REVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 Episode 101: "High Altitudes" Written by: Callie Summers MSTed by: Chris Rain (rainclash@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a story written by Callie Summers. No insult, injury, infringement, or painful debilitating illness is intended by this MSTing. I do this because (a) it's fun and (b) I have lots of time and imagination on my hands. MST3K is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and possibly a partridge in a pear tree, though the latter is dicey to prove under law. ^_^ Reading this MST can be greatly helped by having at least a passing familiarity with the series; if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. (Shameless plug requirements met. Onward!) [Ohtori Academy; the balcony where the Student Council (Seitokai) meets. TOUGA KIRYUU, the dashing, red-haired Student Council President (Seitokaichou) and the most eligible bishounen on campus, stands near the doorway that leads into the building; his usual I've- got-a-secret-and-did-you-notice-I'm-sexy? smirk is firmly in place. MIKI KAORU, a slender--almost elfin--blue-haired young man stands near the Seitokaichou, fidgeting nervously with a stopwatch. UTENA TENJOU, current Victor of the Duel, steps out onto the balcony; right next to her, as always, is ANTHY HIMEMIYA, the Bride of the Rose. Perched on ANTHY's shoulder, nibbling a cracker, is CHU CHU, the monkey/mouse/ animal sidekick/comic relief] UTENA: Oh! Hello, Miki-kun. [she smiles at the young man before giving TOUGA a sharp look] This had better not be another try at getting me to go on a date with you. TOUGA: Of course not. [he holds up a folded piece of paper; a lozenge of red sealing wax is broken along the seam] I assume you also got a letter from "End of the World"? UTENA: Well . . . yes. [she reaches into the pocket of her school uniform and pulls out a similar letter] What's all this about? TOUGA: I don't know. [charming smile] MIKI: Neither do I, Utena-kun. Hello, Miss Anthy . . . ANTHY: Hello, Miki . . . CHU CHU: Chuchu! [the four are silent for a moment, UTENA looking uncomfortable, MIKI slightly befuddled, TOUGA retaining his cool composure, and ANTHY's expression remaining as bland and unreadable as ever. CHU CHU keeps nibbling his cracker. The awkward pause is broken by another arrival; tall, striking, and smirking, AKIO OHTORI, the Acting Dean of Students (Rijichou), strides out onto the balcony. AKIO, like TOUGA, has an air of "I'm too sexy for my shirt (and pants and everything else, so why don't you help me take it all off?)," though his has a darker allure to it in contrast to the Seitokaichou's more carefree attitude] AKIO: What an interesting little party we have here. Hello, Kaoru-kun, Kiryuu-san . . . Utena . . . [he attempts to kiss UTENA's hand, but she firmly pulls it away, ignoring his frown] ANTHY : Hello, oniisama. AKIO: Hm. Hello, Anthy. So what *is* going on? CHU CHU: Chuu . . . [long pause] UTENA: Didn't you send us these letters? [holding hers up] AKIO: No . . . no, I didn't. [he frowns again] Let me see those. [the others hand their letters to him; AKIO reads them over, his frown deepening] AKIO: The same message on them all--"Meet on the balcony after classes. End of the World." But I certainly didn't write these. TOUGA: How . . . unusual. MIKI: If you didn't write them, who *did*? And why? UTENA: Well, I want to get to the bottom of this! Come on, Anthy-- let's go. CHU CHU: Chu! UTENA: You too, of course, Chu Chu. AKIO: Hrrm. I think you and I ought to make our own inquiries, Kiryuu. TOUGA: I agree, Rijichou . . . [he gives UTENA a come-hither look, but she doesn't go thither] MIKI: I'll go with you, Utena-kun. Let's take the elevator down-- it's faster. [MIKI, UTENA, ANTHY, and CHU CHU--still on ANTHY's shoulder--all get into the elevator; AKIO and TOUGA step in after them. Faint organ music plays as the elevator starts moving] AKIO: So, Utena . . . UTENA: Miki! Going to come over to the east dorm tonight and help us with our math homework? MIKI: Er . . . of course, Utena-kun. I'd be glad to. [he swallows hard at the dark look he gets from AKIO] CHU CHU [tugging at ANTHY's ear]: Chuu . . . ANTHY: Yes, Chu Chu? CHU CHU: *Chuu*! [pointing around them frantically] UTENA: See, Miki, I'm having trouble on this chapter again-- ANTHY: Miss Utena? . . . UTENA: Mm? ANTHY: The elevator's going the wrong way, Miss Utena. [everyone looks around, startled; the elevator is indeed going upward instead of down. TOUGA presses the "stop" button, but nothing happens] UTENA: I don't like this . . . MIKI: M-me neither. [the elevator stops at the roof; the doors open. The duelists and the Rose Bride step out, looking around; there's a breathtaking view of the campus from up here] AKIO [scowling]: When I find who's responsible for this, I'll-- MIKAGE: You'll what, Ohtori? [MIKAGE SOUJI, his foxlike face set in a creepy grin, steps out from behind the elevator's rooftop housing; MAMIYA CHIDA, who looks uncannily like AKIO or ANTHY, steps out beside him, smiling in a somewhat vacuous fashion] UTENA: *You*! [she pushes ANTHY protectively behind her] CHU CHU: *Chuu*! AKIO: How did you-- MIKAGE: Now, now, Rijichou, no time for questions. You see, I've managed to hack into the systems that control the projector in your planetarium. [he and MAMIYA step quickly into the elevator] You'll be surprised to see where you are in a moment, I'm sure. Have a nice trip! [the elevator doors close; at the same time, the projected image of the panorama view fades. The five people and one monkey/mouse/critter suddenly find themselves standing in a space capsule . . . and the door's shut, having closed with the elevator doors. The capsule begins to shake as the engines fire up] AKIO [rushing over to the viewport in the capsule door]: *Souji*! You can't do this! MIKAGE [waving jauntily from the elevator as it begins to descend from the launch zone]: You'd be surprised what I can do, Ohtori! [the capsule blasts off, plastering the duelists and Bride (and cute critter) against the rear bulkhead with the g-force. An unspecified time thereafter, the capsule docks with a large satellite of disturbingly familiar form. A hatch opens from the capsule directly onto the bridge . . . which does look just like the Satellite of Love's bridge] UTENA [staggering out of the hatch]: Wh-where *are* we? [she reaches back to help ANTHY out] ANTHY: Oh, dear . . . CHU CHU [clutching his head in his little paws]: Chu . . . AKIO [groaning as he peels himself off the bulkhead]: Souji . . . gonna *kill* Souji . . . make *sure* he's thoroughly dead . . . TOUGA [also groaning and unsteady]: I would like to *not* take that ride again, if possible. MIKI [muffled]: Owww . . . [the Viewscreen activates, revealing MIKAGE's smirking face and the Observatory behind him] MIKAGE: Welcome to the Satellite of Revolution. Ahh, everyone made it in one piece. How fortunate. Ah, what's up with Kaoru? [SoR] UTENA: He was stuck under all of us. [she climbs back into the capsule to scrape MIKI off the bulkhead] AKIO: Souji . . . [Observatory] MIKAGE: Ah, ah, Ohtori. Not another word. You'll only make it harder on yourself. *Mamiya*! MAMIYA [jumping up quickly from the couch]: Yes, Mikage-sama sir? MIKAGE: Is the fic-sender ready? MAMIYA: Yes, Mikage-sama sir! [SoR] TOUGA: The . . . fic-sender? [UTENA drags MIKI's semi-conscious body out of the capsule and puts him down on the floor near the console; CHU CHU jumps off ANTHY's shoulder and begins patting MIKI's cheeks in an attempt to help him regain full consciousness] [Observatory] MIKAGE: Oh, yes. You see, I'm going to repay each and every one of you for making me suffer . . . and what better way than to make *you* suffer? You're going to have to read whatever I send you, and it's going to *hurt*, boys and girls! [SoR] MIKI [coming around]: B-but what did *we* do to *you*? [Observatory] MIKAGE: Where to start? How about with the dear Dean, Akio Ohtori? The man who tried to make me believe that everything I knew was a lie? [SoR] AKIO: It *was*. It is, actually. You're a figment of my imagination. [Observatory] MIKAGE: Don't interrupt me when I'm detailing my maniacal plot, thank you. Then, of course, there's Tenjou, who kept me from achieving my goals--and Himemiya herself, for just *being*. And *you*, Kiryuu, because your "chivalry" gives me a rash. And *you*, Kaoru, for interfering and being so . . . *nice*. And *you*, you little monkey . . . mouse . . . whatever the hell you are, Chu Chu . . . just . . . just *because*! Because you're there! [SoR] CHU CHU: Chuu! [makes a gesture at the screen that loses very little of its meaning despite being made by a small cute creature] [Observatory] MIKAGE: Mamiya! MAMIYA [dropping a magazine]: Yes sir! MIKAGE: Send them the fic! MAMIYA [pulling a lever]: Sent! MIKAGE: Now, run along into that theatre, or else you'll die in agony as I bleed the air out of the satellite!--oh, and don't flame the author of the fic directly, don't even bother trying to get out of the theatre before *I* decide to let you out or at the end of the fic, be mindful of the Fourth Wall, don't stick gum under the seats, and please deposit all trash in the provided receptacles. Thank you. [SoR. All the klaxons, flashing lights, and mild pandemonium one could expect is taking place. The duelists mill around and finally bolt down the passageway to the theatre] ANTHY [sitting sedately at the console]: I wonder if I'm supposed to go along? CHU CHU: Chuu? [Observatory] MIKAGE [banging his fist down on the console]: Curse you, Anthy Himemiya . . . [Duelist's door sequence!] [6. It's the gate to the Arena. You try to open it, but you haven't got a Rose Seal ring. Finally, you pick the lock with a credit card and walk through.] [5. It's the spiral staircase from hell. You make it about halfway up before realizing there's an elevator and climbing in.] [4. The elevator stops about ten feet from the top. You walk halfway up the rest of the stairs, realize that you aren't getting a fancier outfit, and pause at the convenient basket placed on the stairs to sew on the decorations yourself.] [3. The archway at the top of the staircase. You accidentally glance over the side, suffer a violent attack of acrophobia, and cling to the side of the archway, whimpering for your mommy.] [2. You wait for the Rose Bride to place the rose on your chest, but first you have to help her pull the thorns off. Ow! Ow! Ow! [1. The Rose Bride does her spiel and falls back over your arm; you draw the Sword of Dios from her chest and use it to hack down the final door into the theatre.] [the duelists take their seats--from left to right: TOUGA, UTENA, AKIO, and MIKI] UTENA: I hope Anthy will be all right out there. TOUGA: How much trouble could she get into? We're stuck on a satellite in high orbit. AKIO: You would be surprised. >High Altitudes AKIO [pantomiming taking a toke, then letting out the breath in a satisfied sigh]: The only place to be. UTENA: I didn't know you were into that! AKIO: I'm into *everything*, darling. But something tells me that this fic might've been written under the influence of *something*. TOUGA: I suspect that "something" is ego. UTENA: You're one to talk. >Well, here's my pathetic attempt at comedy. MIKI [sighing]: This is going to hurt. Even the author admits it's pathetic. AKIO: At least there's some truth in advertising around here. >So far I've liked my writing, TOUGA: Would you care to bet that you're the only one who likes it? MIKAGE'S VOICE: You know the rules. No author flames! [pause] Well, not a *lot*, anyway. >and it's made a lot of people crack up... [AKIO mimics the sound of breaking glass] TOUGA: Ah, my aching *mind*! The torture! The agony! UTENA: Touga, we haven't even started the fic yet. TOUGA: I know. I'm just practicing. >anyways, back on topic. MIKI: But . . . we *were* on topic. We were discussing her pathetic attempt at comedy that she likes, and it makes people crack up, and, and . . . AKIO: Kaoru-kun, just don't think about it. It'll be safer that way. For a *little* while, at least. >My first attempt at an Utena fic, here's the first of seven chapters >of High Altitudes. [ALL groan] UTENA: *Seven*?! AKIO: A dose of ego for each day of the week, in convenient, easy-to-swallow packages. MIKI: Somehow, I don't think *any* of this will be easy to swallow, Rijichou. >Read it and you'll understand... sort of. AKIO: She doesn't overrate herself much, does she? TOUGA: She's saving it for the fic. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Kiryuu, I'm warning you once more about those author flames. >I'm working on Chapter two at the moment, and if I'm lucky it'll be >up soon. Enjoy! AKIO: And if *we're* lucky, your hard drive will crash and burn, saving the universe from any further attempts at so-called comedy. UTENA: You know we're probably not going to be that lucky . . . >The air was clear, the sky was blue, the snow was white, MIKI: The statements were obvious . . . AKIO: The story was boring . . . UTENA: This is just the first line. Be nice. AKIO: Optimistic, aren't you? >and the trees were green. Utena Tenjou's hair was pink. MIKI: That pair of sentences would flow better if the second were appended to the first with the "and" conjunction . . . TOUGA: We'll take your word for it. >Utena stood on the summit of the mountain used to create Winter Park >Resort TOUGA [pantomimes pulling a cover off a sculpture]: Voila! There eet *ees*! Ze most perfect winter park resort in ze land! After two solid years of carving ze mountain, eet ees done! My masterpiece shall be ze envy of generations! UTENA: Nice accent. >in Colorado, UTENA: Why am I in Colorado? Where *is* Colorado? MIKI: Western-Central United States, in the Rocky Mountains. Um . . . vacation, maybe? AKIO: Plot contrivance. MIKI: You're a regular ray of sunshine, Rijichou. >taking in the sight of a small village nestled below her. TOUGA : The hiiiiiills are aliiiiiive . . . with the souuuund of muuuusiiiic . . . >She never saw anything of this sort in Japan, and probably wouldn't >see it again for quite a while. MIKI: I wonder who paid for this trip? Utena, pardon me for prying, but how much does your aunt give you for allowance? UTENA: Not *this* much. >Just the smell of the air could make a person smile. [ALL make loud sniffing noises, then big fake smiles] >The cold had turned her cheeks the perfect shade- pink, but not pink >to match her hair or pink to make her look like she was black light >responsive- [ALL blink] UTENA: What? TOUGA: I have no idea. AKIO: I think she means, "but not fluorescent pink". MIKI [pantomimes a paramedic flashing a beam of light from a penlight into a patient's eyes]: Pupils fixed and dilated when exposed to black light. Probable concussion . . . >just pink enough to give her that "made-up without even bothering" >look. UTENA: I *never* bother. TOUGA: You don't need to. You're naturally lovely . . . AKIO: A*hem*. Kiryuu . . . TOUGA : What? >Her cotton candy pink hair UTENA [tugging a lock forward to look at]: Is it really "cotton candy" colored? MIKI [thoughtful glance]: Hmm . . . in some light, I suppose. TOUGA: You're certainly sweet . . . AKIO: *Kiryuu* . . . TOUGA: Yes, Rijichou? Problem? [AKIO glowers] >flew free in the wind, AKIO [pantomiming tossing something up into the air]: Fly! Be free! UTENA: Cute. Obscure, but cute. [AKIO smirks over UTENA's head at TOUGA, who scowls] >ears covered by a blue headband adorned with white edelweiss. TOUGA : Edelweiss, edelweiss . . . UTENA: No more late-night TV for you, 'kay? >Her white ski jacket and black pants made her look a bit like a >dancing snowball, but you wouldn't think that unless you had an >extremely mean or bizarre mind. AKIO: Which the author must undoubtedly have to comment on it like that . . . UTENA: *Akio* . . . >Even her rental equipment, consisting of blue and white skis, boots, >and poles, seemed to match. MIKI: Well, black and white are neutral colors, thus they tend to match well with virtually anything. TOUGA: Does your vast store of knowledge encompass fashion and interior design too, Miki? MIKI: Why do you ask? TOUGA: . . . no reason. >Anthy Himemiya waited patiently beside Utena. AKIO: And thus, in a single line, the author has described Anthy's behavior in nearly every episode . . . >Her hair in its usual style, glasses replaced with a pair of ski >goggles, and every part of her body except for her nose and hair >covered. A red headband covered her ears; a red fleece neckwarmer >covered her mouth. A red (what else?), UTENA: We get the idea, story. Anthy is fixated on the color red. >black adorned ski jacket zipped all the way up to her nose, thick >black ski pants, and large red mittens kept the nasty wind away from >the girl. TOUGA: Is this supposed to be the same girl who tries to jump off a roof, in the middle of the night, in her nightgown? MIKI: In her *what*? TOUGA: Nightgown. Nightie. Negligee. Miki? Are you all right? [MIKI has a nosebleed] >Even with all this her cheeks now matched her insulated clothing. AKIO: Not that you would be able to see her cheeks, if she were actually covered completely except for her nose and hair. UTENA: You really don't want to be here, do you. AKIO: Oh, I'm sorry, am I ruining your fun? >Unlike Utena, Anthy's rental equipment was yellow and green, greatly >contrasting the rest of her red outfit. UTENA: And the point of this is? AKIO: To drive us all nuts with boring pointless description. It's easier doing that than to get on with the plot. TOUGA [shuddering]: Atrocious colors . . . MIKI: Rental equipment tends to be, Seitokaichou. >This entire ensemble made her look a bit like a dancing blood clot, >but you wouldn't think that unless you had an extremely mean or >bizarre mind. MIKI: That line looks familiar . . . UTENA: A *blood clot*?! AKIO: That was a mental image even *I* could have done without. >Coming off the lift behind them were Kyouichi Saionji and Touga >Kiryuu. Saionji wearing black and green (although the green greatly >overpowered the black, TOUGA [pretending to be in a vicious wrestling match, complete with grunts and growls]: Take *that*, and *that*, and *that*! I, Green, shall vanquish you, foul Black! MIKI: Seitokaichou? Are you all right? >so he looked a bit like a dancing pine tree, UTENA: What *is* this? "Christmas on Ice"? AKIO: It'd have to be "Bloody Christmas on Ice." The Rose Bride looks like a blood clot, remember? UTENA: Wow. Thanks for reminding me so soon. >but you wouldn't think that unless you had an extremely mean or >bizarre mind), MIKI: There it is again! >Touga wearing black and red (although the black greatly overpowered >the red, [MIKI, UTENA, and AKIO all look at TOUGA] TOUGA: What? >so he looked a bit like a dancing hunk of coal, TOUGA: What? How dare she compare *my* gorgeous self to a . . . a chunk of *coal*! UTENA [grinning]: Aww, poor baby. AKIO : Well, son, what did Santa leave in your stocking? MIKI : All I got was a lump of coal . . . AKIO : Looks like someone's been a naughty boy. Perhaps the three girls at once was a factor? [the others snicker; TOUGA chooses to ignore them] >but you wouldn't think that unless you had an extremely mean or >bizarre mind), MIKI: Deja vu *again* . . . UTENA : All right, enough with the clip and paste already. We get the message. You, the author, have an extremely mean and bizarre mind. MIKAGE'S VOICE: I think I'll let this one pass, actually. AKIO: Maybe the record's stuck? TOUGA: Mean and bizarre mind . . . *click* . . . mean and bizarre mind . . . *click* . . . mean and bizarre mind . . . *click* . . . mean and bizarre mind . . . >both using gray, red, and blue rental equipment. AKIO: Whoever designed this equipment must have been color-blind. >Jury Arisugawa TOUGA: "Juri". MIKI: Actually, Kiryuu-senpai, it's permissible to spell her name either way . . . >was in the lodge looking for her gloves, which mysteriously >disappeared. MIKI: Missing word. "Which *had* mysteriously disappeared." UTENA : Now you see us! Poof! Now you don't! AKIO: That's right, folks! Now you too can own a pair of these amazing gloves! Without the help of any outside agency, they vanish right before your very eyes! >She was wearing orange and black, orange the superior color, making >her look a bit like a dancing pumpkin, but you wouldn't think that >unless you had an extremely mean or bizarre mind. AKIO: Great, now it's "Halloween on Ice." Since when has Juri worn *orange* and been pudgy enough to warrant being likened to a pumpkin? UTENA: I always thought Juri had much better fashion sense than that--and she's certainly *not* pudgy. TOUGA: I think we're all being color-coded for some unknown reason. MIKI: *I* know the reason. The author has a "mean and bizarre mind." [they all snicker] >Miki Kaoru was riding a chairlift up the hill on the other side of >the mountain, TOUGA : Oh, he'll be riding a white chairlift when he comes . . . AKIO: Good thing it's white then. The stains won't show. MIKI: *Rijichou*!! >still looking for his "shining thing". MIKI [blushing]: It's not an *obsession* . . . AKIO: Keep telling yourself that. MIKI: It's not a physical object, either. It's more of a . . . state of mind, you know. A quest for inspiration and self-worth . . . AKIO: Sure. MIKI: I mean it. AKIO: Mm-hmm. >He was wearing blue and black, blue the superior color, making him >look a bit like a dancing blueberry, but you wouldn't think that >unless you had an extremely mean or bizarre mind. UTENA: We get the idea. Look, the first couple of times might have been cute, but it's getting old. TOUGA: It's obvious that this author got hold of a supposedly funny theme and is determined to beat it into the ground. UTENA: It's six feet under by now. >Then there was Sienna Cody, but all of her gear was coordinated, so >she just looked like a normal skier. AKIO: I suspect this is clue number one that we're dealing with an obnoxious self-insertion character . . . >Except for the fact that she was a snowboarder. UTENA: Well . . . then she doesn't look just like a normal *skier*, does she? >Not to mention she isn't quite important yet- MIKI: I'm sure that's due to change any time now. UTENA: Well, at least we've been warned. That's more than most fanfic authors do. AKIO [imitates the sound of a submarine klaxon]: Warning! Warning! S-I plot mine dead ahead! >she's just riding up the lift. Dang- no fun there. TOUGA: Oh, so the rest of us have to put up with unflattering comparisons to various inanimate objects, but *this* one doesn't? AKIO: Sure seems that way. >Oh yeah, Nanami was there too, AKIO: Yup. Wherever Touga is, his little yellow shadow can't be far behind. TOUGA: Do you notice her *here*, Akio? AKIO: I wouldn't be at all surprised if she manages to steal a shuttle just to get here. >but she was having trouble with her rental gear. It didn't match >anything she had on. Of course, nothing she had on matched. TOUGA: My sister has good fashion sense, thank you. MIKI: Actually, Seitokaichou, don't you remember that dress she wore at the dance party? The orange one with the huge dark purple bow on the back? Not to mention the yellowish-greenish dress she sent to Miss Anthy . . . TOUGA: Never mind. >In fact, she looked like a big ball of play dough that had been >smushed together by some 4- year-old. MIKI: Four. F-O-U-R!! TOUGA: Actually, it looks like poor Nanami was crushed by the will of a fifteen-year-old. UTENA: Well, it's already clear that all the duelists are putty in the author's untalented hands . . . MIKAGE'S VOICE: Look, Tenjou, you're testing my patience. >She didn't look a bit like it- she looked a LOT like it. And you >didn't have to have a mean or bizarre mind to see this. UTENA: I can see that the author doesn't like Nanami very much. AKIO: Who does? [TOUGA growls] >Back on topic. MIKI: I just don't get it . . . UTENA: Just smile and nod, Miki-kun. It's only the author reminding herself to not ramble on and neglect what passes for a plot . . . AKIO: Otherwise, we might actually end up having "Great Expectations" out of this fic. TOUGA: Not likely. >Utena surveyed the ski slope below them. It was marked a blue square, >intermediate, but appeared to be a breeze. MIKI: No, actually, it appears to be a ski slope. UTENA: Miki. Figure of speech. Okay? MIKI: Oh. >She looked over at Anthy. "Are you sure you know how to ski? I >wouldn't have expected that from you." AKIO: Anthy has *many* talents that most people don't expect . . . UTENA: *Akio*! >"Oh, yes, Miss Utena!" Anthy replied in her annoyingly cheerful way. UTENA and MIKI: She's not *annoying*! AKIO [covering his ears]: Watch the volume . . . I didn't need *that* yelled in stereo. >"When I lived in India I went skiing all the time. I was an expert." [pause] MIKI: When did Miss Anthy live in India? TOUGA: Beats me. UTENA: That would explain this caste-mark thing. . . [poking AKIO in the forehead with one finger] AKIO: Ow. Stop that! >"I sure hope so…" the revolutionary girl [TOUGA chuckles suddenly] MIKI: Actually, Kiryuu-senpai, there's a difference between "revolution" and "rotation." I'm sure you're thinking of the latter. UTENA: What?--*Touga*!! AKIO : Number nine . . . number nine . . . number nine . . . number nine . . . MIKI: Obscure, Rijichou. AKIO: There's got to be at least *one* person who gets it. >tightened her gloves. MIKI: Oh--there should be a capital "t" in "the" to mark the beginning of a new sentence, since tightening one's gloves is not a speech-related action by any stretch. >"You ready to go?" AKIO: She's *always* ready to go-- UTENA: *Akio*!! [she smacks him upside the head] >"Whenever you are, Miss Utena." > >"All right, then!" Utena grinned and pushed off, barreling down the >slope. The hill was steeper than she had expected, and before she >knew it she was moving at an extremely fast pace, the wind whipping UTENA : When a problem comes along, you must whip it! AKIO: Mmm. Sounds interesting. UTENA [sweatdrop]: Never mind. >her hair in all directions. UTENA: "Back" is the usual direction. TOUGA: You haven't seen yourself in action much, have you? UTENA: It's not *my* fault that the animators get enthusiastic. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Fourth Wall, people. >Letting out a wild whoop, Utena swerved to dodge a 4 year old MIKI: What is a four-year-old--that's f-o-u-r, by the way, it's only three more keystrokes--doing on an intermediate ski slope anyway? >and headed towards a jump in the middle of the hill. Sinking closer >to the ground, she shot off the mound of snow like a bullet, UTENA: "Schell Bullet"? >landing in soft powder and continuing on towards an expert hill. This >was much more of a thrill than ski team had ever been. [pause] UTENA: Ohtori has a ski team? AKIO: I don't remember that. I'll check my files when we get back to the campus. MAMIYA'S VOICE: You mean *if* you get back to the campus, don't you, Rijichou? [snicker] [AKIO growls] >Anthy followed behind quietly, as usual. AKIO: Actually, she tends to be quite vocal-- UTENA: *Akio*! >But she hadn't lied about her skiing abilities- her skills were top >rate. AKIO: Oh, they certainly *are*-- MIKI: *Rijichou*! >And Anthy had to be one of the most non-athletic girls in the school. AKIO: On the contrary, she's quite-- TOUGA: *Ohtori-kun* . . . AKIO [sulking]: I just can't have any fun with this, can I. >From the top of the hill, a pine tree and a hunk of coal stood and >watched the two girls fly down the hill. So did Touga and Saionji. MIKI [blinking]: But . . . the simile . . . the colors . . . they . . . UTENA: Don't think about it. It'll hurt less. >"Her skills are amazing," Touga commented as he watched Utena. AKIO: No argument there! [UTENA smacks him upside the head] >"I'd say she's better at skiing than dueling." TOUGA: No, I wouldn't . . . >"Anthy doesn't duel," Saionji replied, sounding a bit disgusted as >usual. MIKI: Saionji-senpai doesn't sound *disgusted* . . . he usually sounds, well, condescending. AKIO: Same thing. >The whininess was undetectable, UTENA: More like "nonexistent". If there's one thing Saionji doesn't do, it's *whine*. >but that was only because he had a cold, meaning it would be back >soon. Dang. AKIO: Thanks for another pointless aside, story. >"I'm talking about Tenjou, stupid." UTENA: Lost all your class, huh, Touga? TOUGA: I think *not*. >Touga stared down the hill thoughtfully. "I'm going to follow them." He >took off, also skiing expertly- the Ohtori ski team was very popular. AKIO: I'm definitely going to look this supposed "ski team" up in the records. >Saionji growled and followed, trying his best to parallel. Saionji >didn't like snow. He only liked himself and kendo. UTENA: And Anthy, of course. >Jury found her gloves. ALL : Yay. >Miki was contemplating which run to take. MIKI: Er . . . how about the one back into the lodge to spend the afternoon studying? >Nanami waited impatiently to get on the chairlift. AKIO: We waited impatiently for the story to end. >Sienna watched the two boys take off. The green one didn't seem to >know what he was doing. The black one definitely did. The hunk of >coal and pine tree quietly agreed. They had seen many a skier in >their day, but the black one was really good. So were the white and >red ones who had gone down seconds before. But what did they know? >They were inanimate objects. [long silence] UTENA: That was only *slightly* more surreal than a typical episode. MIKAGE'S VOICE: *Miss* Tenjou. Fourth *Wall*. Thank you. >Sienna snapped into her snowboard and headed down the hill at top >speed. The pine tree was astounded- for once, a snowboarder that >didn't clash! AKIO: Clue number two . . . MIKI: Wasn't it the *skiiers* who clashed, anyway? TOUGA: Did you expect that much observation from inanimate objects? >The hunk of coal just sat there and watched. > >Touga whisked down the hill, feeling the same wind Utena had, MIKI: Er, technically, he wouldn't-- AKIO: Spare us. >hair flying like Utena's did. It was a total rush, feeling the snow >beneath him and the air around him. His blue eyes glowed with >excitement, and he couldn't help but wonder if this was in any bit >like the Power of Dios was supposed to be. UTENA: Well . . . no, no it's not. Sorry. >He turned down the expert trail Utena had followed, not really caring >whether he was following her or not anymore. AKIO: He'd care in a moment, as he crashed into the tree . . . TOUGA: Do you mind? >Sienna carefully watched the black skier's moves. He was good. Not >only that, but he was GORGEOUS, too! She really, REALLY hoped he >didn't have a girlfriend. TOUGA: Of course I do. It's just that she's in denial. UTENA: *Touga* . . . [TOUGA tries to put his arm around UTENA's shoulders; AKIO tries to preempt him by doing the same. UTENA simply slides down into the seat and lets them glare at each other] >That would be bad for her motives. > >Too bad for her she wasn't really paying attention to where she was >going. She sped up to pass the guy and get a look at his face, only >realizing she was out of control when they made eye contact. The >reddish brown haired girl screeched as she sped straight on UTENA: . . . over a cliff, plummeting to her doom . . . MIKI: That's a little morbid, Utena-kun. >into Utena and Anthy. AKIO: All *right*! Lesbian threesome! UTENA: *Akio*! [she smacks him upside the head] >A poof of snow, a flail of arms, a scream, a few profane words, and a >flying snowboard all occurred before the madness was stopped and the >three girls became untangled. TOUGA: What, no details? UTENA: *Touga*! [she smacks *him* upside the head] >Sienna immediately started apologizing profusely. "I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO >sorry!!" [ALL cover their ears] MIKI: Volume, please? Surely just *one* "o" will suffice . . . >she cried, retrieving lost poles. "I really didn't mean to hit you! I >wasn't watching where I was going, I didn't notice I was going so >fast, I now realize the dangers of checking out cute guys while on a >moving snowboard!" AKIO: What is this? A public service announcement? >She held out a hand to Anthy and Utena, offering to help them up. "By >the way, you guys are amazing skiers. Where'd you learn?" > >"India." TOUGA: Sure you did. >"My dad… Japan, I guess." UTENA: My parents have been dead since I was six. AKIO: Were you a child prodigy on the slopes? UTENA: No. >Utena rearranged her lopsided headband, then did a double take at the >girl who had caused their peril. "How do you know Japanese? We're in >America." Sienna giggled. TOUGA: Ahahahahahahahaha!! MIKI: That sounded almost exactly like your sister . . . TOUGA: I've heard it a *lot*. >"Yeah, well, I lived in Japan for a few years when my dad got >transferred there. That's how I know the language." AKIO: Clue number three. It takes more than just "a few years" to master a language as complex as Japanese. >"How did you know WE speak Japanese?" Sienna shrugged. TOUGA : Because I'm the self-insert! Omniscience is but one of my many formidable powers. Would you like to kiss my hiney now, or shall I pencil you in for a later appointment? >"I just guessed. Those two guys on the lift in front of me were >speaking in Japanese, MIKI: I should think it would be hard to hear a conversation held in a normal volume level on a ski lift . . . AKIO: Clue number four. She has super-hearing. >and since they were following you–" > >"Following us?" Utena looked up past the bowing Sienna to see Touga >Kiryuu, redder than Anthy's jacket and his hair combined. UTENA: I've never seen you blush like that. TOUGA: I never *have* blushed like that. >She growled, frowned, then just sighed and slapped her forehead. MIKI: You've never made that gesture, have you, Utena-kun? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Oddly enough, this same author's own far more obvious self-insert character in another set of fics has the same habit . . . >Jury couldn't remember where she put her skis. TOUGA: Poor Juri . . . stuck as the comic relief. AKIO: This whole *story* is supposedly comic relief--and not very well done, at that. >Miki fell down. UTENA: So much for those amazing fencer's reflexes of yours, Miki-kun. >Nanami was stuck on a chairlift with an American guy who was hitting >on her non-stop. MIKI: Not that she'd be able to understand him. He's probably speaking English. >Why? Your guess is as good as mine. AKIO: I'm sorry, could you make your dislike of Nanami more obvious? [TOUGA growls] >Saionji fell down, too. Saionji didn't like snow. MIKI: So much for Saionji-senpai's kendo reflexes, too. >****************** TOUGA: It's full of stars! AKIO: That's been done . . . but it's still a classic. >Sienna Cody was about 5 feet, 4 inches tall. She had reddish brown >hair that was always kept in a ponytail, striking green eyes, UTENA: A short Sailor Jupiter? . . . MIKI: If this were a "Sailor Moon" fanfic, I'm sure no one would be surprised. >and an air of "I'm cooler than you and you know it" always following >her around. AKIO: Clue number five. Obnoxious self-insert character confirmed. >She was also the perfect amount of skinny- not anorexically skinny, >but not a Kate Winslet skinny. (In other words, she looked hot in a 2 >piece.) TOUGA: The word is "slender." Or perhaps "willowy." "Skinny" is just . . . skinny. UTENA: How do you describe *yourself*, hmm? TOUGA: "Lean," or maybe "athletic" . . . MIKI: T-w-o. It's only a couple more keystrokes! >Sienna had been skiing since she was 3. AKIO: If we needed any more clues . . . MIKI: T-h-r-e-e . . . >She took up snowboarding as soon as it was invented, thus earning the >nickname "Veteran Shredbetty." UTENA: Veteran what? MIKI: I'm sure it's some form of skiing--or rather, snowboarding-- lingo. >Touga's face was really red. He was blushing SOOOOOOOOOO bad. UTENA: I doubt it. And put those extra "o's" away, will you? >And this is the guy who never blushes, much less shows any other >emotion. TOUGA: Of course I do! I-- UTENA: Stop right there. Most of your emotions are variations on either lust or arrogance. TOUGA: You say it like it's a *bad* thing. >Maybe it was just the wind. Either way, Sienna would've called him >Stew(ard) Tomato ' [ALL--except TOUGA--snigger] TOUGA: I'm so glad you find this amusing. >from that moment on if she didn't think he was hot. But she did, so >Touga kept his original name. TOUGA : Golly. Thanks. >(This still didn't stop impulsive outbursts from Sienna- "Toga! Toga! >Toga!") TOUGA: Actually, if you pronounce it as "too-ga", short "o" sound, you're probably a lot closer to the real pronunciation. >"Why were you following me?" Utena asked, blushing a bit herself. MIKI: Well . . . *that's* at least somewhat in-character. UTENA: *What*? MIKI: You *do* get a bit flustered around the Seitokaichou . . . UTENA: I do *not*! MIKI: Yes, you do. UTENA: *Not* . . . >Anthy sat in the snow building a snowman. TOUGA [sighing]: And back to the out-of-character tripe. >"I… need lunch money?" Kiryuu stammered. No way was he getting away >with this one. UTENA: Sure, I'd accept *that* coming from a guy who lives in a *mansion*. Mm-hm. AKIO: Very smooth, Kiryuu. TOUGA: Look, I don't know *who* that stumblebum up there is, but it's certainly not *me*. >"Lame attempt." UTENA: My sentiments exactly. >The current champion duelist grinned evilly, then threw a snowball at >Touga. MIKI: Where did she get that from? UTENA: Maybe Anthy? I just don't know . . . >Fortunately for him, the Student Council Prez saw the attack and >ducked. AKIO: Ah, yes, watch as the *brave*, *dashing* Seitokaichou dodges out of the way of the fearsome *snowball*! [TOUGA grumbles] >This wasn't so fortunate for the Vice Prez, who got smacked in the >face with a snowball. ALL : Ha. Ha. Ha. UTENA: *Thrill* at the slapstick humor of the substandard "Three Stooges" routine! >Sputtering, he wiped the white powdery stuff off his face. TOUGA: Akio, did you get Saionji hooked on coke? AKIO: I'll never tell. [smirk] >"You little brat! I challenge you to a duel! Right here, right now!" [TOUGA makes the sound of squealing tires, then an approximation of a car-crash noise] MIKI: What was *that*? TOUGA: The sound of Saionji veering off the in-character road. UTENA: I know Saionji's temperamental, but this is going a bit far . . . >"Goodness! Wouldn't it be cold?" Anthy cut in, looking up from her >snow sculpture. AKIO: Why thank you, Mistress of the Obvious, sister dear. UTENA: Be *nice*. AKIO: Why? The story's not being nice. >Saionji gave her a look. TOUGA : Here . . . it's a gift. Go on, take it, really . . . >"I mean, it is below freezing out here. And Miss Utena would be >wearing that uniform of hers. I wouldn't want to go bare legged in >this weather." AKIO [leering at UTENA]: *I'd* keep you warm. [UTENA, of course, smacks him] >Sienna just looked at the group. "What the Hell are you freaks >talking about?" she finally asked. MIKI <"group">: D'OH! >Anthy gasped and covered her mouth, Utena got that look on her face >where her eyes get all wide and her mouth hangs open and her cheeks >turn red, UTENA: Oh, you mean *this* look? [goes into a superdeformed gape] MIKI: That looked painful, Utena-kun . . . >and Touga and Saionji gave each other troubled looks. When he wasn't >looking, Utena stuck her tongue out at Saionji. AKIO: Don't offer it unless you intend to use it . . . UTENA: With *Saionji*? I'd rather get my tongue stuck to a flagpole in zero-degree weather--and don't you *dare* even *think* about making a perverted remark out of that statement. >Saionji saw and hit her with a snowball. Sienna growled, then ripped >open a hole in space, walked over to the author, and smacked her >upside the head. "Get back on topic!" She shouted, then jumped back >into the scene. ALL: O_o MIKAGE'S VOICE : Fourth Wall breach! Critical failure! Attempting resuscitation! *Mamiya*! I need more power! MAMIYA'S VOICE : I'm givin' her all she's got, Cap'n! ALL: O_O UTENA [burying her head in her hands]: And *these* are the people who control our air supply . . . >Everyone was still sitting in the snow making faces. > >"It's… a… simulation!" Utena finally said. "Yeah, a simulation… of… >Medieval Europe…? With… duels and stuff…? Maybe…?" UTENA: I could do better than *that* in a tense situation. TOUGA: Your resourcefulness is just part of your charm . . . AKIO: *Kiryuu* . . . TOUGA : *Yes*, Rijichou? >"I'll buy that, but only for now." Sienna smiled. "Where are you guys >staying?" MIKI [muffled by his hands over his face]: Hell. We got a discount on the room. >"The Pines Inn," Touga replied, finally returning to a semi-normal >shade. "It's-" > >"DUUUUUUUUDE!!!" Before he knew it Sienna had Touga's arm in her >clutches. "I'm at the same place!!! We can, like, hang out and >stuff!" Touga proceeded to turn red again. TOUGA: . . . and vomited into the snow. I *hate* "valley girls." They talk too much about too little. UTENA: Strangely, this girl reminds me just a little of Wakaba. >"Um, yeah, I-" > >"It'll be so cool! Come on, we can ski the rest of the day together >and then go back together! It'll be wicked cool! I've got some >awesome anime tapes if you wanna watch them. They're like wicked >awesome!" She continued to talk, and Touga continued to try to brush >her off his arm. TOUGA: . . . and into the nearest den of rabid, hungry wolves. [shudder] Where she *belongs*. >Jury couldn't find the chair lift to the summit. AKIO: Are we *still* stuck on the make-fun-of-Juri tangent? You'd think she was Ryoga Hibiki's sister . . . >Miki got up and skied to the bottom, then fell again. MIKI: But at least I made it to the bottom! UTENA: Miki . . . relax, okay? >Nanami prepared to take the easiest trail on the map. She didn't >wanna fall on her bum. AKIO: The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vagabonds was watching her. >Saionji's face was freezing. He ripped off his glove and stuck his >thumb in his mouth out of self-pity. [ALL laugh themselves silly] UTENA: Oh, sure, I can see *that* . . . >Saionji didn't like snow. > >But he thought Sienna was pretty. UTENA: Isn't *that* typical? Someone *has* to fall for the self-insertion. Pity that it had to be the man who's obsessed with Anthy. >Sienna didn't feel quite the same. ALL: Awww, darn. >****************** TOUGA : Stars, in your multitudes . . . scarce to be counted, filling the darkness with order and light . . . MIKI: There's eighteen of them, Seitokaichou. TOUGA: . . . what? MIKI: Well, you said "scarce to be counted," and-- TOUGA: Forget I asked. >The Pines Inn was a cozy little bed and breakfast shoved into a >mountainside UTENA: Bulldozer accidents can be so tragic sometimes. >about 5 minutes away from Winter Park. It wasn't very crowded for >that time of year, so the Student Council had decided to take up >lodging there instead of the Marriott just outside the ski hill with >the rest of the school. TOUGA: Oh, *now* I see. It's some sort of bizarre field trip. AKIO: All right, who do I have to fire for misappropriation of funds? . . . *Mikage*! MIKAGE'S VOICE: It certainly wasn't *me*. [heavy sarcasm] Remember, I'm just a "figment of your imagination," Rijichou Ohtori-sama, *sir*. [AKIO slumps in his seat, muttering] >Utena and Anthy ended up there because of Rose Seal regulations. >Neither one was complaining, though. UTENA: . . . why not? AKIO: Plot contrivance. UTENA: That's your answer to everything, isn't it? AKIO: Just about. >The entire group of duelists plus Sienna were sitting in the living >room in front of a crackling fire, sipping hot cider and pigging out >on homemade popcorn. TOUGA: As opposed to what other sort of popcorn? Would they have raided a movie theater? . . . >Nanami's Sailor Moon Best Songs Collection Pretty Cast CD MIKI: "Sailor Moon Best Songs Collection Pretty Cast". It needs the quotes. TOUGA: Nanami doesn't listen to that anyway. >was playing somewhere in the background, and she and Sienna were >singing along with every word. > >Jury grumbled about how she had hardly gotten any skiing in. "First I >couldn't find the rental place. Then I couldn't find my credit card >to pay for it. THEN I lost my gloves. THEN I couldn't remember where >I put my skis. And then I couldn't remember which lift led to the >summit! By the time I finally got there I had spent half the day >looking for stuff!" She frowned and sipped her cider. "Some vacation. >I was less tense back home." TOUGA: All right . . . who abducted the real Juri and put this disorganized, forgetful, whining impostor in her place? The Juri Arisugawa *I* know could be standing waist-deep in hot lava and not change expression. >"I found a rock," Miki replied to the entire one sided, lost-and- >found conversation. "It's a Shining Thing. But not my shining thing." UTENA: The author really hasn't gotten it yet, has she? MIKI: No. >He too sipped his cider. "And then I fell and tripped over a >snowboarder named Emily who was here on winter vacation and we hung >out together. She plays piano professionally, and she's only a year >older than me." Miki went on to shove a handful of popcorn into his >mouth. AKIO: Finally noticing girls other than my sister, hmm? MIKI: No. >"I fell on my face on a green and my hair got messed up and then a >pile of snow fell on my head and some birds came over to me and >started eating my lunch and then I couldn't find my way down so I had >to follow an old guy who wouldn't shut up about how his daughter >looked just like me and then when I got back to the lodge I couldn't >find my money so the old guy had to give me some and when I went to >eat with Mickey there was already a girl there so I had to eat all by >myself and you didn't do ANYTHING about it, Big Brother!" Nanami let >out in one breath. [silence] UTENA: My God. Nanami's actually in character. TOUGA: More or less. >Touga just stared at her, dumbfounded. > >"Nanami, can you repeat that?" ALL: *No*! >"NO!!" everyone screamed in reply. [silence] AKIO: . . . Moving right along . . . >"We heard fine the first time," Sienna added with a sweatdrop. >"Interesting story, Nanami." UTENA : You are boring me and wasting my valuable time. How dare you speak of such trivial things before the great and mighty self-insert?! Peasant! >"Well I got hit in the face with a snowball," Saionji added. Silence. >More silence. Even more silence. ALL: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz . . . >"That's A SNOWBALL." > >"Yeah, nice dandruff, Saionji," Utena murmured absentmindedly. UTENA: And so the author has managed to twist a scene from the actual series into a parody of itself. Thanks. MIKAGE'S VOICE: I'll let this one pass too. >Saionji immediately reached for his hair. > >"What??? Where??? How??? That's not possible!!! Anthy!" TOUGA: And *why* is he yelling for Anthy? . . . >"Yes, Saionji?" Anthy walked into the room carrying a plate of fresh >baked, HOT cookies. She accidentally tripped over a chew toy >belonging to the family dog, Growlithe (don't ask), AKIO: I don't think we were going to. Thank you for the pointless aside, story, you're very good at them. >dumping the entire tray into Saionji's lap. "Oh, I'm sorry, Saionji!" >She immediately ran out of the room. "I'll get another plate for >you!" she called from the kitchen. UTENA [sighing]: I keep hoping that I'll get her to drop the subservient attitude. Still, she usually doesn't have it around Saionji any more . . . >"It's just snow in your hair, Coniferous," Sienna laughed, brushing >the snowflakes out of his forest green locks. MIKI: The snow would have melted by this point. AKIO: Aren't you glad that Sienna *likes* you, Touga? Otherwise you'd be stuck with a similarly stupid nickname. TOUGA: Whee. >"Coniferous?" Utena walked over to Saionji, grabbed a cookie off of >his lap, and started to stuff it in her mouth when she really >realized where it had been, and put it back. UTENA: I agree with *that* . . . >"Isn't that the scientific name for a pine tree or something?" > >"Yup. He looks like a dancing pine tree when her MIKI: "He" . . . >skis. Well, TRIES to ski." Sienna winked. "And Nanami looks like a >dancing ball of play dough!" AKIO: Just when did she *see* Nanami? There wasn't so much as a whisper about them meeting . . . TOUGA: Must have been during the scene break. >Touga immediately started cracking up, hot cider shooting out his >nose and all over Saionji's forest green sweater. TOUGA: *Ouch*. My nose *and* my dignity both hurt now. >Saionji screamed, shoved his thumb AKIO: . . . into Sienna's eye, rupturing-- UTENA: *No*, Akio. No, no, *no* . . . >in his mouth and ran off to who knows where, making Touga laugh even >harder. UTENA: You're one heck of a guy there, Touga, laughing at your friend's distress. You jerk. TOUGA: That jerk is *not* me! >"Who looks like a big ball of play dough?" Nanami screeched, picking >up a handful of popcorn. AKIO: When did Nanami's attention span drop to a few *nanoseconds*? MIKI: When she got stuck in this fic. >"You do. NOTHING you wear matches," Sienna continued. "At least >you're not a pumpkin or a blueberry." AKIO: Just when did she see Juri and Miki? TOUGA: It's that scene break, I tell you. >"Lemme guess," Touga snickered. "Jury's the pumpkin and Mickey's the >blueberry? And I'll bet Anthy's a rose and Utena's a daisy." UTENA: Well, now . . . *that's* almost charming. [TOUGA smirks at AKIO, who scowls] UTENA: *Almost*. [AKIO smirks right back at TOUGA, who scowls] >"Actually… Anthy's a blood clot and Utena's a snowball." She patted >Touga on the head. "You, my friend, are a big hunk of coal." Touga's >smile disappeared. > >"Pardon?" He stood up, now towering over the American girl. Sienna >smirked. ALL: Kill her! AKIO: Please chop off her obnoxious head, Kiryuu. TOUGA: If only I could. >"Gee, you were having so much fun until you turned into a fossil >fuel, Mr. Kiryuu," MIKI: This is the girl who supposedly has such a command of Japanese? "Kiryuu-san" would be the appropriate form of address. >she said slyly. Anthy walked out of the kitchen. > >"My, I never knew I was a blood clot." > >"I never imagined myself as a snowball." > >"A pumpkin??? I look like a pumpkin??" UTENA: I think this is the point where Juri would take offense and throttle the mouthy gaijin--or else draw her sword. >"I think it's cute! It's just like Miss Cody to say something like >that!" Nanami gasped. > >"Mickey, do you have a crush on Sienna?" > >"What? Of course not! Miss Cody just reminds me of a girl I know... >that's all." AKIO: Who's saying *what* now? A little help here! TOUGA: You're asking too many questions. I believe you're thinking about the fic too much. AKIO: Sorry. >"Shut up, you big blueberry!" > >"Better than being a big ball of play dough." > >"Ooooh… Miki Kaoru, you'll pay for this!" UTENA: Look, Miki! You and Nanami have turned into Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars--DiC dub, obviously! MIKI [burying his head in his hands again]: For joy, for joy . . . >Utena rolled her eyes. "So, Sienna, what are you?" AKIO : An insufferable little self-inserted author's-pet bitch. UTENA: *Language*! AKIO : Sorry. >Sienna sat down gracefully next to Touga. > >"Coordinated." > >Utena just sighed and collapsed into the couch. This was gonna be a >long week. MIKI: It's already been quite long enough. Thank you! >****************** UTENA : And even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star . . . >Nanami didn't like Sienna. ALL: Join the club, Nanami! >Saionji did, but Nanami didn't. AKIO: Saionji's taste has taken a sharp downswing. >Saionji liked Sienna a lot. He thought she was pretty. In fact, he >was about to make a move when Anthy came and dumped cookies in his >lap, TOUGA: . . . thus sparing him from the terrible mistake he could have made. >making him run away. So much for that idea. > >But this section is about Nanami, not Saionji. > >Nanami didn't like Sienna. She didn't like ANYONE who hung all over >her brother. Deep inside her twisted imagination, Nanami concocted a >plan. [pause] UTENA: She really *is* in character, isn't she? Creepy. >"Oh, Sienna, would you pass me those cookies?" Nanami asked sweetly. > >"Of course, Nanami," Sienna replied. She reached over to pick up the >plate, then handed it to Nanami. Nanami, in turn, reached for the >plate, "accidentally" tossing her mug of Cider all over the American >girl. Sienna shrieked. > >"My favorite sweater! Oh, Nanami Kiryuu, I hate you!" She immediately >bolted up the stairs in tears. Nanami gracefully floated over to her >big brother. > >"May I sit here, big brother?" > >"Of course, Nanami. Thank you so much for getting rid of that Sienna >girl. You know you're the only one for me." He grinned and handed her >a cookie. > >"That's what will happen!" Nanami cried, her face beginning to >resemble a disturbed eagle's. "I call it operation "Sienna's annoying >and smells like Cider so you can have her cookie!" [long silence] UTENA: That's the second scene from the actual series that this author has ripped off. MIKAGE'S VOICE: I can't argue with that at all. Carry on. >"Did you say something?" Miki asked from beside her. > >"Oh, nothing," Nanami replied innocently. "Oh, Sienna, would you pass >me those cookies?" MIKI: So this is where the plan goes horribly awry, I assume. >"Uh-huh," Sienna mumbled with her mouth full. She picked up the plate >of cookies and handed it across the table. > >"Wait, I want another one," Touga cut in, reaching for the plate. > >Too late. > >Splash. Shriek. UTENA: Good call, Miki-kun! >Touga sat down, covered with hot apple cider. "Nanami, you oughta do >something about that klutziness of yours," he muttered, wringing out >his sticky hair. TOUGA: Nanami is *not* Usagi Tsukino, believe it or not. >"Oh, no! I'll go get some towels!" Nanami ran from the room, more >flustered and angry at Sienna than ever. Growling, she formed a ball >of cookie dough, intent on making Sienna pay. Aiming for Sienna's >head, Nanami threw the dough ball with all her might. > >At that exact same moment Sienna stood up, and Touga scooched into >the target zone. > >Splat. > >Oops. ALL : Ha. Ha. Ha. UTENA: So, Touga, how is it that you can avoid Wakaba deliberately throwing water on you at close range, but you manage to wind up directly in Nanami's target zone? [TOUGA mutters under his breath] AKIO: Like *hell* would Nanami actually succeed in hitting Touga with anything save a few very suggestive lines and lots of adoration . . . TOUGA: Stop *right* there, Rijichou . . . >****************** MIKI : All of us get lost in the darkness--dreamers learn to steer by the stars . . . >Sienna watched from the doorway. Saionji was in his room sprawled out >across the bed and hugging a lavender stuffed bunny UTENA: A . . . stuffed . . . bunny. TOUGA: This is definitely not Saionji. I don't know *who* it is, but it's not Saionji. He's a sorry case, but he's not *this* pathetic. >sobbing like there was no tomorrow. AKIO : The end of the world is nigh!! UTENA: No, the "end of the world" is sitting right here--within range. [she smacks him] TOUGA: Set yourself up for that one, Ohtori. >She immediately felt a deep pang of guilt, regretting having teased >him about the snow in his hair and laughing at the cookie incident. > >"Saionji-senpai?" she asked quietly, wary of his reaction. Saionji >immediately looked up. UTENA : Santa? >"Go away," he spat scornfully. "I don't want anything to do with >you." MIKI: Now *that* sounds a little more like him. >"Saionji, I- I'm sorry," Sienna apologized, looking down. "I really >didn't mean to hurt you or anything. It was just for fun." AKIO : I will now condescend to offer an empty apology to the pitiful character. This will prove my magnanimous grace as a self- insertion. >"Of course. No one EVER means to hurt me." The sentence came from his >lips dripping with sarcasm. UTENA: Eeew. Get a napkin, Saionji! AKIO: Just think about what *else* could be dripping-- UTENA: *Akio*! >Saionji looked up at Sienna. She was really pretty. He wanted to get >to know her. TOUGA: In the biblical sense, wink wink, nudge nudge . . . UTENA: *Touga* . . . >But she had been mean to him. Not a good start to a relationship. >"Why am I always the bad side of EVERYTHING? Do you realize that no >one has said a kind word to me on this entire trip besides Anthy? And >all she said was "Good morning, Saionji." MIKI: Those quote marks should have been singular, as the quote is placed within a spoken sentence . . . >I guess I should face it. I'm just a reject." UTENA: Saionji would never, ever, ever in a *billion* years say this. He's too arrogant and overconfident. Maybe he *thinks* it sometimes, but admitting it to anyone--especially someone he's just met? Never! >Sienna gasped. If she had had any idea his self esteem was THIS low >she would've started hitting on him sooner. TOUGA: Oh, of course. The attention of the mighty S-I banishes all misery and sorrow. >"Saionji-senpai…" she sat down next to him on the bed, subconsciously >picking up the bunny and hugging it. MIKI: How can one "subconsciously" do this? AKIO: Maybe she meant "absentmindedly." MIKI: I hope so. >"I know how you feel. From 1st to 5th grade I was teased to no end. >No one ever said a kind word to me. They didn't even say good >morning. I was nice to them, but they never returned the feelings. AKIO: Aww. Poor *baby*. [yawn] >Now if you're not nice to the student council and all them I could >understand, TOUGA: Wow. Thanks. >but still… you're not alone." Saionji sat up and looked into Sienna's >intoxicating green eyes. Sienna stared into Saionji's gorgeous violet >eyes. They sat this way for a while. "YOU BLINKED!!!" Sienna >screeched after about 5 minutes, then started cracking up. UTENA: Was that supposed to be funny? MIKI: I guess so. >Two seconds later they were engaged in a passionate, flaming liplock. ALL: O_o AKIO: The unlikelihood of that is just stunning. >When they came up for air, Sienna was redder than a lobster dinner in >Nova Scotia. "Where the hell did that come from?" she asked, eyes >wide. Saionji shrugged. TOUGA: I'm with Saionji on this one. >"I don't know. You started it." > >"What are you talking about? You're the one who started it!" > >"Well if you hadn't come in here and talked to me it never would've >happened!" > >"Well if you hadn't run up here in tears in the first place I never >would've followed you and it never would've happened! So it's your >fault!" > >"Well if you hadn't teased me I wouldn't have run up here in tears >and you never would've followed me and it never would've happened! So >it's your fault!" > >Sienna was speechless. The big jerk was right. UTENA [waking up from a doze, blinking]: Oh, is the blame session over? AKIO: I think the same people at DiC who wrote for Sailor Mars and Sailor Moon influenced this author a lot . . . >Two seconds later they were engaged in a passionate, flaming liplock. MIKI: Copy and paste seems to be a vital part of this author's style. >Utena passed the door just in time to see them sucking face. Feeling >sick, she ran for her room, deciding it would be better not to ask. UTENA: Wise decision. >****************** AKIO : Though we're strangers till now . . . we're choosing the path between the stars--I'll leave my love between the stars . . . UTENA: *Nice* David Bowie impression. AKIO: Why, thank you . . . [TOUGA grumbles as AKIO smirks at him] >The student council plus Utena, Anthy, and Sienna were sitting at a >huge table in the nearest Pizza Hut. Sienna and Utena were shoving >their faces with pizza and breadsticks, claiming the high altitude >made their metabolism work faster than they could keep up with. >Everyone else ate calmly, with the exception of Miki who seemed >fascinated with the rate at which Sienna and Utena were scarfing down >his dinner. UTENA: Great. Now I'm being characterized as a greedy pig. AKIO: It's no more accurate than virtually every other characterization in this fic, with the *possible* exception of Nanami. TOUGA: *Ahem* . . . >He finally managed to munch on a mozzarella stick, but the high >altitude seemed to have an opposite effect on him. He felt dizzy. > >Around her second slice Sienna started telling her snowboard stories. ALL: NO! NO STORIES! >"There was this one time I was boarding in Schweitzer with my dad. I >saw some powder straight ahead of me, but I didn't know the run was >closed. Anyway, I sped up, and ended up flying off a cliff, over a >waterfall, and into ten feet of snow." TOUGA: Just how do you make an error like that? MIKI: Very easily, if you want to play for sympathy or impress people. AKIO: Or you're just stupid, I guess. >Utena nearly choked on a breadstick. "Oh my God! Were you okay?" AKIO: Of *course* she was. >"I'm alive, aren't I? I got a heck of a headache from the impact, >though." She winked, then glanced at Saionji. His eyes hadn't moved >from her face for the entire night. UTENA: *Eeew* . . . >She quickly looked down into her Dr. Pepper, not wanting to look him in >the eye. > >"I remember one time when I was skiing in India there was a group of >snowboarders from Japan," Anthy began quietly. "I was taking a >private lesson at the time. Anyway, these 10 snowboarders all lined >up in the middle of the run and there was no way through them. So my >instructor and I got going as fast as possible and jumped right over >them. AKIO: Ah . . . no. No, I don't think so. >They got so scared. You would have loved it, Miss Sienna!" > >Now it was Saionji's turn to choke on a breadstick. "YOU did THAT?" TOUGA : No, not really. It was my stunt double! >Anthy nodded, looking almost proud of herself. "I wasn't sure what I >was doing, but I certainly pulled it off, didn't I?" AKIO [smirking]: Yes, you certainly-- UTENA: *Akio*!! >"Sounds like a blast!" Sienna laughed with her mouth full. UTENA: Ugh. Close your mouth . . . I don't like "see"-food. >"I remember one time I was in this place in Vermont, and I saw an >absolutely GORGEOUS guy on a snowboard. The only problem was I was on >a chair lift, and he wasn't. So I jumped off the lift, which was, >like, 30 feet in the air." > >"And you didn't break anything?" Utena asked, also with her mouth >full. > >"Nope! [ALL cough in a way that sounds suspiciously like "bullshit! bullshit!"] AKIO: She's strained the powers of a "subtle" self-insertion *far* past the limit already. >We actually ended up hanging out together for the rest of the >weekend, but it turns out he had a girlfriend." Sienna made a face, >then grinned. "But hey, he was still a really cool guy." TOUGA: How nice. [yawn] >And so dinner continued, with horror stories from previous ski trips >and unforgettable moments from that same day in Winter Park. MIKI: Unforgettable moments? *What* unforgettable moments? AKIO: Probably all the idiotic copy-and-paste comparisons. >Saionji and Sienna kept glancing at each other from across the table. >Their looks spoke for them. > >Saionji: Hi. > >Sienna: Hello. > >Saionji: So… how are you? UTENA: Suffering. >Sienna: Hungry. Very hungry. > >Saionji: I see. > >Pause for Nanami's old guy story. AKIO: Again? >Saionji: You wanna go make out in my room after this? > >Sienna: Sure. ALL: *No*! >When they finally all got up to leave, the usual chaos ensued. > >Jury couldn't find her wallet. TOUGA: Okay, *this* one was old a long, long time ago. >Miki fell down. (No, I'm kidding.) > >Miki saw something shiny under the table. But it wasn't his shining >thing- just a fork. MIKI: She still hasn't gotten it, has she? TOUGA: I doubt she ever will. >Nanami complained to her big brother about how greasy the food in >America was. AKIO: It's *pizza*. How greasy can it possibly be? UTENA: This is supposed to come from someone whose typical diet would logically include tempura, among other things . . . >Touga, as usual, completely ignored Nanami. TOUGA: I do not *ignore* her. Well, not really, anyway. OTHERS: Uh-huh. Sure. >Saionji and Sienna stared at each other intently, making Utena feel >sick all over again. UTENA: This *fic* is making me feel sick. >Anthy stood there in her annoyingly cheerful way, MIKI and UTENA: *She's not annoying*! AKIO: Stop *yelling* . . . >making sure Miss Utena was ready to go. [AKIO opens his mouth] UTENA [slapping a hand across his mouth]: *No*. >The entire group finally headed for the door, leaving a 15-dollar tip >for the poor waitress. She had deserved it. TOUGA: Miki, can you calculate how much *we* deserve at this point? MIKI [pulling out a calculator and tapping away]: Um . . . the display's run out of room already. >Saionji slipped on an ice patch in the parking lot and fell into a >bank of snow. Saionji didn't like snow. But he liked Sienna. He liked >her a lot. AKIO: Copy and paste . . . copy and paste . . . copy and paste . . . Get a new act, already! >****************** UTENA : I am made from the dust of the stars, and the oceans flow in my veins . . . AKIO: I think we're starting to stretch a little for the "star" riffs. TOUGA: Look at it this way . . . we've only used one "been done" line for it, as far as I know. AKIO: You have a point. >Saionji and Sienna were engaged in a passionate, flaming liplock. MIKI: Do you think that Saionji-senpai has *ever* been in a "passionate, flaming liplock" before? TOUGA: I can't speak for him, but I've had some memorable ones . . . [smiles seductively at UTENA] AKIO: So have I. [leers at UTENA] [UTENA ignores them both] >The door was locked, Sienna's boom box was blasting her Third Eye Blind CD, and she and Saionji were pretty much all over each other. UTENA: Then, house explode. MIKI: What? UTENA: I don't know, it just came to mind. >Sienna didn't care much for his attitude, but he was an excellent >kisser. He seemed to like her, too. That was necessary in a good >relationship. Along with the excellent kisser deal. AKIO: Say what you like about her snotty attitude, but this girl has her priorities straight! >What she really liked was the fact that he didn't seem to go beyond >flaming passion liplocks. If he did he would've ruined any decency >Sienna saw in him. [UTENA stares very pointedly from TOUGA to AKIO] TOUGA and AKIO: What? >Not to mention we're trying to keep this story PG-13. MIKI: Thank you once again for another theoretically amusing aside, story. >Saionji liked Sienna. In fact, Saionji really liked Sienna. Just >before their little "date" he had made sure to have a little chat >with the author. [klaxons blare, red lights begin flashing from the ceiling of the theatre] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Warning! Fourth Wall shattering ahead! All hands brace for impact! [rollercoaster-style shoulder harnesses spring up behind the seats; the duelists grab and secure them] MAMIYA'S VOICE: What about their feet, Mikage-sensei? And the rest of their bodies for that matter? [long pause] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Mamiya? Shut up. >It went a little something like this: > >Saionji: Hey, Callie Summers? > >C.S.: What do you want? What are you doing in my basement? Dude, get >back in the story! Do you have any idea how hard it is to write, keep >3 instant messages going, AND talk to you at the same time? [the duelists are being rattled around in their seats despite the harnesses as the theatre--and the whole satellite--shakes alarmingly] AKIO: Th-that s-s-settles the q-question for s-sure . . . Sienna t-t-talks just l-like the author-r-r . . . >Saionji: Whatever. Just make sure you give me and Sienna a little >time together, okay? > >C.S.: And what's in it for me, hot shot? UTENA : Hit me with your best shot! [the satellite lurches violently] UTENA [cringing down in her seat]: Never mind! >Saionji dangled a copy of the Shoujo Kakeumei Utena Original >Soundtrack #1 above her head. MIKI [clinging to the handles on the shoulder harness]: "Kakumei"! >C.S.: Oh, no problem, Saionji! > >Callie Summers snatched up the CD and got typing, quitting AOL and >shoving Saionji back into her Microsoft Word document. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Breach passing. Fourth Wall stabilizing. [the klaxons cut off and the lights stop flashing; the duelists push the safety harnesses back up, and they retract down behind the seats again. All four riffers are disheveled and wild-eyed] AKIO: *Please* tell me there are *no* more of those? MAMIYA'S VOICE: Okay. There are no-- AKIO: I meant Mikage. I wouldn't trust *you* to say that the sun will come up tomorrow. MIKAGE'S VOICE: No, there are no more breaches ahead. AKIO: Thank you. >Everything would've been perfect if Saionji's "I rule the world" >attitude hadn't intervened that night. > >He and Sienna sat against the wall, propped up by a pile of pillows, >sucking face as usual. The fatal moment happened during a now routine >15 second break. "Sienna, go get me a glass of water." TOUGA: Oh, I know that feeling. Have to keep a glass of water by the bed, or else-- UTENA: That's far enough, Touga. >"Get it yourself." Sienna went back to kiss him again, but Saionji >stopped her. > >"Excuse me?" MIKI: She said, "get it yourself." >"I said get it yourself. MIKI: *See*? >There's no reason you can't get up on your own two feet and get >yourself your own glass of water." > >"Are you defying me?" > >"Defying you… what?" Sienna gave him a look. "So that's really it, >isn't it. You just want to make me your slave." AKIO: That's not such a bad thing . . . UTENA: Do *not* go there. >"I never said that!" > >"Well you're certainly acting like it!" TOUGA: Bicker, bicker, bicker . . . when's the wedding and what will you name the kids? >"Stupid bitch!" UTENA: So much for this story's PG-13 rating . . . >Before he could even think Saionji's hand came down across Sienna's >face. HARD. ALL: YAY! Go Saionji! Hit her again! Harder! UTENA: I never thought I'd be *happy* to see Saionji smacking a girl around . . . >"Oww…" Sienna put a hand to her face, TOUGA [sighing]: And once again, the self-insert proves her power. Anthy usually falls down when Saionji hits her . . . >then glared up at Saionji. "I should've known. There's no such thing >as a perfect guy." She stood up, making sure to kick him in the gut >as she walked by. AKIO : Oh, what a vicious revenge. >Sienna packed up her CD and boom box and left the room, blinking away >tears. > >Jury lost a game of poker to Miki. > >Miki still couldn't find his shining thing. TOUGA: The riffers fell asleep from sheer boredom. >Nanami complained about how annoying these tiny showers were, letting >everything out in one sentence. > >Touga went to bed early- mainly to avoid Nanami, but also so he >wouldn't be dead on the slopes the next day. AKIO : Hmm . . . no stamina, Kiryuu? TOUGA: This just proves it--that guy's *not* me. >Utena felt sick. She had seen enough insanity for one day, and it was >only the beginning of their vacation. > >Anthy lost a game of poker to Chu Chu. MIKI: When did Chu Chu get there? UTENA: I don't know . . . but I can understand her losing to him. >Saionji sat up half the night sulking, and the other half of the >night whimpering and hugging his stuffed bunny. > >Sienna fell asleep. Making out with Saionji was quite the work out. TOUGA [pointing at the screen]: Want to make an issue of someone's stamina? How about *her*? >Back on the summit, the pine tree and the hunk of coal said good >night to each other and went to sleep. Tomorrow was another day, and >if they were lucky they would see the amazingly coordinated >snowboarder again. [ALL sigh] >And they all still had 6 days to go. UTENA: . . . what? AKIO: Oh no . . . >****************** TOUGA : And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky . . . >To Be Continued… ALL: NO! NOOOOOO!!!! [they rush for the doors, which open easily; the duelists flee the theater] [Duelist's door sequence . . . in reverse!] [1. You hand the Sword of Dios back to the Rose Bride and tell her you had a wonderful time.] [2. You suddenly remember your opponent. Thinking quickly, you point past him and shout "Look! It's Dios!" When he turns to look, you yank the rose off his chest.] [3. The acrophobia doesn't bother you this time, because you're busy reeling around deafened by the bells tolling your victory.] [4. Stopping at the basket, you snip your hasty stitches and return the decorations before getting back into the elevator to descend.] [5. The elevator stops--nearer the bottom this time--and you stroll down the remaining stairs.] [6. You try to reclose the gate properly, but the rippling water in the reservoir suddenly reminds you of all the soda you had before the fic, and you make a hasty exit to run for the lavatory.] [SoR bridge. ANTHY is sitting at a small table in the corner, sipping tea; CHU CHU is devouring cookies. The four duelists stumble out of the passageway] UTENA: There . . . there can't *really* be more of that fic--can there? AKIO: I hope not, but who can say for sure? MIKI [hands twitching]: I want to relax. I want to relax. I want to relax. ANTHY [pointing to a side passage]: There's a piano down there. MIKI: There *is*?! TOUGA: What *else* did you discover, Anthy? . . . wait, why didn't you die in agony as Mikage siphoned all the air out? ANTHY: Oh, he didn't do that. Mamiya broke that button. TOUGA: Oh. ANTHY: As to what I found, well, there are seven bedrooms, each with a bathroom . . . a fully-stocked kitchen . . . a library--that's where the piano is--and an entertainment room . . . UTENA: Not bad for a space-borne prison. [she looks around at the others] Look . . . we *can't* let him break us. We have to fight! No matter how bad it is, we have to be strong! TOUGA: You're such an inspiration . . . MIKI: I want a nap. AKIO: I just have one question . . . UTENA: What? AKIO: Where did that weasel get the money for all of this? [the Incoming Message light on the console begins to blink] TOUGA: What's *that*? ANTHY: The communication system. [she pushes the button and the Viewscreen lights up] [Observatory. MIKAGE is smirking into the Viewscreen; MAMIYA is in the background, surrounded by bits of wiring and a disassembled console of some kind] MIKAGE: Well? What did you think? [SoR] UTENA [visibly steeling herself to put on a good face]: It wasn't enough to break us! It was *supposed* to be funny, I guess, but really it was just irritating. And unlikely. The entire *school* goes overseas to America just for a skiing vacation? AKIO [looking bored]: The worst irritation was the very thinly-veiled, obnoxious self-insertion character who will probably prove to be better than the established characters at virtually everything, and who will inevitably get one or more of the established characters to fall in love with her. [he shrugs] You'll have to do better than *this*, Souji. MIKI: There were some spelling mistakes and some awkward structure, but the most annoying thing to me was the apparent copy-and-paste, the endless repetition of sentences and phrases. Most of those things weren't very funny the first time, and they didn't need repeating over and over again. TOUGA [folding his arms]: The poor characterization struck me as the most aggravating. Saionji acting like a sulky child, Juri portrayed as forgetful, Miki falling down, myself--well, *that* Touga--being easily flustered and embarrassed . . . along with certain inaccuracies-- especially the line about Utena learning how to ski from her father and the ignorance implied in the misconceptions regarding Miki's "shining thing"--made the whole fanfic into the literary equivalent of a hangnail. Annoying, slightly painful, and ultimately meaningless. [Observatory] MIKAGE: Oh. Uh . . . well, does anyone feel like begging for mercy? MAMIYA: I'll do it! MIKAGE: Shut up and keep working, Mamiya. I want that instrumentation repaired. [SoR. The duelists look around at each other] UTENA: You want us to . . . beg for mercy. [Observatory] MIKAGE: Well, yes. [SoR] AKIO: I think I speak for all of us when I say . . . [he bursts out laughing] [the others join in the laughter--except for ANTHY. She's trying to administer the Heimlich maneuver to CHU CHU, who's managed to get a piece of cookie stuck in his throat] [Observatory. MIKAGE glares hatefully into the Viewscreen as the duelists laugh uproariously] MIKAGE : I must plan further, I see. [louder] *Mamiya*! Push the button! MAMIYA: Right, Mikage-sama sir! [he tries to run over to the console, but tangles his legs in the wiring. He winds up tripping and slamming into MIKAGE, who topples over onto the console, smacking his forehead on the button] *PWOOSH*! Disclaimers and Legalese (in case you missed them the first time around) Original story written by: Callie Summers MSTing written by: Chris Rain Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and any other companies or individuals holding legal claim to them. I have used them here without permission, but hopefully I will not be viciously sued, as I will not be able to buy any more cool merchandise if I'm broke. ^_^ Comments may be sent to: rainclash@yahoo.com You can send negative comments, too, but I prefer more civilized discourse as befits mature adults in this society. Nyaaaaah!! >but you wouldn’t think that unless you had an extremely mean or >bizarre mind.