Scenes From An Elevator: An Idiotic Utena Spamfic By: Dreiser EPISODE THIRTY TWO: Icky Idiot Is Back SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the shadows of Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya are seen sitting inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. MAMIYA: (Huffily.) It's about time!! MIKAGE: (Sniffs.) Really, we were starting to think that you forgot all about us. (He suddenly smiles widely and his teeth glitter as he flicks his hair back.) But how could that possibly be true? We're are bishonen, after all. MAMIYA: (Smirks also.) Bishonen and beautiful. RANDOM DEEP VOICE: Ohhhhhh, yeah. MIKAGE: (Looks around and blinks.) Who was that? MAMIYA: (Sounds perplexed. Looks around also.) I have no idea. But they had a sexy voice, huh, Mikage-kun? MIKAGE: (Turns on his sexy voice.) Why, they certainly did, Mamiya-chan. Their voice was so sexy that it makes me want to... (There's a long pause of silence while Mikage looks at Mamiya with a burning gaze that oozes sensuality. Finally, Mamiya squeals in delight and pounces on Mikage and they go falling back onto the elevator floor. Sounds of clothes being removed and moans are heard.) MAMIYA: (Triumphant voice.) It's good to be back! MIKAGE: (Sexy deep voice.) Ohhhhhh, yeah. SCENE: An ominous hidden room inside of the French Le Ramada Inn. Several shadowy figures sit around a long ass table looking very ominous like their hidden room. In the far corner of the room a huge pile of toaster ovens can be seen. Why they're sitting there is anyone's guess. FIGURE #7: (Friendly drawl.) So is everyone having fun? FIGURE #6: (Excited.) I got blasted last night! Blasted and groped! FIGURE #3: (Dry tones.) The sure signs of brilliance. FIGURE #6: (Puzzled.) Huh? FIGURE #2: (Hesitantly.) Uhm... aren't we missing a member of our panel? Or group? Or organization? I mean, whatever we're supposed to be anyway. FIGURE #1: (Thoughtful.) You're right. Where could they be? It's not like them to miss a meeting. FIGURE #3: (Scoffs.) Probably crying somewhere. FIGURE #1: (Ponders.) Hmm. You might be right. (They shrug and the sounds of papers being rustled is heard.) It doesn't matter, we still have business to conduct. FIGURE #6: (Whines.) Business? Awww... but I have a date! A date that involves more groping! FIGURE #3: (Sighs.) I would insult them but it's too easy. FIGURE #7: (Laughs suavely.) Thank the lord for small favors, eh, everyone? So... what's our business fearless leader? And I don't mean the Rocky and Bullwinkle kind. FIGURE #1: (Silent for a long moment. Sounds a bit exasperated.) Our meeting is about something that could cause all that we have planned to go crashing down. It's about an inhuman force that can't be contained by mere mortals. It's about looking into the depths of hell itself and wetting your brand new silk panties. FIGURE #3: (Dry tones.) Sounds pleasant. FIGURE #1: (Laughs sarcastically.) Oh, ha ha. See how you amuse me? You amuse me so. (Rolls their eyes before continuing.) Anyway, this meeting is about the containment of the living disaster herself. This meeting is about--- (A pause of silence so immense that it just cannot be explained how big it and the drama gained from it really is now takes place and envelopes the room.) FIGURE #1: (Over dramatically.) MINAKO! (Another less dramatic pause of silence takes place.) FIGURE #7: (Blinks.) Sailor Venus? She's the terror? FIGURE #6: (Blinks also.) The living disaster? FIGURE #3: (Dry tones.) Oh quick... save me from her heart shaped chain. Quick, quick, before she ties me up. (They switch to perverted tones.) Uhmmm... on second thought, don't save me. FIGURE #1: (Scowls.) You might joke but she's a living catastrophe. She destroys everything she goes near and still manages to look cute while doing so. FIGURE #2: (Raises hand.) I thought that was Mihoshi? FIGURE #1: (Erupts.) Whatever! I don't care! Minako is a pain in the ass and we have to stop her from causing any sort of trouble at the convention! Got it?! ALL FIGURES: (Monotone voices.) We got it. FIGURE #1: (Heaves a huge sigh.) Good. Now, does anyone have any ideas about how to keep Minako busy? We need a really inane job for her to do. One that won't ever be possibly completed and will keep her occupied for the entire length of the convention. FIGURE #6: (Helpful tones.) Underwear replacement girl? FIGURE #7: (Sheepish.) Uh... trash girl? She has to pick up trash with tiny toothpicks? FIGURE #2: (Shyly.) She could be a waitress. People seem to be eating a lot of jello lately. FIGURE #1: (Groans loudly.) Lame. Those ideas are pathetic! (Looks at Figure #3.) What about you? FIGURE #3: (Evil chuckle.) I say we assign Minako the job of making sure every ballroom has enough chairs for everyone to sit in. But... we don't buy any new chairs. (A somewhat longer silence than the last one occurs.) FIGURE #1: (Jumps to their feet.) Brilliant! It's utterly brilliant! There's no way she can do that! She'll be running all over the place trying to keep up! FIGURE #3: (Evil chuckle again.) I know. It's enough to drive a person... (Thunder crashes.) Insane!!! (Everyone stares at Figure #3 as they laugh madly.) FIGURE #2: (Murmurs to herself.) I still don't understand why we're not watching Mihoshi. She's a bigger problem. FIGURE #1: (Erupts.) I heard that! FIGURE #2: (Ducks and quavers.) Sorry! SCENE: Somewhere in Ohtori. Kiryuu Touga is looking very, very, very, very, and one more very, ragged. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. TOUGA: (Leaning against a staff.) I feel like Ryoga or Tamahome or some other Anime male who is far more inferior than myself. (Coughs.) That wretched girl... she somehow managed to beat me, the great Kiryuu Touga, and Miss Kitty Fantastico remains in her grasp. If only I hadn't fallen prey to her dread orgasmo spell. (Coughs weakly again.) This is truly a dark day indeed. For it is the day that Kiryuu Touga has lost all faith in... (Touga trails off and freezes in his tracks as he stops in his walk outside of the French Le Ramada Inn.) TOUGA: (Reads the sign.) AniLesboCon2000? (A huge grin spreads across his face.) Kiryuu's back, baby! Every confused lesbian in there rejoice, because Kiryuu's back! SCENE: The Dueling Arena stairs. Tenjou Utena is rapidly falling down them. As she does so, loud and disturbing bells ring out in the background. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. UTENA: (Still falling down the stairs. Shivers as a chill goes down her spine. Wails.) Noooooo! I didn't like the feel of that! Something icky is going to happen! I'm sure of it! It's icky, icky, icky... uhm... wait, should I say icky? Is that even in character for me? (Wails.) Oh who cares?! I'm not even me in this fic anyway and I feel icky now! ICKY!!! SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko are seen. For some reason A-ko is standing in front of a chalkboard and B-ko and C-ko sit at desks. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background. A-KO: (Stands in front chalkboard.) So as you can clearly see, we Shadow Play Girls reproduce via cloning! B-KO: (Frowns.) You're saying that we're all clones? A-KO: (Nods and whacks the board with her pointer.) Yes! It makes sense considering our alphabetical names and our people being the only ones alive who appear solely in the shadows. We get this through our genetics, which are all identical thanks to the cloning process. B-KO: (Suspicious.) If that's true then why is C-ko so much stupider than the rest of us? C-KO: (Chimes in.) Yeah! Why am I---hey!! B-KO: (Snickers.) Dumbass. A-KO: (Whacks the board again.) Simple. She's a scab. B-KO: (Considers this. Shrugs.) Works for me. C-KO: (Whines.) Why am I always the stupid one?! B-KO: (Sarcastic.) Because your brain is the smallest? C-KO: (Thinks on this.) Well.. that makes sense I guess. B-KO: (Snickers again.) Bigger dumbass. A-KO: (Whacks the board. Orders.) B-ko! Stop making fun of C-ko because she's a dumbass! B-KO: (Slow tones.) Uhm... A-ko? A-KO: (Whacks the board.) Yes? B-KO: (Leans forward.) Why are you whacking that board so damn much? It's sort of freaky. A-KO: (Whacks the board and stares at her hand. Quickly pulls it back and laughs nervously.) Sorry. It's addictive. B-KO: (Mutters.) Nun syndrome. C-KO: (Whines and wails.) Why am I the dumbass?! (As C-ko continues to lament her dumbass position amongst the millions of cloned Shadow Play Girls the scene fades to black.) To be continued... All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun. Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will AniLesboCon 2000 still be going on?! Can Minako be kept busy the entire time?! Is it possible for Touga to convert all of the lesbian convention goers?! And is Utena going to keep falling down the neverending flight of stairs?! Stay tuned! Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780 Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at: http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to: http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/prs/index.html To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to: http://michiru.com/utena/ A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION: "This is how you use a gun!" -Zelgadis; The Slayers- NANAMI: (Sighs.) And she returns to the Slayers. MAZE: (Curious.) She likes that series then? NANAMI: (Nods.) Either that or it's the only series she can remember funny or somewhat funny quotes from. MAZE: (Sheepish.) This quote is funny? NANAMI: (Looks from Maze to the quote.) Uh... MAZE: (Looks at the quote too.) Hm... NANAMI & MAZE: (Dim tones.) Yeah. Juri Rules All. Haruka and Michiru are not, not, not not, not, not, not kissing cousins! Naga goes boing.