Scenes From An Elevator: An Idiotic Utena Spamfic By: Dreiser EPISODE FIVE: Roasted Virgins. SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where the shadows of Arisugawa Juri, Kaoru Miki, and Kiryuu Touga are seen inside of it. Miki is crouched in the corner shivering and talking to himself. Juri and Touga sit across from him playing cards. TOUGA: (Looks at Juri suspiciously.) Ace of spades. JURI: (Solemnly.) Go fish. TOUGA: (Snorts and narrows his eyes.) So you say... I bet you have an Ace of spades and you're just lying. JURI: You're getting paranoid again Touga. TOUGA: I am? JURI: (Nods while she studies her cards.) You are. TOUGA: I apologize. I shall go fish. (He picks a card out of the huge pile sitting between them. Out of the corner of his eyes he looks at the shivering Miki.) Do you think we should give him some more prozac? He's still moving. JURI: If we give him anymore he'll think he's a carrot. TOUGA: Glace? JURI: (Looks up.) What did you say? TOUGA: Nothing of importance. Just an innocuous reference to another Anime character whose show cannot match our own clear superiority to all Anime series that exist. JURI: Ah. (She studies her cards again.) But as I was saying Miki should be fine soon as he gets over his odd dependence on his stopwatch that he's seems to have misplaced. TOUGA: He left it up on the roof where we normally have our meetings. The poor lad thought we'd be there in a few minutes and instead we've been here-- (He pauses and looks thoughtful.) How long have we been here? JURI: (Stops studying her cards and blinks.) You know I'm really not sure. What I think is strangest is how we've gone on for who knows how long without going to the bathroom. (Muses.) In fact I'm not sure if I've ever gone to the bathroom. Isn't that a bit odd? TOUGA: I wouldn't know. I've never gone to the bathroom either. I don't believe I've even seen one on campus. (Juri and Touga lock their gazes as the copyrighted Twilight Zone music plays. They look around in mystification of where the music is coming from and it abruptly stops playing.) JURI: (Laughs with false bravado.) That's silly Touga! There must be a bathroom somewhere on campus. TOUGA: (Laughs also.) Yes, of course there is! (They continue to laugh nervously for several moments until the elevator grows silent and they break eye contact.) JURI: (Studying her cards.) Do you have any Jacks? TOUGA: (Smiles triumphantly.) Go fish. JURI: (Matches the smile.) Touche. TOUGA: We're not French, we're Japanese. JURI: (Erupts.) I know that! SCENE: The basement of the Kiryuu Mansion. The walls are covered with various pictures of Kiryuu Touga. His diabolically evil sister, Kiryuu Nanami, stands in front of a huge ritual bonfire wearing a thick red cloak. The hood obscures her features and kneeling in front of her in subservience are several zombie students from Ohtori Academy also wearing red cloaks. NANAMI: (Looks up.) Diabolically evil? Really now! That's hardly the words of an impartial author! (Shakes her head.) Oh well, time to get to business. (Her snotty voice somehow sounds ominous.) Bring the ritual bonfire sacrifice before me! (Her three cronies: Sonoda Keiko, Wakiya Aiko, and Oose Yuuko walk down the crickety stairs to the basement dressed in the aforementioned red cloaks. They carry the bound and gagged form of Tenjou Utena who struggles futilely against the elastic wrap she's tied up with.) NANAMI: (Laughs fiendishly.) And now Tenjou Utena you will pay for making my brother disappear by serving as the ritual bonfire sacrifice for the Cult of Touga! (She lifts up the hood to her cloak and steps into the light of a precariously swinging light bulb.) I'll use your powers as the Champion of the duels to discover the location of my beloved big brother! UTENA: (Angry as she continues to struggle.) Mzhojph!! NANAMI: So you keep saying but I'm afraid there's no escape! Not even your love slave Anthy can save you now! SCENE: The East Hall dorms. Himemiya Anthy is lying on the bottom bunk bed completely surrounded by a mass of used kleenexes. Chu Chu sits on the floor eating Utena's Biology book. ANTHY: (Stuffy voice.) Damn muh alergies! (Sneezes into yet another kleenex before throwing it into the pile.) I wunder where Utena-sama iz... she p'mised to git me sum more pills fer muh stoopid alergies. (She sneezes again.) SCENE: The basement of the Kiryuu Mansion. Kiryuu Nanami stands in front of the ritual bonfire and laughs madly. Her cronies and zombie followers sweatdrop as they observe. KEIKO: Uhm... Miss Nanami? NANAMI: (Stops laughing.) Yes? What is it? KEIKO: (Squirms under Utena's weight.) Can't we sacrifice her now? It's getting sort of hard to keep holding her up. YUUKO: (Pipes up.) Yeah! She's heavy! AIKO: (Chimes in.) My arms have gone numb! NANAMI: (Sighs.) So much for drama. (Waves dismissively towards the ritual bonfire.) All right. Toss her in. (The three cronies are about to throw Utena into the ritual bonfire when a zombie student interrupts hesitantly.) ZOMBIE STUDENT: Uhm... don't ritual sacrifices have to be virgins? Are we sure she's a virgin? UTENA: (Grins widely.) Iolmoiusopziop!! NANAMI: (Makes a face.) We didn't need to know that much about Akio and Anthy! (She sighs and leans over to pick up a the big instructional book of ritual sacrifices.) It says here that virgins are so rare these days that any natural born female will do. ZOMBIE STUDENT: (Mulls over this.) Oh. My bad. NANAMI: (Sets the book down.) That's all right. (Back in dramatic mode.) Now! Let us sacrifice her to the almighty ritual bonfire for the sake of big brother! (The three cronies are about to throw Utena into the ritual bonfire when another zombie student interrupts.) ZOMBIE STUDENT #2: When this is done can we use the ritual bonfire to roast yams? ZOMBIE STUDENT: Yeah! That's a great idea! ZOMBIE STUDENT #2: I'm hungry! Capturing her and wrapping her in elastic wrap was hard work! I think we deserve some roasted yams for that! ZOMBIE STUDENT #139: (Chants.) Roasted yams! (Soon all the zombie students are chanting roasted yams in perfect synchronization.) NANAMI: (Rages.) Enough about roasted yams! If you shut up and be good zombies MAYBE I'll let you cook some! But only once we've sacrificed her to the ritual bonfire!! ZOMBIE STUDENT #2: Sweet. We're getting roasted yams. NANAMI: I said enough!! (The zombie students quiet down and Nanami sighs then looks to her cronies.) Just throw her in already. This is taking way too long. (The three cronies are once again about to throw Utena into the ritual bonfire when suddenly she squirms out of their grip to fall on the floor with a loud thud.) NANAMI: Tricky aren't you? (Walks over to Utena and kneels beside her.) Why are you resisting? This is all for the greater good of big brother! We must have him returned or we all are lost! Lost!! YUUKO: Yeah and if Touga doesn't come back the clause in our contract says we all have to start worshipping Saionji. (Everyone in the group shudders, including Utena.) NANAMI: I told you that name is blasphemy! It is never to be spoken in the house of Kiryuu Touga! KEIKO: Does the basement count? NANAMI: (Rages.) Of course the basement counts! (She turns back to Utena only to find she's gone and in her place is a pile of elastic wrap.) She's escaped! After her my mindless zombie followers!! (The zombie students run up the crickety stairs in a rush but their weight is too much for the structure and causes the stairs to collapse. Nanami and her cronies observe this and sweatdrop.) NANAMI: (Throws a spoiled fit and cries.) How could she gnaw through the elastic wrap again?! Why do my ritual bonfire sacrifices to big brother always turn out this way?! (She suddenly stops crying to face her cronies and pick up the elastic wrap. After a moment she lifts her gaze.) No wonder she escaped! This is the cheap general brand that goes for a thousand yen at the store! I told you to buy Saran Wrap you fools! KEIKO: (Begins.) It wasn't my fault... YUUKO: (Continues.) She wanted... AIKO: (Finishes.) To save money! NANAMI: (Scowls.) You're all to blame! Now go and help my zombie followers fix the stairs! (The three cronies nod then run towards the zombie students who are forming a human ladder to escape from the basement. Nanami doesn't notice their slow escape.) Curse your tomboy ways Tenjou Utena! One day I'll find an elastic wrap that you can't possibly gnaw through and then I'll sacrifice you to the glory of big brother! (She wails and falls to her knees.) Oh where for art thou big brother?! Return to me soon on love's light wings or something like that! (Nanami continues her soliloquy as the last of the zombie students help her cronies out of the basement and the scene fades to black.) To be continued... All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when extremely bored. I shall continue to write this series when I'm extremely bored because sometimes I just don't feel like making the effort to write things in story format and sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun. And yes, this was partially inspired by DDFA's Waiting For Minako series. Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com Thrilling trailer line: What will happen next week?! Will Juri, Miki, and Touga still be trapped in the elevator?! How far can Miki descend into madness without his stopwatch?! Who will be the victor in the game of Go Fish?! And why does Nanami like to tie up her ritual bonfire sacrifices with Saran Wrap?! Stay tuned!