"To Cry Into Silence"

from Shaherazad (ayardney@goucher.edu)

"Come here, Anshi."

I know those words so well. I hear them week in, week out, always
that soft velvety purr that I never have the will to refuse. The
motions are mechanical, automatic. Reach up, remove the useless
glasses you gave me that serve as my disguise.

All the better to hide you with, my dear.

I know better than to argue with you anymore. It’s easy to allow
myself to come within the reach of those long, possessive
fingers. I stare over your shoulder while you pluck the pins from
my hair. You always liked my hair long, liked being the only one
to see it down.

My moment of detachment is only that, a moment, looking up at the
projected stars on the ceiling, before your face blocks them out,
and you begin to rob my mind of thoughts once again

 begin that spiral downwards

Utena

Desperately clinging to her name. You can’t have that, I won’t
let you take her from me. Not even you

Utena

"Anshi..." Your insistent voice in my ear, dragging me back to
where you crush me on that white couch.

Strange how it never shows any trace of what goes on here

 just stays white, perfectly unblemished, like one of my roses

Utena’s rose

Won’t let you have it

Underneath your straining body

Fingers close around the stem, press the thorns into my palm

Cold as your false stars

Grip it harder, press it deeper

Cold as Mamiya’s hair

Mine, my pain

My hair...

My prince...

Your hair...

Not the same, you have to see it’s not the same

draped over her shoulders

Look, damn you!

sitting with you in the dark

Why can’t you see it!

blushing when you come near

I’m not him

lying side by side in the dark

I’m not like him

pretending to be the innocent she thinks I am

Why aren’t you looking!

LOOK AT ME!!

..............

"Anshi..."

Utena

Why?