Scenes From An Elevator: An Idiotic Utena Spamfic By: Dreiser EPISODE THIRTY FIVE: Ai In Ohtori. SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the shadows of Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya are seen sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. MIKAGE: (Looks up at the title.) Uh oh. MAMIYA: (Plays with Mikage's hair.) What is it, Mikage-kun? You sound worried. MIKAGE: (Points up at the episode title.) It's that. MAMIYA: (Looks up at reads the episode title.) Hmm. If that means what I think it means then this place is going to get a hell of a lot weirder fast. And it's not going to be-- MIKAGE: (Interrupts as eyes get wide.) A wonderland. MAMIYA: (Nods wisely.) Exactly, Mikage-kun. SCENE: The Rose Garden. Himemiya Anthy stands there, looking utterly miserable as she paints the roses green and orange. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. ANTHY: (Sounds stuffed up. Sniffles.) Stupid clause in my contract. What sorta jackass writes it in that if any of the roses die so do I? Dammit. I hate caring for these stupid flowers! It just pisses me off! (She suddenly takes notice of a scuffling noise accompanied by a soft and charming hum. Moving through the roses in the garden, Anthy comes upon the figure of Chiba Mamoru. He's hunched over a bed of roses and is watering them with a can.) MAMORU: (Looks up at Anthy.) Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't know someone else took care of these roses. ANTHY: (Sniffs and rubs her nose.) Yeah, well, it's not by choice. It's my job around here. But what about you? Don't tell me you like being in this allergy causing place. MAMORU: (His eyes get sparkly and he clasps his hands to his chest rather girlishly.) I love it here! All of the roses are so nice to me and they're just terribly friendly! ANTHY: (Looks at Mamoru warily.) Uh huh... MAMORU: (Eyes get even more sparkly as he does a slight twirl at lightly touches the petals of nearby roses.) I think this is the most wonderful place in the world! If only I could stay here forever... I'd be so happy. (He sighs morosely as he continues.) No more trying to fight and getting beaten up, no more evil girls kidnapping me to be their sex slave, and best of all... no more tuxedo! (Now tugging on his tuxedo, he grimaces.) This thing is so formal and I wear it all the time. I want a change. ANTHY: (Considers all he's said carefully.) So... you really like it here then? MAMORU: (Sighs wistfully as he looks around.) Oh, I love it here. I feel like I belong here. The roses don't judge me, they simply accept me for who I am. ANTHY: (Slow and wary tones.) Right... (She forms an almost evil smile then continues on.) If you like it here so much then how would you like to take over my job and care for the roses yourself? You can become the Rose Bride in my place and live here always. MAMORU: (Gets excited.) I would love that! (His face suddenly falls.) But... I have my own duties, I'm afraid. As the future King of the Moon I have to be Usako's hunky sex slave for as long as she wants me. ANTHY: (Considers this.) Hmmm. Well, what if we traded? How about that? MAMORU: (Blinks.) Traded? ANTHY: (Nods eagerly.) You take my place as the Rose Bride and the prize in the duels here in Ohtori and I'll take your place as future King of the Moon and Usako's hunky sex slave. How does that sound? MAMORU: (Skeptical.) I don't know... ANTHY: (Sneezes abruptly. Wipes her nose and looks utterly miserable.) Please? I hate it here, always having to take care of these roses and painting them green and orange but you... you'd love it! And aren't you unhappy with the way your life is going? I bet anything that I'd enjoy living it far more than you are. MAMORU: (Murmurs thoughtfully.) That's true... (His eyes light up and he nods his head firmly.) All right! I'll do it! I'll switch places with you! From now on, Chiba Mamoru is the Rose Bride of the duels! ANTHY: (Smiles widely and takes his hand to shake it strongly.) And Himemiya Anthy is Tuxedo Kamen, the future Moon King and virtual sex slave! MAMORU: (Eyes sparkle enormously.) I'm so happy! ANTHY: (Eyes sparkle as well.) Me too! (She turns serious and locks their gazes.) But before we can really trade places, we need to take care of some things. MAMORU: (Blinks dimly.) What? ANTHY: (Forms a slow smile.) Just this... (Anthy drags Mamoru off and there's the sound of clothes being removed and loud thumping noises. When they both are in sight again Anthy is wearing Mamoru's tuxedo, top hat, and white mask. Mamoru in turn is wearing Anthy's Rose Bride dress, gold crown, and wire rim glasses. The both of them hold large boxes in their hands.) MAMORU: (Slightly stern.) Remember, read the Manga before you watch the Anime. It's more accurate and has a few characters that don't show up in the Anime. ANTHY: (Nods obediently.) And you remember to only watch the Anime, don't read the Manga because it's damn scary with Juri being in love with Touga. MAMORU: (Smiles happily.) I'll remember. Good luck with your new life, Tuxedo Kamen-sama. ANTHY: (Returns his smile.) And you with yours, Rose Bride. I wish you happiness. MAMORU: (Watches Anthy walk away.) I wish the same for you. (As soon as she's gone, he sets down the box full of Utena Anime tapes and hops around joyfully.) It's all mine! All of the pretty roses to paint and take care of are mine now! Can life truly get any better than this? SCENE: The lobby of the French Le Ramada Inn. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai hangs on the arm of Kaioh Michiru as the two of them walk through it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. AI: (Looks around and catches the eyes of several convention goers who stare at her in shock before they start drooling uncontrollably.) Uhm... Michiru? MICHIRU: (Smiles at Ai.) Yes, Ai-chan? AI: (Points a bit nervously at the gathering crowd of Anime women who surround them. All looking more than a bit wild with lust.) What do they want? MICHIRU: (Frowns and her eyes narrow.) All of you get back! She's just a child! FATORA: (Snorts.) She doesn't look that way to me. (Ogles Ai who scoots behind Michiru now.) Where did she come from anyway? An obscure OAV? MICHIRU: (Sniffs.) It just so happens that Ai is the daughter of MY Haruka and Juri-san. Washuu had a hand in creating her in a test tube apparently. She might look like a normal Anime teenager but she's only a few days old. Which is why I think you approaching her at this time would hardly be appropriate as-- AI: (Interrupts in a somehow kawaii and smooth way as she gives a sparkly smile.) Actually, I'm a week old. But I already know the complete history of the world. Even the icky stuff. Oh! And for some reason, Auntie Washuu gave me a lesson on advance hypothermodynamics and ratial components of time and space. Did you know that if you warp a turnip enough it can turn into a black hole? MICHIRU: (Blank expression.) Really...? AI: (Smiles and nods quickly.) Oh yes! It's fun to watch! PRISS: (Quirks an eyebrow.) Did she teach you anything about romance, hmm? What about that? AI: (Faces Priss and smiles again.) She just had a few books programmed into my memory about the subject. MYLANDAH: (Curious.) What books? LAHRRI: (Leaning on Mylandah.) Yes, what books? AI: (Smiles again, very perky now.) Kama Sutra! The version made for Anime lesbians, of course. Auntie says I'm the most well versed person in the world about all the different techniques they have in that book. (The entire crowd stares at Ai for a long moment before they suddenly reduce into a riot like status and all rush at her at the same time. Ai freezes for a moment but Michiru rushes to stand in front of her and transforms into Sailor Neptune, using her powers to hold off the mob.) SAILOR NEPTUNE: (Turns to yell at Ai. Is barely holding off the mob with her attacks.) Run for it, Ai-chan! I'll keep them away from you as long as I can! AI: (Eyes wide. Uncertain.) But I can't leave you... SAILOR NEPTUNE: (Grimaces and shouts.) Go!! If anything happened to you Haruka and Juri would surely skin me! Just try to find someone normal, they'll help you find your way back to them, Ai-chan! AI: (Uncertain still.) Someone normal...? (Just then, Mokona hops past making his usual 'puu' noises. Ai fixes her eyes on him and he waves one of his useless arms to her, as if telling her to follow him and he'll take her to someone normal. So Ai runs after Mokona and out of the convention.) SAILOR NEPTUNE: (Watches Ai exit. Huffs.) Good luck, little one... (She's tackled by several horny Anime lesbians.) Hey! Don't wrinkle my butt bow!! SCENE: Somewhere in Ohtori. Mokona is leading Arisugawa Tenoh Ai away from AniLesboCon and to someone who's, hopefully, normal. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. AI: (Running after Mokona.) This sucks and other four letter words Auntie Ryoko would use but Mommy Juri told me I can't say anymore! (Frowns.) Why did they all have to act that way? Just because I'm the daughter of the two coolest Anime lesbians in existence? (Sniffles.) I just want to be myself and be left alone! (She considers this in thoughtful tones.) Well, maybe not left alone... I do want to have a girlfriend if I ever meet the right person... MOKONA: (Pauses in his running. Looks back at Ai and waves his useless arms.) Puu! Puu puu puu! AI: (Shades her eyes and runs after Mokona who has just dashed into a cramped cave/tunnel thing.) Follow after you in there, you say? But it's awfully dark... and I don't think I have any sort of light powers. MOKONA: (Runs into the cave/tunnel thing.) Puu puu! AI: (Blinks and exclaims.) Hey, wait up! (She runs after Mokona into the cave/tunnel thing.) You're supposed to take me to someone normal! You promised! (Soon Ai finds herself running through the cramped cave/tunnel which gets smaller and smaller. Finally, she sees a light ahead and sighs in relief until the floor of the cave/tunnel suddenly disappears on her and she's now falling downwards at a strangely leisurely pace. All around her float various things like Sailor Moon mangas, Utena wallscrolls, unwrapped ding dongs, and multicolored roses.) AI: (Grabs a Sailor Moon manga. Reads.) Wowww. I didn't know Mommy Haruka liked to show her midriff this much! (Frowns and murmurs.) She's sorta racy. (Out of nowhere, the falling pace speeds up enormously and Ai now finds herself plummeting downwards quickly. Shouts in kawaii panic.) This isn't good!! I don't know if I was born with a parachute! (There's a loud thump, groans, and a 'puu' noise. When Ai then opens her eyes she finds herself inside of the infamous elevator for which this spamfic is named. She sits on top a squashed and somewhat irate Mokona.) MOKONA: (Groans weakly.) Puuuuuuu... AI: (Leaps off Mokona.) Oh! I'm so sorry, Mokona-chan! MOKONA: (Wearily sits up. Rubs his back with his tiny useless hands.) Puu puu puu.... AI: (She looks up to see two shadowed figures staring down at her and rises to her feet hesitantly.) Hello...? (The two figures in the shadows step forward to reveal themselves as Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya.) MAMIYA: (Eyes narrow.) It's a girl, Mikage-kun. MIKAGE: (Eyes narrow also.) So it seems, Mamiya-chan. AI: (Hesitant still.) Uhm... can you help me? I'm sort of lost and I need to find someone normal. So they can help me get back to AniLesboCon. Do you-- MAMIYA: (Interrupts. Cool tones.) Normal? Do we look normal to you, girl? MIKAGE: (Cool tones also.) Yes, do we look normal? AI: (Perplexed. She rubs the back of her head.) You look normal enough to me... why? MAMIYA: (Sniffs derisively.) Well, we're not! We're anything but normal! Because we are... MAMIYA & MIKAGE: (Hold onto each other and sing while batting their eyelashes.) Bishonen beauties! MIKAGE: (Spins Mamiya in his arms smoothly. Gives a glinting and charming smile.) Tell me if you think it's true, there isn't a thing a beautiful bishonen can't do! MAMIYA: (Clasps his hands and gives Mikage doe eyed look.) We bishonens can skip and hop! MIKAGE: (Pulls Mamiya to him by the waist so they're pressed together.) And we never have to pick up a mop! MAMIYA & MIKAGE: (Sing together as they remain in their romantical pose.) Oh, we're bishonens, yes it's true! Oh, we're beautiful, but you can't sue! MIKAGE: (Eyes glittering, he looks down at Mamiya.) I'm a bishonen beauty and I have a thing for you... MAMIYA: (Eyes glittering, he looks up at Mikage.) I'm a bishonen beauty and I have a thing for you too... AI: (Frowns and mutters.) Suddenly what they said seems all too true. They're not normal at all. MOKONA: (Looks disgusted. Waves his tiny useless arms and runs towards edge of the elevator.) Puuuuu! (Mokona then hurls his poofy form out of the elevator.) Puu puu! AI: (Eyes go wide.) That was extreme. (She looks over at Mikage and Mamiya who are still singing and grimaces.) I guess I really don't have any choice but to follow. (With a sigh, Ai walks to the edge and looks down.) Here's hoping that Auntie Washuu did give me a parachute. (After jumping out of the elevator, Ai once again finds herself falling at a strangely leisurely pace but this time, there isn't any various things floating all around her. Same as before, out of nowhere the pace of her falling speeds up and she thumps on the hard floor to some unknown area. This time Mokona is unsquashed and stands safely next to where she sits on the floor.) AI: (Groans and rubs her butt.) This can't be good for my ultra kawaii posterior... MOKONA: (Solemn tones. Points a useless arm towards two forms ahead of them.) Puu puuuuu. AI: (Eyes narrow.) Talk to them, you say? Well... okay. I hope they're better than the last ones though. (Nearing the forms, Ai soon sees that they are two handsome men, who look spectacularly alike and more than a bit dimwitted. The readers of this dinky spamfic know them best as Ohtori Akio and Dios. The men sit in recliners and one is talking to the other as they attentively watch some television program.) AKIO: (Watching TV.) Is there a reason why Judge Judy is so mean all of the time? DIOS: (Scratches his chin.) ... AKIO: (Tilts his head to one side.) Hmm, you're right. It could be a result of some horrible childhood trauma. DIOS: (Shrugs.) ... AKIO: (Nods slowly.) Or she could just be a bitch. DIOS: (He stiffens suddenly and whirls around to face Ai who is standing next to his recliner.) ...! AKIO: (Blinks and looks at Ai.) Hey, a cute girl. What do you know... I didn't know they could be delivered. AI: (Laughs kawaii nervous.) I wasn't exactly delivered. I'm just here by accident but I was wondering if maybe you could help me find my way back to AniLesboCon? DIOS: (Frowns and looks at Akio.) ... AKIO: (Nods severely.) Yes, you're right. She has no concept of manners at all. You should always introduce yourself to someone before you ask for favors. AI: (Eyes go wide.) I'm sorry. I'm-- AKIO: (Interrupts and gives a smooth smile.) But first let me introduce myself! I'm Ohtori Akio. (His smile turns all glittery and his eyes sparkle.) Sexy man on campus. AI: (Very nervous. Backs away.) I see... DIOS: (Stands in front of Akio. Bows lowly.) ... AI: (Smiles softly.) Nice to meet you too, Dios-chan! AKIO: (Scowls at Dios.) Suck up. DIOS: (Smirks at Akio.) ... AKIO: (Mutters.) I'll show you who's a lady killer... (He flashes Ai another charming smile.) So! What's your name pretty lady? You never told us and remember-- AI: (Wary tones.) You should always introduce yourself to someone before you ask for favors, I know. AKIO: (Smiles happily.) I knew you were smart. AI: (Sighs.) Why me? (She focuses back on Akio and Dios.) I'm Arisugawa Tenoh Ai, the test tube genetically created daughter of Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh Haruka. If all studies are correct, I'm the most superior Anime lesbian to ever exist. Plus I'm supposedly a hottie. DIOS: (Quirks an eyebrow.) ... AKIO: (Chuckles.) Yeah, and I thought Anthy had a high sense of self esteem. She has nothing on this girl. AI: (Frowns slightly.) Anyway. Can you tell me how to get back to AniLesboCon? Mokona led me to you and I'm hoping that means you're both-- DIOS: (Interrupts. Looks curious.) ... AI: (Blinks.) Why would I want to stay? AKIO: (Brightly exclaims and hops around.) Yes, stay! If you stay we could have a duel for you! (Akio and Dios both pull swords out of nothingness and pose with them so they look dangerous and cool.) AI: (Sweatdrops.) Eh... no thanks. I just need-- DIOS: (Peers at Ai closely.) ...? AI: (Blinks again.) Yes, I was escaping from a mob of horny Anime lesbians. How did you know that? AKIO: (Mysterious tones.) We know many things. AI: (Wary tones.) I see. DIOS: (Leans close to Ai.) ... AKIO: (Happily claps.) Yes! Lets tell her the story of the girl groupies and those who escaped them! AI: (Reluctant.) I'm sort of in a hurry so-- DIOS: (Sniffs and looks at Akio.) ... AKIO: (Nods his head sadly.) Yes, those trapped by the girl groupies insane love were in a hurry too. In a hurry to unload them as fast as they could. But I guess she doesn't want to learn how to do that for herself. AI: (Looks curious.) Unload them how? DIOS: (Waves his hand dismissively.) ... AKIO: (Nods in agreement.) That's right. You said you were in a hurry. You don't have time to hear the story. AI: (Slowly.) Well... maybe I have some time. AKIO: (Brightens immediately.) Really?! Great! (He rises to his feet and grabs Ai and propels her into his recliner to sit down. Dios rises to his feet as well.) Here's the story of the obsessive girl groupies orrrr... DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...! AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) There are so girls far and wide, you just can't get rid of them and you just can't hide! DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...! AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) These girls are scary, these girls are true, these girls always seem to move around in large groups! DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...! AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) They come after those of talent, they come after those of grace, they even go after those who like to wear lace! DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...! AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) There is one way to get rid of them, one way that's true! They all love a pedestal to put you on! That's for sure! DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...! AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) To be alone, to be in peace, to be free of them there is only one thing you need to do! Fall off that pedestal, ooh, ooh! DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...! AKIO: (Rocks foot to foot as he sing song recites.) This is something you must realize, girl groupies can't stand faults in those they think make the gods rise! Make one mistake and they leave for good, it's as easy as eating food! DIOS: (Looks dramatic.) ...! AKIO: (Waves his hands about.) The enddd, taaa daaaa! AI: (Sweatdrops and claps.) That was very nice. AKIO: (Beams.) Really??? Want to hear another? AI: (Reluctant. Stands up.) Uhm, that's okay... AKIO: (Hops up and down.) Oh, I know you do! (Clears his throat.) Here we go! The story of abusive duelists... (While Akio and Dios begin their next story, Ai sneaks away from them and follows after Mokona. They end up walking out of the Upside Down Castle and into the forest surrounding the dueling arena.) AI: (Frowns at Mokona.) None of these people that you end up taking me to are normal. Are you sure you really know what your job is here? MOKONA: (Looks insulted.) Puu! AI: (Rolls her eyes.) Easy for you to say. (She looks off into the distance and notices some smoke billowing out of the forest a little further ahead.) What's that? (Ai turns to face Mokona.) What do you think that is? (On seeing that the fluffy white bunny thing is missing, she blinks dimly.) Mokona? Where did you go? (Scowling deeply now, Ai gives an irate shout.) You were supposed to take me to someone who's normal!! (Shaking her red gold head, Ai mutters something under her breath and rolls up the sleeves to her ultra cool and slick looking blue and gold uniform as she walks further into the forest and towards the billowing smoke. After a few minutes of walking, Ai comes upon the figure of one Shinohara Wakaba. She's lying in a hammock that's high up in between two trees and has a large... uhm... uh... a large and very special relaxing cigarette with her.) WAKABA: (Squints and takes a drag.) What the hell are you babbling about, stupid author? I got a blunt with me. AUTHOR: (Grimaces.) I was trying not to say that! WAKABA: (Squints again.) What for? AUTHOR: (Mutters.) I don't need people after me for promoting drug use, y'know. I have enough problems with people after me for promoting so much lesbianism in this spamfic. Of course, I like promoting lesbianism... WAKABA: (Shrugs nonchalantly.) Whatever. (She takes a long very drag from her, uhm... god, okay... blunt then fixes her gaze on Ai who stands in front of her. Wakaba squints and leans over, as she says all the words, they form out in smoke in front of Ai.) Who... are... you...? AI: (Coughs and waves blunt smoke letters away from her face as she does so.) I'm Arisugawa Tenoh Ai. WAKABA: (Ponders this. As she says all the words they form out in smoke in front of Ai.) Explain yourself... AI: (Dodges the blunt smoke letters.) Okay, uhm, I'm the genetically created daughter of Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh Haruka who was made by Washuu in a test tube. WAKABA: (Eyes narrow. She leans off her hammock closer and booms all the words as they form out in smoke in front of Ai.) But WHO... ARE... YOU...? AI: (Scowls and produces a cool looking sword out of nowhere that looks like a cross between Juri's own fancy sword and Haruka's space sword. She then uses the rather cool sword to cut up the smoke words.) Are you even listening to me?! I just explained who I was to you! WAKABA: (Leans back in hammock. She gazes up at the sky, seeming relaxed and asks the word as it forms out in smoke in front of Ai.) Why...? AI: (Dices the smoke word with her cool sword then sheathes it in a scabbard that has somehow appeared to hang at her side loosely. Sighs heavily.) Please stop being so confusing. (She looks off into this distance.) Why must everyone around here be so strange? WAKABA: (Chuckles and flips on her side to study Ai coyly. As she says all the words they form out in smoke in front of Ai.) It's not that strange really... AI: (Scowls again and waves the smoke words away from her face and mutters.) That's it. I'm leaving. WAKABA: (Watches Ai exit with lidded eyes. Suddenly, she flies forward in her hammock, hanging half off of it to shout to Ai's now disappearing figure.) Wait, wait! I have something important to tell you! AI: (Further ahead in the forest. She pauses in her walk to look back where Wakaba is. Shaking her head, she then mutters to herself.) I'm going to regret this. (She then wanders back towards Wakaba and finds the other girl still lying in her hammock. Ai looks up at her as she puts her hands on her hips.) AI: (Expectantly.) Well? You said that you had something important to tell me? So what is it? WAKABA: (Eyes closed, very relaxed, as she says the words they form out in smoke and fly into the sky.) Keep your charm. It'll do you good in this place. AI: (Frowns a bit.) Is that all you had to say? WAKABA: (Pops open one eye to study Ai leisurely. As she slowly says all the words they form out in smoke in front of Ai.) What... is your... problem? AI: (Eyes narrow.) You're all weird here. WAKABA: (Face turns bright red and she starts to twitch uncontrollably.) Weird?! I'm here! Am I weird?! And what is wrong with being weird?! It's better than being normal!! AI: (Eyes go wide. Nervous.) I only meant-- WAKABA: (Face is red as a tomato and she's raging now.) I'LL SHOW YOU WEIRD!! (There's a huge blast of smoke and nothing can be seen but Ai coughing heavily is heard quite clearly. When all of the smoke clears away, Wakaba and her hammock are gone.) AI: (Blinks at this.) She's right. That is weird. SCENE: Unknown location. Lucrezia Noin stands there in her cool uniform and gives the tiniest of smiles. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. NOIN: (Smiling still.) I am desirable. SCENE: The dueling arena forest. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is back to wandering through it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. AI: (Frowns.) What was the point of that scene anyway? AUTHOR: (Shrugs.) Dunno. I'm throwing a bone to all the Gundam Wing fanatics on A.F.U. For some reason they seem to like that chick a lot. AI: (Ponders this.) Well... she IS desirable... AUTHOR: (Nods.) I think it's the uniform. There's just something about a lady in uniform, y'know. AI: (Inspects her own uniform which is, of course, very cool looking and shows off her trim figure.) So I have something about me in this uniform then? AUTHOR: (Coughs.) I'd comment but your mothers would probably try and kill me. AI: (Sighs and nods.) You're right. (Her eyes light up.) Hey! Since you are the author of this dinky spamfic you should know where I can find someone normal! (Overwhelming silence fills the air and the only thing that can be heard is the Sunlit Garden no longer playing in the background. Which is pretty bad news.) AI: (Heaves a deep sigh.) Abandoned again. (She walks for several minutes then comes upon a large tree with tons of signs that form arrows nailed to it. There is just one problem with all the directional signs. They just happen to be written in French.) AI: (Twitches severely.) I'm... not... French!!! (She heaves several deep breathes and calms herself.) Whoah. I must get that from Mommy Juri. I don't think Mommy Haruka hates the French that much. (Rubbing the back of her head she studies the signs some more.) Still, what sort of moron puts up French signs in a Japanese school? (Before she can ponder the annoying French signs anymore, Ai hears a distant sound on the wind. It's almost sing songish and is sort of charming as it nears her.) AI: (Narrows her eyes.) What's that...? (Slowly on the branch to the tree that has all the French signs nailed to it, a toothy smile alone appears.) AI: (Blinks.) I'm sorry Mommy Juri but... FUCCCK!!! (While Ai is still feeling guilty about disobeying Juri and using one of the words Ryoko taught her, tiny little eyes appear, then mouse like ears, and finally a head, then a body on the tree branch before her.) CHU CHU: (Smiles.) Chuuuuu chuu. AI: (Slow step forward.) You're a monkey? CHU CHU: (Smiles again.) Chuu chuuuu. AI: (Looks doubtful.) You're a monkey mouse? Why did you appear body part at a time back there? CHU CHU: (Shrugs.) Chuu chuu chu. AI: (Shakes her head.) Whatever. Listen, do you know of anyone normal who can lead me back to AniLesboCon? CHU CHU: (He smiles and his head disappears to just leave his smile and his hand points to the right.) Chuuu. AI: (Follows his hand.) Huh? (She looks at Mokona who is happily hopping and 'puu-ing' away.) Mokona!! (Ai then dashes after him quickly.) Thanks monkey mouse thing! CHU CHU: (His whole body disappears now.) Chu. (Running after Mokona now, Ai finds herself at a random wall in Ohtori during an unusually frequent sunset. She sees Mokona sitting in front of Shadow Play Girls A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko who are singing and dancing around a long table that sits in front of their chosen wall.) A-KO: (Sings and dances around table.) A very happy cloning day to us! B-KO: (Sings and dances around table.) To who? C-KO: (Sings and dances around table.) To us! SHADOW PLAY GIRLS: (Sing and dance around table all together.) Ohhhh, a very happy cloning day to us! AI: (Grimaces slightly.) I like singing and dancing as much as the next Anime lesbian but does everyone have to do it all the time in this place? B-KO: (Notices Ai. Screams.) Intruder!! A-KO: (Frowns at Ai.) When did she get here? C-KO: (Scolding tones.) It's very rude to interrupt someone's cloning day party without an invitation. AI: (Perplexed.) Cloning day? C-KO: (Looks at A-ko and B-ko.) Did you hear that? I don't think she knows what cloning day is! B-KO: (Scoffs.) Everyone knows what cloning day is. A-KO: (Studies Ai.) Unless they're not a clone. (A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko all whip around to study Ai closely who is now sweatdropping.) AI: (Nervous laugh.) Heh... caught me... I'm no clone. So maybe you can tell me what cloning day is? B-KO: (Suspicious.) If we do... how do we know you won't impersonate a clone so you can celebrate it to? AI: (Waves her hands.) I would never do that! Besides, if I did I would have to deny my heritage as the only daughter of Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh Haruka. That's something I'd never be able to do. C-KO: (Eyes water up.) J-J-Juri-sama's... daughter...??? (She's bawling now.) She reproduced without me!! AI: (Studies C-ko warily.) Uhm... what's...? A-KO: (Consoles C-ko. Looks up at Ai.) She has a thing for your mother. Just try to ignore it best you can. B-KO: (Snorts.) Yeah, good luck with that. MOKONA: (Hops onto table. Talks to B-ko.) Puu, puu! B-KO: (Eyes get wide.) No way, Hikaru said that? MOKONA: (Conspiratorial tones.) Puu puu, puuuuu. A-KO: (Stops consoling C-ko and lets her fall toppling and crying to the ground.) She and Umi did what?! MOKONA: (Leans closer to them.) Puuuu puu, puu. C-KO: (Head pops up curiously.) Fuu? Really?! (Ai watches this gossip session go on for a few minutes before she grits her teeth and getting frustrated, she gives up on them and walks off on her own. She doesn't get too far when Chu Chu appears before her. Well, his smile does at least. Ai stops to study him warily.) AI: (Sighs heavily.) What now? CHU CHU: (Ears and eyes appear.) Chuuu chu chu. AI: (Arches an eyebrow.) I dumped him, I'm afraid. Mokona isn't helping me at all. If I want to find someone normal to lead me back to AniLesboCon I'll have to do it my own way. CHU CHU: (Head appears suddenly. Panicked.) Chu!! AI: (Looks surprised. Repeats.) All ways are Miki the Hut's ways? Why do you say that? CHU CHU: (Body appears slowly.) Chu chu, chu. Chu! AI: (Doubtful tones.) He's a gangster who runs all of Ohtori? But I thought he was a cute and sweet blue haired bishonen boy who liked to play the piano? CHU CHU: (Shakes his head sadly.) Chuuuuuu. AI: (Wisely.) Ah, I see. The author got to him. (Blinks.) Wait... do you think Miki the Hut could help me get back to the convention? If he runs everything around here then he surely must know a way back, right? CHU CHU: (Considers this.) Chu, chu chu chu. AI: (Ponders his words.) I think it's worth the risk. You can't gain anything without trying. So... do you know how I can find Miki the Hut? CHU CHU: (Points towards the nearby greenhouse.) Chu, chu chu chu. AI: (Nods her head.) A secret passage way is located in the Rose Garden, huh? Thanks a lot, monkey mouse! CHU CHU: (Watching Ai run off.) Chu chuuu. (Slowly Ai pushes open the delicate glass doors to the Rose Garden and finds Chiba Mamoru, who is wearing his new constant outfit of the dress of the Rose Bride. He's busy painting the roses green and orange.) MAMORU: (Sings to himself happily as he paints.) I'm painting the roses green and orange... painting the roses green and orange... if I don't they... uh... I'm painting the roses green and orange... AI: (Observes curiously. Despite him being in drag Mamoru seems normal enough.) Excuse me... sir...? MAMORU: (Looks up from his painting and gives Ai a beautiful smile.) Hello! How are you? AI: (Blinks and smiles back.) I'm fine. Yourself? MAMORU: (Holds up his paintbrush.) I'm doing just lovely painting the roses green and orange. They're such pretty colors, don't you think? AI: (Smiles softly.) Yes, they are pretty. (She frowns.) But why do you have to paint them green and orange? MAMORU: (Looks up at the ceiling of the Rose Garden thoughtfully.) I know this... I just read it in her notes a few seconds ago... (His eyes light up.) I remember! (He smiles at Ai.) I'm painting them green and orange because those are the colors of the duelists and today is Tuesday. I get to paint them red and blue on Wednesdays! AI: (Considers this.) Okay... (She looks at Mamoru carefully and now decides he's definitely the most normal person she's met so far. Despite the fact that he's a very strangely perky man in a fancy dress.) Do you happen to know of a secret passage way located in here? MAMORU: (Looks cute yet perky as he frowns thoughtfully.) No, I haven't seen one so far. Why? AI: (Sighs heavily.) I need to find the passage way so I can visit Miki the Hut. I wanted to ask him for some help. MAMORU: (Claps his hands happily.) Is that all? His minions are always walking around here! I saw them leave just a few minutes ago on a ding dong run, I bet that they get back here any second, then you can follow them! AI: (Blinks and echoes.) Ding dong run? (Before Ai can ask Mamoru more questions, the recently converted girl groupies of Miki the Hut, aka his minions, appear in a large crowd all chanting the same thing.) GIRL GROUPIES: (Chanting as they rush into the Rose Garden and open up the secret passage way that leads back to Miki the Hut's catacombs.) We're late, we're late! For a very important dueling date! The ding dongs that we got for Miki the Hut-sempai are top rate! (Ai dashes after them and manages to sneak into the passage way before the door slams shut. Mamoru stands and watches all of this occur with wide eyes.) MAMORU: (Girlish and cute.) Oh dear... I hope she doesn't get into any trouble. She's a nice Anime lesbian. (He shrugs and goes back to his business.) I'm painting the roses green and orange... green and orange... SCENE: The catacombs of Ohtori Academy. Kaoru Miki aka Miki the Hut is seen lying on his bed. He is a huge blob of... well, fat. His breathing is raspy and he's almost completely surrounded by ding dong wrappers. Next to his bed stands Kaoru Kozue and at the front of it sits Kiryuu Touga who is still in his Princess Leia knock off skimpy metal bikini. Touga smirks as the girl groupies rush into the room holding several hundred bags of ding dongs. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly. Can't understand due to how fat he is. We now require a translator.) ... KOZUE: (Looks at girl groupies. Droll tones.) 'Is that all you got? I said I wanted a snack!' GIRL GROUPIE #34: (Bows her head.) We're sorry, Miki the Hut-sempai but we bought out the whole store! MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ... KOZUE: (Looks at girl groupies. Droll tones.) 'Fine. I accept your answer... for now. Just don't let this sort of thing happen again. Or I'll send you back to Touga.' GIRL GROUPIES: (Wail together.) Noooo! Don't do that Miki the Hut-sempai!! We worship you! TOUGA: (Grumbles.) What's wrong with me now? MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly. Yanks on the chain that's attached to Touga's collar.) ...! KOZUE: (Looks at Touga. Droll tones.) 'Quiet, slave!' TOUGA: (Smirks sensuously at Miki.) Yes, 'Master', I'll do whatever you say. And I do mean whatever. MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly and shudders.) ... KOZUE: (Snickers.) I told you he was a pervert. MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly and eyes narrow.) ...! KOZUE: (Narrows her eyes and looks across the room to see Ai emerging from the secret passage way.) A spy! MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ... KOZUE: (Nears Ai and says in dangerous tones.) My brother, Miki the Hut, wants to know why you dare to enter what is known through all of Ohtori as his sacred domain and/or his crib without permission. AI: (Meets Kozue's gaze steadily.) I need his help and I'll do anything-- (She pauses to look at Touga then grimaces on remembering what he just said.) Well, almost anything to get it. As long as it's not perverted. MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly and studies Ai.) ... KOZUE: (Looks at Miki then back to Ai.) Miki the Hut says: 'Before I would help you, you must prove your own worth to me. Despite appearances, my not so humble and perverted slave is an expert duelist. Will you fight him? If you win, I'll grant you whatever you wish.' (Kozue smirks now and leans in to whisper in Ai's ear.) Though I doubt that you'll win. He's feeling frisky. TOUGA: (Hears this somehow and smirks also.) Frisky like a cat in heat, baby doll. AI: (Shudders then looks at Miki the Hut.) Very well. I agree to your terms. Even though he is a pervert. MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ... KOZUE: (Walks over to Touga and unlocks the chain to his collar and hands him a sword that she produces out of nowhere. She then sticks a red rose in the little cleavage point in his metal bikini top.) 'Don't try to escape, slave.' TOUGA: (Takes the sword. Turns to smile sensuously at Miki the Hut.) I wouldn't even dream of it, 'Master'. (In a smooth movement, he stands across from Ai and appraises her with his eyes as Kozue tucks a gold rose in the lapel of her cool uniform.) You're quite the sexy one, aren't you? I hate to damage something as pretty as you but... well, that is the life of a willing slave boy, is it not? AI: (Grimaces at Touga.) You won't win. TOUGA: (Smirks widely.) We'll see. MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ...! KOZUE: (Stands by Miki the Hut and raises her hand into the air.) 'Begin the duel!' (Ai and Touga jump into the duel with flashing swords and dramatic music that comes out of nowhere. All that can be heard is the clang of metal and the music, their bodies are flashes of clothing and skin. Until suddenly, Ai ducks very low and produces a flask of water. She tosses it at Touga who is surprised but soon finds himself immobile while his metal bikini begins to rust and harden, making it next to impossible for him to move. Ai smirks at this.) AI: (Quirks an eyebrow.) Beauty and brains. I have it all, buddy. (She then swiftly slashes the rose away from where it rests in Touga's metal bikini top.) I win. MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ...! KOZUE: (Blinks. Looks back at Miki the Hut. Blinks again. Then faces Ai.) 'Off with her head!' AI: (Eyes go wide.) Wh-wh-what???? (The girl groupies all look at each other wide eyed then shrug and do as their new sempai commands and rush towards a frozen Ai who gets quickly unfrozen, yelps, and races back up another secret passage way to escape.) MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly and frowns.) ...!!! KOZUE: (Blinks yet again.) What? You mean you didn't want them to chop off her head? You just wanted to give her a ding dong for a reward before granting her favor? MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ...! KOZUE: (Nervous laugh.) Well, I'm sure she'll be okay, if she beat Touga the girl groupies should be no problem. MIKI THE HUT: (Mumbles lowly.) ... TOUGA: (Slinks back to his usual sitting place at the foot of Miki the Hut's bed.) You're right, this is bad P.R. SCENE: The Ohtori Campus. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is running quickly across it at top speeds. On her heels are Miki the Hut's girl groupies. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. AI: (Wails loudly.) This succccccccks!!!! GIRL GROUPIES: (Shout together.) Off with your head! AI: (Wails still.) Why is this happening to me?! (She stops wailing to notice Mokona waving her down. Despite her earlier mistrust of him, she runs towards the poofy bunny thing. When Ai reaches him, Mokona hops in front of her to wave his tiny useless arms about and a huge smoke cloud appears in front of them. When it clears, the girl groupies are gone.) AI: (Blinks at this.) What did you do? That was like what Wakaba pulled earlier. (She narrows her eyes as she looks at Mokona.) Have you been toking it up? MOKONA: (Looks somewhat innocent.) Puu, puu puu! AI: (Muses.) Magic powers, yeah, okay... I'll believe that. For now, at least. (She sighs.) But I suppose you still don't know of anyone normal to help me out, huh? MOKONA: (Smiles and uses a tiny useless arm to point to a figure sitting under a tree in the shade.) Puuuuuu. AI: (Narrows her eyes.) They'll help me? You sure? The last time you... (She trails off and sees Mokona is gone. Ai sighs again and squares her shoulders.) Might as well suck it up and go for, Ai. What's the worse that can happen? (She mutters now.) I shouldn't say that... (Ai walks over to the figure and clears her throat politely.) Hello? (The figure tilts their head back to reveal intelligent dark blue eyes that aren't at all obscured by the wire rim glasses they have on. Short blonde hair obscures half of their face just slightly, but is pushed back by a delicate hand. They wear a simple yet elegant black suit that fits their trim form well. Ai stares dimly at the woman before her.) AI: (Repeats softly.) Hello. WOMAN: (Smiles teasingly.) You already said that. AI: (Snaps out of her daze. Laughs a nervous but charming laugh.) Oh yeah, sorry... (She bends down to peer seriously in the woman's eyes.) Can you help me? WOMAN: (Blinks.) With what? AI: (Waves her hands quickly.) Nothing ecchi! I just need to find my way back to AniLesboCon, that's all. WOMAN: (Gets a knowing look in her eyes.) Oh? Is that all? (She rises to her feet and reveals that she's just a little bit shorter than Ai.) I can help you find your way back no problem. After all, I am their official Mascot. AI: (Eyes go wide. Echoes.) Mascot...? WOMAN: (Looks apologetic.) Sorry! I never introduced myself, did I? (She gives a slight bow as she keeps their gazes locked.) I'm Yuriko, the official Mascot who was created specifically for AniLesboCon. (Smiling now, her eyes twinkle a bit.) And how about you? AI: (Returns the smile.) I'm Arisugawa Tenoh Ai, the genetically created daughter of Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh Haruka, made by Auntie Washuu in a test tube. YURIKO: (Whistles.) Impressive. AI: (Blushes a bit.) I guess. (She averts her eyes.) So you'll help me get back then? My parents must be very worried by now and Michiru... well, I think I should check on her after that whole mob incident. YURIKO: (Smiles easily.) Sure, I'll help you find your way back. I said I would, didn't I? (She offers her arm to Ai as she continues talking.) Shall we get going? AI: (Hesitates and studies Yuriko before she smiles and hooks her arm in the other woman's.) Yes, lets! (As Ai and Yuriko head back to AniLesboCon, the scene fades to black.) To be continued... All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun. Send comments to: dreiser0@earthlink.net The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will AniLesboCon (now) 2001 still be going on?! Is Yuriko really the convention Mascot?! Stay tuned! Chat with me on Yahoo Messenger! My i.d. is: dreiser3 AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, Yuriko really is the official Mascot of AniLesboCon. Just check out the webpage below to see what she looks like. She's a nice gal and I please, no worries, I got permission to put her in my fic. I'm hoping her creator(s) approve of how she's written. Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at: http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/Dreiser/dreiser.html To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to: http://michiru.com/utena/ AniLesboCon 2001; Because the best women are animated: http://www.shoujoai.com/~anilesbocon/ A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION: "Rejoice meteor balls, you will taste blood again!" -Suboshi; Fushigi Yuugi OAV- NANAMI: (Stares at quote.) That is just wrong. MAZE: (Stares at quote. Nods.) Yep.