Scenes From An Elevator: An Idiotic Utena Spamfic By: Dreiser EPISODE THIRTY NINE: Bidding Madness SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the shadow of Tenjou Utena is seen sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. UTENA: (Fires off a barrage of nerf darts at random people from the elevator. Sighs discontented.) This is starting to get less than challenging. Unless I improve my technique I'll have no hope of defeating Akio. (Her eyes light up.) Wait! I have an idea! Instead of hitting just one person with my array of plush weaponry, I'll attack a large group. That will surely help my skills develop! (She gives a low chuckle and out of nowhere, produces a huge nerf rapid fire machine gun.) Prepare yourself, Ohtori. SCENE: Outside the Rose Garden. The girl groupies carry several thousand grocery bags as they happily chat amongst themselves. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. GIRL GROUPIE #45: (Exclaims.) We got so many ding dongs, that we're sure to make Miki the Hut-sempai glad! GIRL GROUPIE #6: (Nods.) And they were on sale too! GIRL GROUPIE #901: (Reads the bill.) For the low, low price of 534,200,000! That'll last him a week at the very least! GIRL GROUPIES: (Happily shout.) Luckyyyyy! (They're about to discuss more of their shopping joys when suddenly, a barrage of nerf darts descends upon them in a haze of plush insanity. The girl groupies all scream and run around trying to avoid the darts but this just makes it worse. Pretty soon they're covered from head to toe in them and collapsed in a big heap. Seconds after this happens, the door to the Rose Garden opens and Mamo... ehh, the Rose Bride steps outside.) ROSE BRIDE: (Gasps demurely on seeing the girl groupies.) Oh no! Who could've done this? (She studies them and frowns.) And why are they covered in nerf? SCENE: The main ballroom in the French Le Ramada Inn. A huge crowd has gathered for the auction to keep AniLesboCon running for ten years instead of nine. On stage is the MC for the event, Yanagida Ichino. Sitting in the back of the ballroom on comfy chairs and behind a long desk and on a way too tall platform are Arisugawa Juri, Tenoh Haruka, and Kaioh Michiru. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. ICHINO: (Mutters to herself.) Why the hell am I MC for this? In fact, why am I MC for most everything here? It's not like there aren't more charming, prettier, sexier, chicks here who got bigger boo... (She turns red.) Booties! KRIS: (From audience.) Start the bidding, board girl! ICHINO: (Turns redder.) Shut up, hippie! (She groans and shakes her head.) Oh well, I guess I'll start the show. Maybe if I'm lucky Arisugawa will con Akane into being the MC for the next event. She and Madoka are sorta perky. (Icchan frowns.) Sorta. (Sighing again, she reaches for the microphone, taps it then says happily.) So who's here to bid for some dates with Anime lesbians? CROWD: (Gleeful shouts.) Icchan!! ICHINO: (Twitches.) Why do they always say that? (She shakes her head.) Okay, try again. (She repeats.) So who's here to bid for some dates with Anime lesbians? CROWD: (Gleeful shouts.) Icchan!! ICHINO: (Huge groan.) I give up. (Reaching into the pocket of her bathing suit like outfit, which somehow has pockets, she pulls out her note cards.) Lets just start with the bidding, shall we? (She blinks at the first name on her card.) Eh... all right... (Tucking the card away, she gives a wide grin then says.) Our first lovely lady is none other than everyone's favorite Sailor Senshi of Love and Justice, the always charming Sailor-- 27% OF CROWD: (Shouts.) Venus!! 39% OF CROWD: (Shouts.) Mars!! 41% OF CROWD: (Shouts.) Jupiter!! 50% OF CROWD: (Shouts.) Neptune!! 53% OF CROWD: (Shouts.) Uranus!! (By now you've surely noticed that the Author chooses not to follow the rules of modern mathematics. It's best to just accept this and not dwell on it too long.) AUTHOR: (Nods solemnly.) Math sucks. (We now return to our previously scheduled shouting.) 78% OF CROWD: (Shouts.) Mercury!!! HARUKA: (From a distance.) What?! She gets more shouts than me?! That's a travesty! 3% OF CROWD: (Shouts shrilly.) Chibi Moon! (The rest of the crowd stares at the 3% in horror.) 47% OF CROWD: (Calmly state.) Saturn. 42% OF CROWD: (Even calmer, but they boom.) PUU. ICHINO: (Sweatdrops as the shouting finishes and then laughs nervously.) Sailor Moon! (The entire crowd is dead silent and the only sound is the sound of crickets. How crickets got into the con remains a mystery though. Maybe they're lesbian crickets.) SAILOR MOON: (Stomps on stage. She looks severely pissed off.) What's with you people?! I'm their leader, I'm the head Senshi, I run the harem! They worship me and so should you! C'mon, start the bidding! (The entire crowd just stares at Sailor Moon. A few crickets jump on stage and land on her foot.) SAILOR MOON: (Glares at the crickets.) Don't touch unless you're willing to bid on me. (The crickets pale and hop back into the relative safety of the crowd. Sailor Moon puts her hands on her hips.) Well?! Bid!! (Far in the back of the ballroom, Haruka and Michiru stare at a rather embarrassed Juri.) JURI: (Tugs at her collar. Offers lamely.) I had to let her be in the auction. She threatened me with her lovely heart pocky glitter Moon club. HARUKA: (Shivers.) That thing's scary. JURI: (Nods quickly.) I know! (Meanwhile, on stage, Sailor Moon hasn't gotten any bids and Icchan is looking at her note cards.) ICHINO: (Reads to herself.) In an embarrassingly low bid situation, try to get the contestant off stage smoothly. You can do it, Icchan! Remember, persistence, spirit, and guts! (She squints at the crowd and growls.) Akarrrri. I told you not to mess with my MC note cards! AKARI: (Kawaii.) Sorry, Icchan! ICHINO: (Approaches Sailor Moon.) Hey, I think I heard Tuxedo Kamen calling for you Moon girl, why don't we-- SAILOR MOON: (Glares at Icchan.) Not until I get them to make a bid. (She points her wand, scepter, whatever, at the wall and blows a huge hole in it.) Bid on me!! ICHINO: (Pales a whole lot. Squeaks.) Ack! (She backs away slowly then produces a cell phone out of the pocket of her bathing suit type outfit.) I need help. (The back of the ballroom with the cool folks.) JURI: (Answers her cell phone.) Arisugawa. ICHINO: (On the phone.) She won't leave the stage and she's really friggin' scary! Worse than Mylandah! JURI: (Frowns.) Don't try to move her. You're our best MC, Yanagida. We need you. ICHINO: (Scowls.) About that... can't you at least get one or two other MCs? I mean, I'd like to have some free time on my hands. With how many hours I'm working I hardly ever get to see Akari and I think she's starting to fall into Kris' hippie web of seduction. JURI: (Studying her nails.) I'll look into that, I promise. For now, just do your job and avoid her. ICHINO: (Protests.) But-- (Juri hangs up on her. She scowls some more at the phone.) Stupid fencer. JURI: (Turns to Haruka and Michiru.) Your precious princess refuses to get off stage. Maybe you can help me resolve the situation, hmm? (Haruka and Michiru exchange a look.) HARUKA: (Shrugs.) Why not. (On stage. Icchan is busy staring at Sailor Moon who's harassing the crowd to try and get a bid. Moments later, Saturn walks on stage and the crowd erupts. Icchan blinks and tries to make out what they're saying.) SATURN: (Walks up to Sailor Moon and taps her on the shoulder with her glaive.) Yo. SAILOR MOON: (Frowns at Saturn.) What? SATURN: (Points her glaive at Sailor Moon. It's centimeters away from her face.) Mama and Papa say that it's against the rules of the Moon Kingdom for the Princess to auction dates with herself off. It's just too tacky. Please get off the stage, Usagi. SAILOR MOON: (Frowns more.) I didn't know that rule! SATURN: (Eyes glitter.) It's new. ICHINO: (Runs over to Saturn and grabs her hand, holding it high in the air, she shouts happily.) We have a winner! 507,000 dollars for Sailor Saturn! RANDOM VOICE: Shouldn't that be francs? JURI: (From a distance.) We're Japanese, not French! RANDOM VOICE: (Pauses.) Then... shouldn't it be yen? ICHINO: (Rolls her eyes.) Look, I don't care what the currency is. She's been auctioned off already. SATURN: (Blinks.) Auctioned? Me? ICHINO: (Grins widely.) You're a hit, kid. Now go on and meet the lucky gal who won you. SATURN: (Blinks more.) How did this happen? PRETTY SAMMY: (Bounds on stage and hugs Saturn tightly.) Chibi-Usa never really appreciated you, but now you're all mine! We'll make the best team ever! SATURN: (Tilts her head to one side.) Sasami? Since when did you start dressing like that? PRETTY SAMMY: (Shrugs.) Always. Everyone on Jurai likes to play dress up, you know. (Suddenly there's a huge sound of rage and Chibi Moon stomps on stage looking particularly sugar filled.) CHIBI MOON: (Hella angry.) What do you mean I don't appreciate her?! Hotaru is my snuggle bunny! SATURN: (Turns bright red.) ... PRETTY SAMMY: (Points her heart shaped whatever at Chibi Moon.) Then why didn't you bid on her, hmmm? SATURN: (Frowns at this. She turns to face Chibi Moon and demands.) Yeah! Why didn't you? CHIBI MOON: (Looks embarrassed.) I was getting candy when the bidding went on. (She brightens up and pulls out a box of black licorice.) I got this for you, Hotaru! SATURN: (Smiles sweetly at Chibi Moon.) My favorite. PRETTY SAMMY: (Rolls her eyes and huffs.) That's just fine and whatever, but I won the bid. (She grabs Saturn's hand and pulls her close.) She's mine. CHIBI MOON: (Emits pink battle aura.) Fine. If you want to play it that when then we'll play it that way. PRETTY SAMMY: (Emits blue battle aura.) Lets go. (Chibi Moon and Pretty Sammy start cat fighting while Saturn dimly watches this go on. Icchan and Sailor Moon are having the same reaction.) SATURN: (Quiet surprise.) Girls... fighting over me...? ICHINO: (Snaps out of her shock. She faces the crowd and gives a charming smile.) Time for a commercial! This auction is brought to you by our sponsor... (A huge screen drops down and a picture of scantily clad Shampoo holding a bowl of ramen is seen. Emblazoned on it are the words: Nekoken, sexy Chinese eatin'! Along with the phone number to contact them.) ICHINO: (Smiles and rubs her tummy as the screen rises.) It's mmm mmm good. (The fight is still going on and she sighs.) Where's security when you need them? SCENE: Somewhere in Ohtori. Most of the security team for AniLesboCon sits in a strip joint. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. SECURITY TEAM: (Drunken shout.) Take it off! SCENE: The main ballroom in the French Le Ramada Inn. A huge crowd has gathered for the auction to keep AniLesboCon running for ten years instead of nine. On stage is the MC of the event, Yanagida Ichino. Sitting in the back of the ballroom on comfy chairs and behind a long desk and on a way too tall platform are Arisugawa Juri, Tenoh Haruka, and Kaioh Michiru. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. ICHINO: (Heaves a sigh.) Never mind. SAILOR MOON: (Falls out of her pissed off mode and moves into a more dangerous one. Sad mode. She bursts into tears.) Why won't anyone bid on me??? SMOOTH VOICE: (Calls out.) 5,000,000 dollars! (Everyone turns around to see the new and improved, and strangely shorter, Tuxedo Kamen looking damn smooth.) TUXEDO KAMEN: (Walks on stage and presents Sailor Moon with a crystal rose.) But can I really put a price on the most precious thing on this Earth? SAILOR MOON: (Clasps her hands over her heart and her eyes turn glittery.) Oh, Mamo-chan... (She's about to say more when something occurs to her and she frowns severely.) Why did you just bid on me now? Where were you before when I was yelling at the crowd?! TUXEDO KAMEN: (Blinks.) You yelled? SAILOR MOON: (Blushes.) Ehm, demurely shouted. (She shakes her head.) Whatever! Where were you?! TUXEDO KAMEN: (Looks over at Chibi Moon who's still battling with Pretty Sammy.) I was buying candy for Chibi-Usa. She ran out of candy cash yesterday after she got that five pounds of fudge. (He reaches into his cape and produces a box of chocolate covered cherries.) But I got this for you, Usako. SAILOR MOON: (Eyes glitter again as she takes the candy.) Oh, Mamo- chan! You got me food, I do love you! (Sailor Moon embraces Tuxedo Kamen who continues to look damn smooth as he wraps an arm around her waist as they walk off stage. Along the way, he produces a random net and captures Chibi Moon and Pretty Sammy in it, then drags them off stage with them. Saturn follows.) ICHINO: (Watches them depart.) And thank you, Tuxedo Kamen! (She looks at the crowd.) Well? Wasn't that damn smooth of our favorite lesbro?! (The crowd cheers.) I thought so too. Now lets move on with the bidding, shall we? (More cheers.) She's blonde, she's heroic, and she's a knight! Rapier Saris! (Rapier walks out on stage and Icchan is about to say something more but her cell phone rings. Frowning, she answers it and holds up a hand to quiet the crowd who already started bidding on Rapier.) ICHINO: (Confused.) Huh? But why? (Pauses and she scrunches up her nose.) Are you kidding me? Okay, okay! Yeesh, don't get so pissy about it. (She ends the call and looks at the crowd.) Sorry folks, but it looks like Rapier is hands off. No bidding on the security team staff. It's now against the rules or it always has been. I dunno. RAPIER: (Looks disappointed.) A shame. I wanted to help Juri-san when I found out about her troubles. Very well, I'll go make my apologies to her. (Rapier walks off stage followed by sad sighs from the crowd who don't get to bid on her. Meanwhile, we move to the back of the ballroom with the cool folks.) MICHIRU: (Stares at Juri.) What rule? JURI: (Nervous laughs and looks upwards.) I just think that the staff shouldn't be a part of the auction, that's all. HARUKA: (Smirks.) Whatever you say, Arisugawa. RAPIER: (Bounds onto the platform and stands on the table in front of Haruka. She ignores the blonde Senshi and kneels to look at Juri.) Juri-san. Forgive me for not knowing about such rules. I only wanted to help you. JURI: (Waves her hand.) It's all right, Saris-san. RAPIER: (Takes Juri's hand and stills it.) Rapier. JURI: (Dimly.) What? RAPIER: (Leans closer.) Call me Rapier. JURI: (Stares at the knight and whispers.) Rapier. HARUKA: (Munching on the popcorn she produced out of nowhere.) This is getting good. MICHIRU: (Nods and eats popcorn.) Definitely. JURI: (Glares at them.) Do you mind? HARUKA & MICHIRU: (Continue to eat and watch.) No, not at all. Please continue. JURI: (Heaves a sigh.) Why me? (On stage, Icchan is looking at her note cards again.) ICHINO: (Eyes widen.) Not them again! (She growls at Juri who she can vaguely see blushing at Rapier in the far back of the ballroom.) Dammit, Arisugawa! You know I hate dealing with these two. They're always trouble. (She sighs then mutters.) Might as well get it over with. Okay, for our next bid, you get not once, but two ladies to spend your money on! They're bad tempered, leather wearing, motorcycle chicks. Priss and Priss! PRISS #1: (Original one, durh. Frowns.) Bad tempered? PRISS #2: (2040 version, durh x 2. Smirks.) Motorcycle chicks is pretty good description though. PRISS #1: (Nods.) I dig that. ICHINO: (Looks at the Prisses warily. Says to herself.) They're getting along for once. Thank the gods. (Shaking her head, she faces the crowd.) Lets start the bidding! PRISS #2: (Gets bored with listening to people cry out their bids on them and looks at her counterpart.) I bet you whoever wins this will want to spend more time with me. PRISS #1: (Scowls.) Why would you say that... copycat? PRISS #2: (Scowls as well.) Because I'm the more interesting Priss of us both. And I'm better drawn to boot. PRISS #1: (Snorts.) You're an El Hazard rip off. PRISS #2: (Harshly.) Yeah? Well, you're an Anime dinosaur that should be in a museum somewhere! PRISS #1: (Eyes narrow.) That's it... PRISSES: (Shout.) You're going down! (The Prisses proceed to start brawling on stage while Icchan finishes the bidding process.) ICHINO: (Happily.) Sold to Sylia and Sylia! (As the two versions walk on stage, Icchan says to them.) Please take them as far away from me as possible. SYLIA #1: (Don't make me type it again.) Don't you worry in the slightest, Icchan... SYLIA #2: (Don't make me type it again.) They're going someplace very special with us. ICHINO: (Watches the Sylias drag off the Prisses who continue to direct insults at each other. Heaves a sigh.) I really hate dealing with those two. (Faces the crowd.) All right! Time for the next bid- (Before Icchan can say anything more, the back wall to the ballroom crashes down and Shampoo appears on stage holding her traditional take out box. Now the ballroom has two huge holes in it, or rather one giant hole.) SHAMPOO: (Happily.) Nihao! (She produces a small piece of paper and says.) Shampoo have the three flavor ramen ordered for Lina Inverse. Pay before eating! LINA: (Shouts.) I'm in the back of the room! SHAMPOO: (Squints and covers her eyes.) Shampoo see! Get money ready and she bring food to you! (She's about to do just that when Icchan taps on her shoulder. Looking at the Battle Athlete, she frowns.) What you want? ICHINO: (Points to the huge hole in the wall. There seems to be more hole than wall now.) Why couldn't you have just rode your bike through the other huge hole that we had instead of making a brand new one? SHAMPOO: (Frowns.) No fun. ICHINO: (Sighs and says.) Yeah, well- (Her cell phone rings and she answers it.) Icchan. (Blinks.) What? I don't want to tell her that... no way! (Sighs again.) Fine, fine, I just want you to know that if she asks, it's your idea. (She hangs up the cell phone then steps in front of Shampoo.) It seems we have a last second auction entry, folks! She's destructive, she's sexy, she just can't speak grammatically correct, she's Shampoo! SHAMPOO: (Frowns more as people start to bid.) What happening? LINA: (From audience.) Gimme my ramen! SHAMPOO: (Hands on hips.) Pay first, sneaky sorceress! ICHINO: (Claps her hands together loudly.) And the final bid for Shampoo goes at 1 million dollars!! Thank you for your shapely obsession, ladies! Will the winner please come on down? SHAMPOO: (Frowns.) Shampoo not know what happening but she knows she not like it one little bit. ICHINO: (Nervous laugh.) Is that so? Well, just remember that Arisugawa was the one who decided you should pay off the damages you cause when delivering food by being auctioned off for a date here, okay? SHAMPOO: (Demands.) What you saying?! (As Icchan smiles nervously and the person who bidded on Shampoo nears, the scene fades to black.) To be continued... The coolest characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I write when extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's spam, spam, spammmm! Send donations to: dreiser0@earthlink.net The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will AniLesboCon (now) 2001 still be going on?! Who bidded on Shampoo?! Why didn't anyone want Sailor Moon?! And what's up with Juri and Rapier?! Stay tuned! Chat with me on Yahoo Messenger! I'm dreiser3. Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at: http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/Dreiser/dreiser.html To read SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fics go to: http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/UFR/ Listen to the excellent SFAE radio production here: http://michiru.com/utena/ AniLesboCon 2001; Because the best women are animated: http://www.shoujoai.com/~anilesbocon/ A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION: "Bouncy... bon bons..." -Koinosuke; Jubei-chan- NANAMI: (Blinks.) Okay... MAZE: (Ponders.) Hmm. NANAMI: (Looks at her.) What is it? MAZE: (Faces Nanami.) I think it's time we departed from this place, my love. NANAMI: (Blinks again.) Wuzzat? MAZE: (Sweeps Nanami up in her arms.) The credits of an incredibly stupid spamfic is not the place for you! We should be on some exotic island sipping mai tais! NANAMI: (Swoons.) Oh, Maze! MAZE: (Runs off.) Let us depart and allow some other refuse to take over analyzing her dimwitted quotes! (Maze and Nanami disappear leaving a cloud of dust behind and there's just the echoing sound of silence.) AUTHOR: (Dim tones.) Damn. Now who am I supposed to stick in the credits?