Scenes From An Elevator: An Idiotic Utena Spamfic By: Dreiser EPISODE NINE: You Didn't Know What. SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the shadows of Arisugawa Juri and Kiryuu Touga are seen inside. The entire group of girls are now peacefully dozing in a large naked pile. Their clothes are strewn about the elevator. Touga looks at them in amazement while Juri stands near the edge of the elevator where they recently removed the metal wiring. The top buttons to her shirt are undone and her hair is slightly mussed but she looks beautiful as always. TOUGA: (Looks up.) Beautiful as always? The author really does have a thing for you Juri-san. JURI: (Looks at the ground.) That's nice. TOUGA: I can't believe you finally wore the girls out. I was sure that they'd never get tired. JURI: (Sniffs.) It was nothing. They were amateurs. TOUGA: You have an entirely lustful side to you that I never expected. It's refreshingly pleasant. JURI: (Shrugs.) What can you do? Years of repression have gotten the best of me I guess. You can only suppress yourself for so long before you need to break loose. (She leans further over the edge to stare at the ground.) Miki's gone. TOUGA: (Quirks an eyebrow.) Oh? And I never noticed him leave. I'm in awe at his will to survive. JURI: (Dryly.) I'm sure he appreciates that. TOUGA: Of course he should! I'm Kiryuu Touga aren't I? JURI: (Looks at Touga in disdain.) So you are... (She studies the ground again.) Well, it's time that I got out of here. TOUGA: (Eyes wide.) Surely you must be joking! You'll die if you jump from this height. You're not elastic like Miki. JURI: (Still studying the ground.) First of all I'm an Anime character. We're damn near invulnerable. Unless we're in a dark series that is. Second of all I'm a popular Anime character. We're doubly invulnerable. And last of all I'm a lesbian Anime character. TOUGA: (Raises an eyebrow.) And that means what? JURI: (Smiles triumphantly.) Just this! (Out of nowhere Juri produces a parachute and holds it before Touga who stares in shock.) TOUGA: (Accusing tones.) Where did you get that?! JURI: (Smugly.) As I said before I'm a lesbian Anime character and that means I'm always prepared. TOUGA: (Mulling over this.) If you had the parachute all along why didn't you use it earlier? JURI: (Stares at Touga. She looks flustered.) I... uhm... TOUGA: (Shakes his head.) Women. JURI: (Growls.) Just for that I'm trapping you here! TOUGA: (Looks up in shock. With wide eyes he throws himself on Juri's feet.) No Juri-san! You can't leave me here! Those girls are insatiable and I have a delicate system! JURI: (Kicks him off.) You should have thought of that before you insulted me. Now get off. It's time that I escaped from this hell hole. TOUGA: (Blinks.) You're leaving Ohtori? Because if you are you shouldn't. There's no place like Ohtori. JURI: (Erupts.) No, stupid! I'm leaving the elevator! TOUGA: (Grabs at her ankles.) Don't leave me!! JURI: (Kicks him off more forcefully.) Don't make me get my sword! TOUGA: (Pauses and looks up at her.) You do realize the phallic humor in that statement, don't you? JURI: (Growls.) That's it! (Juri hefts Touga up by his collar and tosses him into the pile of sleeping girls. They immediately wake up and begin climbing on him. Touga struggles futilely in their grasp.) TOUGA: (Angry.) I'll get you for this Juri! I'll get you and your little Shiori too! JURI: (Faces forward.) Yeah, yeah. That's what they all say. (Juri takes a deep breath then jumps out of the elevator and pulls the parachute cord then floats safely to the ground. On landing she takes off the pack and tosses it aside. She then pulls a megaphone out of nowhere.) JURI: (Shouts into the megaphone.) See you later, Kiryuu! TOUGA: (Distantly shouts.) Curse you Juri! Curse you and Saionji and the lollipop guild a thousand times over! JURI: (Shakes her head and tosses the megaphone aside.) I got out of there just in time. He's getting crazier. (Shrugging her shoulders Juri runs off into the distance as the frantic screams of Touga echo in the air.) SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely and frequent sunset. The figures of Shadow Play Girls A-ko and B-ko are seen. A-ko holds a piece of paper and B-ko is peering over her shoulder curiously. A-KO: (Reads mechanically.) This is a statement from the dinky author of this parody. Please forgive the Shadow Play Girls for appearing in two episodes in a row. B-KO: (Angry.) What sort of statement is that?! A-KO: (Looks at her.) That's just part of it. B-KO: (Huffily.) Still. That's not a nice thing to say. You'd think our talents aren't appreciated around here or something. A-KO: What talents? All we do is perform weird shadow plays on this random wall and say mysterious jargon. B-KO: (Sniffs.) If that's all you think of me... A-KO: (Sighs.) Stop pouting. Once we read this statement we can get back in line for the movie. B-KO: Oh yeah... A-KO: (Reminds.) We can't keep Saionji waiting in line for us forever. Eventually he's going to realize that he's not waiting to get into his Kendoists Anonymous meeting. SCENE: A very long line at some Fre... err... Japanese movie theater. Saionji Kyouichi stands in line with a blank look on his face. SAIONJI: (To himself.) I never realized that there were so many Kendoists in need... SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely and frequent sunset. The figures of Shadow Play Girls A-ko and B-ko are seen. A-ko holds a piece of paper and B-ko stands next to her. A-KO: (Looks up.) Good, you're back. B-KO: (Puzzled.) What was the point of that scene change? A-KO: (Shrugs.) Probably to insult Saionji again. B-KO: (Wisely.) Ah... A-KO: (Mechanically reads again.) This is a statement from the dinky author of this parody. Please forgive the Shadow Play Girls for appearing in two episodes in a row. (B-ko grumbles under her breath but doesn't say anything.) A-KO: (Continues to mechanically read.) I needed them to read this statement since they're faceless and really not of any serious consequence in the series. B-KO: (Enraged.) What the hell is that about?! A-KO: (Ignores B-ko and continues to mechanically read.) I have recently found that many of you didn't know what 'you know what' was in last week's episode. Therefore I am having the Shadow Play Girls explain it to you now. B-KO: (Gathers her things and mutters.) I'm going to stand in line for the movie again! Then when it's over with I'm going to find that author and break her pinkie fingers! (B-ko stomps off while A-ko looks up from reading the piece of paper.) A-KO: (Crumples the piece of paper up.) The deal is this: 'you know what' from last week's episode was in fact a reference to the upcoming Utena movie titled "Adolescence Mokushiroku". It's true that our little dueling skit and the reference to ticket lines was nothing more than shameless self promotion for the movie but what can you expect from this author? Pulitzer Prize winning material? (A-ko shrugs and as she walks off to get back into line for the upcoming Utena movie the scene fades to black.) To be continued... All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when extremely bored. I shall continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just don't feel like making the effort to write things in story format and sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun. And yes, this was partially inspired by DDFA's Waiting For Minako series. Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com Thrilling trailer line: What will happen next week?! Will Touga still be trapped in the elevator?! Why is it that lesbian Anime characters have such cool powers?! How long will the Shadow Play Girls wait in line for the Utena movie?! And what the hell is this ghostly hazard movie that people wrote me about?! Thanks to Red Death all my fanfics are archived at: http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm For SFAE in text and other spiffy Utena fanfics go to: http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/index2.html Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ# is: 37674780