REVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 Episode 103: "My Adventures with the Cast" Written by: Katie R MSTed by: Chris Rain (rainclash@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a story written by Katie R. No insult, injury, infringement, or painful debilitating illness is intended by this MSTing. I do this because (a) it's fun and (b) I have lots of time and imagination on my hands. MST3K is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and possibly a partridge in a pear tree, though the latter is dicey to prove under law. ^_^ Reading this MST can be greatly helped by having at least a passing familiarity with the series; if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. (Shameless plug requirements met. Onward!) [Satellite of Revolution bridge. MIKI is crouched down in front of an instrumentation cabinet, the front panel of which has been set aside to expose the wiring. ANTHY is sitting next to him with a toolbox, and UTENA is peering over his shoulder. TOUGA and AKIO are playing "Pong" on one of the many screens set into the walls] UTENA: Are you sure that's the right place? MIKI: I hope it is. If we can get the external cameras working, maybe we can get an idea of where we actually are in relation to Earth, and maybe even find a relay satellite to patch into. UTENA: Then we'll try to get a message to somebody, right? MIKI: Right. Anthy, hand me the crescent wrench. ANTHY [passing it over]: Here you are, Miki. UTENA: I had no idea you could do this kind of thing, too. I mean, I knew you were a genius, but . . . MIKI [smiling]: I don't spend *all* my time playing the piano and fencing. AKIO: Aren't you done with that *yet*? I'm getting tired of not being able to see anything outside this stupid satellite. UTENA: Leave him alone. Rome wasn't built in a day, you know. [the message light on the console begins to flash] TOUGA: Uh-oh. Miki, Anthy, you'd better cover that stuff up, quickly. [MIKI hastily moves the panel back over the opening in the cabinet, and ANTHY hides the toolbox behind her. TOUGA looks around, then hits the button] [Observatory. MIKAGE, polishing his glasses, leers into the Viewscreen] MIKAGE: Well, well. Keeping busy? I'd hate to see you all expire from boredom. [SoR] AKIO: We're surviving. What do you want *now*, Souji? [Observatory. The view has moved back to show a brand-new panel of instruments, festooned with wire and looking like the Occupational Health and Safety Association would condemn it in a heartbeat] MIKAGE: Behold. I have created a new tool that will, if you will pardon the phrase, revolutionize the world of science! [SoR] AKIO: Ha. Ha. Ha. UTENA: So what does it do? [Observatory] MIKAGE: With a push of this button . . . [he points at a button on the panel, then leans down for a closer look, clears his throat, and points at a different button] With a push of *this* button, a human- sized mass can be instantly transported *from* any programmed location, *to* any programmed location! MAMIYA [appearing in the frame]: Isn't that neat? I think it's really neat! [SoR] ANTHY: That *is* neat . . . MIKI: What are you planning to do with it? AKIO: I suppose it's too much to hope that you'll be getting us down from this satellite with it. [Observatory] MIKAGE: You're right. That's too much to hope for. The latest fic that you will be enjoying inspired me to construct this device--in the name of fairness and all. [SoR] UTENA: The . . . latest fic? What's it about? [Observatory] MIKAGE: It involves an author who puts herself into Ohtori Academy to interact with a number of our most *prominent* students. It's only fair to let them criticize such character assassination! [SoR] MIKI: Oh, no. Not *another* self-insertion! UTENA: Um . . . *which* students are going to be involved? [Observatory. MIKAGE, grinning evilly, is typing busily on the keyboard of the panel. A small screen lights up, showing the Seitokai balcony. SAIONJI is just stepping out of the elevator and walking out through the archway] MIKAGE: Kyouichi Saionji, prepare yourself . . . [he presses the panel's button] [SoR. There is a loud *ZAP*, a flash of light, and a puff of smoke. SAIONJI is standing where MIKI was a moment ago, looking understandably startled] UTENA: Where's Miki?! [Observatory] MIKAGE: He's in his quarters. I'm not bringing any of you back down *here*, as I said. Suffer well, my little pets! Mamiya, send them the fic! MAMIYA: Right away, Mikage-sama sir! [SoR] SAIONJI: I demand an explanation for this! Touga! What's going on? [The familiar klaxons and lights start going off] UTENA: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIGN! SAIONJI: What? TOUGA: Just nod and smile. Come on, I'll explain this to you in the theatre. [Duelist's door sequence!] [6. It's the gate to the Arena. You try to open it, but you haven't got a Rose Seal ring. Finally, you pick the lock with a credit card and walk through.] [5. It's the spiral staircase from hell. You make it about halfway up before realizing there's an elevator and climbing in.] [4. The elevator stops about ten feet from the top. You walk halfway up the rest of the stairs, realize that you aren't getting a fancier outfit, and pause at the convenient basket placed on the stairs to sew on the decorations yourself.] [3. The archway at the top of the staircase. You accidentally glance over the side, suffer a violent attack of acrophobia, and cling to the side of the archway, whimpering for your mommy.] [2. You wait for the Rose Bride to place the rose on your chest, but first you have to help her pull the thorns off. Ow! Ow! Ow!] [1. The Rose Bride does her spiel and falls back over your arm; you draw the Sword of Dios from her chest and use it to hack down the final door into the theatre.] [the duelists take their seats--from left to right: TOUGA, UTENA, AKIO, and SAIONJI] SAIONJI: What is the *point* of this? UTENA: Weren't you listening? Mikage wants us to suffer. SAIONJI: He could hardly do better than dumping us in this squalid little theatre. TOUGA: You'll find out how much worse it gets . . . >My Adventures with the Cast AKIO: Bomp-chicka-wow-wow . . . UTENA: Would you *stop* that? I don't think this is going to be a lemon. [mutters] At least, I *hope* not. >Strange things happen when completely obsessed girl somehow finds >herself at Ohtori Academy... AKIO: I think I'm right in my assessment of the situation . . . >Note: This was not originally my idea... this is where I got it from: TOUGA : My best friend's lunchbox. AKIO : A guy down in Times Square who had fifteen watches on his forearm. UTENA : A long, hazy afternoon spent sniffing glue. SAIONJI: What are you three *doing*? UTENA: Trust us. It helps to kill the pain. Why don't you try it? SAIONJI: Hmph. >Blood Soaked and Honor Bound. AKIO: Just the way I like it . . . [long silence while everyone stares at AKIO] >It's a really smart and funny web site, so go to it! :) SAIONJI: On the basis of *this* recommendation, I shan't waste my time. UTENA: Good start, Saionji-san. >Also, I don't own any of these characters except for me and my cat. TOUGA: Self-imposed slavery? And does the SPCA know about the cat? >One more thing. AKIO : I am completely insane, and had to write this with a Crayola on a paper towel because they wouldn't let me have anything with more danger potential here in my room with soft walls. >The first two aren't very interesting, but they're short, TOUGA: Sounds as if she's discussing her past boyfriends. SAIONJI: I'm sure you'd know how *that* sounds. TOUGA: Look who's talking. >and the serve as a sort of introduction. AKIO: Miki's not here. Someone do the spelling checks. [the other three look at each other dubiously for a moment, all with expressions of "Not *me*!"] UTENA: Why don't you do it, Akio-san? AKIO: I'm delegating responsibility. UTENA: You're not doing it very *well* . . . TOUGA: Let's settle this fairly. Whoever loses does it. [a quick round of rock-paper-scissors ensues. SAIONJI loses] SAIONJI [slouching truculently in his seat]: *Hmph*! I refuse to demean myself in this fashion . . . AKIO: Did you want to sponge off Wakaba-san next semester, Saionji? SAIONJI [sitting bolt upright]: "And *they* serve" et cetera . . . >If you only read one, read the Saionji one, because SAIONJI [smirking]: Because I'm the best one of the entire group? UTENA: In your dreams. >there's going to be some fanfic later TOUGA: Or your nightmares. It's *bad* to have fanfic authors target you, Saionji. SAIONJI: . . . it is? UTENA: I'll show you the last one we did when we get out of here. [TOUGA groans] >that will have some stuff in it that won't make sense if you haven't >read that part. AKIO: A sense of continuity? In a *fanfic*? I'm astonished! >This definately isn't my favorite piece of writing, SAIONJI : And the spell checker is "definitely" not my favorite word-processing tool. UTENA: Good, Saionji. You'll get the hang of this. AKIO [snickering]: Uh-huh-huh-uh-huh . . . he said "tool" . . . UTENA: *Akio*, stop that! SAIONJI: Does he do that frequently, Tenjou? UTENA: *Constantly*. I think it's something in the water up here. >and I debated on whether to put it up or not. [AKIO snickers again, then shuts up as UTENA raises a hand] SAIONJI: He didn't act like this on the campus. TOUGA: Not publically, true . . . >Besides, some people (not me, though) may think that these >stick-yerself-in-your-fantasy-universe AKIO: Or "stick-yourself-in-your-fantasy-universe-characters" . . . [UTENA smacks him soundly] SAIONJI: Is she allowed to do that? TOUGA: She wears a boy's uniform on the premise that there's no rule *against* it. I don't think there's a rule against slapping the Trustee Chairman for acting like a pervert. Therefore, logically, she *can* do that. SAIONJI: That's a bit flimsy. TOUGA: Would *you* like to argue with her about it? [UTENA looks over at SAIONJI and closes her hand into a fist, cracking her knuckles loudly] SAIONJI: . . . no. >stories are kind of tacky. But heck, was it fun. So, just tolerate me >;) [pause] UTENA: I think we missed something in there. AKIO [reading back over it, then going pale]: Oh no! It's another self-insertion! TOUGA [groaning]: No . . . no . . . no . . . [UTENA buries her head in her hands] SAIONJI: What's the problem with you people? TOUGA: Self-insertion fics are *bad*. Very, very bad . . . >Utena UTENA: No! Leave me out of this! I don't care if I'm the main character! [the Satellite shudders just a little] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Fourth Wall! Watch it in there! SAIONJI: What's the "Fourth Wall?" TOUGA: I'll explain later. >A girl with brown hair and glasses, wearing an Ohtori Academy >uniform, SAIONJI: Her *glasses* were wearing the uniform? AKIO: I think it's a mild grammatical error. At least, I hope so. >walks up to the "haunted" dorm where Utena Tenjou and Anthy Himemiya >live alone. TOUGA: Actually, strictly speaking, they *don't* live alone. They live together. Along with Chu Chu. SAIONJI: Thank you for *reminding* me, Touga. [looks sulky] >She is lugging two suitcases with her and a couple of boxes of >personal belongings sit next to her on the concrete step, along with >a computer and monitor. UTENA: How did she carry all of that? TOUGA: A few trips, maybe? AKIO: No, no. She's a self-insertion. She used the Force, or her telekinetic mutant powers, or the sheer aura of her charisma to carry everything at once. SAIONJI: Are these "self-insertions" really that bad? AKIO: You'll see. >She struggles to knock on the door with her hands full of luggage. TOUGA: Just hit the door with one of the suitcases. Better yet, throw it through a window. *That'll* get someone's attention. AKIO: And she's probably filthy rich, too, so she can replace the window without a problem. Hell, she's probably an expert glazier on top of all her other astonishing skills . . . SAIONJI: Should I be worried? UTENA: You might as well start now, if you haven't already. >After a few moments, a pink-haired girl in a rather odd outfit opens >the door. UTENA [burying her face in her hands]: It's not *odd*, it's just a boy's uniform. What's the problem with that? TOUGA: Nothing at all. I like the way it shows your figure. UTENA: I'm going to show *you* a figure, Touga, and you're not going to like it one bit . . . >"Oh, Katie-sempai! SAIONJI: How did you recognize her on sight? UTENA: Mug shots? Who knows? *I* want to know why I'm being respectful toward her automatically. TOUGA: Modified Aura of Smooth(TM)? >The administration told me you were moving in. Let me help you with >those..." Katie blinks and hands one of the suitcases to Utena. AKIO: Utena immediately swung the heavy suitcase and caught Katie in the pit of the stomach. As she doubled up, gasping, Utena brought the suitcase back around and hit her squarely alongside the head. Bone cracked, blood splattered the floor . . . UTENA: That wasn't dark. That was disgusting. AKIO: You're just jealous because I said it first. >"Sempai?" SAIONJI: Hmm? TOUGA: Hmm? UTENA: She's not talking to you. >"Yeah, you are three classes above me." UTENA: At least I don't have to deal with her in school. >"Oh, right..." Katie suddenly realises SAIONJI: "Realizes" . . . unless she's either British or is pretending to be. >that she is in the same grade as Touga and Saionji, which is somewhat >disturbing. TOUGA: Only *somewhat* disturbing? I'm getting scared. SAIONJI: I'm starting to worry. UTENA: Good. You ought to. >Utena grabs a box and she and Katie begin lugging the stuff inside. A >small black and white cat follows closely behind them. UTENA: Well, one of two things should happen. The cat will beat up or eat Chu Chu . . . or Chu Chu will eat the cat. TOUGA: Can he *do* that? UTENA : You haven't seen Chu Chu eat, have you. >"What a cute kitty," Utena mentions. AKIO : I bet he'll be delicious with Tabasco. UTENA: *Ugh*. Akio! >The cat meows, loudly. Very loudly. More loudly than it would be >thought possible for a cat of her size. Or any cat, for that matter. SAIONJI: A supersonic furball. How . . . cute. [AKIO takes out a small tape recorder, holds it up, and hits "play". A monstrously amplified version of the MGM Lion roar shakes the theatre] UTENA [hands over ears]: Don't *do* that!! TOUGA : Here, Juliana! >Utena's eyes get giant. AKIO: Now *that* would be impressive. >"Oh, don't worry about her. She acts like this towards everyone." TOUGA: You mean she ruptures their eardrums? Aw, what a darling kittycat . . . >The cat jumps up and perches, Pikachu-style, [The Satellite lurches; the Duelists hang on to their seats] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Who could have seen *that* coming? MAMIYA'S VOICE: Aww, Pikachu! It's so cute! Pika! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Mamiya? MAMIYA'S VOICE: Yes, Mikage-sama sir? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Shut up. >on Katie's shoulder. Utena recovers quickly AKIO: . . . bleeding heavily from both ears . . . >and leads Katie and her loud cat up to their room. UTENA: Hopefully *far* away from my room. SAIONJI : Step right this way, Katie-*sempai*. Here's the door to your new dorm room, with a *great* view of the rose garden below. Watch out for that first step, though; it's a doozy. >"Your room will be on the third floor. Anthy and I live on the second >floor, SAIONJI: Well, it looks as if your prayer's been answered, Tenjou. UTENA: Whee. >and there's no one else here." They bring Katie's things up to the >third floor, all the way down to the end of the hall. TOUGA: I hope her room's actually the broom closet. Serve her right. AKIO: Where *else* would you put a witch for the night? UTENA: Gee, I don't know. Maybe the Trustee Chairman's place? [AKIO glares] >"There must not be any room in any of the other dorms, AKIO [laughing]: *Riiiiight* . . . SAIONJI: And if you believe *that*, I have some nice swamp land in Florida for sale. Great low prices! >or they would have put you there. I don't think the Student Council >really wants anyone else living with us, TOUGA: Especially if it's not *me*. AKIO: Did you *say* something, Kiryuu? [the two glare at each other over UTENA's head] >but..." Utena smiles. "I sure won't mind having someone else to eat >with. Anthy's an... um... interesting cook." TOUGA: That's a diplomatic way of putting it. SAIONJI: You have *no* idea. UTENA: I happen to *like* shaved ice, thank you. AKIO: Anything else you'd happen to like shaved? UTENA: *Akio*! [smack] >They set Katie's stuff down in her new room. "Well, there you go. >I'll leave you alone to get settled." AKIO: "I'd get settled much faster if you stayed," Katie says, starting to undress-- UTENA: *Akio*! [whack!] >"Thanks!" Katie waves to Utena as the 8th grader walks off back >toward her room. TOUGA : Am I glad to be away from *her*. Boy oh boy . . . >The cat jumps off Katie's shoulder, meowing loudly, SAIONJI: --breaking a few windows . . . [TOUGA hums the Meow Mix theme song] SAIONJI : So good, cats ask for it by name. [AKIO starts to open his mouth, then shuts it quickly, noticing UTENA getting ready to smack him again] >and wanders off into the dorm room. After a few minutes of Katie >exploring the immediate vicinity, a voice calls to her from down the >hall. AKIO : Avon calling . . . >"Hey, Katie-sempai! Can you help me with this Algebra? UTENA: Why would I ask someone I've just met to help me with my math homework? I have no idea if she even knows that two plus two equals four. SAIONJI: Reasonable assumption? Who knows? AKIO : I get by with a little help from my friends . . . oooh, I get high with a little help from my friends . . . TOUGA: Interesting idea, but probably unnecessary. >Miki's off somewhere with Anthy..." SAIONJI: Oh, I suppose he *is*. [scowl] AKIO : *I* know what they're doooo-ing . . . UTENA: What, tending the roses? AKIO: More like tending *her* garden-- [UTENA smacks him, of course] >"All right, I'll be right down." [AKIO opens his mouth, eyes UTENA's threateningly raised hand, and shuts his mouth] >Katie leans into her room. "Hey, cat. Don't do anything I wouldn't >do. SAIONJI: I think she just barred the cat from doing almost anything a cat *could* do. AKIO: Such as lick its own privates? UTENA: Akio, I'm going to start bringing a baseball bat in here! >I'll be back in a while." She is answered by a resounding meow TOUGA : Yeah, sure, whatever. Stupid human. *Yawn*. >and she heads in the direction of Utena's room. SAIONJI: Maybe she'll get lost and never be seen again . . . >Anthy UTENA: It looks like my torture's over, but poor Anthy's has just begun . . . AKIO: Her suffering started a long, *long* time ago. UTENA: Do *not* remind me. >Katie sits at a long table in the empty dining hall of Utena and >Anthy's dorm, tapping her fork on a plate. TOUGA: What is this, a prison scene? All she needs is a tin cup to rattle across the bars . . . AKIO: Mmm. Prison scene. Women only. *Mmm* . . . [UTENA tries to smack him; he manages to duck and she narrowly misses clobbering SAIONJI] >Utena is seated beside her. > >"I wonder where Anthy is..." TOUGA: Doesn't everybody? UTENA : I wonder. I wonder. Do you know what I wonder? SAIONJI: I'll guess that it's "When is this fic going to *end*?" >Just then, a pretty young girl wearing glasses walks in with a >strange- looking mouse-thing on her shoulder. Oh, no, wait. That's a >monkey. UTENA: Thank you for the informative side note, story. What would we do without these little info-blips? SAIONJI: Does this happen frequently, too? UTENA: Frequently enough to be a pain. >"Sorry to keep you waiting. Would you like something to eat?" She >smiles in a benign fashion AKIO: More like "vacant fashion" . . . she's good at that. UTENA and SAIONJI: Akio! [then they jump in their seats and stare at each other warily, startled to be in agreement on something] >and clasps her hands over her sailor-suit uniform. TOUGA: Sometimes I wonder why that particular shade of green was used for those uniforms. Not to mention those puffy sleeves on the girls' outfits . . . AKIO: I'll see if I can find the records. It's probably nothing too exciting, though. >"Um, sure, thanks," Katie answers, smiling back. > >"How about some curry? It's a new invention! UTENA: Oh, *no*, not *that*! SAIONJI: AAAIIIGH!! [clutches the armrests of his seat] TOUGA: Having flashbacks, Saionji? SAIONJI: Rrrgh . . . >Miki said it was amazing." AKIO: Miki *would*. >Anthy smiles brightly, looking somewhat pleased with herself. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Wow, Mikage-sama sir, Anthy could give you lessons in Mad Scientisthood! MIKAGE'S VOICE: If I want your opinion, Mamiya, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, keep it to yourself! >"Sure, I'd--" Katie isn't able to get the entire sentance out SAIONJI: But the "sentence" got out just fine. AKIO: And ran away screaming, happy to escape the fic. >before Utena elbows her in the ribs. TOUGA: *Crack*! >"How about something else tonight, Anthy?" Utena asks. UTENA: Macaroni, ramen, spaghetti, toast--*anything* but curry. TOUGA : I feel like chicken tonight, chicken tonight . . . AKIO: Well, that's *one* way of getting to nibble on a breast. UTENA: *Akio*! >"Shaved ice?" UTENA: . . . well, I did say "anything." >"That would be fine." > >Anthy nods and heads toward the kitchen. > >"Shaved ice? For dinner?" AKIO: It's a good weight-loss program. Of course, you also lose vital nutrition and eventually suffer medical complications, but dammit, you'll be thin! TOUGA: *Everybody* in this show is thin. Haven't you noticed our surrealistic limb proportions? [the Satellite rocks] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Kiryuu! I'm going to make you fix that breach yourself if you keep it up! >Katie watches Anthy go, looking a little perplexed. SAIONJI: Oh, she used a *big* word. She must be proud. >"It's better than the alternative." Katie gives Utena a confused >look, but Utena doesn't seem to notice. "And I don't really like >acting in plays all that much... or reading all the time, either. But >I might get better grades..." > >"Huh?" UTENA: That's what *all* of us are thinking right now. >Utena looks up. "Oh, nothing..." > >Anthy returns a few minutes later with three intricate cups of some >stubstance or other. AKIO: On a wild guess, I'd say it's shaved ice. SAIONJI: I hope she meant "substance" . . . TOUGA: Maybe Anthy got into her brother's secret stash, and that's some other kind of "snow" in there? AKIO: I disavow all knowledge of any such thing. >She sets them down in front of Katie and Utena, the latter of which >digs in. The former takes a little spoonful with some of the red >syrup. TOUGA: I think she's showing off her English Lit education. SAIONJI: Give me the paper this fic's written on and a Zippo and *I'll* show *you* "English Lit." >"Hey, this is really good." > >"It's good if you mix the red and the yellow together, too," Anthy >suggests as she sits down across from Utena. UTENA: Strange . . . that sounded kind of familiar . . . MIKAGE'S VOICE: Ignore it. >Katie emits a small shriek as a little grey creature emerges from her >shaved ice and topples onto the table. "Chu-Chu! SAIONJI: *Ugh*. Who could eat after *that* thing's been in the food? TOUGA: On a wild guess, I'd say the self-insertion can. >That isn't very nice!" Anthy repromands AKIO: What's a "repromand"? Sounds like something having to do with photocopies. SAIONJI: "Reprimands" . . . >the strange-looking monkey. Katie laughs, using her napkin to towel >off the little thing, who is now tinged slightly orange. > >"Oh, it's okay. I'm used to having my dinner interupted by animals, I >don't mind." SAIONJI: "Interrupted" . . . UTENA : You think this is bad? Try having a herd of elk stampede through the dining room. TOUGA: Sounds like something that would happen to Nanami. >Katie's cat pads into the dining room as if on cue and emits her >Sonic Thunder Meow, MAMIYA'S VOICE: See, Mikage-sama sir? It IS a Pokemon! MIKAGE'S VOICE: That's it. I'm getting the duct tape. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Does something need to be fixed, Mikage-sama sir? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Oh, yes indeed. >almost bringing the chandeliers down on the three girls. [AKIO hums the "Phantom of the Opera" theme] >Touga TOUGA: . . . oh, no. UTENA: Suck it up, playboy. >Katie is wandering aimlessly around the Ohtori Academy grounds, >having no classes this period, SAIONJI: Not even a study hall? Hmph . . . AKIO: Far as I can tell, she's got no class, *period*. >watching the other students and generally wishing that she >had a Student Council uniform so that she wouldn't have to wear this >puffy-sleeved dress anymore... [the Satellite quivers briefly, but no severe breach occurs] AKIO: *Someone* is making blatant use of author knowledge! UTENA: Could be worse. She could have written herself in as an actual member of the Student Council. AKIO: True. >She stops in the shade of a beautifully sculpted archway to watch a >group of grade-school students playing marbles. Suddenly, she feels a >long-fingered hand caress her cheek. UTENA: Golly. Wonder who *that* could be. >"You're new at this school, aren't you?" AKIO: Fresh meat! UTENA: Akio . . . >Katie whirls around and ends up face to face (or rather, face to >chest) with an extremely handsome, red-haired male. UTENA: I was right. TOUGA [preening a bit]: She got the description right . . . AKIO : Mmm. Pecs. >She backs up a little, bumping into one of the pillars holding up the >archway. SAIONJI: . . . knocking it over, and causing massive property damage as thirty-five percent of the school's facade collapses. AKIO: Medium gray. Not really *dark*. Good try, though. >"Did I startle you? I apologize. May I see your student ID?" It >wasn't a demand, only a request, practically purred out by this >attractive bishounen UTENA: Fanboy Japanese to the rescue . . . TOUGA: At least it's accurate. UTENA: You have *such* an ego. >standing in front of her. Yep, that's Touga Kiryuu, all right... >Katie fishes in her pocket and SAIONJI: . . . has her hand bitten off by the live piranha in there. AKIO: Getting darker. Nice. >comes up with her newly acquired Student Identification Card. TOUGA: Witness the Power of Capitalized Words! SAIONJI: Akio, what *is* the going rate for one of those supercharged student IDs? AKIO: Enough. I have to defray the cost of housing the Power of Dios *somehow*, after all. Did you think that maintaining a projector that size is cheap? >She hands it to him. Touga regards it silently for a moment and gives >it back to her. UTENA : Nice picture. You only look mildly subhuman instead of like a shaved ape. SAIONJI: Huh? UTENA: Haven't you noticed that all pictures taken for "official" reasons--driver's licenses, passports, ID cards--make the person look utterly awful? AKIO: You know, "shaved" is *very* appealing in the fairer sex. UTENA: Why am I not surprised you said that? >"Katie-san. The pleasure is all mine." AKIO: That's debatable. >Yeah, I'll bet... TOUGA: Don't put *too* much money down on that. >Katie smiles politely. "Thanks." > >"So, you're new to the eleventh grade." UTENA : Actually, this is my third time in the eleventh grade, but I'm new here at the school. >"That's right." Katie glances behind him as a group of girls walk >pass, SAIONJI: They're either passing, or walking past. Pick one. >staring at Touga and, needless to say, AKIO: Then why are you saying it? >commenting to each other on how incredably SAIONJI [sighing]: "Incredibly." >sexy he is. If they only knew... TOUGA: *Everybody* knows. AKIO: But not *everything* . . . [TOUGA suddenly finds reason to stare fixedly at the ceiling for several moments] >Katie turns her attention back to Touga, who was eyeing her in a most >suggestive manner. UTENA: And this is different from his usual behavior *how*? TOUGA: I normally have better taste. >"If you need any assistance at all, all you need do is ask me. Would >you like me to show you around campus?" AKIO: At least you haven't introduced yourself by sneaking into her room and lying in her bed waiting for her to come in. TOUGA: Don't remind me of the last fic, thanks. >"Oh, no, that's really okay..." Katie smiles again, trying to hide >her embarassment. SAIONJI: I'm not correcting any more typos. AKIO: Too much "embarrassment," hmm, Saionji? >"It's no trouble. Do you need any help getting adjusted to your >classes? I'm quite skilled in the art of... instruction..." He >touches her cheek again, his fingers slowly travelling down the side >of her neck, UTENA: When did you go from flirting to outright sexual harassment, Touga? TOUGA: I haven't. >giving no indication of stopping... until Katie slaps him across the >face. AKIO: Sadly, she was immediately expelled and wound up starving to death in the gutter because nobody would hire her without a diploma. The End. >"Back off, Mr. President." SAIONJI: What Bill Clinton doesn't hear often enough. >Touga puts his hands up in a gesture of innocence, TOUGA: . . . then closed them around her throat, squeezing inevitably tighter and tighter . . . >his left cheek slightly red where she slapped him. "I'm sorry. I >didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm really quite a feminist >myself. I'm very chivalrous." [laughter from everybody except TOUGA] TOUGA: I *am* chivalrous. This jerk on-screen, however . . . UTENA: Ah yes, the code of chivalry. Honor, trust, loyalty, justice, and feeling up everything with breasts and skirts. >My sweet heinie you are... "That's all right. I think I can manage by >myself, thank you anyway." AKIO : Now bug off. >Touga nods once, smiling. "It's nothing. If you'll excuse me..." He >moves away from her and heads off towards the school. His expression >darkens as soon as he is facing in the other direction, and he >mumbles something about getting her expelled and throwing all her >most intimate possessions into the incinerator. SAIONJI: I wonder what the author meant by that? TOUGA [shifting nervously in his seat]: I haven't the slightest idea, old friend . . . >Katie starts to walk out into the grassy area where the kids are >playing, and sees a small group of younger students stalking towards >her. "Uh oh." UTENA: The Horsemen of the Apocalypse approach . . . >"What did you do to my big brother?!" UTENA: I certainly know how to call it. AKIO: What a protective little sister you have, Touga. How adorable. TOUGA: Leave Nanami alone, Ohtori. >Geez, what is she, psychic? > >Katie, although considerably taller than Nanami, cringes as the >seventh-grader confronts her. SAIONJI: Yes, cower in fear before the Wrath of Nanami. >"My big brother has a red mark on his face! I was watching you! You >slapped him, didn't you?!" AKIO: If you were watching, why are you asking? You already know! >Nanami leaned forward menacingly, her posse of henchgirls UTENA: Nanami's Posse, the new rap sensation . . . >crowding in back of her. > >Behind them, inside the school, a bell rings. Katie takes advantage >of the opportunity and bolts, calling over her shoulder, "Sorry >Nanami, gotta go to class! Catch ya later!" She flies through the >door, almost trampling a bunch of freshmen. AKIO: Multiple assault convictions don't look good on your school record. SAIONJI: I would say "saved by the bell," but that's too *obvious*. >Nanami crosses her arms over her chest as her head henchgirl UTENA: Which one? Aiko, Keiko, or Yuuko? AKIO: Larry, Curley, or Moe? SAIONJI: Who, What, or Idon'tknow? TOUGA: Athos, Porthos, or Aramis? >comes up next to her. "But Nanami-sama, that was the lunch bell!" ALL : Wa-wa-waaa . . . >Saionji SAIONJI: What?! Me?! UTENA: Welcome to Hell, Saionji. >After successfully eluding Nanami and her posse, Katie moves on to >her next item of business: bothering Saionji. SAIONJI: Leave me out of this! TOUGA: Now, now. We had to put up with it, so it's only fair. >She peeks into the kendo room, which is illuminated only by the >daylight coming through the windows and the half-open door. UTENA: Isn't that how it's *always* illuminated? You'd think they didn't have electricity in there . . . SAIONJI: That's because it's supposed to be *traditional*. You know, contributing to the harmony and flow of the energy within? >Katie steps into the room, clearing her throat to get the green- >haired one's attention. AKIO: I'm reminded strangely of "Peanuts". "It's the little red- haired girl!" TOUGA: Or "Ranma 1/2." "Pig-tailed girl!" UTENA: Or "Sailor Moon." "Odango atama!" SAIONJI : Do you mind? >There he is, Mr. Sunshine and Daisies himself. [UTENA bursts out laughing] SAIONJI : Do you *mind*? AKIO: If she's not careful, *Katie* will be pushing up daisies. >Kyouichi Saionji looks up from the other side of the room where he >was practicing, a look of "just who the hell do you think you are?" >on his face. >"Is there something you want?" The tone conveys that very same >sentiment. TOUGA: I'll give this author credit for nailing that description perfectly. We've all seen *that* look and heard *that* tone before. SAIONJI : *Do you mind*? >"Hi, Saionji-kun! How's it going?" Katie waves cheerily. The kendo >team captain, clad in that very becoming skirt of his, AKIO: I never noticed how pretty that skirt really is. SAIONJI: IT IS NOT A *SKIRT*. TOUGA: Well, Saionji's right, Akio. It's not a skirt, it's a pair of bloused-out pants. AKIO: Looks like a skirt to me. Hmm . . . Saionji . . . UTENA: Akio. *No*. >stalks over to the girl. He glares at her, very much getting into her >personal space, which, at the moment, is not an entirely pleasant >thing. UTENA: It never *is* pleasant to have him in your personal space. SAIONJI : DO YOU MIND? >Katie laughs nervously, cringing a bit. "Uh... Saionji-san?" TOUGA: Oh no. A game of "Hot and Cold". SAIONJI: Getting closer. Not quite, though. >There was still no reaction from Saionji except his ever popular >"Obey me before I have to hurt you" look. UTENA: Anthy had to see that look far too much. Akio, if I asked you to duck so I can hit Saionji, would you? AKIO: Anything to get a closer view of your graceful legs, my dear. UTENA: On second thought, forget it. >"Uhhh.... Saionji-sama?" SAIONJI: Acceptable. >"Better." He still doesn't look too happy. Well, what do you expect >from him? TOUGA: Thank you for the clever aside, story. SAIONJI: I think I understand why Souji classes this as torture. He *really* doesn't like you, does he, Ohtori? AKIO: No, and it's mutual. >"Now, what do you want? No one is allowed in the kendo room except >members of the kendo club." UTENA: Which is why I walked right in . . . and all those fangirls hang around without being bothered . . . >"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I'd like to join." [SAIONJI bursts out laughing] >Saionji regards her for a moment and bursts out laughing. [SAIONJI chokes and stares] TOUGA: It does that to you ever so often. Don't read anything into it. You'll only give yourself an ulcer. >"I'm not joking! I'd look a lot more serious if I wasn't wearing this >stupid thing..." She said, still not having gotten over the puffy >Ohtori uniforms. UTENA: Don't knock it until it's saved your biceps from being cut to pieces in a duel. Even though the whole thing winds up showing off a lot more skin than you might like once it's been slashed up . . . TOUGA: Look, I *said* I was sorry. AKIO : Yes, indeed. That was *quite* the sight from the balcony . . . >"Come on, Saionji-.. um... sama. You at least have to give me a >chance..." UTENA : All we are saying . . . is give Katie a chance . . . SAIONJI: Yes, I'll give you a chance--one chance to GET OUT, that is. >Saionji gives her a martyred look. "Fine, fine, just shut up. I >suppose I could use a laugh." UTENA: There's another strangely familiar statement. Where have I heard that one before? [gives SAIONJI a dark look] >Katie thinks that if he needs a laugh, she would be glad to tickle >him, and it would just move her closer to her goal of driving him to >distraction. SAIONJI: If she touches me, I'm going to beat her unconscious and claim self-defense. TOUGA: I don't think there's a single court that would convict you. >However, she decides against it in that it could be severely >detrimental to her physical wellbeing. SAIONJI: She has *that* right. >Unaware of her plot, Saionji continues. "I'll let you spar against >me. I'd rather have someone else do it, UTENA : Because I don't want to dirty my hands with you, you little peon. SAIONJI: You're correct. >but there isn't anyone else around today. Here..." he takes a shinai TOUGA: At least she knows the word. Amazing. >from it's holder SAIONJI: Drop the apostrophe. [pause] How does Miki *do* this without going insane? UTENA: Lots of practice, I guess. >and tosses it to her. He then picks one for himself and moves to the >center of the room where he assumes a sparring position. TOUGA: Just any old sparring position, presumably. Details aren't important. AKIO: I prefer the position where one partner is leaning back, balancing on-- UTENA: Akio, *no*! >Katie looks at the bamboo sword in her hands and shrugs. What the >heck. I guess I'll get the hang of it... AKIO: Then she grabs the K-Y jelly and-- UTENA: Akio! [smack!] SAIONJI: Now, the first thing you need to do is grab hold of your shinai tightly, turn around and bend *way* over . . . AKIO : Are you *sure* I'm supposed to do that? SAIONJI: Well, I *am* the kendo team captain, so I *am* the resident expert . . . >"All right. Let's see what you can do..." Saionji lunges at her and >she blocks it with the shinai. SAIONJI: Which promptly shatters, sending fragments and splinters of bamboo into her face and body, lacerating her horribly . . . TOUGA: Temper, temper, Saionji. >Being considerably stronger than she, Saionji takes advantage of her >inexperience and shoves her onto the floor. AKIO [grinning broadly]: *This* is what I like to see! [he ducks UTENA's slap] >This is harder than I thought... AKIO [the grin getting even wider]: I bet it is! Mmm-mmm! [UTENA doesn't miss this time, since SAIONJI has a grip on AKIO's collar, preventing him from ducking or dodging. The scuffle in the front row goes on for a few minutes while TOUGA watches, greatly entertained. When it ends, AKIO's hair is half out of its ponytail, UTENA is cracking her knuckles with a smirk, and SAIONJI is straightening his jacket] TOUGA: Did that help at all? UTENA: *I* feel better. >Katie picks herself up and makes an attack, their sparring swords >clattering loudly as they lock. Saionji throws her back once again, >this time square into the wall. UTENA: This sounds familiar. Duelling with Saionji is like getting into a wrestling match and being able to use sticks. TOUGA: There's a name for that. It's called "lacrosse." >Ow... stuff THIS! Katie throws the shinai to the floor, warrenting >strange looks from Saionji, who stops in puzzlement. AKIO [nursing a black eye]: He was bewildered by the typo. SAIONJI: "Warranting". >"Do you give up?" TOUGA : Yes, O Lord and Master, please don't hurt me! SAIONJI: I'd almost think about stopping if she said that. >Not answering, Katie puts her hands up in front of her, palms >forward. AKIO: What is she waiting for, a pitch? TOUGA: Aaaand here's the windup, and the pitch! It's a low ball and--*oh*. What a tragedy! Katie was just hit by the ball. She's on the ground in the fetal position. Yes, fans, even girls should have *some* sort of athletic protection down there . . . >"Power beyond the twilight in crimson blood that flows UTENA: Um . . . SAIONJI: Something wrong? >Buried in the stream of time is where your power grows UTENA: Where have I heard this before? TOUGA: Hmm? >I pledge myself to conquor all the foes who stand UTENA: Seriously, I've heard this somewhere! SAIONJI: Hey . . . I think you're right. What *is* this? . . . >Against the might gift bestowed in my unworthy hand. UTENA: Little red-haired girl, had a big dumb blonde guy for a sidekick . . . AKIO: Yes! Her name's Lynn something . . . or Eileen . . . or . . . TOUGA: Lina! That's right, Lina Inverse! SAIONJI: But then that means . . . [horrified pause] >Dragon Slave!" [the duelists all scream and hit the floor, ducking under the chairs. Somehow, they still have a view of the screen. The Satellite is bucking wildly and klaxons are going off in the distance] >A beam of light and fire explodes from her hands and flares across >the room, blasting a hole in the far wall. UTENA : THAT'S IT?! Just a *hole* in the *wall*?! That spell blows entire towns to smithereens! Ohtori Academy should be blasted into free-floating molecules, soot, and smoke! SAIONJI : She shot a dud? AKIO : Couldn't get all her rocks off at once, I suppose. UTENA: *Akio*! [she tries to smack him and hits the chair instead] >In a much less than regal display, Saionji dives out of the way, >narrowly missing being set ablaze. SAIONJI : Oh, *thank* you, story, for not burning me to death. TOUGA : At least you have more grace and coordination than you did in "High Altitudes," Saionji. >On the other side of the room, Katie examines her slightly singed >palms. Hmm. That always seems more impressive when Lina does it... [the Satellite gives another wild lurch as the duelists are trying to stand up; they wind up clutching at the chairs and the screen and each other. As the lurching subsides, UTENA and SAIONJI are hanging on to each other in death grips, TOUGA is strung across three seats clinging to the armrests, and AKIO is plastered to the velvet curtains on one side of the screen. UTENA and SAIONJI look around, then at each other, and let out mutual yells of dismay, shoving loose and backing off; SAIONJI backs right into AKIO, breaking his grip on the curtains and causing him to fall into a heap, while UTENA trips and falls over TOUGA, who's not at all upset by this. After a few more minutes, the duelists finally get sorted out and back into their seats] UTENA: *Mikage*! Can we get *warnings* from now on?! MIKAGE'S VOICE: I'll work on it. Dammit, Mamiya, get the welding torch! We've got a couple of leaks! MAMIYA'S VOICE: Yes, Mikage-sama sir! >She looks up as Saionji slowly gets to his feet, staring first at the >hole then at Katie. There was a rather long pause. > >"How did you do that?" AKIO : I dipped my hands in gasoline, flipped a Zippo, and clapped. >"Oh, I have my ways." SAIONJI : --most of them listed in "The Anarchist's Cookbook." >Saionji regards her for a moment with a vaguely murderous expression, ALL : Die. Die. Die. >then turns and goes into the other room. After what seems like an >awful lot of time, Katie starts getting a little nervous. TOUGA : Funny, it sounds exactly like he's assembling an M-16 in there. I wonder if that's a bad thing? >She wonders if he was going to get a real sword, or worse, the >Student Council president. UTENA: Threatening people with Touga isn't a very effective means of discipline, as far as I know. What's he going to do? Smarm them to death? TOUGA: You wound me. UTENA: Not as much as I'd like to sometimes. >A couple more minutes pass and Saionji returns, dumps a kendo costume >in Katie's hands, SAIONJI: *What*?! She's shown that she can't do *anything* with a shinai! Why would I let her join the kendo club just because she blew a hole in the wall? A thug with a high-caliber handgun could do the same thing! UTENA: Wonder if this means you'd let Vash the Stampede join. MIKAGE'S VOICE: *Miss* Tenjou! Mind the Fourth Wall! It's been traumatized enough already! [pause] Even if "Trigun" *is* good. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Mikage-sama sir, you just made this gauge jump . . . MIKAGE'S VOICE: I'm glad you were watching. Now get back to work! >and without saying a word, leaves to find someone who can fix the >hole in his wall. AKIO: Hello, Maintenance? Yes, some crazy girl just blasted a hole in the wall. Using what? Um . . . just get down here and fix it. You wouldn't believe it if I told you. Hell, *I* don't believe it. >Katie dances about in joy. ALL : Yay. >After quite a while of snooping about the kendo room and inspecting >all those wicked cool weapons, SAIONJI: Oh, yes. Shinais . . . shinais . . . more shinais . . . shinais that need to be repaired . . . more shinais . . . yes, that's a "wicked cool" arsenal, all right. >Katie turns at the sound of the door opening. Saionji enters, alone. UTENA: Carrying a chainsaw, and wearing a hockey mask . . . >Katie waves. [ALL wave at the screen] >"Hi, Saionji-sama." Saionji doesn't answer - he simply backs Katie up >to the wall like he did before, his expression just as menacing. TOUGA: Then he cuts her into sashimi with his katana. He's good at that. SAIONJI: Look, that was *your* fault for jumping in the way . . . >Katie begins to fear for her life. ALL: *Good*! >"You are going to teach me that thing you did just then. And you are >going to teach it to me now." AKIO : Sure. Do you have a copy of "The Necronomicon"? I can show you the page number . . . >Katie sweatdrops. She can practically see the little wheels turning >in that deranged head of his SAIONJI: I am NOT *deranged*! UTENA: You *did* look like a freak toward the end of our second duel, as I recall . . . SAIONJI: I was angry! Everybody gets angry! It doesn't make me a rabid maniac . . . >as he envisions finishing off Utena once and for all. [SAIONJI smiles involuntarily] UTENA: I saw that. SAIONJI: Uh . . . saw what? UTENA: You know "what". >"Um... okay..." [As the last line scrolls up the screen, the fic pauses, the screen turning a neutral light gray] MIKAGE'S VOICE: All right. Everybody out! [After a startled pause, the duelists retreat from the theatre and reenter the bridge. Nobody else is in sight, and the other door is closed] UTENA: *Now* what? MIKAGE'S VOICE: We're going to make a few exchanges. SAIONJI: "Exchanges"? What are we, Christmas returns?! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Anybody in their right mind would take *you* back to the store, Saionji. Hold still! [There is a loud, unmistakable *ZAP*, a flash of light, and a puff of smoke. When it clears, MIKI, blinking, is standing where SAIONJI was a moment ago, while TOUGA has also vanished. UTENA looks at the new arrival and yelps] UTENA: Juri-sempai! [ARISUGAWA JURI is in her fencing gear, holding her face guard in one hand and her foil in the other, sweat dotting her face. She looks understandably startled] JURI: Where on earth am I? MIKI: Uh . . . nowhere, actually, sempai . . . AKIO : Hello there, Arisugawa-san. [JURI looks at him as if he just crept out from under a slimy rock. The smirk on AKIO's face slowly melts off under the force of JURI's stare] JURI: I want an explanation. *Now*. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Give her the short version quickly, please. We haven't all day. [UTENA hastily fills JURI in on the situation. The captain of the fencing team scowls faintly, then looks upward] JURI: If you're going to put me in here, at least give me some decent clothes. MIKAGE'S VOICE: What am I, your mommy? I don't have to dress you. JURI: I've been sweating in this for the last two hours. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Well, that's why this is *torture*, Arisugawa, not Club Med. JURI: I'm not going to ask again for fresh clothing, Souji. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Coming right up, Miss Juri! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Mamiya! What are you doing? Don't touch that! [There is another *ZAP* and flash of light. JURI is suddenly wearing her Seitokai uniform and looks fresh as a daisy] JURI: Thank you, Mamiya. I'll try not to hurt you when I'm taking Souji apart. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Really? Wow! Thanks, Miss Juri! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Shut *up*, Mamiya. Everybody back in the theatre! Now! Double time! UTENA: He gets so *cranky* when things aren't going his way. AKIO: He's always been like that. Ungrateful little git . . . [The duelists enter the theatre again. JURI sits to UTENA's left, while MIKI takes his regular seat on AKIO's right] JURI: He's been doing this to you for the entire time you've all been missing? UTENA: Right. JURI: It sounds like a strange way to torture someone. AKIO: You'd be surprised. I'd almost *rather* have flaming slivers of bamboo under my nails. MIKAGE'S VOICE: That could be arranged, Ohtori. Mamiya, start the fic again--and stop crying! Go put some ice on your eye, it'll be fine. >Jury MIKI: --is out. AKIO: Don't you mean "outed," Miki? JURI: How dare you? UTENA: I've got it covered, Juri-sempai. [she smacks AKIO] >Katie hangs over the side railing of the hallway that is situated >above the fencing arena, JURI: It's also called a "balcony," you know. >balancing precariously on her stomach. MIKI: That's not very safe . . . AKIO: *Good*. >"Go, Jury-san! JURI: *Don't* get too familiar. [the others flinch away from that icy tone] >Woohoo!" AKIO: Hoody-hoo! MIKAGE'S VOICE: No references to "Knights of the Dinner Table," thanks. >Katie waves her arm in the air, nearly falling to her death. ALL: Fall! Fall! Fall! UTENA: Where's Wakaba when you really need her to glomp someone? >Below her, Jury Arisugawa is deep into a fencing match with some >unknown student. AKIO: Hey, he's not unknown. He's Random Student #253. >Within minutes, Jury wins (was there ever any doubt?) JURI: No. MIKI: No. AKIO: No. UTENA: Not in these matches, no. [JURI glowers at UTENA] >and pulls off her fencing mask. JURI: How interesting. I did that just a couple of minutes ago. >"Hey, can I have a match?" Katie yells from atop the railing. Jury >looks up. AKIO : Well, all I have is a Zippo lighter. You could ask around, though. JURI: But you have to promise to immolate yourself once you have it. >"You'll have to get in line." MIKI: Line them up and knock them down. JURI: Hmm? MIKI: That's how it usually looks when you're holding practice. >"Aw, c'mon!" Katie dashes down the hall and appears moments later >appearing on the dueling floor. MIKI: She appeared twice? Is she twins? AKIO: No. Just a poor writer. MIKAGE'S VOICE: And you were doing so *well* avoiding the author flames. Too bad. [AKIO's seat becomes briefly charged with electricity and he yells] UTENA: That was richly deserved. >"I've been practicing with Saionji-san all morning JURI: Which means you've probably just learned how to hold a shinai and possibly do basic kendo. That's not going to help you in a *fencing* match. UTENA: Either that or she's been learning the fine points of how to express one's *true* feelings in writing, preferably in an exchange diary. >and I've only got a half an hour before I have to go to my real >classes." She had stopped calling him Saionji-sama after a few kendo >sessions, UTENA: Oh. I guess this takes place a few days after she pestered Saionji. Thanks for the information lapse, story. >thinking that it might remind him of Anthy. MIKI: What *doesn't* remind him of Miss Anthy? AKIO: Remember, "obsession" is not just a scent by Calvin Klein. >After all, she didn't need someone who was crazy and depressed >teaching her swordplay. JURI: Then she shouldn't be learning from Saionji. >Jury looks to be considering this. UTENA: Then she bursts out laughing . . . >She turned to the next person in line, who happened to be Miki. MIKI: Who saw *that* coming? JURI: There's no such thing as coincidences . . . [the others stare at her] JURI: . . . in these fics. [everybody relaxes a bit] >"Do you mind, Mickey?" AKIO : M-I-C! K-E-Y! M-O-- MIKI: Rijichou, please don't . . . AKIO: Sorry. >"No, ma'am." Poor Miki, he was always getting cut in line... MIKI: Always meaning *when*, exactly? >"I suppose it's all right, then." JURI: No, I don't. Get in line with everybody else. >"Yayee!" Katie grabs her katana from God-knows-where UTENA: I don't think God knows *anything* about this. At least, I hope not. AKIO: If I had to guess, I would say it's from where the sun doesn't shine . . . UTENA: You *would*. >and holds it in an attack position, all hot to show off her new-found >kendo talent. AKIO: *What* talent? MIKI: Talent is instinctive. *Skill* is something you learn. JURI: And as I said before, it will do no good whatsoever in a *fencing* match. >"Um... what was your name again?" Katie hands Jury her student ID and >resumes position. "Katie-sempai. UTENA : Yes, but you may call me Divine Superbeing of the Universe. AKIO: Or Empress of the Andromeda Galaxy. Have you met my guardians? They're Sailor Pulsar, Sailor Star Cluster, Sailor Black Hole, Sailor Meteor, and Sailor Supernova. MIKAGE'S VOICE: You found the site I discovered "High Altitudes" on, didn't you, Ohtori? AKIO: I'll never tell. >You're supposed to use a foil when fencing." MIKI: *No*, *really*? JURI: You've developed quite a sarcastic edge, Miki. MIKI: I've been here long enough to be embittered. >"Oh, yeah. Well, I can do that! Uh, d'you have one I could borrow?" AKIO: You could borrow Ruka's. *He* sure doesn't need it. But I'm sure that Shiori's kept it nice and polished, if you know what I mean. JURI: Akio . . . [UTENA smacks AKIO] >Jury begins to look a little ticked off AKIO: Not that you could tell that expression from her normal one. JURI: Hmph! UTENA [yanking on AKIO's ponytail]: Behave! AKIO: Ow! I *am* behaving. I just do it very badly. >and motions to one of the bystanders, who brings Katie a foil. UTENA : Now remember to make sure the oven's totally clean before you put this on the bottom. JURI: Very funny. >Katie puts her katana back in it's MIKI: Cut the apostrophe. It isn't necessary . . . MIKAGE'S VOICE: Fourth Wall breach ahead! Seatbelts, everyone! JURI: Seatbelts? In a theatre? UTENA: Just hold on . . . [they all buckle in] >mysterious interdimensional cabinet (heck, there's nowhere in those >dresses to keep anything) [the Satellite bounces up and down like a high-speed ping-pong ball] UTENA: N-*now* d-do y-you s-see t-the r-reason, J-Juri-sempai?! [JURI doesn't answer. She's busy holding on for dear life. After a moment or two, the Satellite levels out again.] JURI: I'd like to not do that again. MIKI [face quite pale]: I think I'm gonna-- [AKIO passes him a sick bag just in time. MIKI reviews his last meal] >and takes the foil, a bit surprised at how light it is. Someone hands >her a mask, she puts it on, and they begin. AKIO: Eight seconds later, Juri yells "Next!" JURI: I think you're overestimating the self-insertion. >After about five minutes of sparring, [ALL laugh] JURI: *Five minutes*? Am I supposed to be asleep during this match? MIKAGE'S VOICE: We've got another breach coming up! MIKI [paling]: No . . . not again . . . not so soon . . . UTENA [grabbing for the seatbelt]: At least he's warning us. >Jury is duly impressed that the new student from that other universe >where high school life is actually boring [the Satellite lurches like the camera on a bad "Star Trek" episode. Once it settles down and the duelists unbuckle the seatbelts, AKIO holds out another sick bag to MIKI, who waves it away feebly] MIKI: Nothing left . . . to lose . . . >hasn't either given up or lost. AKIO: Well, that's the most understated claim so far to the omnipotent powers of a self-insertion. Five minutes of not losing *or* giving up against an opponent whose actual duels don't even last *that* long. >Suddenly, Katie's concentration is completely shattered by a giant >mistake on her part: AKIO: She wrote this fic. >she looks out the window and and sees Touga riding by the building in >a red convertable MIKI: "Convertible." Yes, the spelling can be deceiving . . . >with a really pretty white-haired guy. UTENA: Looky, looky, Akio. It's you. AKIO: I'm not sure if I should be offended by being called "pretty." >In the backseat is Saionji. JURI: I have a bad feeling about this. >"Eep." If the overdose of incredably MIKI: Is the "i" key broken? "Incredibly" is the correct spelling! >good-looking guys doesn't doesn't take her mind of fencing, AKIO: Does it, or doesn't it? JURI: Her mind of fencing? What? MIKI [head in hands]: Repeated "doesn't." Her mind is taken "off" fencing. UTENA: Hang in there, Miki-kun. >the thought of what they might be doing does. UTENA: *I* don't want to think about it. Thanks. AKIO: Jealous? UTENA: Quiet. MIKI: Must be the true sign of a fangirl writer. The only thing that balks her amazing ability to hold her own against Juri-sempai in a fencing match is the impromptu parade of the best-looking men on campus. JURI: Most girls *would* short circuit at seeing Akio, Touga, and Saionji going by all at once, especially in that car. AKIO: Why, thank you. JURI: Hmph. >Jury knocks the foil out of her hand within seconds. JURI: *Finally*. That should have happened, oh, five minutes and thirty seconds ago . . . >"I win." AKIO: Gloating's not very attractive, you know. JURI: Next. >"Shoot." AKIO: If you insist. Where did I leave the sawed-off? MIKI : BANG! UTENA : Oh, you got me! . . . But it's okay! I *meant* to lose . . . >They take their masks off. Jury nods at the other girl. > >"You're pretty good." JURI: --for a complete fool. >"Thanks..." Katie glares out the window. Why do all the guys here >have to be so darned HOT? AKIO: It's in our contract. Souji didn't sign one, though. MIKAGE'S VOICE: I *heard* that, Ohtori! Whose idea was it to make me look like a male version of Utena anyway? MYSTERY VOICE: Chiho Saito, you cute little grouch. MIKAGE'S VOICE: You again?!--Hey, back off. MYSTERY VOICE: Who else? Gimme some sugar, baby. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Mamiya! Get it off me! Get it off me! MAMIYA'S VOICE: With what, Mikage-sama sir? MIKAGE'S VOICE: A baseball bat! A tire iron! I don't care! Just get it away from me! MYSTERY VOICE: Ooooh, yeah, let's play rough! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Help! *Help*! [The PA audibly snaps off. There's silence] AKIO: I think I'm jealous. UTENA: Uh . . . let's get back to the fic. [MIKI and JURI make hasty noises of agreement] >Jury seems to notice that look, and regards her questioningly. UTENA : Are you dropping acid, Katie? >"What?" > >"Oh, it's nothing... I was just a little distracted by three >bishounen MIKI: I think that Saionji-sempai, at least, would object to being called a "pretty" or "beautiful" boy. >driving by in... a... red... convertable..." She shudders slightly. >Jury begins to look slightly shocked. JURI: Why am I surprised? Did I think she was colorblind and couldn't see that the car was red or something? >"Wait, wait, wait a minute... aren't you... um..." > >Katie looks at her innocently. "Aren't I what?" UTENA : A shameless self-insertion? MIKI : Well . . . yeah, I am, you caught me. AKIO: I'd throw her back. >"Well, you didn't... *ahem* ... with Touga, so he assumed..." JURI: Lots of people haven't *ahem* with Touga. It's not a big surprise. What I'd like to know is why this author thinks that I would automatically assume that anyone that didn't get bagged by Touga first thing *has* to be a lesbian? If anything, I would assume that the girl's got some brains and leave it at that. UTENA : Thanks! JURI: I've always wondered about *you*, though. Between the outfit and Himemiya . . . UTENA : Thanks. >Katie sighs, once again reminded of the evil worked by everyone's >favorite red-haired pretty boy, UTENA: Not *everyone's* favorite, I can guarantee that. [scowl] JURI: Still in denial? >who, surprisingly, has been proven to be much less evil than some >people *coughAkiocough*. AKIO: *Excuse* me?! I'm not *evil*! UTENA: Everybody knows you're evil. AKIO: Not *everybody*! Shhh! >"Just because I didn't *ahem* with Touga, that doesn't mean... No, >I'm straight. Not that I have anything against people who aren't, but >personally, I don't go for that. [pause. Everybody looks at JURI, then elects to remain silent] >Geez, he really is full of himself..." That last part was muttered >under her breath. [AKIO opens his mouth, no doubt to say something shocking, but UTENA claps a hand over his mouth] >Jury shruggs. "Well, whatever. AKIO [getting away from UTENA's silencing hand]: Nice save, Juri. JURI : Did you *say* something, Akio? AKIO: . . . no, never mind. >Next!" UTENA: It's about time she said that . . . >Miki steps up and Katie flies out the door, MIKI: --on her broomstick. UTENA: Ouch. >suddenly realizing that she has about two minutes to get all the way >to the other side of the school. [ALL laugh unsympathetically] JURI: *Poor* little girl, she'll be exhausted by then. I hope the teacher she has absolutely *won't* let up on her. [UTENA gives her a slightly weird look and edges over a bit in her seat] >Akio JURI: Well, now. AKIO: What? No! Leave me out of this! UTENA: That's what *we* said, too. >Katie stands at a pair of prettily painted doors, staring at the rose >pattern. JURI: Which narrows the field down to several thousand, as far as finding out which doors she's in front of. AKIO: It's a nice motif, all right? >She manuevers MIKI: "Maneuvers." Close, but not quite. AKIO: I'd love to see her in a few maneuvers . . . UTENA: As long as they're military ones and *she's* the target. >the cardboard box she is holding into the other hand and rings the >doorbell. After a moment or two, the door opens, revealing a rather >tall man UTENA: Which describes at least three males *I* know . . . >with pale hair. UTENA: That nails it down. >"May I help you?" JURI : You can just call me Dr. Kevorkian, or "Kev" for short. MIKI: Dark. JURI: I know. UTENA : Here, that uniform looks uncomfortable. How about we go inside and take it off . . . AKIO: I have better taste than that!--Hey, *you* made the dirty comment this time! UTENA [smirking]: Just wanted to throw you off-balance. >Katie is dumbfounded for a few seconds at the absolute beauty of this >man, AKIO [grinning]: Maybe she's not so bad after all. >yet gets some pretty scary vibes from his general direction. UTENA [smirking as AKIO frowns]: I think you're right. >She recovers herself before things get too awkward. JURI: As if there haven't been long, ominous silences before. >"Um, yes. Is Anthy home?" MIKI: Why would she be? Unless the author's jumping forward again without telling us . . . JURI: Unsurprising. >He stares at her blankly for a moment. "Anthy?" UTENA: Sure, feign innocence. You're good at that. AKIO: Hmph. >"Yeah. Um, aren't you her brother?" UTENA : That depends on your definition of "brother." >Akio chuckled. MIKI [grabbing for the arms of his seat]: She just changed tenses! She went from present tense to past tense! That's wrong! UTENA: Miki-kun, calm down . . . >"Yes, of course. I was simply surprised. I guess I was unaware of >how many friends Anthy has." JURI: As if you don't monitor and dictate her every move. AKIO: What is this, "pick on Akio day" or something? >"Well, I live at the dorm where she and Utena used to live. A couple >of days after they moved here, MIKI: She *did* jump forward in time without making a note about it. >I found some stuff in a closet that Anthy had forgotten." UTENA: Just don't tell me that you brought the octopus over. >She holds up the box as evidence. JURI: Exhibit A-12, a box of "stuff." MIKI: Objection! UTENA: This whole fic is objectionable. Sustained. >"Ah, yes. Come right in." AKIO: They usually do. [UTENA smacks him] >He holds the door open for her and calls into the tower. "Anthy, you >have a visitor!" Anthy emerges from one of the rooms, looking serene >as always. AKIO: Serene? Try "blank." She's very good at it. UTENA: Akio! >"Good evening, Katie-sempai." > >"Hi, Anthy. You left some stuff back at the dorm," Katie says, >handing over the box. Anthy picks through it. UTENA: I hope she put on gloves first. MIKI: Having seen your room . . . I hope so too. >"It's a good thing I didn't leave any of my friends there! They would >have been so lonely!" she adds, smiling. JURI: I suppose that means the octopus *isn't* in the box. AKIO: I wonder if Anthy asks her friends every Saturday if they were lonely the week before . . . [everybody scoots away from AKIO] >Katie nods, glad that she hadn't find any mongeese or snails. MIKI: Hadn't *found* any, you mean. >Akio has been watching the entire proceedings. "Anthy, I thought you >said that you and Utena were the only ones living in your dorm." AKIO: Why would I ask that? I'd already know. UTENA: How? AKIO: Because I live in a tower with a perfect view of the whole campus and I have a good telescope, that's how. And I do the room assignments, too, so I know where everybody should be. UTENA: And you look through bathroom windows, too, *don't you*. AKIO: Uh--what makes you ask that? Uh . . . >Anthy turns to him and smiles again, closing her eyes. MIKI: Now the author's trying to do a literal transcription of the way Miss Anthy smiles. Oh, boy. >"Yes, oniisama. Katie-sempai only moved into our dorm a few days >before we came to live with you." > >"So, you're living at the dorm alone now, Katie-san?" JURI: So she's "Katie-san" now, hmm, Akio? AKIO: I'm going to pretend I'm not here. UTENA: Good luck. >"Yep." > >Akio looks thoughtful. "We'll have to do something about that." AKIO: Just keep her far away from me. >"Thanks. That would be great... it gets pretty creepy there at >night." > >"I can imagine." Akio glances toward an open door on the other side >of the room. JURI: Planning an escape route, probably. AKIO: You've got it. >"Would you like to come into the observatory? We may be able to see >the Morning Star sometime around now." MIKI: It's evening. UTENA: Nod and smile, Miki. >"Sure." Katie had always wanted a telescope, and she had heard that >the deputy trustee chairman had an extremely impressive one. AKIO [with great relish]: Oh, you *bet* I do! UTENA: She *had* to do that on purpose . . . she just *had* to . . . [absently smacks AKIO] >Anthy smiled again. > >"Arigato, Katie-sempai." > >"No prob." As soon as Anthy returns to the room she had come from, >Akio puts a hand on Katie's back and leads her into the observatory. >Katie is surprised at what a large room it is, and even more so at >the size of the telescope. "Wow, it's giant!" AKIO: You haven't seen anything yet . . . UTENA [smacking him again]: This section is just going to be loaded with opportunities for you to be a pervert, isn't it? AKIO: I sure hope so! >"Yes. This telescope is one of my favorite possessions." AKIO: Another of my favorite possessions is-- [UTENA threatens him with an upraised hand] AKIO: --my car. The *car*. Okay? UTENA : Okay. >He takes her hand and helps her up into the seat, then settles next >to her. "Look into this part here. JURI: Secretly, Akio has just put soot on the eyepiece. Let's see if Katie notices before the practical joke hits home. >Do you see the bright star, right at the bottom?" > >"Yes." UTENA : Along with about a zillion other bright stars. MIKI: No, no, Utena-kun. There's not a *zillion* of them. UTENA: Huh? MIKI : There are BIILLyuns and BIILLyuns of them. [UTENA laughs] >"That is the Morning Star." AKIO: Or else it's a spot on the lens, I'm not sure yet. >"But it's really Venus, isn't it?" Katie asks, taking her eye away >from the telescope. JURI: I guess she *didn't* notice the soot. >"Yes, that is true. My name is derived from the name of that star. >The Bringer of Light." UTENA: Boy. That wasn't *too* obvious, was it? AKIO: Don't blame *me*. >Ehh... Lucifer... MIKI: Oh, so now the self-insertion has had a *classical* education. [AKIO, smirking, hums "Running With the Devil"] >Katie almost falls out of the chair. Akio catches her by the >shoulders and pulls her back into place. AKIO: Then dislocates both her arms. UTENA: What? Not going to put the moves on her? AKIO: Not the ones *you're* thinking of. I'm contemplating a German suplex, though. >"Loose your ballance?" JURI: . . . sounds almost like someone commenting on an oversized athletic supporter. MIKI: Rrrgh . . . "lose your balance" . . . AKIO: That's better than losing your balls, I'd say. [UTENA smacks him] >"Uhh... yeah..." No wonder I had bad vibes. "Well, I really have to >be going. It was very nice of you to show me your telescope, Akio- >sempai." UTENA: Oh, as if *that* wasn't a loaded statement. AKIO: I'd make a comment, but I'm getting tired of being hit. UTENA: About time. >She slides down from the chair and heads toward the door. > >Behind her, Akio is smiling. "It was no trouble." JURI: At least you got rid of her quickly. AKIO: Be still, my beating heart. >Wakaba UTENA: Oh, no. JURI: Do you think you'll challenge the author to a duel for mauling your friend's character? UTENA: No, I'll hire a hit man instead. >Katie hauls her computer and all her other junk (as well as her cat) >into her new dorm. MIKI: With whose help? Does she have arms like a gorilla now? JURI: No wonder she was always complaining about the puffy sleeves. >The day after she had met Akio, she had been transferred to this new >room. UTENA: Probably so that he could get a better look through her bathroom window. AKIO: Hey! >She sets her stuff down and opens the door. It was a single, which >suited her just fine. The door to the left of her opens a younger >girl with a brown curly ponytail emerges. MIKI [turning an alarming shade of mauve]: She did it again! She changed tenses from one sentence to the next! [he clutches the armrests] And she left out a conjunction! "The door to the left of her opens AND a younger--" UTENA: Miki-kun! Miki! Calm down! Breathe! MIKI [almost sobbing]: Why? Why me? >"Hiya! Are you new to our dorm?" > >Katie looks up. "Yeah." > >Wakaba smiles cheerfully and then seems to remember something. JURI : Oh, you're the self-insertion. Eeew. Leper. Get away! >"Hey, aren't you that girl who used to live with Utena and Anthy?" UTENA: It was a dorm assignment. Don't make it sound like we were all shacked up together or something . . . AKIO: Well, that would have made for some interesting viewing . . . UTENA: Ecchi! AKIO: I'm so glad you noticed. >Katie nods. "I got moved here when Anthy's brother found out that I >was alone in the dorm after Anthy and Utena moved to his house." AKIO: More like *quarters*, not "house." MIKI: I still want to know why it's a big deal that she was in the East Dorm alone. You'd think Akio would have wanted to move her in with him, Utena, and Anthy so that he didn't deprive his sister of her friends. JURI: Well, he did say he wanted to turn the Dean's quarters into a harem. AKIO: I have better taste than that. JURI: So explain Nanami. AKIO: . . . >"Ooh, you saw the chairman?" Wakaba shrilled, clasping her hands. >"He's so dreamy! Don't you think he's dreamy?" MIKI: No. JURI: No. UTENA: . . . No. AKIO: You hesitated! I heard you hesitate! Just admit that you're drawn to me, Utena! UTENA: Not bloody likely, Akio. Be quiet. >"Um. Yup." MIKI : Yeah. He's nifty. Wow. >Wakaba pretty much ignores the implication in Katie's voice JURI: That implication being "Silence, peon" most likely . . . >and keeps on talking. "Wow, it's so cool that you used to live with >Utena! Isn't she the greatest? She's my super bestest friend!" UTENA: Wakaba was actually in character until that last sentence. Even Wakaba doesn't use the non-word "bestest" in conversation. >Katie smiles. "Yeah, she used to talk about you a lot. She said you >were really nice. Anthy liked you, too." AKIO: Insofar as Anthy likes *anyone*. MIKI: What? What do you mean by that? UTENA: Ignore him, Miki-kun. >Wakaba beamed. "They're the greatest! Anthy's a little weird, >though... AKIO: If I had a nickel for every time someone said that . . . >So, what's your name, anyway?" > >"I'm Katie." She bowed. > >"Hi, Katie! I'm Wakaba!" Wakaba bowed as well. JURI: Better than Wakaba jumping on her back and dislocating a couple of vertebrae. >"It's nice to meet you! Oh, d'you want some help bringing your stuff >into your room?" UTENA : No, my body servants will be along shortly to handle my belongings. Don't touch anything or it shall have to be disinfected. >"Sure." > >After they finish dragging Katie's things into her new bedroom, >Wakaba leads Katie out into the hall. "Can I show you around?" MIKI: Why? It's a dorm. It looks a lot like any other dorm, including the East Dorm where she was living before. >"That would be great!" JURI : Whoopee. >The two girls start off down the hall. "This is my room, AKIO : I'm hiding Saionji in there, but *shh*, don't tell anybody . . . >and down here is where Ritsuki and Fuu live, UTENA: Hikari and Umi are across the hall, and Presea's got a single next to them . . . >and I dunno who lives there..." MIKI: Then you're not much of a guide, are you? >Wakaba continues her commentary until they come to the stairs. She is >about to open the door when she is almost hit in the face by it. AKIO: Too bad Katie wasn't the one leading the way. >"Oops! Sorry, Wakaba... Oh, Katie-sempai, you're living here too?" >Utena shuts the door behind her. JURI : No, I'm just standing here for fun. >"Utena-sama!" Wakaba vaults the entire five feet between them MIKI: That wouldn't win much in a long-jump competition. >and clamps onto her friend. Katie watches in amazement. > >"Wow, can you teach me how to do that?" AKIO : Sure. Stand still. Does your insurance cover emergency chiropractic visits? >"Sure!" Wakaba replies cheerfully, still holding Utena in a death- >hug. UTENA: I think I'm having flashbacks. MIKI: At least you haven't collapsed, like the time when you and Miss Anthy had that curry and-- UTENA: Don't remind me. >"First, you find the object of your affection and then you just grab >'em! JURI: Words to live by. MIKI: She's not much of a step-by-step instructor, is she? AKIO: If that's true, Juri, then why didn't you ever do that to-- [he gets one look at the expression JURI's turned on him and elects to shut up] >It helps to wrap your legs around them as well... and it's even >better if they're near an open window! This works both as a show of >affection and as an attack." AKIO: I hope you're paying attention, Utena. UTENA: I refuse to believe that she's actually trying to kill me every time she does that. >"I'll have to try it sometime." MIKI: I'm afraid to find out who she plans to use that technique on. UTENA: Me too. AKIO: Hey . . . the fic's over? JURI: Not much of an ending. UTENA: Let's just get out of here. [they exit the theatre] [Duelist's door sequence . . . in reverse!] [1. You hand the Sword of Dios back to the Rose Bride and tell her you had a wonderful time.] [2. You suddenly remember your opponent. Thinking quickly, you point past him and shout "Look! It's Dios!" When he turns to look, you yank the rose off his chest.] [3. The acrophobia doesn't bother you this time, because you're busy reeling around deafened by the bells tolling your victory.] [4. Stopping at the basket, you snip your hasty stitches and return the decorations before getting back into the elevator to descend.] [5. The elevator stops--nearer the bottom this time--and you stroll down the remaining stairs.] [6. You try to reclose the gate properly, but the rippling water in the reservoir suddenly reminds you of all the soda you had before the fic, and you make a hasty exit to run for the lavatory.] [SoR bridge. The door leading into the rest of the Satellite is still closed and apparently locked. However, TOUGA and SAIONJI are present, looking bored, at least until the others enter] TOUGA: How was the rest of it? UTENA: How do you *think* it was? SAIONJI: It's about time you finished with that thing. We've been sitting here with nothing to do . . . AKIO: My heart bleeds for you. JURI: I can see why you aren't enjoying your little vacation up here. AKIO: You should have seen the other two fics he sent us. [the button on the console starts flashing] MIKI: London calling . . . [he pushes the button and the Viewscreen lights up] [Observatory. MIKAGE's clothes are rumpled and disarrayed, his glasses are askew, and there are suspicious pink smudges on his face. MAMIYA is dabbing at him with a tissue and being nudged away every few seconds] MIKAGE: So . . . your thoughts? [SoR. The duelists are gathered around the Viewscreen curiously] UTENA: How did you get away from . . . whoever it was? The one that was doing . . . whatever they were doing to you? [Observatory] MIKAGE [scowling and folding his arms]: I am not discussing that with you, Tenjou. Just get *on* with it. [SoR] UTENA: Well . . . it was like any other self-insertion, except that the author didn't make her avatar totally perfect. No remarks on her great fashion sense or sex appeal or whatever. SAIONJI: The "Dragon Slave" incident was ridiculous. Just because you *can* write yourself into a story with amazing powers doesn't mean that you *should*. AKIO: I didn't expect *you* to say something that intelligent, Saionji. [turning back to the screen and ignoring SAIONJI's murderous stare] As usual, the characterizations were erratic. Some were fairly accurate, some were completely off, and others were too short and two-dimensional to really tell. TOUGA: I'm just glad she didn't try to write herself into an intimate relationship with anybody. That was nice of her. MIKI: Some spelling and grammar errors, but for the most part, it was tolerable. The ending just kind of trickled off, though. [long pause] [Observatory. MIKAGE's face is about half-clean now, and he's in the process of nudging MAMIYA away again] MIKAGE: Nothing to say, Miss Arisugawa? [SoR] JURI: Get me off this satellite. Do it *now*. I have no remarks on the fic, other than the obvious. AKIO: What's the obvious, to you? JURI: It needs burning. Souji, you have five seconds. [Observatory] MIKAGE [faintly nervous laugh]: Of course. I wasn't planning to leave you and Saionji up there. *Someone* has to run the Student Council, after all. Just keep in mind that you can't get anywhere *near* me, and nobody will believe you if you try to tell them what happened . . . [MAMIYA scoots over to a panel and presses a button. There's a now- familiar *ZAP*, flash of light, and puff of smoke. The screen on the panel shows the Seitokai's balcony, where JURI and SAIONJI have just reappeared] [SoR] TOUGA: The way you made that comment about the Student Council . . . [Observatory] MIKAGE: Hmm? Oh, yes. Little Miss Nanami has disappeared somehow. Heaven knows where she is or what she's doing. Mamiya, press the button, please. [SoR. The duelists all glance at each other suddenly] UTENA: You don't think . . .? AKIO: Miki, did you get the external cameras working? MIKI: Yes . . . TOUGA: Do we have one that can focus on Florida? [the duelists start scrambling around the bridge] [Observatory] MIKAGE [looking around]: Mamiya! What are you doing? MAMIYA'S VOICE: Getting the ironing board. Your clothes are all rumpled, Mikage-sama sir! MIKAGE: Don't bother with that. I *said*, press the button. MAMIYA [coming into view wearing a little ruffled apron and holding an iron]: But . . . MIKAGE: Just do as you're told, Mamiya. MAMIYA: Well . . . all right, Mikage-sama sir. [SoR] MIKI: I found it! [the duelists crowd around a little screen that has a slightly blurry view of Earth. The vague outline of North America shows through the clouds. There is a bright dot of silver rising up from it] TOUGA: She didn't . . . *did* she? UTENA: Now *that's* devotion. [Observatory] MAMIYA: I've got it, Mikage-sama sir! [he presses the button. Just as the view fades out, it shifts back to the SoR's tiny screen. A very faint voice can be heard . . .] NANAMI'S VOICE: Big brother, I'll save you! . . . *PWOOSH*! Disclaimers and Legalese (in case you missed them the first time around) Original story written by: Katie R MSTing written by: Chris Rain Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and any other companies or individuals holding legal claim to them. I have used them here without permission, but hopefully I will not be viciously sued, as I will not be able to buy any more cool merchandise if I'm broke. ^_^ Comments may be sent to: rainclash@yahoo.com You can send negative comments, too, but I prefer more civilized discourse as befits mature adults in this society. Nyaaaaah!! Visit the Utena Encyclopedia! Translated scripts, song lyrics, images, episode synopses, character profiles, links, and more! http://www.duellists.tj Visit Project Rose Signet! Fanfiction, character information, great links, and more--even a fantastic Utena music video! http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/prs/index.html Visit End of the Innocence! HUGE archive of information, images, synopses, and manga translations for "Adolescence Mokushiroku," the Utena movie released in August 1999! http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/index2html Visit Themes of the Revolution! Archive of mp3 sound files from the Utena original soundtracks! http://www.duellists.tj/~anshi/ >Dragon Slave!" >A beam of light and fire explodes from her hands and flares across >the room, blasting a hole in the far wall.