Scenes From An Elevator: An Idiotic Utena Spamfic By: Dreiser EPISODE THIRTY SEVEN: Infidels 'R' Us SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the shadow of Tenjou Utena is seen sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. UTENA: (Holds up her nerf dart gun and adjusts it so a sighting scope is placed on it.) Soon... soon... the order I placed for infrared vision will come in. And then, after that the order for heat seaking nerf bullets... (Utena bursts out into mad laughter. This goes on for several seconds before she notices just how insane she sounds and stops laughing abruptly.) UTENA: (Coughs quietly. Looks up at elevator ceiling.) Sorry. (She squints a bit.) Who am I apologizing to? AUTHOR: (Pops up out of nowhere.) Uhm, your loyal readers who love you despite your inate OCCness is this dinky folly of a spamfic? UTENA: (Ponders this.) Oh yeahhhh, them. I forgot. (She holds up her nerf gun and chuckles again.) Now, to fire on my first victim... ehhhh, I mean... practice target. (Utena fires a nerf dart off into the distance. The sound of a faint 'thwap' and a yell of pain is heard. Utena forms a rather evil smile at its sound.) Excellent... SCENE: Somewhere in Ohtori. Shinohara Wakaba glares up at the nerf dart stuck to her forehead. With a growl, she pulls it off and it makes an audible 'pop'. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays in the background. WAKABA: (Glares at nerf dart she holds in her hand.) All right... who in the hell shot this thing at me? (There's an overwhelming silence as all the nameless Ohtori students around Wakaba back away and a lone wind blows by, ruffling her hair.) WAKABA: (Scowls and squeezes nerf dart in her hand, trying to destroy it. But, of course, it doesn't work. Nerf is the almighty undestroyable foam, you realize.) Someone better at least tell me where the arrow came from! Or else I'll just with hold my sugar supplies from everyone!! (Everyone pales at this and start offering various directions which the arrow came from. This information doesn't much help Wakaba though, because they're all saying it came from opposing sides.) WAKABA: (Mutters.) Why do I even try? SCENE: The ultra cool penthouse suite of the French Le Ramada Inn. Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh Haruka both stare at the figure of their daughter, Arisugawa Tenoh Ai, who's looking rather sheepish. Next to her stands the Mascot for AniLesboCon, Yuriko. On the couch, Kaioh Michiru sits watching the entire scene while Kiyone and Rapier Saris stand nearby. Oh, and the bunny thing of Satan, Mokona, is being comfortably held in Ai's arms. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays in the background. JURI: (Eyes narrow. Low tones. Begins.) You do realize, young lady... HARUKA: (Eyes narrow. Low tones. Ends) That you are in SO much trouble! AI: (Shifts nervously from foot to foot as she hold Mokona.) I didn't mean to worry you, Mommies! But Michiru told me to get away from the crazy people and find someone normal. So I looked and I looked and I looked and... well... (Ai leans closer to Juri and says in confidential tones.) Did you know that there really aren't a lot of normal people here in Ohtori, Mommy Juri? Most of the ones I met were just plain... eh... insane. It's okay though, because Mokona managed to find one of the few sane people and led me to Yuriko-san! (She beams as she looks down at Mokona who she holds.) Didn't you Mokona? I'm so grateful to you! MOKONA: (Puffs up proudly.) Puuu! Puu puu! JURI: (Carefully moves her gaze to Yuriko.) So, it seems our faithful Mascot was with my daughter all this time. YURIKO: (Offers a hesitantly charming smile.) Juri-san, I was bringing her back here... we just stopped for lunch... HARUKA: (Twitches a bit.) Lunch?! She can't have lunch! YURIKO: (Blinks.) Why not? She does get hungry. I know she was made to be perfect but-- HARUKA: (Growls and moves closer to Yuriko.) Don't act funny with me... I know your type. You're my type! I saw your character designs... you're a flirt! A damn good one, and if there's one thing that I don't want, it's for my daughter to end up with someone like me! JURI: (Sighs wearily.) That didn't sound good, Tenoh. I think you just insulted yourself a great deal. HARUKA: (Glares at Juri.) Do you think I care? And you! This is your fault! Why did you hire a playboy Mascot?! JURI: (Eyes narrow.) I don't have to defend myself to you. Yuriko was chosen because she'd attract more fans-- HARUKA: (Snorts.) As if we need more of those. This is your convention. All your nutjob fanatics are already busy setting up permenant residence! JURI: (Produces a sword out of nowhere.) That's it! I'm sick of you acting superior to me! I'm going to poke you!! (Before Juri can... eh... well, apparently she wants to poke Haruka, I have no idea why... but before she can consider doing this, Ai jumps in front of her.) AI: (Arms spread wide.) Mommy Juri! Don't do this, please! I don't want my Mommies fighting... especially because of me... please stop! (She turns around to face Haruka now.) And Mommy Haruka, all that Yuriko-san and I did was eat salad. We're just friends but, you know, one day I will date and I rather you not beat them up. (Haruka seems to contemplate this while Michiru sighs and rises to her feet then walks towards her.) MICHIRU: (Sharply grabs Haruka by the ear and leads her out of the hotel suite.) Come on... I think you need to be taught a little lesson... HARUKA: (Whines petulantly.) Michiru... that hurts! I asked you not to do this in front of other people, it's really embarassing! MICHIRU: (Eyes Haruka.) Well, I wouldn't have to do this if you weren't acting so stubborn, would I now? (At this, Haruka silently grumps and Michiru smirks. She then waves goodbye as she walks out.) We'll see you later, Ai-chan. You be a good girl! AI: (Smile widely and waves back.) I will! Bye Michiru! Bye Mommy Haruka! See you later! JURI: (Staring at Yuriko.) Just friends, correct? YURIKO: (Coughs nervously.) Correct! JURI: (Eyes Yuriko ultra closely.) Very well then. KIYONE: (Heaves a sigh.) It looks like our work is done then. (She eyes her watch.) My non-Mihoshi time is up so I better rescue Ayeka from her I guess. The last time I left them alone for too long Ayeka got caught in cannon fire. (Kiyone walks out of the penthouse suite. Everyone turns to look at the too cool Rapier Saris who has been quietly watching everything that has gone on.) JURI: (Clears her throat.) Thank you for your time, Saris-san... I appreciate it your efforts. RAPIER: (Gives a low bow.) It was entirely my pleasure, Juri-san. Call on me again if you should require anything. (With that, Rapier turns on her heel and walks out of the suite while Juri stares after her blankly. All is silent for a moment before Ai gives a long wolf whistle.) AI: (Ends her whistling.) Damnnnnnn, she was really hitting on you, Mommy Juri! And it was so smooth too, almost as good as Mommy Haruka's come ons! JURI: (Turns red and looks at Ai.) Ai-chan! Rapier-san was just being... gallant. Don't jump to conclusions. AI: (Pouts a bit.) Awww, but conclusions are fun to jump to. (She smiles at Mokona.) Don't you think so Mokona? MOKONA: (Nods his head fiercely.) Puu, puu puu! JURI: (Grumbles.) That's easy for you to say... (Her gaze rests on Yuriko who smiles nervously.) Huh. (She strides over to Yuriko and grabs her by the arm.) Come with me. I think I have just the job for you. YURIKO: (Warily.) That's... good? AI: (Watches them exit. She frowns at looks down at Mokona who she still holds.) I wonder what sort of job Mommy Juri is talking about? MOKONA: (Sly tones.) Puuuuu... AI: (Gasps and giggles.) That's too naughty! (Suddenly, the penthouse door creaks open, who know why it's even creaking... it's a fancy hotel, after all, and someone walks into the room. Ai stares at them.) Hello. TIGER: (Steps into the light revealing that she's wearing cool hat that Faust tried to steal from her when he was a little kid and not a bastard. Oh, that and she's wearing her strange business casual outfit from SMJ Again.) Hello. (Ai and Tiger continue to stare at each other.) AI: (Laughs a bit.) Sooooo... why are you here? I mean, you're a Marionette and definitely not a lesbian. TIGER: (Small smile.) I'm your new bodyguard. One of your mothers hired me. I'm not at liberty to say which one. AI: (Blinks.) Was it Mommy Juri? TIGER: (Unconvincing face.) No... AI: (Beams widely.) So it was her! I knew it had to be her. Mommy Haruka isn't nearly as efficient. (She blinks.) But why do I need a bodyguard anyway? TIGER: (Quirks an eyebrow.) Your parents perhaps? AI: (Face of realization.) Ohhhhhh. (Sheepish laugh and smile.) Yeah, I think I sorta forgot all about the superior lesbian genetics deal I have going on. (Tiger simply smirks at this and looks cool.) AI: (Thoughtful expression.) Although... why are you the only one here? I mean, where are the other Saber Dolls? I thought you guys were always together. TIGER: (Shrugs.) We usually are. But I'm flying solo in this fic. Mainly because the Author likes me best. AUTHOR: (Giddy tones.) Tiger's so cool in her hat! AI: (Groans hugely.) God... you're perky again. I'm not dealing with you. End the scene now, okay? SCENE: Unknown location. Lucrezia Noin stands holding a comb in her hand. She gives the tiniest of smiles. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. NOIN: (Smiling still.) My hair is stylish. SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko are seen. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. AI: (From a distance.) Stop writing random Noin scenes!!! C-KO: (Blinks.) Uhmmm... is she talking to us? B-KO: (Evil grin.) Who cares? Soooo.... muwahaha-- C-KO: (Stares funny at B-ko.) Muwahaha? What's that? B-KO: (Irritated.) My evil laugh! (She ignores C-ko and whirls around, still glaring evilly.) So! Did you get a lot of hate mail... FRENCH Author of this dinky spamfic?! AUTHOR: (Coughs.) Ehh... actually... no. I don't think people even care that I'm French. I'm so happy! Now I know it's true, if people really love you, they can accept even the most horrible parts of you! (Sobs.) People are really amazing sometimes. B-KO: (Twitches.) No one cared?! (She twitches even more and points out at the readers.) What sort of freaks are you that you don't care she's French?! Don't you have any sort of decency?! Don't you have standards?! A-KO: (Shrugs.) Well, I mean, why should they? It's not like she grew up in France. (Squints.) Did you? AUTHOR: (Shakes her head.) Nope. A-KO: (Looks at B-ko.) See? And I'm pretty sure that she doesn't like Jerry Lewis. What's the big deal? AUTHOR: (Shudders.) Eww... Jerry Lewis... B-KO: (Twitches extremely.) All of you are infidels! (Everyone watches as B-ko stomps away.) C-KO: (Dimly.) We're infidels? A-KO: (Heaves a sigh.) Go get a dictionary. (While C-ko goes off in search of a dictionary, the scene fades to the black.) To be continued... The coolest characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I write when extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's spam, spam, spammmm! Send credit card numbers and any hot tips about the location of my Pikachu to: dreiser0@earthlink.net The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will AniLesboCon (now) 2001 still be going on?! What sort of 'job' does Juri have for Yuriko?! How many people will Utena hit with Nerf darts?! Stay tuned! Chat with me on Yahoo Messenger! My i.d. is: dreiser3 Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at: http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/Dreiser/dreiser.html To read SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fics go to: http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/UFR/ Listen to the excellent SFAE radio production here: http://michiru.com/utena/ AniLesboCon 2001; Because the best women are animated: http://www.shoujoai.com/~anilesbocon/ A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION: "You impudent little rodent! Even WE don't have last names!" -Urd; Oh My Goddess!- NANAMI: (Blinks.) Hey... she's right. They don't. MAZE: (Ponders.) I guess they don't need last names because they're goddesses and should be known by their first names only? Sorta like rock stars? NANAMI: (Frowns.) I guess... still, she sounds mad. MAZE: (Shrugs carelessly.) It's Urd. NANAMI: (Chuckles.) True enough.