Something Vaguer Than Flesh an Adolescence Mokushiroku fanfic by Lyria Moonriver Outside, the roses fall like rain on Ohtori Gakuen. (boku no oji-sama...) I wonder what it would be like to watch them. To see the petals cover this crystalline cage with softness, as if to hide the ugliness of captivity. As the image of Utena's tear-streaked face is overcome by water, I flash back to a time when we were both happy together. I remember her hand in mine, the light of the sun in her blue eyes, the way she giggled when she ran her fingers through my hair. These memories drove me to the Ends of the World, to Ohtori, seeking something I could not name. And I found what I was looking for. Even now, I can hear his voice telling me that here and only here, I could be alive while dead. I can also hear him telling his sister that here and only here could one be dead while living. Funny, that. I never would have thought that death could be reversed until I came to this place. But while those memories brought me to Ohtori, they weren't what kept me. I have other memories, too...here in the black water. Memories that I can't explain, memories from a world that couldn't possibly exist. A world where the Ohtori I've come to know is gone, and a different Ohtori stands in death. A world where I am still alive, yet as dead as the world I see. A world where the Utena I know lives in two bodies. One of the bodies is much like the Utena I knew long ago, preserved in an angelic state. But too angelic, too pure. Surely that Utena could not survive the Revolution. The other of these bodies does not call herself Utena. Nor is this body, for that matter, female. I do not know much about him, but I do know that while he possesses the strength to bring the Revolution, he does not have the will. His will is subordinate to the will of another. Bara no Hanayome's? Sekai no Hate's? I can't be sure. Strangely enough, I feel a strong bond to this male Utena. One far stronger than the one I feel towards the female Utena. Deep in my heart, I know that somehow both he and I are trapped in this confession elevator. Only, in my case, my coffin is water...his is a coffin of fire. My lips are tingling. I'm not sure if it's because of the memory of her last kiss or the memory of my oxygen running out. Perhaps these two "beings" are the sides of Utena that is fading before me, and these "memories" are merely illusions that I am entertaining because of this wall. Maybe that's why they disturb me so much. I wonder what brought Utena to Ohtori. I'd like to think it was the memory of me. But I know that's not true. She is probably seeking the same thing I once was, just in another form. That something that exists in a form vaguer than flesh, yet greater than life. I can only hope. (boku no oji-sama...) Outside, the roses fall like rain. * * * * * * * * * * * * * Author's Notes -------------- This is my first work of Adolescence Mokushiroku fanfiction. I'm surprised I haven't seen more Utena movie fanfiction; it's a very fascinating universe to write about. Oh well. --;; The title is taken from the lyrics of the movie's end theme "Fianceé Ni Naritai," and the fic focuses on Touga's thoughts during the end of the elevator scene. While this piece is suitable for all ages, it probably won't make much sense unless you're familiar with both the movie and the series. Feel free to email your comments to: Or, if you're all about checking out more of my stuff, go to: Shoujo Kakumei Utena is copyright by Be-PaPas, Chiho Saito, Shogakukan, Shokaku Iinkai, and TV TOKYO. English licensing by Central Park Media/Software Sculptors. * * * * * * * * * * * * * *