Scenes From An Elevator: An Idiotic Utena Spamfic By: Dreiser EPISODE TWELVE: Enter The Scab. SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the shadows of Kiryuu Touga and his girl groupies are seen inside. Touga lies on a mountain of fluffy pillows while his girl groupies massage various parts of him. The Sunlit Garden faintly plays in the background. TOUGA: (Fingers in his ears.) Where is that infernal music coming from? (He scowls.) Curse Miki! He's doing this just to annoy me. I know it! (Touga abruptly sits up and several of his girl groupies go flying out of the elevator. He blinks and looks in the direction of the frameless wall that they fell out of.) TOUGA: (Sighs.) Such a pity. They were giving me the nicest abdomen rubdown. (He shrugs.) Oh well... (Ponders.) Where was I? Oh yes, I know. (In ranting mode.) Miki! He's playing his monotonous song just to annoy me! It's his revenge for me dropping him out of the elevator like so much used trash or in this case a five foot pianist! (The girl groupies exchange disgusted looks and make faces while Touga continues to rant.) SCENE: The catacombs of Ohtori Academy. The figure of Kaoru Miki is seen slumped in a lazyboy recliner. The entire room is filled with clocks all ticking in eerie synchronization. On the far side of the room is a huge stereo system that keeps playing the Sunlit Garden on repeat. Miki is busy drinking bottle after bottle of Colt 45. MIKI: (Squints and waves bottle of Colt 45 in the air.) Damn right! I luvs muh Colt 45! (Takes a long drink then burps.) Ah! Malt liquor! It hits th' spot every time! (He puts up the foot rest and leans back in the recliner while releasing a very manly groan.) Ever since muh accident I've been consumed with vengeance. (He gives a slurred chuckle.) But now that I've set up muh stereo system itz comin' into place. Not even Touga cin escape from muh revenge! (Miki starts to laugh maniacally but begins puking over the edge of his recliner. As he's busy doing this a loud creak is heard and the figure of Kaoru Kozue is seen. She looks disgusted at Miki's display.) KOZUE: (Sighs and says snidely.) Honestly, Miki. What are you doing drinking that stuff anyway? Suddenly you're hip to the ghetto or something? MIKI: (Finishes puking and wipes his chin.) Shut up beeatch! I've found muh roots! We're African Japanese! KOZUE: (Blinks.) We're what? MIKI: (Repeats.) We're African Japanese! KOZUE: (Pauses. Opens her mouth. Pauses. Blinks.) Say again? MIKI: (Irate.) We're Africans who are Japanese dammit! In spirit at least! Y'know why? Cause we're slaves and I've finally risen up! (He opens another bottle of Colt 45 and waves it around.) This slave is refusin' to obey the man! The man cin kiss my ass! KOZUE: (Sighs deeply.) I give up. Who's the man? MIKI: (Squints.) Who do ya think?! Th' man iz Touga! And Touga cin kiss my ass! KOZUE: (Smiles slyly.) I'm sure that he'll look forward to that, Miki. Should I tell him now? MIKI: (Pauses. Thinks slowly. Burps.) Er... nah. Forget it. I guess th' man isn't so bad after all. KOZUE: (Nods.) That's what I thought. (She looks around at the several thousand clocks that are in the room.) I know I'm going to regret this but I'll ask anyway. Why do you have all these clocks? MIKI: (Squints. Drinks his Colt 45.) I gotta make sure that I never lose track of time again. They're muh insurance. KOZUE: (Pauses. Thinks this over.) Right... SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely and frequent sunset. The figure of Shadow Play Girl C-ko is seen. Next to her is Shinohara Wakaba who is leaning up against the wall wearing a bored expression. The Sunlit Garden faintly plays in the background. C-KO: (Looks at Wakaba.) Uhm... why are you here? WAKABA: (Clucks her tongue.) It's best not to ask questions that you don't want to know the answers to. C-KO: (Blinks.) Uh... right. WAKABA: (Pushes herself off the wall.) Besides, aren't you supposed to be giving the eerie moral to this week's episode? C-KO: (Contemplates.) Well, yeah... I would but I've never done this before. I mean, I never get to show up except when A-ko or B-ko has an STD or something. WAKABA: (Makes a face.) Too much information. C-KO: (Sheepish.) Sorry. Anyway, I wouldn't know how to give an eerie moral to this week's episode even if I wanted to. I'm just happy to get any screen time. WAKABA: (Not really listening.) Mm-hmm... C-KO: (Continues.) I don't understand it either! It isn't like they're all that smarter than me! It's shadow puppets! This isn't exactly nuclear physics you know! WAKABA: (Turns to C-ko.) Can I ask you a question? C-KO: (Stops her polite ranting.) Uhm... okay. WAKABA: (Leans in closer.) Are you Shadow Play Girls really named after the Project A-ko chicks? C-KO: (Looks baffled.) Uhm... SCENE: A very long line at some Fre... err... Japanese movie theater. The figures of Shadow Play Girls A-ko and B-ko are seen with Saionji Kyouichi standing in line. The Sunlit Garden faintly plays in the background. B-KO: (Extremely irate.) Traitors! Villainous traitors!! All of you readers are traitors!!! A-KO: (Stares at B-ko.) Calm down already. I don't see what you're getting so worked up about. B-KO: (Glares at A-ko.) That dinky author just gave screen time to C-ko! Our mortal enemy! A-KO: (Blinks.) We have a mortal enemy? SAIONJI: (Waxing his bokken.) My mortal enemy is my very own obsession with Anthy. (He looks up at the sky.) Why couldn't I have been content with our secret love? (He starts sobbing.) Why did I drive her from me?! Why?! (Saionji curls up into a fetal position as A-ko and B-ko stop fighting to stare at him.) B-KO: (Slowly.) Okay... A-KO: (Shrugs.) That was weird. B-KO: (Her eyes narrow.) I was angry wasn't I? A-KO: (Gives a deep sigh.) Not this again. Look, C-ko isn't our mortal enemy. She's just a Shadow Play Girl who chooses to work independently from our contract, that's all. B-KO: (Rages.) She's non-union! She must die! A-KO: (Covers her eyes with her hand.) Not again... B-KO: (Shouts loudly.) Death to all Anime Scabs!! (As B-ko continues to shout loudly the scene fades to black.) To be continued... All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when extremely bored. I shall continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just don't feel like making the effort to write things in story format and sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun. And yes, this was partially inspired by DDFA's Waiting For Minako series. Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com Author's dinky note: Yeah, I just posted two episodes of this inane chatter in a row. I don't know what happened. I couldn't sleep and I kept typing and this spewed forth. Blame it on insomnia. Thrilling trailer line: What will happen next week?! Will Touga still be trapped in the elevator?! How much Colt 45 can Miki drink before his brain dies?! And is Shadow Play Girl C-ko really a scab?! Thanks to Red Death all my fanfics are archived at: http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to: http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/index2.html Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780