! >"I think it's my fault, but-" ALL: You THINK? > "Do you need a snowmobile? Because I have a car and money, and >we can go rent one to fetch him with." He was hoping he had accented >"car" and "money" enough. AKIO: Car, yes. Money? After all this, I have to wonder. TOUGA: Slush fund? AKIO: Oh, *har har har*. > "You have a CAR???" Sienna's voice seemed to light up. "Dude, >lemme at it!" > Yes! AKIO: No!! > "Of course. Right this way, Miss . . ." > "Cody. Sienna Cody." UTENA: Agent Doubly-annoying, with a license to bore. > "Miss Cody." Akio walked her out to his car, Sienna's smile >growing bigger by the moment. > "Wow, this is a nice piece of metal! AKIO: How dare you speak thus of my car?! TOUGA: Would you rather she had said that *you* had a nice piece of ass? AKIO: It'd be an improvement. >Cherry BMW with four wheel drive, AKIO: It's not a BMW! Infidel, get thee gone! UTENA : As if anything relating to a cherry stands a *chance* around Akio. >leather interior, nice stereo, God knows how many horses... good >thing you left the top up." UTENA: I think that the author's just not good with cars, and is trying to make the SI look knowledgeable. MIKI: It's not working very well. UTENA: You've noticed. TOUGA: Never look a gift car under the hood. > "You wanna take it for a spin?" > "I thought we were going to get a snowmobile." > "No, I mean, do you want to drive." AKIO: It's probably the same thing. I'm picturing my poor car doing doughnuts down the mountainside in the snow, with this crazy wench at the wheel . . . TOUGA: Or being flung out the side to die horribly in a spray of hot red blood and ripped flesh as the wildly spinning vehicle skids over her battered body-- UTENA: Touga, that's *gross*. > Sienna laughed. "Please. First of all, I'm only 15. I don't get >my license until next year. And second of all... It's a REALLY >expensive car. I'm not sure you would want me crashing this sucker, >now would you?" > "Not especially . . ." AKIO: That's not in character for me. MIKI: It's not? AKIO: No. I wouldn't say "Not especially." MIKI: What *would* you say? AKIO [leaping to his feet and screaming]: HELL FRIGGING NO, YOU ANNOYING BUBBLEHEADED BIMBETTE!! UTENA: Oh, don't hold back, Akio. Tell us how you *really* feel about it. > "That's what I thought." Suddenly, Sienna had a brainstorm. TOUGA: Skies are mostly clear today, with a 34% possibility of brainstorms in the Sienna region. UTENA: Of course, her brainstorms are more like weak drizzles. >"But can I start it?" AKIO: Only if I can *finish* it. TOUGA: And I'm sure you don't mean in a *good* way, either. AKIO: Of course it's not in a good way. >Akio handed over the keys, and the gears in Sienna's brain started >clicking. [ALL make loud grinding-squeaking noises] MIKI: Does this mean she had a time bomb for a brain? AKIO: We can only hope. >She got into the driver's seat, and Akio got in on the passenger >side. Sienna started the car, and then, without warning, turned it >around and headed straight for the mountain at top speed. [pause] MIKI: Didn't she say that she didn't have her license yet? AKIO: Yes. MIKI: Wouldn't that mean that she doesn't really know how to drive? AKIO: Are you thinking again, Miki? MIKI: . . . Sorry. > "What the hell are you doing??" Akio screamed, clutching the bar >above the window for dear life. TOUGA: Huh? There isn't an "oh shit" bar! It's a *convertible*! > "Screw the snowmobiles!!! I'm gettin' Saionji!!!" MIKI: And all these extra exclamation points will help me do it!!! UTENA: Looks like they had a three-for-one sale at the punctuation store. >The ski hill was abandoned, so Sienna didn't have to worry about >casualties besides herself and this guy who thought he was all that >and a bag of chips because he was rich and he had a car. UTENA : Okay, so you've got a car. That don't impress me much . . . so you've got the moves, but have you got the touch? . . . AKIO: Of course I do, baby-- [UTENA smacks him soundly] > "My caaaaar!!" Akio wailed, almost in tears. "You're going to >ruin it!!" AKIO: Oh, that would *not* be my reaction. UTENA: Do I want to know what your reaction would be? AKIO: Hollowpoint slugs from a .50 caliber Desert Eagle, introduced via the ear canal. UTENA: Ugh. > "I'm sure you can pay for the damages!" TOUGA: Not after *this* trip, Miss Congeniality. >Sienna replied, following the flattest trail up to the run where she >and Saionji had had their encounter with the bear. UTENA: Couples who have had . . . *encounters* with large mammals, and the families who try to help them cope. On the next Jerry Springer. >The windshield wipers were going full speed, and the car itself was >going 70 or 80 MPH. The tires fared very well in the snow. AKIO: Small consolation for the fact that I've gone insane and am allowing a fifteen-year-old uberkid to drive my car. > Sienna finally found Saionji's tree, after a few minutes of >looking. It was true- he DID blend right in. TOUGA : Saionji is invisible like ninja! >"Saionji!!" she called, waving frantically to the Vice President's >shivering, snow covered figure. She pulled the top down, and Akio >shrieked. UTENA: Because his hand had just been torn off, since he'd been holding the bar above the window. TOUGA: There isn't an "oh shit" bar in a convertible! AKIO: There's plenty of horseshit in this fic, though. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Watch your mouth, Ohtori! AKIO: I'm just talkin' about 'fic! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Oh, shut up. > "Dear God, DON'T PUT THE TOP DOWN!!" now he literally was in >tears. HIS CAAAAAAARR!!! [the duelists' hair ripples in the blast] MIKI: We get the idea, fic! Akio's terribly upset about this car situation! TOUGA: THX(TM). The audience is listening. UTENA: No, the audience is now *deaf*! > "I don't wanna jump!!" Saionji yelled back. > "Don't make me come up there and get you myself, Saionji!" UTENA: So it's a toss-up between a dangerous fall and having the SI come touch you? ALL : Jump. Jump. Jump. AKIO : Jump! For my love . . . jump in! TOUGA: I think that's what we're afraid of. Flaming passionate lip-locks . . . gah. > "Could you?" MIKI [burying head in hands]: There goes his dignity again. > "Ugh . . ." Sienna sighed. TOUGA: Strangely, this echoes our opinion of the fic. >"Saionji, it's either a Cherry BMW with leather interior and a >wicked stereo, or the tree. Your choice." > Oh my God! AKIO'S LEATHER INTERIOR!!! [the duelists are plastered back in their seats] AKIO : I use Armor-All! It should be fine! Just get the SI out of my car! UTENA: Funny, I always thought the leather Akio wears was on his exterior. TOUGA: What do you mean, the leather he wears? UTENA: Remember that yaoi fic? TOUGA: Oh. AAIGH!! > "Okay! I'm coming down!" Saionji took a breath and jumped, >landing in the snow filled back seat. Sienna put the roof up, gunned >the gas, did a U-turn and headed back down the mountain. AKIO : She'll be coming down the mountain when she comes . . . and comes and comes and comes . . . UTENA: *Ecchi*. You'd sleep with her? AKIO: That depends on if I had enough duct tape to silence her annoying yap. MIKI: She reminds me somewhat of a Pekingese or a Chihuahua . . . a small body with an incredibly big, loud, irritating mouth. > Akio just slapped his forehead in defeat. UTENA: Here, let me help you with that, Akio . . . [smacking him a good one] MIKI: Uh-oh. The Rijichou's been Callie-ized! >****************** > "Look at this! LOOK at this!!!" Akio bellowed as Sienna and >Saionji exited the classy vehicle. TOUGA: More like "usually classy, currently in need of detailing" vehicle. > "I see it," Sienna replied calmly UTENA: Can't you just *feel* the sympathy here? >as she and Saionji made their way back to the Pines Inn. After a >stop at the lodge to pick up their equipment, Akio had confiscated >the keys and driven the two back to the B&B in a rage. MIKI: Why a rage? Why not a snit? How about a tizzy or a huff instead? UTENA: . . . are you all right? MIKI: No. >It would take A LONG TIME to fix this. And there were still girls to >meet! AKIO: And to "meat", if you get my OW! UTENA [tightening grip on his ponytail]: Akio no *hentai* . . . > "You . . . you . . . you little . . . ugh!!!" TOUGA: Which sums her up pretty well. >Ohtori slammed a fist on the hood of his car, then realized what he had done and immediately bent down and gave it a hug. AKIO: I did this how, exactly? Am I Reed Richards? Did I just extend my arms to some freakish rubbery degree? >"I'm sorry, honey," he murmured to the semi-destroyed convertible. UTENA: Are you really *that* bad, Akio? AKIO: No, I'm not. Nowhere near. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Hey, Mikage-sama sir? We need more gauze . . . MIKAGE'S VOICE: Here, take Ohtori's keys. And remember this time-- the right pedal makes it go and the left pedal makes it stop. Got it? MAMIYA'S VOICE: My left or your left? AKIO: Oh, God, *NOOOOO*!! UTENA: What were you saying, Akio? > "Freak," Sienna muttered, sweatdropping. "Besides, if you're so >rich, I'm sure you'll be able to pay for it," she added more loudly. MIKI: Even I'm starting to get curious about where all the money for this trip is coming from . . . >"Come on, Saionji, I hear cider and popcorn calling." UTENA: Uh-oh. She's listening to the voices again. Time for her medication. AKIO : Red rum . . . red rum . . . red rum . . . >She grabbed a half frozen Saionji's arm TOUGA: Leaving the fully thawed and completely frozen Saionjis standing there, abandoned. AKIO: The arm, frostbitten beyond recovery, snapped off at the shoulder. UTENA: Ugh. Gross, Akio. >and slowly walked him into the inn and up the stairs to the living >room. MIKI: Sounds like Saionji-sempai's on autopilot. AKIO: Close enough. He's on SI-pilot. >No one was there- apparently the rest of the school was still at the >ski hill. TOUGA: In the raging blizzard? With rampaging grizzly bears around? Riiight. >Sienna once again issued orders, only more calmly this time. AKIO : Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to once again abase yourself before my glory and obey my every whim. Then again, this being the kind of fic it is, we really can't sacrifice our G rating, so your mission's just going to be to whine, cry, act completely OOC, and hug fluffy teddy bears. >"Saionji, go upstairs and change into dry clothes. Get back down >here as soon as possible." Saionji followed her directions without >protest. MIKI [jumping up from his seat]: All right, that's it, I call foul! AKIO: The fic's already foul, Kaoru. What, is Saionji too OOC again? He hasn't been in character since he stopped slapping women. >He was too cold to think. UTENA: Proving once and for all that Saionji's brain consists of maple syrup. > Ten minutes later he came back down the living room wearing a >pair of jeans and a dark green sweatshirt. TOUGA: You vill remain vithin your color-coding! Deviation vill not be tolerated! Macht schnell! >He was still shivering from his adventure in the tree. UTENA: Adventure? What adventure? Parking up in a tree for twenty minutes with an aggravated bear growling at you isn't much of an adventure. >"Sienna, I'm FREEZING," he complained, not caring whether she heard >or not. MIKI: What would you expect from a ski trip to Colorado? Balmy weather in the 80s? AKIO: The author may not realize that Japan also gets snowy and cold at times. It's not as if Saionji's spent his entire life living in Bimini. UTENA: Also, why would he bother putting her name into the complaint if he didn't care whether or not she heard it? > "Poor guy," she replied with a kind laugh. TOUGA: As opposed to her usual mocking, cruel laughter? Gasp! I think the SI is out of character! >"Come on, sit down. Cider's on." She sat Saionji down on the couch, >handed him a hand knit blanket, AKIO: Yuck. Wouldn't the fingernails get scratchy? UTENA: Akio, that's *really* gross! >then walked to the kitchen, coming back a few seconds later with a >big bowl of popcorn and two mugs of cider. TOUGA: Finally, Sienna is giving in to Saionji's Aura of Dominion(TM) and waiting on him hand and foot. AKIO: No, just hand. See the remark about the blanket? > "Thank you," Saionji murmured as he took a mug and wrapped his >hands around it. MIKI: There goes the Aura of Dominion(TM). I don't think I've ever heard Saionji-senpai say "thank you". TOUGA: That's because he usually doesn't. >Sienna sat down next to him on the couch, shivering a bit herself. AKIO: Ah-ha! A weakness--she's vulnerable to Ice magic! Touga, summon your Shiva GF! I'll cast Blizzaga, and-- [UTENA thwacks him] UTENA: No more late-night games of Final Fantasy VIII for you. Especially not before a fic. AKIO: When you can get enough forewarning about fics, I'll listen to that. >It hadn't been a very fun day. > Saionji noticed her shiver, put down his mug, pulled the girl >closer to himself and gave her half of his blanket. AKIO: The left hand or the right? MIKI: In this case, the right hand doesn't know what the left is doing. UTENA: Or else the brain doesn't know what either hand is doing, since that would explain how this fic came to be . . . >"Thanks," she murmured, leaning her head against his shoulder. "I'm >really sorry about what happened today. I shouldn't have been that >mean to you . . . or whatever . . . just, my bad. Totally." TOUGA: Very effective apology there. UTENA : Like, ohmigawd, I was acting like *totally* uncool. Like, I'm like sorry and junk. > "Don't worry about it." The Vice President put his arm around >Sienna's shoulders and glanced out the window. AKIO: Seeing no one near, he pulled Sienna into a sleeper hold and put on more and more pressure as her lips began to turn blue . . . UTENA: Awfully dark. >2 days down, 5 to go. MIKI: Please don't tell me this means there's going to be five more chapters of this thing after all . . . >He then looked back at Sienna, and with a sigh . . . he fell. TOUGA: . . . out of a window, laughing madly, plummeting headlong into the rose garden-- AKIO: Okay, that's *enough* about that! >To Be Continued UTENA: That question you just asked, Miki-kun? Please don't ask it again . . . MIKI: Let's just get out of here. [Duelist's door sequence . . . in reverse!] [1. You hand the Sword of Dios back to the Rose Bride and tell her you had a wonderful time.] [2. You suddenly remember your opponent. Thinking quickly, you point past him and shout "Look! It's Dios!" When he turns to look, you yank the rose off his chest.] [3. The acrophobia doesn't bother you this time, because you're busy reeling around deafened by the bells tolling your victory.] [4. Stopping at the basket, you snip your hasty stitches and return the decorations before getting back into the elevator to descend.] [5. The elevator stops--nearer the bottom this time--and you stroll down the remaining stairs.] [6. You try to reclose the gate properly, but the rippling water in the reservoir suddenly reminds you of all the soda you had before the fic, and you make a hasty exit to run for the lavatory.] [SoR bridge. The duelists resemble survivors of front-line combat, complete with Thousand-Yard Stares and involuntary twitching of the extremities. The message light blinks, and AKIO hits the button without even saying a word] [Observatory. MAMIYA is visible in the background, lying mummified in gauze on a big overstuffed reclining chair] MIKAGE: My, don't we all look traumatized? MAMIYA [speaking through the layer of gauze over his face]: No, I'm much better, really, Mikage-sama sir. I can even feel my hands and feet now! MIKAGE: That's nice, Mamiya. Well? Comments? [SoR. Long pause] UTENA: More of the same SI-serving schlock as the first fic. Not quite as bad, but still pretty terrible. TOUGA: Same bad characterizations, except that Akio got to join in the fun this time. MIKI: Spelling . . . grammar . . . nnngh . . . [UTENA hands him a bottle of ibuprofen] AKIO: I hate you, Souji. I loathe you with every fiber of my being. My hatred will not be soothed until I've cornered you in a dark alley and demonstrated my command of origami to you. [Observatory] MIKAGE [sneering]: Is that supposed to scare me, Ohtori? Origami's hardly a martial art. [SoR] AKIO [deadly smile]: It can be . . . [Observatory. The sneer melts off MIKAGE's face as he thinks about the implications of that] MIKAGE: . . . Get the button, Mamiya. MAMIYA : Right, Mikage-sama sir! [he tries to jump up from the chair. One of the strips of gauze gets caught on the recliner handle, de-reclining it and catapulting MAMIYA headlong into the Viewscreen. A loop of gauze catches MIKAGE around the neck and yanks him along, landing him bodily on the Button] *PWOOSH*! MAMIYA : I'm not hurt! Are you okay, Mikage-sama sir? MIKAGE : To hell with gauze next time. Duct tape instead. Disclaimers and Legalese (in case you missed them the first time around) Original story written by: Callie Summers MSTing written by: Chris Rain Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and any other companies or individuals holding legal claim to them. I have used them here without permission, but hopefully I will not be viciously sued, as I will not be able to buy any more cool merchandise if I'm broke. ^_^ Comments may be sent to: rainclash@yahoo.com You can send negative comments, too, but I prefer more civilized discourse as befits mature adults in this society. Nyaaaaah!! > Two seconds later they were engaged in a passionate, flaming > liplock.