Scenes From An Elevator: An Idiotic Utena Spamfic By: Dreiser EPISODE THIRTY SIX: Secrets Revealed SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the shadows of Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya are seen sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. MAMIYA: (Eyes narrow.) I have a bad feeling... MIKAGE: (Frowns.) About what? Your new outfit? MAMIYA: (Scowls.) No, not that! About-- (Out of nowhere, a hand emerges on the floor of the elevator and the dazed face of Tenjou Utena is seen. Her eyes are wild and she looks, well, hella scary.) MAMIYA: (Leaps backwards.) Utena-sama! MIKAGE: (Looks at Mamiya.) Utena-sama? MAMIYA: (Laughs nervously.) Never mind! (He looks back at Utena who is pulling herself into the elevator and is staring up at them with her scary eyes.) Uhm... what are you doing here Utena-sam... Utena-san? UTENA: (Stares scarily at Mamiya and Mikage.) I'm here to train for my mission. The elevator belongs to me now. MIKAGE: (Frowns severely. Acts butch.) I'm sorry but you can't have the elevator, we need it! We're just minor characters but once we got into the elevator we had a scene no matter what every episode! Without the elevator, we'll never be written about in this fic again! UTENA: (Stares scarily at Mikage.) Your point being...? (Mikage and Mamiya meet each other eyes then slowly realize that not being written about in this particular fic is a blessing not a curse.) MIKAGE: (Rubs the back of his head.) Well, I guess that we'll be leaving then. Have fun in the elevator. MAMIYA: (Nods his head perkily.) Yes, have fun! UTENA: (Watches scarily as Mikage and Mamiya disappear into nothingness leaving her all alone in the elevator.) There's nothing fun about my mission... (She pulls a nerf dart gun out of pocket space. Her eyes glint and she looks even more scary now.) Mark my words, Akio. I will master the art of nerf dart gun shooting and once I do... I will destroy you!! (An ominous crash of thunder sounds after Utena says this and she blinks then looks around perplexed.) UTENA: (Murmurs.) That was weird. SCENE: The ultra cool penthouse suite of the French Le Ramada Inn. Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh Haruka both pace back and forth nervously. Kaioh Michiru lies on the couch, her eyes closed and a cold compress on her head. Kiyone and Rapier Saris watch Juri and Haruka pace while they take notes. Well, Kiyone takes notes and Rapier looks cool with her hand resting on her sword. And no, there's not any special subtextual meaning behind that statement. Trust me on this one. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. JURI: (Paces nervously.) We can't find her anywhere! I run this damn convention, I should be able to find her! HARUKA: (Paces nervously.) And we even searched the sealed off wing where all the people from Oniisama E are staying! Sainte-Juste attached herself to Arisugawa! JURI: (Paces nervously.) I had to offer her chewable Ranma 1/2 children's vitamins to pry her off me and she still kept calling me Miya-sama! HARUKA: (Paces nervously.) Once we managed to escape from the hell of that wing, we ended up on the floor where all the hentai girls were located. After that, well, frankly, it's all a big blur. JURI: (Paces nervously.) I can still feel their hands... HARUKA: (Paces nervously.) And despite all of our traumas, we couldn't find Ai! Our daughter is missing! JURI & HARUKA: (Stop pacing and turn to face Kiyone and Rapier.) So you have to find her!! KIYONE: (Talks to herself. Taking notes.) Basically what you're saying here is that Ai's lost and you can't find her... JURI: (Expression darkens.) Don't make me take away your non-Mihoshi time convention privileges, Kiyone. KIYONE: (Eyes widen. Waves her hands quickly along with the pad of notes she holds.) I take it back! I'm sorry! I'm sure we can find Ai for you, no problem. RAPIER: (Hand on her sword. Looks cool.) As of now I pledge myself and the use of my blade to you, Juri-san. (In a smooth movement, she bends down on one knee to take Juri's hand and kiss the top of it.) No matter what, I swear I will return Ai home safely. JURI: (Stares at Rapier. Blushes lightly and coughs.) Yes, well, thank you for that... HARUKA: (Narrows eyes. Snorts then elbows Juri in the side.) We got a missing daughter here, Arisugawa. Find a time to flirt with knighty knight later, okay? RAPIER: (Stands up and looks cool. Doesn't appear to notice the conversation between Juri and Haruka. Or if she does, she's so cool it doesn't bother her.) I think the first place that we should visit is the scene of the crime. (She turns to Kiyone.) Don't you agree, Detective? KIYONE: (Nods her head firmly.) Exactly. (Shifting her gaze, she looks over at Michiru who still lies on the couch with a cold compress on her head.) Ms. Kaioh? You said it happened in the lobby of the hotel? MICHIRU: (Moves cold compress.) Yes, we were walking through it when the mob approached us... they soon became unruly, trying to get at Ai. I told her to escape while she still could. The last time I saw her she was running out of the convention after Mokona. KIYONE: (Thoughtful tones.) Mokona... (She flips her notepad shut with a slight thump.) All right! I know what we have to do. To find Ai we need to find Mokona and to find him we just have to do one thing. (Everyone in the room looks extremely nervous except Rapier who still has her hand on her sword.) KIYONE: (Dramatic tones.) Talk to the Magic Knights! (There's a loud crash as everyone falls over. Well, everyone but Kiyone and Rapier who, of course, still has her hand on her sword and looks as cool as ever.) KIYONE: (Blinks.) Was it something I said? SCENE: The lobby of the French Le Ramada Inn. An intense battle is going on and several convention goers watch the Sailor Senshi fight another one of their usual stupid looking youma enemies. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. SAILOR MOON: (Falls on her butt.) Why did this have to happen in the middle of the most groupies contest?! I was the sure fire winner in that since I have so many people in love with me! (Sounds miserable.) They were going to give me a free sandwich too... a free sandwich! SAILOR MARS: (Twitches and glares at Sailor Moon.) Is that all our love and worship means to you? Free food?! SAILOR MOON: (Ponders this.) That and lots of nookie. SAILOR MARS: (Twitches again.) That's it--! (Sailor Mars is about to attack Sailor Moon, but probably not since Sailor Moon would just use her wiles, when their stupid looking youma enemy runs at her. It's almost about to tackle when out of nowhere, a glass rose flies at the youma and hits the ground. The glass rose shatters into little glass pieces and some of the pieces fly into the eyes of the youma. It screams in pain then runs away crying.) SAILOR MOON: (Stares at the shattered rose.) Uhm... SAILOR JUPITER: (Points towards the nearby balcony level where people going to the restaurant on the second floor walk.) Look! Up there! (Her expression darkens and she mutters to herself.) My first line in this fic and it has to be something that stupid... I hate this author... SAILOR MERCURY: (Sympathetic tones.) At least you got to have a line, Mako-chan. (She blinks.) Hey! I just got one too! And it was better than yours! SAILOR JUPITER: (Glares at Sailor Mercury then growls.) Ami-chan... don't force me to get out the pictures you took during your affair with Minako again... SAILOR MERCURY: (Shivers.) No, not that! MINAKO: (Runs past carrying a huge pile of chairs in her hands.) HEY! You can't insult me that way! Tons of people would like to have proof of their affair with me! (Suddenly, a loud cough sounds and everyone stops their conversations to look up at the balcony. Standing there in a very cool pose is Tuxedo Kamen. Although, for some reason, he seems different to all of them.) TUXEDO KAMEN: (Charming smile.) Hello all. SAILOR SENSHI: (Wear dim expressions.) What? TUXEDO KAMEN: (A bit exasperated.) I said hello! (He jumps down to the ground gracefully and stands in front of Sailor Moon. With a charming smile, he pulls out another glass rose and hands it to her.) A rose for a rose. SAILOR MOON: (Hesitantly takes the glass rose.) Uhm... Tuxedo Kamen-sama? Aren't you going to give your long winded and usually lame speech? TUXEDO KAMEN: (Husky laugh.) Of course not, Usako. I've decided that you're right, they are lame. From now on I'm going to be the best hunky sex slave I can be. (He gives a glittering smile.) Just for your sake only. SAILOR MOON: (Gets stars in her eyes.) Really? Do you mean it? (Her face changes and she looks skeptical.) You'll promise to ignore all other girls but me from now on? And stop spending so much time with your roses? TUXEDO KAMEN: (Moves closer and leans down to gaze deeply in Sailor Moon's eyes. It's hard to tell that he's doing this because of the mask he has on.) What other girls? No one exists for me but you, Usako. (He twitches slightly then mutters.) I hate any plant but Chia Pets... SAILOR MOON: (Gets stars in her eyes again.) Oh, Tuxedo Kamen-sama! I love you so much!! TUXEDO KAMEN: (Moves back after being jumped on by Sailor Moon in a fierce hug. He sounds smug.) Finally I get what I want.... a chance to act damn smooth. The role of Tuxedo Kamen was meant for Himemiya Anthy! SAILOR MOON: (Pulls back to look at Tuxedo Kamen.) Did you say something? TUXEDO KAMEN: (Nervous laugh.) No, of course not. (He offers his arm to her.) Why don't I take you out for a nice dinner, Usako? I heard they have excellent French cuisine in the hotel restaurant. (The rest of the Sailor Senshi watch as they walk away. Changing out of their Senshi forms, they're back in casual clothes as they ponder what they just saw.) HOTARU: (Thoughtful.) Is it just me or is Mamoru suddenly a lot shorter than he used to be? And did he always have purple hair and dark skin? (She looks over at Chibi-usa.) What do you think, Odango-chan? Does he look different to you? CHIBI-USA: (Shrugs indifferently.) He just sounded more soft spoken and feminine than usual. PUU: (Nods in agreement.) Plus he had breasts. (There's a long pause of silence as everyone but Puu sweatdrops on hearing this.) REI: (Slowly.) Did Mamoru always have breasts? ALL: (Consider this.) Uhmmmm... AMI: (She produces wire rim glasses from out of nowhere and puts them on, looking cutely smart.) All of this means one thing only! (Everyone studies Ami rather anxiously.) Mamoru has had a sex change operation!! (On hearing this, the entire group, except Ami, Hotaru, and Puu all topple to the ground. The latter of the two not falling over because they're too cool to do that.) MAKOTO: (Warily looks up at her lover from the pile of Sailor Moon characters she's buried in.) But Ami-chan that doesn't explain his purple hair or dark skin. AMI: (Holds up her index finger and beams widely.) Hair dye and tanning salons! You know how he likes to look as pretty as possible for Usagi. REI: (Groans and mutters.) It does make sense... sort of... CHIBI-USA: (Sits up and looks perplexed.) My Daddy is my Mommy now? I don't remember that in the future... REI: (Pats Chibi-usa on the shoulder.) Sorry kid, but the future is never definite, you know? Things change. MAKOTO: (Snorts.) Yeah, like Mamoru's sex. AMI: (Bats Makoto on the arm.) Mako-chan! MAKOTO: (Looks at Ami.) What? It was a good joke. HOTARU: (Sighs and looks up at Puu.) I assume that we're the only ones who realize that isn't Mamoru at all but rather someone who's taken his place? PUU: (Nods solemnly.) It would appear so. HOTARU: (Watches the other Senshi bicker.) Do you think we should tell them that? PUU: (Arches an eyebrow.) Is it worth the trouble? HOTARU: (Watches as Chibi-usa and Rei discuss tanning lotion techniques.) No, probably not. Still... I wonder who that was back there. Our new Mamoru, that is. PUU: (Wisely.) Someone who fits the part. HOTARU: (Stares up at Puu.) You like being mysterious, don't you? PUU: (Smirks.) It's the only fun part of my job description. SCENE: A random room in the French Le Ramada Inn. Kiyone and Rapier Saris both stand inside, looking a bit wary as they observe Shidou Hikaru and her harem. Oh, and the enormously pissed off/jealous Ryuuzaki Umi is futilely trying to get all the Anime lesbians to get away from her girlfriend. Hououji Fuu observes all this with a sweatdrop on her head. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. FUU: (Sweatdropping still. She adjusts her glasses and focuses on Kiyone and Rapier.) You're looking for Sir Mokona, you say? Why is that? KIYONE: (Solemn tones.) Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is missing and she was last seen following after Mokona. We need to ask him a few questions about her whereabouts. RAPIER: (Hand on her sword. Looks cool and nods.) Indeed. I've sworn to find Ai at any cost for Juri-san and I would die before I break my promise to her. FUU: (Blinks and looks at Kiyone. Leans closer to her and whispers.) Uhm... are she and Juri... ehhh... you know? KIYONE: (Whispers back.) I'm not entirely sure. It seems like she's just naturally gallant but you never know... FUU: (Whispers back again.) I heard that she had a horrible obsessional love for her former king though. And we do have a lot of straight Anime girls at this convention for Anime lesbians for some reason. (She pauses to think on this.) Myself included. Well, sort of, the only girl I'm attracted to is Hikaru-chan. She's just so kawaii. KIYONE: (Nods and whispers.) Yeah, I can understand. Mihoshi can be awfully kawaii too when not accidentally causing mass destruction. RAPIER: (Clears her throat.) Are we quite finished yet? (Kiyone and Fuu both jump apart and look nervous as they give anxious laughs. Rapier observes them and sighs.) RAPIER: (Hand on her sword. Looks cool. She focuses her attention on Umi who has managed to force the last of the Hikaru groupies out of their hotel room.) When did you last see Mokona? UMI: (Sits down next to Hikaru and slides an arm around her waist, saying nonverbally 'mine'.) Yesterday when we asked him to make us more funtime outfits. RAPIER: (Hand on sword. Looks cool but wary as she echoes.) Funtime outfits? HIKARU: (Kawaii nod as she smiles.) Yes! Umi-chan and I love to dress up like all sorts of people! Last night I got to be Clef and she was naughty Presea-- UMI: (Clamps a hand over Hikaru's mouth. She laughs very nervously.) Forget that you heard that. KIYONE: (Dryly.) We'll honestly do our best. FUU: (Sighs.) I wish that I could forget but sometimes I end up dressing up for Hikaru-chan too. KIYONE: (Sweatdrops.) I didn't need to hear that. RAPIER: (Hand on her sword. Looks cool.) You haven't seen Mokona since then? HIKARU: (Shakes her head.) No, not at all. Sometimes he gets like that though. Disappearing on us. UMI: (Face darkens and she growls.) Mostly in battle... HIKARU: (Kawaii laugh. Prods Umi gently in the side.) It always bothers Umi-chan so much when he does that! It's just his way though, Mokona always comes back to us. UMI: (Says more darkly now.) Unfortunately. KIYONE: (Looks at Rapier.) I think we've found out everything we possibly could from them, don't you? RAPIER: (Hand on sword. Looks cool and frowns.) Actually, I think there's probably a great deal more we-- KIYONE: (Leans in and whispers to Rapier.) I know but I think we should really get out of here. I mean, just look... (Rapier follows Kiyone's gaze and observes with wide eyes the sight of Umi and Fuu slowly undressing Hikaru.) RAPIER: (Hand on sword. Looks cool and backs out of the room extremely fast.) You're right, it's time to leave! HIKARU: (Kawaii frown as she notices the door to their room slamming shut.) I was going to ask them to join us. UMI: (Trails her hand up Hikaru's side.) Don't worry, Hikaru-chan... FUU: (Kisses Hikaru's neck.) We're more than enough to keep you satisfied... MOKONA: (Appears out of nowhere.) Puuuuuu!!!! UMI: (Whirls around to face Mokona. Growls.) Dammit, Mokona! Why the hell do you show up every time we're about to have hot group sex?! MOKONA: (Sneaky smile.) Puuuuuu, puu puu. FUU: (Interrupts and holds back an angry Umi.) Sir Mokona, I feel you should know that two members of the AniLesboCon security team were looking for you. They want to ask you some questions about the disappearance of Arisugawa Tenoh Ai. HIKARU: (Blinks.) ATA! ATA on vacation! UMI & FUU: (Stare dimly at Hikaru.) Hikaru...? HIKARU: (Looks sheepish.) Sorry, it's just the author of this dinky spamfic suddenly realized Ai's initials spell ATA and there's this dorky airline commercial that says, "ATA on vacation." For some reason she gave me the line. AUTHOR: (Is happy for once.) It's because you're just so kawaii, Hikaru-chan! HIKARU: (Kawaii smile.) I am, aren't I? UMI: (Shakes her head and grumbles.) Stupid author... (She suddenly notices that Mokona has gone missing yet again.) AUGH! He did it again! Every time he gets into an illegal situation he runs off to let us take the fall! Well, this time he's not getting away with it! I nearly had to spend a hundred years in a Cephiro prison because of his imported shoulder pad ring that he was operating! FUU: (Looks at Hikaru. Smiles.) I think Umi-chan needs someone to help calm her down, don't you? HIKARU: (Kawaii nod.) Oh, most definitely. UMI: (Still ranting.) And what about the time he told Ferio I thought my sword was better than his?! I nearly had to duel him to the death! Then there was the time he spied on my belly dancing lesson with Tatra--(She stops in her rant when she notices the fact that Hikaru and Fuu all are over her.) Uhm... hi you guys. HIKARU: (Kawaii but sexy smile.) Hi to you too. FUU: (Calm but sexy smile.) I echo those sentiments. (From a distance Umi can hear an enthusiastic 'puu' being said but ignores it as Hikaru and Fuu undress her.) SCENE: Somewhere in Ohtori. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is having a nice lunch with AniLesboCon Mascot, Yuriko. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays in the background. AI: (Smiles.) I like salad, don't you? YURIKO: (Smiles in return.) Salad is a good thing. (They remain in compatible silence eating their salads when Mokona hops towards them, 'puu'-ing away.) MOKONA: (Hops onto their table.) Puuuuu!! Puu! AI: (Blinks.) What? Mommy Juri and Mommy Haruka are blaming you for me being missing at the convention? MOKONA: (Nods his head.) Puu, puu puu! PUU! AI: (Skeptical expression.) And they sent Kiyone and Rapier to interrupt your hot sex session with the Magic Knights? Mokona... are you sure about that? MOKONA: (Eyes narrow.) Puuuuu. AI: (Holds up her hands haplessly.) All right, if you say so. I don't know what goes on with all of you. YURIKO: (Coughs.) Ai-chan? AI: (Jumps up a bit and looks at Yuriko with a somewhat apologetic face.) Yes, Yuriko-san? YURIKO: (Points at Mokona.) What is that? AI: (Sweatdrops.) Ehhhh... that's rather hard to explain. YURIKO: (Frowns.) It isn't an Anime lesbian, is it? AI: (Sweatdrops again.) No, it's definitely not that. YURIKO: (Appears satisfied.) Because I only know Anime lesbians and Anime would-be lesbians. You see, I was created for AniLesboCon. Anime... things... aren't officially a part of the convention right now. If they were then maybe I'd know what that creature is. MOKONA: (Insulted.) Puu puu puu! YURIKO: (Stares at Mokona. Eyes narrow.) Oh yeah?! Well, your Momma was a marshmallow! AI: (Watches Yuriko and Mokona argue.) I honestly have no idea what to say right now. So why don't we just move onto another scene? SCENE: Unknown location. Lucrezia Noin sits there in a pair of jeans and t-shirt. She gives the tiniest of smiles. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. NOIN: (Smiling still.) I look good in jeans. SCENE: Somewhere in Ohtori. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is watching AniLesboCon Mascot, Yuriko, argue intensely with the bunny thing of Satan, Mokona. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays in the background. AI: (Dry tones.) That wasn't what I meant and you know it. AUTHOR: (Giggles happily.) But it was so funny! I just love putting random Noin scenes into the fic! AI: (Sighs heavily.) You're way too caffeine filled and happy right now. I'm not going to talk to you. AUTHOR: (Bounces around.) You're so kawaii, Ai! And you're the most superior Anime lesbian ever! AI: (Rubs her forehead. Murmurs.) I'm starting to feel the burden of my genetics... AUTHOR: (Sympathetic tones.) Awww, poor baby. Do you really want the spamfic to be over with that much? I'll do you a favor and write the end scene starring the always insignificant Shadow Play Girls. AI: (Wearily.) Thank you... I think. SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko are seen. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. B-KO: (Rages.) The always insignificant Shadow Play Girls?! You stupid author! I'm gonna get you for that!! A-KO: (Sighs deeply.) Here we go again... C-KO: (Says quietly.) Should I hide the car keys? B-KO: (Faces them and wears an Utena-like scary expression on her face.) Don't worry... I'm not going to visit our dear spamfic author this time. No, instead I'll do something far worse than merely assaulting her. C-KO: (Shivers.) I'm getting scared... A-KO: (Yawns.) I'm getting a cold. (She sighs again.) So spit it out, B-ko. What are you going to do to her then? B-KO: (Mad and slow laugh.) I'm going to tell the whole world her most horrible secret!! AUTHOR: (Pops up out of nowhere.) NO! NOT THAT! B-KO: (Mad and slow laugh becomes louder and triumphant.) Yes, that! I'll tell them what you never wanted anyone to know! The reason behind why you're constantly mocking the French. (Her voice is evil now.) You've just been trying to hide the fact that... you yourself are one of them! You're French!! (An ominous crash of thunder and the horrified scream of the author sounds as the scene fades to the black.) To be continued... All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun. Send comments to: dreiser0@earthlink.net The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will AniLesboCon (now) 2001 still be going on?! How long will Kiyone and Rapier search for Ai?! Is Usagi ever going to notice that Anthy really isn't her sex slave, Mamoru?! And is the author of this dinky spamfic really French?! Stay tuned! Chat with me on Yahoo Messenger! My i.d. is: dreiser3 Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at: http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/Dreiser/ dreiser.html To read SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fics go to: http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/UFR/ Listen to the excellent SFAE radio production here: http://michiru.com/utena/ AniLesboCon 2001; Because the best women are animated: http://www.shoujoai.com/~anilesbocon/ A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION: "It took me a month to stop calling him Tamahome." -Yuki Miaka; Fushigi Yuugi- NANAMI: (Blinks.) Damn. And I thought I was a bitch. MAZE: (Nods dimly.) That is pretty mean of her. That poor guy... uhm... what's his name? NANAMI: (Shrugs.) Who knows? As far as she was concerned for a month it was definitely Tamahome. TAKA: (Wails off screen.) But I am Tamahome!! Sort of! MAZE: (Sweatdrops.) Okay... NANAMI: (Comforting tones.) Don't worry, you get to sudden outbursts after awhile. It's natural here. MAZE: (Mutters.) If anything is really natural here.