Beware - spoilers abound in this document, do not read it unless
you have finished the whole series, or do not mind knowing events
beforehand. This story is based on the anime Shoujo Kakumei
Utena.

This is a story of Himemiya’s search for Utena and their
subsequent reunion. There is darkness, angst and pain, but also
humour, heart-wrenching poignancy (I hope) and happiness. A word
of warning, there is also a little ‘lemon’, but only a little.


Someday...we will shine


Prologue:


I desperately claw at the doors, trying to force them open, but
my hands are wet with my own blood and I am horribly weakened
from the sword wound. But I continue, growing more frantic at the
thought that I could not fulfil my promise, and with a final
burst of strength, the doors open to reveal her lifeless form.

NOOOO!!

I cry out and stretch my hand to pull her up, but she remained
cold, without life. Suddenly her eyes open and look accusingly at
me.

"You said you would protect me.
 It was a lie.

 A prince? What a joke!
 Little girls should not aspire to be heroes.
 They will only harm themselves and others.

 You wanted to be my prince.
 You wanted to save me.
 But because of you,
 I am dead.

 Because of you..."

"No! Himemiya! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, sorry, sorry..."

No!

I sat up in bed, drenched in sweat, the word still on my lips. I
stared into the darkness and willed my breathing to slow its
rapid pace. After getting myself under control again, I shook my
head to clear it of the lingering tendrils of sleep and threw off
my covers.

I knew from past experience that it would be impossible to get
back to sleep. I climbed out of bed and winced when my right leg
hit the floor. The constant throbbing in my leg intensified as I
limped painfully to the sink.

Propping my right hand on the edge of the sink to support myself,
my left hand groped the wall to find the light switch and instead
knocked over a bottle of painkillers. Cursing my clumsiness, I
managed to turn on the light. I looked in disgust at my useless
left hand, covered in unsightly patches of darkened and thick
skin, a souvenir of the fire that blazed from my rose signet ring
on that fateful night.

Once again I wondered why Dios bothered to save me. Why on that
night, when he had drawn all the swords of hatred to himself, why
did he not just let me die?

Many sleepless nights ago, I managed to piece together a vague
idea of the events that transpired that night after Himemiya
plunged to her death. While I was drowning in despair and self-
recriminations outside her coffin, Dios suddenly manifested
himself and enveloped me in his light. A moment later I screamed
in terrible pain as I felt a million swords pierce my body.

In that moment, I was one with Dios, and I felt him absorbing and
then dissolving all that hatred until there was only a great
peace and serenity, as if at last, Dios had reconciled himself to
his destiny. Then before he disappeared forever from this world,
Dios used his last bout of strength to bring me to safety.

Dios had put his essence into my rose signet ring when he kissed
it that night after consoling me, and the manifestation of his
power from my ring had burnt the hand that I wore it on. The ring
was gone now, maybe it disappeared together with Dios.

I tried to flex my fingers, but they remained slightly curled so
that my left hand resembled a claw. I used my good hand to turn
the tap on the sink and then splashed water on my face. I stared
at my dripping reflection in the mirror hanging above the sink
and lightly traced the scar on my left cheek. It was a straight
line that stretched from the back of my jaw to my cheekbone.
Similar scars covered the rest of my body, all reminders of the
swords of hatred. It seems that in order to diffuse the power of
the swords, Dios had to use my body as a proxy to attract them.

I was not an immortal like Dios or Himemiya, to endure such
injuries without suffering permanent damage. It was something
Dios could not save me from. It was something I would willingly
suffer if Himemiya could have been saved, but it seems I was not
allowed even that comfort.

After a quick wash up, I limped back to the bed and picked up the
loose pair of sweat pants on the floor. I gingerly sat on the
edge of the bed and propping my right leg on a nearby chair,
tried to slip on the pants. Failing the first time, I gritted my
teeth and just roughly thrust my twisted right leg into the
pants. My leg had suffered a great deal of injury and was even
broken. Because of the other wounds, the doctor could not set the
broken leg bone properly and now I could not bend it nor move it
without experiencing much pain. I could not even walk without a
limp and if subjected to too much stress or cold, it would ache
abominably and only painkillers could dull the pain.

I breathed a sigh of relief and quickly pulled on the rest of my
clothes. I pushed myself off the bed and swaying slightly,
regained my balance before making my way slowly towards the door.
I reached out to turn off the lights before closing the door
behind me.





Chapter One:

The door opened silently to reveal a plush and fully furnished
room. It was cheerfully lit, belying the late hour, and on the
table was a welcoming fruit tray, as well as a bottle of
champagne chilling in a bucket of ice.

A well-worn travelling bag was dropped on the sofa and the
refreshments on the table were pushed aside to make way for a
state-of-the-art notebook, which was briskly connected to a mini-
satellite device. A cellular phone that could support multiple
communication lines was also hooked up to both the device and the
notebook. A blue monkey popped out of the travelling bag and
gazed curiously around the room.

Falling into a well-practiced routine, Himemiya Anshii powered up
her notebook and set it to download all queued electronic mails
and messages, before heading for the bathroom. She took a quick
shower and then slipped into the bathrobe provided by the hotel.
Towelling her luxurious mane of hair that reached below her hips,
she walked back into the bedroom exactly ten minutes later.

As usual, she timed it perfectly and just as she sat down in
front of the computer, the screen flashed a ‘Download Completed’
signal. She scanned the numerous mails and reports received and
flagged any items that caught her attention. Since the day she
left the Ohtori Academy, she knew that finding her beloved Utena
was no easy task. In fact, it involved a search of mammoth
proportions.

On that night of Utena’s disappearance, Himemiya had woken up on
the ground, alive and unharmed, and she knew that her brother,
her true and pure beloved brother Dios, had finally broken free
of the chains that bound his tortured soul by accepting the
hatred directed towards him. Dios realised that wanting to help
others does not mean charging into every conflict like a knight
in shining armour and claiming to know what is best and trying to
personally right every wrong by interfering.

Helping others is not being a hero, but rather to lend a hand by
giving them the tools to free themselves and to encourage them to
believe in themselves and their self-worth. Dios learnt this from
Utena, who had touched many people and hearts by her actions. She
was kind, compassionate and very frank, and her supreme
confidence in her abilities never made her arrogant but instead
gave her an innate and unshakeable sense of self.

Her solution to helping Himemiya was to give her the means of
escaping abuse and restrictions by winning every duel and then
encouraging her to go out and make friends, not remain cooped in
her own little world. Utena never forced her to do anything
against her wishes and was the only one who believed that
Himemiya was a real person and tried to understand why she agreed
to be the Rose Bride. Utena believed that if Himemiya did not
resign herself to fate and just decided not to continue being the
Rose Bride, then it would be the end to the duels and the related
problems.

Dios finally understood that the hatred of the swords came from
people’s fear and ignorance and that rather than resent their
ingratitude, the fearful people should be calmed and the ignorant
educated. Promising salvation to every helpless person would only
lead to disappointment and distrust as no person, no matter how
powerful and wise, is able to right every wrong.

However, only a true prince would be able to attract the swords
away from Himemiya and so he placed all his hopes in Utena,
because Dios himself did not exist on the physical plane anymore.
And Utena did not disappoint when in the face of Himemiya’s
sufferings, she managed to put aside her own sense of
helplessness and betrayal, and overcome all obstacles despite her
physical weakness, before finally breaching the ‘Doors of the
Rose’ and opening the coffin that Himemiya was trapped in. This
supreme act of courage and heroism made Himemiya see Utena as her
prince and for the first time, she truly believed that Utena
could save her. All the swords of hatred recognised this fact
when Himemiya reached out towards Utena’s hand, and in the moment
that their hands touched, the swords all headed towards the
‘prince’.

In the moment that the swords descended upon Utena, Dios released
the anger and sense of failure that he had been carrying in his
soul for so long and was able to dissipate all the swords of
hatred, as well as break from the chains that had bound his
spirit and power to this mortal world. This in turn released
Himemiya from her need to save and protect Dios from himself,
thus freeing Himemiya from her coffin and the abyss of her
despair and punishment. She then found Utena’s blackened rose
signet ring beside her on the floor and through her link with
Dios, knew that Utena was saved as well. From that moment,
Himemiya conceived of an idea and began formulating a plan to
find her friend.

She spent a month researching and gathering all the necessary
resources and contacts in order to embark on her plan to search
for Utena. On the day that all the preparations were in order and
she was ready to leave Ohtori Academy, Akios surprised her by
stating that Utena had failed and that he wanted to rebuild the
Rose Signet Code.

Himemiya realised that Akio was still trapped by his desire for
the power of Dios and that he would never be free unless he gave
up his obsession. In that moment, she understood that she owed
this person nothing. She was truly free from Akio and took her
leave, no longer a pawn in his mad schemes.

She knew that Akio was wrong, that he was blind not to see that
Utena had not failed, that she had pulled off the greatest
miracle of all, a revolution of the mind. As Himemiya walked out
of the Academy, she saw Tsuwabiki working his stopwatch and
smiling like a child with a new toy, and it delighted her to see
him lose his serious expression and happy to be a child rather
than always trying to be an adult.

Himemiya then walked passed the piano room and saw Kozue playing
the piano and Miki standing over her shoulder, correcting her
mistakes. Kozue learnt that she did not have to resort to wicked
actions in order to gain her brother’s attention. She knows that
Miki cares for her and that making him worry does not make her
happy. There are better ways to be together that will make them
both happy. Miki no longer has an air of loss, as if something
precious could not be found. He realised that the inspiration
that he is looking for does not come from someone else, but from
within himself.

A distant scream distracted her and looking over her shoulder,
Himemiya saw Wakaba giving an excited girl a present. Wakaba
looked mildly embarrassed by the excessive display of gratitude
but she wore a familiar grin on her face. She seemed contented
and happy, no longer looking for a special someone to admire and
latch onto, be it Saionji or Utena.

On her right, Himemiya saw Tonga forcing Saionji to a defensive
stance and then defeating him. Saionji looked chagrined for a
moment before laughing and accepting Touga’s help in gaining his
footing and swearing to Touga that he will beat him the next
time. Himemiya smiled to see the two duellists, there will always
be rivalry and fierce competition between them, but no jealousy
anymore, no driving need to be the first and best all the time.
Their experiences helped them forge a stronger friendship with a
better understanding of each other.

Nanami then called the two over for some tea and made jokes at
both their expenses. During the time when she thought that Touga
was not her brother, she realised that she made her only purpose
and meaning in life to be Touga’s sister. Nanami slowly began to
understand that she was beautiful and talented and she was more
than just a girl with a unique relation to a popular guy.
Himemiya thought that she must have grown the most these past few
months.

Before leaving the school premises, Himemiya paused at the
entrance to the fencing room and saw Juri effortlessly disarm a
dishevelled Shiori. Juri saluted the smaller girl with her sword
and Shiori bowed in respect before giving way gracefully to the
next fencer. Juri watched her expressionlessly and assumed the en
garde position as she called for her next opponent. Juri still
seemed unapproachable but was more self-assured and humorous,
even though her humour tended to be very dry. She and Miki had
become close friends and she finally realised that there was no
shame in liking someone. Himemiya was certain that if Shiori did
not appreciate her, than Juri would surely meet someone else who
would.

Himemiya shook herself from her reverie and told herself to
concentrate on the computer screen. She had organised an
extensive network of private investigators over the whole of
Japan, positive that Dios would not have left Utena defenceless
in a foreign country. She split Japan into several regions with a
regional head reporting directly to her from each area. There
were daily reports from each head, summarising the investigative
efforts in their respective regions, as well as a sorted and
consolidated list of all activities carried out. Each region is
further broken down into its respective prefectures and then into
districts. If an area is highly populated or has geographical
hindrance such as vast coverage or navigational difficulty over
certain terrain, then it is chopped into manageable areas and
assigned to groups that report to their respective heads.

All regional heads have responsibility over resource requisition,
appropriation and allocation. They can acquire any justifiable
equipment and people required without obtaining prior permission.
A monthly consolidated list of expenses is reviewed by Himemiya
together with the regional heads to ensure that they are doing
their jobs diligently.

She requires all leads, no matter how small, to be followed by a
specialised team of investigators handpicked by the city or area
head. All leads are recorded, including the places visited, the
people interacted with, the events observed, the questions asked
and the progress made. Every minute detail on every lead is
written down and sent to Himemiya as part of the daily reports.
She also has a team of well-connected individuals who can open
certain closed doors for her investigators.

At the start of the investigation, she told the regional heads to
approach every hospital and clinic and to search for a patient
who matched Utena description and statistics, and was admitted
with multiple stab wounds on that fateful night or within a two
weeks time frame. All underground medical facilities were also to
be checked and the police records to be combed through. Anyone
remotely resembling Utena’s description is to be investigated and
found. Himemiya will then personally see or meet each of them and
ascertain if the person is Utena. She is unwilling to let others
screen the potentials, in case they dismiss the real Utena.

Himemiya finished the first quick run through of the reports and
went back to each of the flagged items and proceeded to enter her
comments and thoughts, as well as to issue additional
instructions. The light on her mobile phone started blinking and
she activated the telephony application on her notebook to answer
the call.

"Himemiya-san, Mamuro desu. We have located another girl in
Osaka. A doctor who does house calls recalled treating a young
woman as a favour to an acquaintance. I know you are coming down
soon for another case, how about seeing this one after your
meeting with the first girl?"

Mamuru had been in the police force for 20 years and he had
finely honed instincts and a nose for good leads. He was also one
of the first regional heads recruited by Himemiya. She opened her
calendar application and saw that her appointment book was fully
packed for the next month.

"All right. I will push back the flight to Kyoto. Please ensure
that all arrangements are made properly and that I am delayed no
longer than necessary."

"Please do not worry, I will personally handle everything. Her
file will be sent to you immediately. There is another case, but
in a different city, may I know if at your earliest
convenience................"

This went on all night as many calls were received and it was
only 4 hours to her next flight by the time she was finished. She
decided to call it a night and to go through all the reports
received today again on the plane tomorrow. Each report will be
gone through with a fine-toothed comb to ensure that nothing was
overlooked in the investigations and then she will painstakingly
key in each item into her private database on the notebook. A
copy of her database is stored in a mini digital disc, which is
placed in a flat 2-inch square case. The disc is updated everyday
and attached to a chain around her neck and worn like a locket
for safekeeping.

As she lay in bed preparing to sleep, she took out her most
treasured possession and traced a gentle finger over it.

"Don’t worry, I will not give up. I will not lose hope because
you are alive and as long as you are alive, I will find you, and
someday...."

It has been three years since she embarked on this search, but
she had never felt despair or hopelessness because Utena had
taught her that miracles were possible and with each passing day,
she felt that she was one step closer to finding her. She felt
ChuChu snuggling close and fell asleep with the photo of her and
Utena pressed to her heart.




Chapter Two:

There was a sound and a rush of air behind me. I smiled to myself
and bought my left arm up to block the blow and twisted it to
lock my assailant’s right arm in a hold while I shifted my weight
to my left leg so that my right will not buckle from the strain.
Then I spun on my left leg with my right arm extended and the
base of my palm ready to slam into his jaw. My attacker shouted
and begged for mercy, but my hand continued its descent. It flew
over his face to land on his head and I tousled his mop of golden
curls mercilessly.

He winced as if I had really punched him and I supposed that to a
12- year old boy, being treated like a kid might actually be
worse. As I released him, I thought once again how much he
reminded me of Tsuwabuki. I looked at his crestfallen face and
felt compelled to reassure him.

"You’ve improved. Just work on being more quiet, maybe you need
better shoes."

He beamed and started chattering non-stop about his day at
school. His kendo lessons were great, a new sensei just arrived
from another school and he is so cool. The test today was okay
but there will be a quiz tomorrow that he forgot about. Then,
there is the girl that always annoys him with her demands and
then calls him an idiot. I interrupted his ranting to suggest
that maybe the girl likes him.

"No way! That’s impossible!"

He looked horrified at the thought and I grinned at his
expression.

"Why not? You’re so cute, you will grow up to be a handsome young
man and break many girls’ hearts."

He opened his mouth, but could not say anything and then a flush
stole up his face. I looked at him in amusement and could not
resist teasing him.

"Are you blushing? Maybe you like her too."

His face turned positively beet red as he rigorously denied any
such feelings.

"Okay, I believe you. Calm down. But seriously, if you don’t like
her, let her down easy okay?"

Then a grey haired man popped his head out from the kitchen into
the dining area of the small eatery that we were standing in and
called out.

"Stop fooling around! Yutaka-chan, I need you to cut the
vegetables now."

Yutaka yelped, dumped his schoolbag behind the counter and then
ran into the kitchen. I made my way more sedately towards the
kitchen and leaned against the doorway.

"You’re in a testy mood today. What’s wrong? Who managed to rile
my sweet tempered Mao-san?"

Mao gave me a partly frustrated, partly angry look and sighed.

"It’s Rui-chan, she skipped school again today. I don’t
understand her. I don’t know what she’s thinking and I can’t seem
to get through to her. And she seemed to be doing so well too."

Rui is a 14-year old girl who lost her parents in a car accident
and was adopted by Mao two years ago. She was the only child of
the next-door eatery owners and when her parents were killed, she
was too old to attract good foster homes. Mao offered to take her
as an apprentice until she could run the eatery on her own.
Because the eatery would fetch a better rental if the above
apartment where she and her family used to stay were also
available for rent, Mao offered to put her up together with us in
his house. Before long, Rui agreed to become the newest addition
to this odd little family that I now called my own.

Yutaka was the first child Mao adopted. Five years ago, Yutaka
ate in Mao’s eatery and tried to sneak off without paying. Mao
agreed not to turn him over to the police on the condition that
he paid for his noodles by washing some dishes. Mao sent him off
that night with a packet of leftovers and some sweet treats.

The next day, Yutaka returned to Mao’s place asking if he could
have some food in exchange for helping out in the kitchen. This
arrangement continued for a few days before Mao managed to pry
some background information out of him. Yutaka is an orphan and
he ran away from his foster home because they treated him like a
servant. Mao checked with the welfare department and discovered
that his foster parents did not want to take him back and so Mao
decided to adopt him instead.

Rui seemed to be adjusting very well to life in our strange
household and even said that she knew her parents would be happy
for her, living with such a great family. Her grades were good
and she was a natural at cooking. Then recently, a great
opportunity arrived for her to transfer to a premier school and
we worried that she might not be able to handle another big
change in her life, and yet we also wanted her to attend a better
school. We had many family conferences and spent many late nights
discussing all angles before Rui made up her mind to accept the
transfer. Money was not a big problem as the rental from her shop
will pay part of the way and Mao promised to make up the rest of
the school fees.

For the first week or so, Rui seemed fine and was enjoying her
new school experiences. However, she recently started becoming
very moody and close-mouthed, not wanting to discuss anything
about school. Then yesterday, we got a call saying that Rui did
not attend any lessons in school the whole day. When confronted
with this information by a furious Mao last night, Rui screamed
that he was not her father and could not control her. Then she
ran and locked herself in her room.

"I’ll look for her and see if I can get anything out of her." I
reassured Mao.

Mao nodded his head and giving me a smile of gratitude, slipped
back into the kitchen. I looked at him directing Yutaka with
gruff affection and marvelled again at such a kind man, a man who
took in three strangers and treats them as his own children.

One night three years ago, Yutaka went to a deserted park behind
the house to search for a stray cat that followed him home the
previous day, and even dragged Mao along to help him. They were
searching near a neglected rose bush where the cat liked to play
at when Yutaka discovered a body. Mao rushed to the scene and
hugging a shocked Yutaka, he said that the guy was probably just
resting and that they should leave. But Yutaka insisted that the
person was not dead but hurt, and should they not help?

Mao reluctantly agreed to examine the body, planning to just give
it a cursory check and then reassure Yutaka that the man was fine
and needed no help. But when he turned the body over, he
discovered that the person was still alive but seriously injured.

"Why it is just a young girl! The ground is soaked with her blood
but she is still breathing. Yutaka, go back to the house and call
an ambulance! No wait, these look like knife wounds, she might
have been involved in a yakuza fight. Go get a thin black book
from the bottom drawer of my desk and search for the name Toei,
then call the number beside it and give the man who answers my
name. Tell him that someone is seriously injured and that he is
to come to my house with his medical supplies and a lot of blood.
Then take all the blankets in the storeroom and place half of
them on the dining room floor like a futon. Next go collect all
the clean towels and fill all our pails with water and put them
next to the blankets "

Yutaka ran to do his bidding and then opened the door to wait for
Mao’s return. In a short time, Mao walked into the house with the
girl cradled gently in his arms and wrapped in his jacket. He
then laid her on the pile of blankets and stripped off her
bloodied and tattered clothes. Taking the towels, he started
wiping away the blood on her face and body and applied pressure
on the fatal looking wounds. The floor was soon littered with
blood soaked towels and the pails of water became red. Yutaka
changed the water and washed the towels while Mao continued
working on cleaning her up and trying to stop the bleeding. Mao
cursed as her long hair was matted with blood and dirt and
interfered with his ministrations.

Muttering an apology and promising that it will grow back as fine
as before if she managed to survive, Mao chopped off her long
locks and used a pair of scissors to crop her hair close to her
head. He noticed that her hair was a vibrant strawberry colour
but that some of her roots had turned white. Mao frowned as he
wondered if she was suffering from more traumas other than her
terrible physical injuries. At that moment, the doctor arrived
and rushing to her side, he said,

"I did not know the patient’s blood type and so I brought 10 bags
of type ‘O’ blood. The universal donor you know."

Mao thanked him and told him the girl’s condition while the
doctor hooked up his apparatus and started the blood transfusion.
Then he bent over the girl and started stanching the bleeding,
followed by the cleaning and stitching up of the numerous wounds.
He then applied cream on her burnt and blistered left hand and
bandaged it. The right leg was then set but could not be put in a
cast or supported by splints due to the many wounds on her leg.

By the time the doctor was finished, five hours had passed and
the three guys were exhausted. They then gave her a thorough
sponge bath, being careful of her wounds, and then bandaged her
up. Because of her numerous wounds, she ended up looking like an
Egyptian mummy. As the blankets she was lying on were soaked in
her blood, they spread the remaining clean blankets on a cleared
space on the floor and placed her on this makeshift bed. Mao then
helped the doctor pack up his supplies and walked him to the
door.

"Domo arigato gozaimasu, sensei. Your work tonight was
exceptional, I will go down to your office tomorrow and give you
a check for your services tonight. But I think that money is
inadequate compensation, so if there is anything...?"

"I just did my duty, and anyway I am in your debt since the day
you rescued my son from that drunk driver at the risk of your own
life. I am happy that I was able to help you. By the way, she is
not out of danger yet. Check her wounds for signs of infection
when you change her bandages. Soak a cloth in this medicine and
place it on the infected wound to draw out the pus. Do this until
only blood is drawn out. Make sure that the wounds are clean and
check that the redness and puffiness goes down, and that the
surrounding area is not hot to the touch. Change her dressing
twice a day and feed her lots of fluids. Call me if she takes a
turn for the worse."

The patient passed the next two weeks in a half delirious
condition, beset by both nightmares and the fevers of her
weakened body. It took almost two months for the wounds to heal
but they were still tender and her body was too weak to move much
on its own. Six months passed before she could move freely,
albeit with much difficulty and pain. It took another five months
before she recovered her full strength, or as much of her
strength that could be expected under the circumstances.

I started helping out in the eatery two years ago and the
unceasing care and concern that Mao and Yutaka had showered on me
these past years helped me rebuild my life and regain my
confidence. I shook my head, remembering how in the first few
weeks, Yutaka had rushed home from school everyday, with some
treat for me to eat or play with. For a while there, I wondered
if he was treating me as a replacement for the stray cat that he
lost on the night they had found me. On the second day after my
fever broke for good and I was blessedly clear-headed, Yutaka ran
into the room and showed me a bunch of cherry blossoms clutched
in his hands.

"Look what I got for you! It matches your hair."

Mao came in a few minutes later and sitting down beside my bed,
he said gently,

"Konnichiwa. I see that you are feeling better. Now that you are
lucid, could you tell us your name? We can’t keep calling you
‘the girl’ or ‘the patient’."

I looked at his kind face and Yutaka’s beaming expression and
gazing at the flowers in his hands, I said,

"Sakura. You can call me Sakura."




Chapter Three:


The next day, Rui had not returned home yet and we were getting
worried. We searched all her usual haunts but with no success. I
decided to ask around her new school after I finished my work at
the eatery. As I went about sweeping and then mopping the floor,
I contemplated my next move. I brushed my hair out of my eyes and
wondered if I should cut my hair again. After my recovery, I had
grown accustomed to the convenience of having short hair,
especially with my almost useless left hand. Now I kept it in a
style similar to Miki’s three years ago.

The doors of the eatery suddenly burst open to admit a rowdy
group of children. A chorus of ‘Sakura-san’ greeted me, and I
returned the greeting with a general ‘Konnichiwa’. They all
started talking at the same time as they made they way towards me
and as I tried to answer and listen, I felt the beginnings of a
headache as their attempt at conversation rapidly degenerated
into a shouting match. I sternly told them to be quiet and to
stop messing up my clean floor. They were chastened enough to
make their way in relative quiet to the corner table, though I
could still hear them blaming each other for my loss of temper.

Other children started coming in drips and drabs and I waved them
all to the corner table. A few minutes later, Yutaka ran out of
the kitchen and taking my mop away, proceeded to drag me towards
the corner table, which was now occupied by around 20 kids
ranging from eight to fourteen years old. I protested that I had
to finish cleaning the floor and then lay the tables.

"I’ll help you with the tables later. Come on!"

"Why don’t you guys start on your homework first, I will help
after I’ve finished my work."

"Don’t you remember? You said that if we scored above 70 for our
tests, you would tell a story first, and then help us with the
homework. And after that, tell an absolutely fantastic story. You
promised!"

And so I did, I promised them an extra treat before our study
session today because they did so well. The daily study sessions
started over a year ago when Yutaka began taking kendo lessons.
His grades fell because he did not do his homework as he spent
all his time training. I offered to tutor him and help him with
his homework after school, but he was distracted and did not want
to study. Finally I told him that if he managed to finish his
homework without any mistakes before 5 pm, then I will then tell
him the history of kendo. He was hooked.

Thus began our daily study sessions and a few days later, he
brought a few of his fellow kendo trainees and classmates because
they were so impressed by his retelling of my stories that they
wanted to hear them too. I told them that no one was allowed to
hear my stories unless he or she did their homework here and that
everyone had to finish by 5pm. These children began bringing
their friends as well and before long, word got out and other
children from the neighbouring shops and residences came to join
us. There is even a nine-year old boy who comes with his four
year old sister, and the first time he came, he said that he
wanted to join us but he had to look after his little sister and
so he brought along her homework as well. With an utterly serious
expression on his little face, he handed me a colouring book and
I accepted it with an equally grave expression. I even sat down
with the little girl and showed her how to colour within the
lines and told her that the sky was supposed to be blue, not
green.

For almost a year now, Rui had participated in our study sessions
and because she was so smart and diligent, she always finished
her homework way before time and had even started helping the
other children. I encouraged her to attempt telling some of the
stories and she was quite excited and had prepared some wonderful
topics. However, she seemed to have lost interest in telling the
stories and had even stopped attending the recent sessions.

I looked at the children’s expectant faces and racked my brain
for an interesting bit of history to tell. After the study and
story session was over, I shooed the kids home and rushed through
the rest of my work. Walking to the back of the eatery to keep my
cleaning implements, I saw Mao trying unsuccessfully to move a
carton of empty beer bottles and quickly storing my stuff, I
walked over to him and adopting an arrogant stance, I announced
that he should let his younger and stronger helper carry the
carton.

With his help, I managed to get the carton on my right shoulder,
but almost lost my balance. Not wanting to eat my words, I
struggled with my burden and slowly regained my balance. I then
proceeded to cockily walk out the building, or at least I tried
to. Once I reached the designated point outside the building, I
started a complicated manoeuvre to place the carton on the ground
without having to bend my right leg. However, I miscalculated and
I felt the carton and the bottles about to slide and crash to the
floor.

Suddenly the weight on my shoulder was gone and I turned back to
see Kayama effortlessly holding up the carton of bottles, then
putting it on the floor. He straightened and grinned down at me.
I mumbled my thanks and stepped around him to limp back to the
eatery. He fell in step beside me and asked,

"What’s up little lady? You seem distressed."

"I’m not little and I’m not a lady." I grumbled, wondering if he
was trying to patronise me.

"Of course you’re not. You’re a petty and scarred cripple." He
said cheerfully.

I stopped in my tracks and turned to stare at him, not sure
whether to be amused or angry. He was the only person who was so
candid about my physical disfigurement and disabilities. Not even
Mao mentioned them and everyone treated the subject as if it was
taboo, everyone but Kayama. The first time we met was at this
very spot, where he rescued me from a nasty fall while I was
trying to carry a sack of potatoes with one hand. He had taken it
from me and looking at my dishevelled appearance, he shook his
head and said that he will bring it in for me. As I followed him
into the eatery, my leg throbbing, my back aching and my pride in
tatters, I had never felt so useless, worthless and humiliated.

After he had gracefully deposited the sack in the kitchen, I
stood in front of him and managed to stammer out my thanks for
his help, trying to muster some genuine gratitude while unable to
feel anything but resentment that he had witnessed my inability
to accomplish the simplest of tasks. He grinned down at me as if
he knew what I was thinking and feeling and said,

"If you really want to thank me little lady, let me paint you."

He said that he was a painter and writer of some small repute and
he wanted me to be the subject of his new book and painting. I
thought he was crazy and dismissed his words, but that incident
happened a year ago and he was still popping by at least three
times a week, sometimes staying in the eatery for hours,
sketching or writing. He never showed me his work and I never
bothered to find out more about him.

We stood outside the eatery facing each other and I examined him
from head to toe. Jet black short hair framed his disconcertingly
cheerful face, unusual for a man professed to be in an industry
notorious for being populated by temperamental and moody people.
His features were attractive in a rugged sort of way and his
sleekly muscled physic was more suited to a fighter than a
creator of artistic work. He was five years older and a full head
taller than me. I tilted my head back to look him full in the
face and asked him,

"You know Kayama-san, you are not a bad looking guy, you are
young and I assume talented, surely you have better things to do
than to harass poor disabled girls?"

"Sure I do, I would greatly prefer to be painting and writing
about them."

"Why? What’s so fascinating about me, the way I am now, the way I
look?"

"You look like a female pirate, that scar on your cheek gives you
a rakish air, your limp makes you look like you have a wooden leg
and your left hand reminds me of Captain Hook! In addition, you
emanate such strength, and you seem wise beyond your years. Your
eyes tell of great pain and sorrow endured but they also speak
with compassion and kindness. You are an enigma, to be explored
and understood."

That was the most impassioned speech that Kayama had yet made,
and as usual I was by turns infuriated and flattered that such a
person is bothering to analyse me. Then he surprised me by
changing the subject.

"By the way, I came to tell you that I just saw Rui-san in the
park with a group of youngsters. I heard that you were looking
for her."

"Yes! Oh, thank you!" I said, truly grateful this time. I went
into the eatery to tell Mao that I will be in the park looking
for Rui and left immediately. By the time I found her, she was
alone sitting on a bench, looking despondent and lost. She was
going to grow into a real beauty and her long maroon hair was her
crowning glory. I sat down beside her and clamped my right hand
on her left arm so that she could not escape.

She turned in surprise to face me, obviously so deep in thought
that she did not notice me approaching. I looked at her familiar
face and saw relief warring with anger at my intrusion. When I
first met her, she was so sad at the loss of her parents and
quite timid in her dealings with us. But she was such a sweet
girl and she opened herself to our care and love. She became like
a little sister to me and she confided her deepest feelings to me
and we grew very close. However, she was becoming more distant
during the past two weeks and I worried that she might be facing
some crisis alone.

"We missed you at today’s study session, did something more
interesting come up in school? What’s wrong Rui-chan? Please tell
me."

"Onee-chan, I’m fine, it’s nothing. I just have a lot of
schoolwork lately and am very busy. Sorry about the study
session, I will try to .........I ......I’m fine. Really, I..."

And then unexpectedly, she broke down and cried in my arms and I
just held her tightly, not saying anything. When she finally
subsided, she haltingly told me about her crush on a boy in her
new school and how overjoyed she was when he wrote her a letter
saying that he noticed her since her first day in school and
wondered if they could go on a date. She readily agreed and the
boy was gallant and fun, bringing her along when he and his
friends went out. They would all go to the movies, the arcade and
even bars, staying out late and having the time of their lives.

Occasionally, the boy would forget his wallet and she would offer
to pay for him and sometimes he would offer to treat everyone but
would not have enough money and she would end up picking up the
tab. However, the gratitude and affection he showed her after
every such occasion actually made her happy that she could help
him. The treats became more and more frequent and soon every
outing was paid with her money. She quickly began to feel the
financial strain but was so in love that she could not bear to
stay away from him for even a day.

Yesterday, Rui realised that she had spent all her savings, as
well as all the money in her bank account reserved for paying her
school fees. The fees were due tomorrow and she had no idea what
to do. She could not tell any of us about her predicament and so
today when she came to the park to meet them for yet another
outing at her expense, she told the boy that she could not afford
to pay for them anymore and that she had no money to pay for her
school fees. She asked him for help thinking that he would be
able to find a way to solve her problems.

But in front of all his friends, he called her an idiot and said
that without any money to spend, she held no attraction for him.
He told her that the next time they meet she had better have
enough money on her. Then they all departed, just a few minutes
before I arrived on the scene. My heart ached for the pain that
she had endured, with no one to comfort her. I hugged her and
said gently,

"Don’t worry, we will figure out a way to get the money, the
important thing is that you realise what a jerk that boy is. I
won’t let him bother you again."

Rui turned her face towards me and said softly,

"But I don’t want to leave him, please give me some money so that
I can go look for him and get him to take me back."

I looked at her in astonishment and tried to make her understand,

"Rui-chan I know it is hard to accept, but that boy does not love
you. He is only using you to finance his many activities. He does
not deserve your ..."

But before I could finish, Rui tore herself away from my arms and
standing in front of me she cried,

"Oh why did I think that you would understand?! What do you know
of love and romance? You think that you know what’s best for me
but you can’t even protect yourself! Look at yourself! You’re a
freak that no one will ever want, so how can you understand what
it means to be loved? You are ugly and useless!!!"

I felt the words like a physical blow, as if she had struck my
face, and a horrible silence descended over us. Then somehow, out
of nowhere I felt this cold anger and it gave me the strength to
rise from the bench and stand facing her while I said quietly,

"You’re right, I am useless. I could not protect anyone. But that
is not your problem is it? No one can protect you, only you can
help yourself. That boy might be scum but he is not the one
binding you to his will. You are the one holding yourself in
thrall to him. You can walk away and never have to suffer his
abuse anymore and he would not be able to do anything to stop
you. There is no point in forcing you to accept help, because
this kind of help will not be treasured and will be discarded
eventually. You have to be the one to want to be saved. You have
to be the one asking for help. You allowed yourself to be abused
because you think you do not deserve any better. The first step
in breaking free of your chains is to regain your dignity, your
sense of self-worth and the confidence in your own abilities and
capabilities. After realising that he is not better than you, you
will be able to walk away. Do not expect anyone else to save you.
It is no one’s responsibility but your own."

I turned away from Rui and before I left the park, I said, almost
under my breath,

"I am not asking you to choose between the both of us. I know
more than anyone that no matter how abusive and tyrannical the
other person is, there is no way I will be able to match up to
your ideal image of him. I am asking you to question your
original intention and goal in wanting to be with him. Is it
because you wanted to be happy and you believed he could give you
happiness? Well then Rui-chan, are you happy?"

With that, I walked out of the park and a blessed numbness
enveloped me so that I did not have to deal with the hurt that
Rui’s words had dealt me. My legs moved of their own accord and I
soon found myself on the premises of Rui’s new school. I found
the Administrative Building and asked the clerk on duty if I
could pay a student’s fees here. The clerk looked up at me and I
tried to ignore her poorly concealed stares at my deformities. I
told her that I had trouble depositing the fees into Rui’s normal
account and asked if she could just deduct the money straight
from my personal account.

The transactions proceeded smoothly and I scrutinised the receipt
to ensure that the school fees were paid in time. I then thanked
the clerk for her help and made my way slowly and painfully back
to my house.













Chapter 4:

I heard my name, my real name, being called from a distance and I
turned disbelieving eyes to face the caller, for the voice was
one that I will never forget. I saw Himemiya walking towards me,
her lips still calling my name. How could this be? She was dead.
I saw her fall into the darkness.

But she continued towards me, her eyes soft with yearning and I
reached out my left hand and saw her reach hers out as well.
Could this be possible? Himemiya is alive and unharmed, a
miracle, truly a miracle. Just as our hands were about to touch,
Himemiya jerked back her hand and with a horrified expression on
her face, she pointed to my hand and asked,

"What is that?!"

"This?" I asked, holding out my left hand, "It is my hand."

"No! That is a claw."

I drew back my hand as if it had been burnt a second time and
stared at Himemiya with a stricken expression. My heart felt
squeezed and I could hardly breathe from the pain in my chest.
Himemiya looked at me contemptuously and sneered,

"How can you expect me to touch THAT? How can you expect me to
accept you like this? Look at yourself!"

A full-length mirror suddenly appeared in front of me and I
realised that somehow, all my clothes had disappeared. I stared
at my naked body reflected in the mirror and every scar looked
jagged and enlarged with ridges, my left hand was charred and
shrunken, my right leg was twisted and the skin warped and
knobbly.

"I can’t bring myself to embrace that monstrosity. Just the sight
of it fills me with disgust! A lifetime of facing that ugliness
is more punishment than even the Devil deserves. Tell me, how do
you go about serving customers everyday? Don’t they turn their
faces away from you in fright? Or do they point and stare as if
you were a freak in a circus act? When you serve them their food,
are they not revolted by your scarred face and by the fact that
this deformed creature had handled their food? If the business
suffers, is it not because your mere presence drives the
customers away? I will not allow myself to be contaminated by
your deformities!"

My heart felt it was being shredded slowly into fine strips and
then twisted and turned in every direction. My face was bathed in
tears and my throat was parched and constricted, but I managed to
croak out a pathetic plea,

"But I suffered all this in order to save you, don’t I deserve
some sympathy?"

Himemiya was now lying in her coffin, with her hands crossed in
front of her chest, but her eyes were open and gazed at me with
disdain.

"You deserve nothing. I am dead because of you. If you were a
better person, I would have chosen you over Akio, but in every
way, I found you lacking."

"No! Please, give me another chance!" I implored, "I will try
harder!"

Himemiya closed her eyes and just before the coffin was sealed
she said,

"It is too late, you can offer me nothing now. Before, you at
least had your beauty and your fighting skills, but you have
nothing to offer now."

"No! Himemiya please, give me another chance, give me another
chance, give me another chance..."

I sat up in bed, once more drenched in sweat, my heart pounding
and hurting as if it remembered the treatment it had received in
the dream. I got out of bed slowly, my whole body aching as if it
had endured a beating. I opened my bedroom door and went into the
dining area, hoping to find some sleeping pills to drive the
nightmares away.

Instead I saw a figure seated on the floor, and recognising Rui,
I started to turn back and return to my room because I did not
think that I could endure another confrontation after the
gruelling nightmare. However, Rui had seen me come out of the
room and she stood up to face me.

"Onee-chan," she said softly, "I...I..."

I realised that she was crying and instinctively moved forward to
comfort her, but stopped just before I touched her, suddenly
remembering her words this afternoon. I knew that at this moment,
I would not be able to survive her rejecting my embrace.

But Rui threw herself into my arms and unable to support her
weight, we fell onto the floor with Rui lying on top of me and
her head pressed against my chest. In between her tears I heard
her cry out,

"I’m very sorry, very very sorry...I did not mean it, really I
don’t! I love you! I love you so much, you are the closest family
I have and my best friend. I love you! I will never see that boy
again, I promise you. I will never make you angry again. I will
listen to all you say. I’m sorry! Please forgive me! You know I
didn’t mean those words right? Don’t you?"

I stroked my right hand through her hair to calm her down and
murmured reassurances,

"Don’t worry Rui-chan, I know you didn’t mean it, I know."

I shifted my weight so that Rui was lying against my body and not
my right leg and made sure that my left hand did not touch her
body. Then I rested my unblemished cheek against the top of her
head. I swore to myself that I would not allow this innocent
child to be contaminated by my deficiencies.

The next morning, Rui apologised to Mao for her previous
behaviour and for making him worried. I assured him that we had
everything under control and that she just had a small problem
adjusting to a new school. Rui hesitated but gathered her courage
and said,

"About the school fees, I..."

But I interrupted and handed Mao the receipt for the school fees
and told him that they sent it early this month. The receipt had
no account numbers and only acknowledged full and prompt payment.
Mao was pleased and relieved and I squeezed Rui’s arm to let her
know that this would be our little secret.





















Chapter Five:

The airport was crowded and the three men dressed in dark suits
kept a close eye on the people leaving the arrival hall. The
arrival board stated that the plane landed 15 minutes ago and she
was expected to appear any minute now. Mamuro swept the crowd
with his eyes again and tried once more to still the anticipation
he felt upon knowing that he would see Himemiya Anshii again.

The fascination that she held for him was not romantic or sexual
in nature, instead she was a mystery to him, like a puzzle that
his analytical mind needed to solve. She was very young, not even
twenty, but she seemed much older and wise beyond her years. That
she could organise such a wide-scale and complex operation was
mind-boggling, not to mention the resources and connections she
has at her command in order to set everything up.

He had a pretty good idea of the kind of hectic schedule and life
she had been living for the past three years in trying to find
this Utena. But she never showed any signs of exhaustion or burn
out. She was never impatient or depressed about the lack of
results from the past three years of searching, she never lost
her temper and was always mild mannered and soft-spoken. She has
never shown any signs of giving up but instead seemed to emanate
this supreme confidence of attaining success one day.

On the surface, there seems to be no urgency in her search, but
the seriousness that she shows when discussing anything related
to the search and the extraordinary concentration that she
displays in examining every single detail related to a case,
makes you aware that this is very important to her. The focus of
all her energies towards looking for this one person fills her
with an intensity that hangs about her like an almost palpable
aura, and sometimes when she talks or listens to you, you can
almost see the intensity of her emotions.

Mamuro is an expert at reading people, but he can never guess
what she is thinking or feeling. It is as if she had long
perfected the art of sealing her emotions and thoughts within
her, and yet she does not come across as cold, aloof or remote.
You just get the feeling that she is a very private, introverted
person and something in you prevents you from wanting to invade
that privacy. She has an air of mystery about her that is not
contrived but just feels like a part of her, as if she was born
with it. She never draws attention to herself, and indeed her
actions are always unhurried yet economical, very efficient and
effective, but when she talks, you find yourself listening
carefully and when she listens to you, you find yourself
flattered and flustered at her attention.

He felt the two men beside him stir and he looked up to see
Himemiya making her way rapidly yet gracefully towards them. The
respective prefecture and district heads in charge of the cases
to be addressed today were with him, and they recognised her from
previous similar assignments. He felt them adjusting their
clothes and he resisted the urge to follow suit. She nodded at
the three men when she reached them and then they all walked to
the black limousine waiting for them.

Once in the car, Himemiya opened her carrier and out popped
ChuChu. Mamuro smiled at the little guy and digging into his
pocket, took out a bar of chocolate. ChuChu pounced on the treat
and while he was munching happily, the three men proceeded to
brief her on the latest happenings in the various districts under
their care.

"Lastly, your schedule for today. Your first meeting is with
Yamamoto Yuriko. We told her that we are from a new cosmetic
company and that we are testing the market for our first range of
products. Therefore, we are getting some people on the street to
test our product but because of competitive reasons, we can’t
disclose our brand name. She asked if she could bring a friend
and they are both in the hotel now, trying out the products and
waiting to give their opinions to the company’s spokesperson."

Mamuro fell silent and looked at Himemiya with a straight face.
She cocked an eyebrow at him and said, "I see, what cosmetics are
we using and do they really believe our story?"

"My sister-in-law works for the research department of an
established cosmetics company and her team has just obtained the
health approval for some new products. In fact, any opinions and
suggestions they give might be helpful." Mamuro deadpanned just
as the car stopped outside one of the finest hotels in the city.

ChuChu hopped on Himemiya’s shoulder and they all climbed out of
the car and walked into the lobby. They took one of the exclusive
lifts that serviced the hotel’s most luxurious suites and entered
the enormous suite booked under Himemiya’s name.

Himemiya held a squirming ChuChu out to Mamuro and putting on a
wide smile, she went forward to greet the two girls warmly,

"Konnichiwa, I am the company’s spokesperson, Kazuya Noriko.
Please take a seat. I would just like to ask you two some
questions about our products."

As Himemiya led them to the sofa, Mamuro handed her a clipboard
with the list of questions that the actual cosmetics company asks
of all the participants in a market test. Himemiya shot him an
amused look but obediently took the clipboard and began to ask
the questions in an interested and professional manner. She even
wrote down their answers and suggestions. This continued for over
half an hour before the two girls were thanked and escorted out
with complimentary sets of the products.

"She’s not the one. I knew it the minute I saw her." Himemiya
said while cuddling ChuChu in her arms, "However, she knows quite
a lot about cosmetics, maybe the company should consider hiring
her. By the way, your sister-in-law might want to know that the
foundation needs more moisture and less oil, and that the eye
shadow has too much glitter for normal occasions. Also a glossy
lipstick would be a good addition to the new range. So what’s
next?"

Mamuro gave her an incredulous look, wondering if she had just
cracked a joke. However, he shook his head and said bemusedly,

"This is a new case, we found out earlier this week that a doctor
had taken a large quantity of blood from a local blood bank one
night three years ago. We tracked him down and told him that we
were checking on illegal human blood trade and asked if he had a
legitimate reason and means of the disposal of such a large
quantity of blood in such a short time. He assured us that it was
all overboard and that he was just helping someone who was hurt
too seriously to be moved without treatment. We managed to get
the address and name of this person, saying that it was just a
routine check and no one would get into trouble.

His patient is a girl called Sakura, I don’t know if that is her
family name or not. She is one of three children adopted by a man
named Mao, who owns a small restaurant. The family is well liked
in the neighbourhood and everyone is pretty closed mouthed about
the background of the three kids, figuring that they had all
suffered a lot and that they should not go around repeating other
people’s misfortunes. Anyway, it appears that she was adopted
three years ago and no one knows much about her past because she
was not from around here.

We haven’t had any good opportunities to take clear photographs
of her yet without being detected, and the investigators are
thinking of constructing a few opportunities of their own. But
since you’re already here, we might be able to avoid some
trouble. It seems that the team in this district is particularly
creative in their problem solving methods."

Mamuro ended his report with a dark look at the embarrassed
district head, for it seems that this district had been
experiencing some trouble with the law while conducting their
investigations. He then continued,

"So Himemiya-san, if you are game for an early dinner, we will go
to this eatery as customers and you can observe her from there."







Chapter 6:

Today’s study session was well under way and I noticed that the
children were occupying three tables. I went into the kitchen and
asked Mao if I could leave early today, as I was planning to go
to the library before it closed,

"I promised the kids that tomorrow I would tell them about the
first Samurai, but I don’t even have the foggiest idea of who he
is and what he did. I thought of doing some research in the
library."

Mao looked up from his chopped vegetables and asked me in
exasperation,

"Why can’t you just make up some stories, some fairy tales might
be interesting as well."

I looked at him and tried to conceal the sudden pain I felt in my
chest,

"Fairy tales are dangerous, someone might actually believe them
and aim for the impossible."

I could not bear the surprised look on his face and quickly went
out the kitchen to rejoin the children. The study group was
growing more quickly than anything I had ever imagined, and I
wondered if it was appropriate to continue having the sessions in
the eatery. After the lunch peak hours, customers usually did not
come until around 6pm and since in the beginning there were only
a few children in the study group, having the lessons here were
not a problem. But just because they were unusual, does not mean
that no one comes in before 6pm, and having to look after such a
large group of children might hinder the smooth running of the
business.

As if to make my point, the front door of the eatery opened. I
looked up to see two guys in suits walk in and I shouted out a
greeting. I was about to rise and serve them when Rui, who was
sitting next to me, laid a hand on my arm to stop me and said,

"Let me do it. Stay and help the others."

I nodded and went back to tackling Yutaka’s math problem. The
door opened again and I heard Rui welcome the new customers and
thus did not bother to look up because I knew that Rui would take
care of them. The math problem was really tough, nothing that I
had ever done before when I was in school. I realised that very
soon I would not be able to help some of the older kids with
their schoolwork anymore, but maybe Rui will agree to take care
of the higher levels. However, Yutaka was not concentrating on
his work and I heard him say to one of his male classmates,

"Wow! Will you look at that, she is such a babe! She looks like a
foreigner."

All the boys at the table were in furious agreement and it was
obvious that none of them were doing their work anymore. I was
frustrated and said sternly to Yutaka,

"Can you concentrate on your math? I’m not the one who has to
hand in this homework tomorrow okay."

But he barely spared me a glance and instead turned back to his
friend and said excited,

"Hey! She’s looking in this direction. Do you think she is
looking at me?"

"You idiot, why would she want to look at YOU?!" his friend
objected vehemently.

"Wait, she’s coming this way. Oh my God, is she really walking
here?" Yutaka asked of on one in particular, as by this time,
everyone was looking in fascination at this ‘Vision of
Loveliness’. I wanted to scream in frustration and turned my
chair around to face this woman who had enraptured all my
normally diligent students and looked up.

My heart stopped. My blood ran cold and my mind went numb. I
stared at her and could not help thinking that Yutaka was right.
She was exceptionally beautiful, with her dark vibrant skin and
flowing purple locks that framed her willowy figure in waves.

"I am dreaming," I said to myself, "or else I’m hallucinating,
and in broad daylight no less. Am I losing my mind?"

These thoughts and more raced through my mind as I sat motionless
on the chair and watched her walk slowly towards me. She stopped
right in front of me and I looked into her green eyes that seemed
to shallow the world. My heart was pounding and I felt gripped by
the cold hand of fear as I waited for her inevitable damning
words.

She fell gracefully to her knees before me and tilting her head
back to look at my face, she said in a low voice filled with
yearning,

"Utena-sama."

I looked down at her in bemusement and thought to myself that
never have I dreamt this before and that this was the nicest
dream I have had so far. I knew that eventually the dream would
turn ugly as all the previous ones had and I wished that the
dream would end at this moment. I heard myself say,

"I AM dreaming. I wish I could wake up now."

Then Himemiya smiled up at me and replied,

"If this is a dream, I wish I that I will never wake up."

Then from under her coat, I heard a muffled sound and out popped
a little blue head with big ears. Its eyes focused on my face and
after a moment of silence, the little monkey flew out of her coat
and landed on my lap squealing, "Chu! ChuChuChuChu! Chuuuuuuu!"

I looked at ChuChu in astonishment and of its own volition, my
right hand moved forward to cuddle the little creature. ChuChu
had never appeared in my dreams before, and the sensation of
feeling the small creature trying to hug me with his little arms
were too strange for even my demented brain to dream up.

Could this not be a dream? Could this actually be happening? If
so that would mean that Himemiya did not die, that she really was
here before me, alive and well. I looked at her carefully and
noticed that her hair was not up in her usual bun and that she
did not wear her glasses. In addition, she seemed different and
her eyes were filled with a sparkle that I had never seen in them
before. However, she also looked slightly older and under her
dark skin, I could see faint bruises under her eyes. It was the
eye bags that convinced me that this was not a dream.

"You are alive? But, how...?"

Himemiya answered my unspoken question with soft conviction,

"When Dios drew the swords to himself and managed to dissipate
their hatred, I was freed from the need to protect him and suffer
in his place. From that moment, my coffin disappeared and I was
no longer trapped in my abyss of despair, and I was no longer the
Rose Bride."

"So it was Dios who saved you after all." I whispered and
noticing the blackened rose signet ring on her finger, I said, "I
see that you’re wearing your Prince’s ring."

Himemiya smiled and said,

"Yes, this ring belongs to my Prince. I wear it because I believe
that one day I will see my Prince again. And today, my wish has
been fulfilled, my prince has returned to me."

She reached out to take my hand in hers and I had a sudden
flashback to the horrible nightmare that I had the night after my
confrontation with Rui. I snatched back my left hand and placed
it behind my back, beyond her reach. Then thrusting ChuChu back
into her arms I exclaimed,

"I am happy that you are alive and unharmed! You seem to be doing
quite well and I am grateful that you wanted to let me know that
you were saved. But you can leave now, I don’t want to hold you
up."

Himemiya cradled a puzzled ChuChu in her arms and asked in
bewilderment,

"Leave? But why should I leave after having found you at last? I
want to be with you, why are you chasing me away?"

"Just leave! There is nothing for you here! Leave this place,
go!" I cried frantically, pressing myself into the chair and
straining to get as far away from her as possible. I was
desperate not to let my nightmare repeat itself. I did not think
I could bear another rejection from her.

She rose to her feet, visibly distressed that I was so upset at
her presence and said in a hurt tone,

"All right, I will go because you ask me to. But I will not give
up."

With that she turned on her heel and left the eatery, flanked by
three men in dark suits. I became aware that everyone was staring
at me in surprise. Ever since I noticed Himemiya, everyone had
seemed to disappear, and there were only the two of us. But now I
realised with a growing dread that everyone had witnessed that
dreadful spectacle. I looked at their shocked faces and without a
word I fled the eatery as fast as I could.

I limped out the back door as fast as my right leg would allow me
and bumped into Kayama, who was just rounding the corner. He took
one look at my expression and without asking for any explanation,
he invited me to go for a drink with him at a new café that
served both coffee and alcohol, whichever I preferred. I accepted
his offer and as I stumbled along beside him, I tried to wrap my
mind around the incredulous discovery that Himemiya was alive.






























Chapter Seven:

Himemiya walked out of the eatery and stopped outside the
entrance. Mamuro was rocked back on his heels by the almost
palpable sense of despair that had settled over Himemiya. He had
never even seen her depressed before, and now she looked
dejected, positively devastated. Mamuro felt a sudden fury
against Tenjou Utena, that she would treat this woman, who had
searched for her relentlessly for three full years, so callously
in front of so many people.

After a while, Himemiya seemed to compose herself and turned to
face the three silent men behind her. Mamuro was amazed at the
change in her, she was now calm and collected and she asked him
in a determined voice,

"Where are the investigators in charge of this case? Are they in
the vicinity? Bring me to them."

They crossed the road and entered a side alley facing the
entrance of the eatery. The district head led them unerringly to
an ill lit corner and called for two people to come out. Two
figures appeared and they turned out to be a young woman and a
middle-aged man. Himemiya was quickly introduced to them and she
rapidly fired out some instructions,

"I want a tail on the woman that you are currently tracking. From
this moment on, she is never to be let out of your sight. You are
to also to act as her bodyguards and see that no harm befalls
her. Do this discretely and do not let her be aware of your
activities. If she makes any attempt to run away from this place
permanently, you are to detain her and inform me immediately."

Then she turned to the district head and asked if there were
other people working on this case. She was informed that there
were investigators stationed at various positions on both sides
of the street, as well as at the back of the eatery and around
her house as well. Himemiya nodded and said,

"See that my instructions are relayed to everyone. All other
activities are henceforth terminated. All resources and efforts
are to be focused on this case. Make sure that all my
instructions are carried out faithfully and report any events to
me directly, do you understand?"

"Hai!" they chorused, all of them standing at attention,
obviously intimidated by her fierce attitude. Then she turned to
Mamuro and said,

"We’re going back to the hotel now, you will have to help me
inform all the other regions that the search operation has been
terminated. There will be many loose ends to tie up. Also cancel
my flight, I will not be leaving tonight."

Then she turned and walked back to the car waiting for her along
the road, with Mamuro following her and leaving behind four awed
and silent people.

After all the arrangements have been made and the termination of
all operations in everywhere but Osaka was underway, Mamuro
looked at a thoughtful Himemiya and asked her what she planned to
do next.


The doorbell rang and Yutaka rushed to open the door, thinking
that it might be Sakura. However, he backed away from the woman
and man standing at the door and shouted for Mao to come. When he
saw the two imposing figures at the door, Mao swallowed and
stammered out that Sakura was not in, and that he did not know
where she was. However, Himemiya looked straight into his eyes
and said,

"I came to talk to you."

A while later, all five people were seated at the living room
table, with Mao, Rui and Yutaka on one side, facing Himemiya and
Mamuro seated on the other side. Rui poured tea for everyone and
sneaked glances at Himemiya, while Yutaka opened stared at her.
Mao picked up his cup of tea and appeared to be studying the
leaves floating in it. All three started and looked up when
Himemiya began talking without even touching her tea,

"I know you must all be wondering who I am and my relationship
with your Sakura-san. We used to be classmates and I want to
assure you that I mean her no harm. I hope that this will
convince you that I was her friend."

Himemiya reached into her inner coat pocket and took out a small
leather folder, opened it and slid it across the table. All three
bent towards it and gazed silently at the photograph. Mao broke
the silence by saying softly,

"Oh my Sakura, look at you, so young and vibrant and alive. So
happy and beautiful." Then he looked up at Himemiya with tears in
his eyes and asked, "What is her name?"

"Utena, Tenjou Utena." Himemiya intoned solemnly, as if the words
were sacred. Then Mao looked at her appraisingly and asked
hesitantly,

"Are you her...princess?"

Himemiya was taken aback and she stared at him intently asking,
"Why do you say that?"

Mao looked down at his hands and said,

"Three years ago, we found Saku...I mean Utena-san in a park,
seriously wounded. But we brought her home and nursed her back to
health. Her fever didn’t break for two weeks and there were many
nights when I thought that she would not make it. During those
nights when I kept watch by her side, she was delirious and
always seemed to be in the grip of some nightmare. In her
restless sleep, she would mumble a lot and I could only catch a
few words and they did not make any sense. But one word came up
very frequently and I used to wonder about it. She would say
‘Hime....Hime’, princess...princess."

A heavy silence hung in the air after Mao finished, and a moment
later, it was broken by a soft voice,

"My name is Himemiya Anshii, dozo yoroshiku."

Mao looked at her in wonder and said,

"I see. It took a few months for her injuries to heal and for her
to be able to walk on her own. It was almost a year before she
fully recovered. She seems contented and happy now, treating her
disabilities as if they are just minor inconveniences as she goes
about her new life. However, she never talks about her past and
some nights when I look in on her, I see her tossing and turning
and mumbling in her sleep, and I know that the nightmares have
never left her."

Himemiya leaned forward and said earnestly,

"I think I can untie the knot in her heart. I just need to get
close to her again, can you help me?"

Yutaka screwed up his courage and demanded, "Why should we trust
you? Onee-chan obviously does not want to see you!"

She looked at their solemn faces and leaning back, she said,

"Let me tell you a story. There was a girl who just transferred
to a new school. She was beautiful, humorous and very sincere.
She made everyone who met her happy and she was immensely popular
with the other students. Boys and girls fought for her attention
and she was always kind and thoughtful to her admirers, even
though it was obvious that she was embarrassed by all the
attention. She was also terribly athletic and excelled in every
sport.

One day, she stood up for a lonely girl who was being bullied and
even wanted to be her friend. But the lonely girl did not want
her help because her sufferings were in atonement for a terrible
sin previously committed and she rejected her friendship. But the
popular girl persevered and the two became close. However, in the
end, the lonely girl betrayed the other girl’s trust and hurt her
very deeply. But the other girl would not give up and instead
took upon herself the lonely girl’s punishment so that the lonely
girl would be freed of her torments."

Then Himemiya leaned forward again, with both palms pressed flat
on the table and looking at each of them in the eye, she fiercely
declared,

"The injuries of that night three years ago were suffered on my
behalf. She saved me that night, just as she had always promised
me she would.  Now let me do the same for her. I lost her once, I
will not let her go again. Help me, please!"




















































Chapter Eight:


I spent the whole day with Kayama drinking coffee and he did not
ask or say a thing, just silently kept me company. I could not
fully comprehend the idea of Himemiya being alive, that she had
not died three years ago. I still half believed that it was all
only a dream, a defensive reaction of my brain to counter all the
torturous nightmares, so that I would not go mad from the pain.

We stayed until very late, and it was after midnight when we left
the cafe. Kayama offered to put me up at his place but I
declined, thinking that I had already imposed on him too much. I
made my way to the house slowly, literally dragging my feet, not
wanting to face the barrage of questions from my family. So I was
pleasantly surprised, when I slipped through the front door, to
see that no one was waiting up for me. I heaved a sigh of relief
and went to bed, and for the first time in three years, I did not
have a nightmare.

The next morning, I woke up and realised that I had overslept. I
rushed through my morning ablutions and hurried from the house
once I discovered that everyone had already left. I walked to the
eatery and was surprised to find it deserted, as it was not a
school day and the kids should have been laying the tables. Then
I figured that they would all be in the kitchen preparing the
food for the morning customers. As I limped to the kitchen, I ran
through my head the speech that I had prepared for them, "She was
an old friend, just dropped by to say hi, no big deal ......"

Just then, the kitchen door opened and I braced myself for the
inevitable questions. However, I stood frozen in shock as
Himemiya came out of the kitchen, her hair in her usual bun and
an apron over her clothes. She smiled at me and with a cherry
"Ohaiyo gozaimasu", she breezed past me and went into the dining
area of the eatery.

I stared after her in consternation and then whipped my head back
to the three heads that had popped out of the kitchen. I glared
at them and demanded,

"What’s going on here? What is SHE doing here?"

"Err, I thought for a long time that we might be a little short
handed and when she asked if there were any vacancies here, I
decided to hire her. She is our new waitress." Mao said in a
slightly embarrassed tone. At my incredulous look, Mao coughed
and pulling both Rui and Yutaka back into the kitchen, he mumbled
something about how they still had a lot of vegetables to chop.

I was left alone outside the kitchen and I turned to watch
Himemiya happily laying the tables, she even seemed to be
humming! I decided that enough was enough, and stalked over to
confront her when she suddenly turned around to face me with that
damned cheerful smile. I gathered up my indignation but before I
could even utter a single word, Himemiya thrust ChuChu into my
arms and asked prettily,

"Could you please look after ChuChu for me? I’m afraid that he
will eat the customers’ food."

Then the eatery’s door opened to admit the first customers.
Himemiya went immediately to attend to them and left me alone
with ChuChu chattering at me, and me not having spoken one word.
I sighed and let ChuChu climb onto my shoulder.

"Come on ChuChu, we’ve both been abandoned. Let’s get to work."

As usual, the customers started streaming in and we worked non-
stop all morning. As I cleaned the tables and collected the dirty
dishes and utensils, I sneaked glances over at Himemiya and
watched her effortlessly charm all the customers. One of the
customers said that he had never seen her before and asked what
she doing in this place, I heard her say that there was something
here she liked.

During the slight lull in incoming customers after the lunch rush
hour, I stumbled out of the kitchen to escape the heat after
washing all the dishes. I walked over to an empty table and sat
down, wanting to take my weight off my throbbing leg. I took out
a box of cigarettes from my pocket and ChuChu managed to draw out
one stick and nibbled on it. I smiled at his disgusted expression
when he bit into the bitter tobacco and took the cigarette from
him. I held it between my lips and searched my pockets for a
lighter. Suddenly, the cigarette was removed from my lips and I
looked up in surprise at a smiling Himemiya. She threw the stick
into the ashtray and handed me a cup of coffee. I was too
surprised to do anything but take the cup in my right hand.

Then Himemiya sat on the chair to my left and without any
warning, took my left hand in both of hers. I almost dropped my
coffee cup but managed to put it on the table without spilling a
drop. I tried to tug my left hand away, but she would not let go.
Instead, she looked at me with those innocent green eyes and said
in a matter of fact tone,

"You are not doing anything with it now, why don’t you let me
have it instead?"

I was so stunned by her words that I could only sit there and
stare at her gently massaging my stiffened fingers. She gave each
finger her utmost attention before tenderly kneading the rest of
my damaged hand, then she began gentle flexing exercises. My hand
actually felt softer and slightly tingly with all that attention.
I sipped at my coffee in an effort to ignore the jumble of
feelings that the massage was causing in me, and nearly chocked
when I felt a different sensation. I turned my head to see
Himemiya cupping my hand over her cheek and then turning her face
inwards to kiss my scarred palm. I stared at her in amazement
because on her face was a look of blissful joy, one that I had
never even imagined to see on her normally stoic face. I snatched
my hand back and was once again amazed at the look of
disappointment on her face, as if she had been denied a treat.
Then she actually sat there and pouted at me!

I immediately buried my face in my cup and began gulping the
coffee. The next thing I knew, Himemiya had moved to the seat on
my right and lifted my right leg so that it lay straight on her
lap. I was aghast but I could not move at all with my leg in such
an awkward position, I was totally off balance. Then she
proceeded to massage my leg, and I was surprised at the strength
in her hands. I wondered how she knew that my leg was paining me,
and I was grateful for the comfort.

The door to the eatery opened again and Himemiya called a
cheerful "Irrasshaimasu!" and gently set my leg back on the
floor. Then she leaned forward and kissed me full on the mouth. I
felt as if my face was permanently fixed in a surprised
expression, and before she stood up and went to serve the new
customers, she whispered in my ear,

"Hmmm, I will fix a better cup of coffee for you the next time,
this one is a little bitter."

I stared at my warm and pliant left hand, and kneaded my right
leg, which was no longer throbbing. This was not the Himemiya I
knew! That Himemiya was passive and mild, this person was teasing
and aggressive, is she really the same person? I turned my head
to look at her again and found all the regular patrons in the
eatery staring at me as if they had never seen me before. I felt
myself blushing furiously and quickly got up and went into the
kitchen to help with the food and hide.

My mind was a wild torrent of thoughts and I kept asking myself
why she was doing this. I was soon chased out of the kitchen, as
it seemed that I was becoming a hindrance with my inattention to
my work. I went back into the dining area and saw Kayama seated
at one of the tables. He called me over and exclaimed,

"Hey, it seems you took my words the other day to heart. You even
have a parrot on your shoulder! Wait. No. That’s not a red
pirate’s parrot, it’s a ...it’s a...it’s a blue monkey!"

I took one look at his incredulous expression and could not help
but laugh. He really was quite a riot at times.

Himemiya heard the sound of a familiar laugh and turned around to
see two heads bowed in laughter, one black and one pink. She
moved over to where Rui was standing and asked her who the guy
was. Rui looked over and said,

"Oh, that’s Kayama-san. He is an artist and comes over
frequently. He says it is for inspiration but I think he might be
interested in Onee-chan."

Himemiya looked at the two expressionlessly and said,

"I see. This is the first time since I came that I’ve seen her
laugh."

Rui stole a sideways look at Himemiya and could not tell if she
sounded pleased or envious.
























































Chapter Nine:


The day went by in a flash and before I knew it, the kids were
coming in for their study session. I heard them giggling and
whispering to each other once they spotted Himemiya. I turned
around to find them all staring at the both of us in frank
curiosity, as if waiting for another scene. I frowned fiercely at
them and crisply directed them to open their books and to start
with their work.

They all obediently did as they were told but continued to steal
glimpses of us. I flatly refused to let myself be flustered by a
bunch of kids and when I went over to join them, I told them out
front that unless it was pertaining to their schoolwork, they
were not allowed to ask any questions. They all turned back to
their books and before long, I found myself struggling with yet
another of Yutaka’s math questions. I scratched my head and found
myself wishing that Miki could be here to help. I did not know
that I had said that aloud until Himemiya appeared behind me and
offered her help. I looked at her doubtfully and said,

"Are you sure? The last math test I remember, we both failed
miserably."

Himemiya smiled sweetly at me and said,

"Maybe I’ve improved, let me give it a try."

I noticed that everyone’s pencils had stopped moving and that
they were all waiting for my reaction. I felt a tug on my sleeve
and looked down to see Yutaka’s pleading expression. I never
could resist that scamp, and so just shrugged my acceptance.
Himemiya sat right beside me and leaned in close to read the
question in front of me. I was enveloped by the fragrance of
roses and suddenly felt light-headed. Then Mao called from the
kitchen, saying that there was a delivery and could someone
please handle it. I quickly scrambled to my feet and took this
opportunity to escape.

The deliveryman had forgotten some items and rather than waiting
for him to deliver it the next day, I decided to follow him back
and get them myself, since his shop was not far. However, there
were some problems with the invoice and by the time we sorted
everything out and I returned to the eatery, it was almost 5pm. I
realised that the children were probably waiting for their story
and hurried into the dining area through the back door. I need
not have worried for I saw all the children listening to Himemiya
telling a story animatedly. Her back was to me and she did not
notice as I silently made my way towards them, and I caught her
last words,

"....then the Prince used his broken weapon to defeat the evil
green haired monster and rescued the Princess from his clutches!"

"Saionji would not be pleased to hear you describe him that way."
I said dryly at the end of her tale. Himemiya whipped around and
stared at me in embarrassment. I cocked an eyebrow at her and
asked,

"You weren’t planning on re-enacting all the duels, were you?"

"I didn’t know...I mean I thought that you wouldn’t mind, I...I
didn’t mean to talk about the past...I know that you don’t like
to talk about it. I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean anything by it.
I’m sorry..." Himemiya stammered out and looked totally
miserable, as if she wished the ground would open and swallow her
up. I was alarmed at how worked up she was and without thinking,
I reached out my right hand to cup her cheek and said,

"Don’t worry! Its okay! I’m okay with it. Really I am. I don’t
mind your stories, you don’t have to be sorry."

Himemiya looked so relieved at my words that I felt ashamed at
teasing her earlier on. Then I realised that my thumb was
stroking her cheek and immediately withdrew my hand. She then
bowed her head and excused herself. I looked down at our
enraptured audience and said,

"All right, you guys have gotten your story for today. Run along
home or your parents will be worried."

After the kids had gone, Yutaka and I were playing with ChuChu
when he asked me,

"Onee-chan, if your room is too small, I don’t mind sharing my
room with Himemiya-san, truly I don’t. I can even let her have it
and sleep in the living room."

I looked at his earnest face in astonishment and could not utter
a single word. He turned a puzzled expression towards me and
asked,

"Why are you looking at me like that? You know that she is
supposed to come stay with us right? You know that..." he trailed
off, apparently just realising that I did not know and that I was
not supposed to know. Then he laughed nervously and said, "Err,
forget I said anything, I really don’t know anything. I..."

Then he hurried off with a squirming ChuChu in his arms,
apparently forgetting in his nervousness that he was clutching
the little monkey. As I stared after him, I felt a rising anger.
How dare she! How dare she come barging into my life like this!
Getting my family and friends over to her side, taking over first
my workplace and now even my home! I saw her cleaning a table and
walked over to her side. Then I grabbed her arm and dragged her
out the back door. Once outside, I released her and turned to her
and said,

"Enough. It is enough. How long are you going to continue doing
this? You will not be moving in tonight and you are resigning
from this job."

"But why? I don’t understand! I want to be with you. Why are you
doing this?" Himemiya asked in frustration.

"There is no need for you to demean yourself doing such menial
work. You don’t have to humbly suffer my bad temper. You are free
now, go and live your life." I answered gently.

"What do you mean? I am not humbling myself and I do not find the
work demeaning. Have I complained?" she implored, "Do I seem
miserable? I am happy to do all this!"

"Please Himemiya," I said with a pained expression. "I know how
good you are at disguising your distaste and discomfort when
forced to do things against your will by your engaged. You will
take all abuse and endure it with a smile. However, I am one
burden that you can do without. You don’t have to punish yourself
by taking care of me and staying with me."

Himemiya looked at me in horror and sputtered,

"You...you think that I am doing all this because you are the
victor of the duel? You think that I am still whoring myself off
to the highest bidder? Haven’t you heard what I said before?! I
am no longer the Rose Bride!"

"Please, I didn’t mean that." I said in consternation, "Himemiya,
stop this..."

"No! You stop!" she screamed at me, "Do you have any idea how
much energy and time I have put into searching for you? Do you
have any idea the amount of work I had done, the amount of
heartache I have suffered? For three years I have dreamed of
meeting you again. Do you know the joy I felt upon seeing you
yesterday for the first time in three years? Do you know how I
feel right now, knowing that you think that I did all this out of
some misplaced sense of loyalty or duty? After three years of
slaving day and night to search for you, I’ve finally found you.
Do you have any idea how devastated I feel right now, knowing
that you think I am nothing more than a heartless whore?!"

I could not take in her words, I felt as if the world was
spinning out of control. I wanted to reassure her but I did not
know what to say, I did not know what to think. But before I
could do anything, she continued in a cold voice,

"Fine. It has all been for naught. All my efforts have gone down
the drain. I see that you are never going to accept me. I should
not have even bothered, as people like me do not deserve a second
chance. This is useless, it was all useless." Saying that, she
tore off a chain that hung around her neck and throwing it away,
she stalked back into the eatery.

By pure reflex, I reached out and caught the chain before it hit
the floor and I noticed that there was a small slim case attached
to it. I opened it and found a mini disc in it. I heard a slight
sound and looked up to see Kayama looking down at me in concern,

"I was just about to leave by the back door when I heard some
commotion and I came to take a look. I didn’t hear anything. All
I know is that there was a disagreement. She seemed pretty upset,
so do you. Are you okay?"

"I know you like high-tech gadgets, do you have anything that can
read this?" I asked him, holding up the mini disc.














































Chapter Ten:

Kayama’s house was bigger than I expected and from the
furnishings and decorations, I suspected that he was quite rich.
However, I did not examine my surroundings as he immediately led
me to his study, where he powered up a sleek looking computer. We
waited in silence as the disc was fed into the computer and the
contents read. Then Kayama helped me navigate through the data
found,

"Seems like it is basically a database, lets see what is in
it...hmm...okay, I found the main menu...hmm, it looks like
investigative reports...very detailed...there are many entries,
many cases here...all cases are chronologically arranged by
initialisation date, progress in investigation, location of
target and termination of case...this looked like it was
collected over three years...this was a mammoth operation...the
lengths taken to get such detailed investigations must have been
extraordinary...the resources and money needed must have been
astronomical...the organisation and co-ordination of keeping such
an operation going for three years must have been tedious and
extremely difficult...this puts the investigative efforts of the
police to shame...this is really quite amazing..."

I felt my head swimming as I stared at the vast amount of data,
and I knew that everything had been set up Himemiya and I was
flabbergasted by the work that she must have done in order to
gather all this data. I also wondered at the connections and
resources she had at her command and how she came about them.
Then Kayama exclaimed at a new discovery and said,

"Hey look at this, there seems to be a calendar stored in here as
well...wow...that’s a pretty tight schedule...it appears to have
continued without a break for three years...stays in hotels are
seldom beyond five hours...pretty grand hotels though...flying
seems to take up most of the time..."

The calendar was packed with appointments and I saw that it
extended to over a month from now. I felt ashamed that I had
doubted Himemiya’s sincerity. The lengths that she had gone
through to search for me were extraordinary and she must have
been constantly exhausted by her hectic schedule. I sat down in a
nearby chair, as my leg could not support my weigh anymore.
However, I seemed to have sat on a sketchbook that Kayama had
left there. I took it out from under me and some of the pages
fell out.

I stared in bafflement at my own face and looked at an
embarrassed Kayama. He asked if I liked it and I said that it was
very good. He flushed in pleasure at my praise and then with a
tender smile he said,

"I want to paint you. If you like, I will do a painting of you
and your friend together."

Now it was my turn to blush, and I thanked him for his offer and
told him that I will think about it. I was touched by his words
and I thanked him again for everything and then left his place.
As I walked back to the eatery, I fiddled with the case
containing the mini disc and pondered over its contents.

I knew that she had gone through a long and arduous search for my
sake, and I winced when I tried to imagine how she had felt when
after she had finally found me, I had rejected her, not once but
twice. No wonder she looked so hurt, no wonder she was so angry.
I must have seemed really ungrateful and unappreciative of her
and her efforts.

I was still deep in thought when I rounded the corner and saw
Himemiya standing outside the back entrance to the eatery,
leaning against the wall with a forlorn expression on her face.
She looked up when she heard me coming and I saw relief flash
across her face, before an expressionless mask replaced it. She
walked towards me and stopped into front of me with her head
bowed and said in a contrite voice,

"I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lost my temper. I know that you have
reason to doubt me. I betrayed you before, many times in fact. I
know that you have never been sure of my feelings towards you and
I know that it is my own fault, that I have built your wall of
distrust with my own hands. All I want is a chance, a chance to
prove that I am worthy of you. I didn’t mean to interfere with
your new life and I am sorry that I have disrupted it. I will
quit this job and I will not move into your house. But can I
please see you again?"

She turned her pleading eyes towards me and I could not speak
around the lump in my throat. I never wanted to hurt her and
seeing her in such pain made me want to cry. I composed myself
and told her,

"You don’t have to quit if you don’t want to, and I have no
objections to you moving in."

Himemiya looked at me in surprise and asked disbelievingly,

"Really? You mean that? But, why? Why the sudden change?"

I held up the case with the chain still attached and returned it
to her. Then I took her arm and led her back into the eatery,
saying,

"I’m sorry you had to go through so much just to find me, and I’m
sorry that I didn’t treat you better when you did find me. Would
you accept a cup of coffee as an apology?"

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Yes, of course
I will."

That night, Himemiya moved in with us and she only brought with
her one worn travelling bag in her hand and ChuChu on her
shoulder. I saw that she got along pretty well with the two kids,
and Mao looked over us all like a benign father, just as if
Himemiya was one more stray he had adopted. Himemiya’s
attentiveness during dinner brought back fond memories and it
felt like the old times when we were boarding together. After
dinner, Rui and Himemiya both volunteered to clean up and the
rest of us were gathered around the table drinking tea. ChuChu
had his own cup and I was getting worried that he might drown in
it as his head was immersed in the tea and he had not come up for
air in a while.

Then Rui called for Yutaka to take out the fruits and I was
relieved to see ChuChu’s head pop up and stare greedily at the
fruits when Yutaka came out bearing a tray. Yutaka was in a
really good mood tonight, chattering non-stop and as he settled
down to his seat again, he said that Himemiya was planning to
make dinner for us tomorrow. ChuChu and I exchanged an alarmed
look and I quickly asked,

"It’s not curry is it?"

Yutaka beamed at me and said,

"Why, that’s right! She said she was planning on a little curry.
Have you tasted it before? It must be good right? I just know
that she is a good cook."

I immediately forced Yutaka to his feet again and told him to go
tell Himemiya that Mao did not like curry and that she should
cook something else. Then I told him to discretely go about the
kitchen collecting all the curry powder and to hide them. Mao
protested that he actually did like curry but I told him that too
much spice was not good for a guy his age and gave ChuChu a
little wink.

Later in the evening, we left ChuChu with Rui and Yutaka and I
brought Himemiya to my room and helped her unpack. Then I showed
her where I put all my stuff and told her that she was free to
use anything. I then handed her a towel and said,

"There is a bathroom in this house, so there is no need to go to
the public bath unless you want to. Everyone would have finished
bathing by now, you can take your turn."

"What about you?" Himemiya asked me, "Have you bathed yet?"

"I normally go last," I told her, looking at my left hand,
"Because I take quite a long time."

"If you don’t mind," she asked shyly, "we could bathe together. I
can help you scrub your back."

I looked at her in surprise, not ready for this so fast. I
suddenly became very conscious of my deficiencies. But then I
steeled myself and thought that this might actually be for the
best. I will expose all my disfigurements to her and if there is
even the slightest sign that she is put off by my body, then I
will end this arrangement immediately. I nodded tensely at her
and grabbing my own towel, I led her to the bathroom.

While Himemiya closed the door and placed the towels in a dry
place, I ran the bath and tested the temperature of the water. I
heard her undressing and when I turned around, I caught my breath
at her breathtaking beauty. She had let her hair down and she
looked like a goddess or nymph emerging from the sea, graceful
and seductive at the same time. I felt a cold fear enter me and
squeeze my heart as I imagined disrobing in front of this beauty,
my ugliness would be such a shock against her perfection. I was
in the grip of the same nightmare again, I saw myself in the
mirror, a freak with a deformed hand and leg, and covered with
livid red scars.

I was frightened. I do not think that I have ever been this
scared before. All that noble talk of letting her go if I
disgusted her. At this moment I was too much of a coward to even
move my arm to start removing my own clothes. The thought of
seeing that look of revulsion on her face as she sees me naked
was too much to bear and I wanted to run from the room, flee from
her sight. But I was immobile, I could not move at all as I
watched her walk slowly towards me. She looked at me with soft
eyes and I shuddered when I felt her hands on my clothes and
braced myself for her rejection as she slowly undressed me.

When I was naked, she led me to the tub and the steam from the
hot water was enveloping the whole bathroom. I felt as if I was
in a dream and everything was hazy as she soaped my body and
sensually ran her hands over me. She washed my hair and gently
massaged my head, my body melted at her touch and it felt weak
and pliant. Then she washed the suds off my body and tenderly
kissed the scar on my cheek. She continued to kiss every scar on
my body while rubbing her palms against my warm skin and gently
kneaded my muscles with her fingers to relax me. She finally
ended up on her knees before me, attending to the scars on my
feet. I looked down at her in wonder and felt this rush of warmth
sweep through my body.

I pulled her to her feet and cupping her face in my hands, I
implored her,

"How can you bring yourself to do this? Do the scars not disgust
you? Does my twisted leg not revolt you? How about my burnt hand,
do you not cringe at its rough touch? Even if you accept me now,
how can you face this ugliness everyday and not let it turn your
stomach? Don’t you understand? I am not worthy of you. You can
have any man in the world, any woman even. Why tie yourself to a
monstrosity like me?

I am happy to see that you care for me and your concern touches
my heart deeply. I am truly grateful that you want to take care
of me and for the tenderness that you have shown me. But I can’t
bear the thought of one day seeing you embittered and regretting
that you have thrown away your life taking care of a useless
cripple. I do not want to be your burden. I am not your cross to
bear. I want you to be happy. I want you to be free to live a
long and fulfilling life."

Then Himemiya placed a finger across my lips to stop my words and
she said in an anguished tone,

"How can you say such things about yourself? Do you know how much
it pains me to hear you put yourself down? I have lived and
suffered long enough to know what I want and what will bring me
happiness. And I want to be with you. Only you can make me happy.
Only you can fill my days with joy and my nights with sweet
dreams. I am not doing this out of gratitude, duty or guilt. I am
doing this because I am selfish. No matter how much you resist
me, no matter how much discomfort I will cause you by being here
with you, I want to stay by your side.

I will accept any role that you think will make you most
comfortable with my presence. If you want a lover, I will be one,
or a sister, or a mother. Or else I will be your friend or a
confidante, a colleague or an employee, or even your employer if
you want a new job. Or I can be just a regular patron of the
eatery or a student in your study session. I can be your servant
or a pet waiting at home for you to come home everyday and play
with me. Don’t you understand that I am yours, not because you
won some duel but because my heart belongs to you?

Do you know the pleasure I feel when I am in your presence, the
exhilaration that rushes through me every time I see you again
once I let you out of my sight? Do you know the sheer bliss I
feel when you smile at me or give me a kind word? Do you know
that my heart races and my blood pounds through my veins when you
touch me? Do you know that I feel like bursting with joy when you
look at me in approval? And do you know that you can send my
heart plummeting to the floor with one frown? Do you know that
you can crush me with one harsh word? Do you know that I live in
fear that one day you will find me undeserving of your attention,
that you will not even spare me a glance, a thought, a tiny place
in your life?

You have my heart in your hand, please treat it with care."

I felt my heart expanding with every word she spoke, until I
thought that it would burst. I saw the sincerity and honesty of
her words in her eyes and the utter bearing of her soul left me
numb. I bent down and tasted her lips, and felt her shudder in
sheer delight. Then her arms surrounded me and she deepened the
kiss. In a daze, I vaguely registered the fact that Himemiya had
wrapped us both in one huge towel and that she was leading me
back to my room.

We collapsed on my bed and she began worshipping my body with her
hands, mouth and body. When we were both aroused to a fever
pitch, Himemiya intertwined her right hand with my left hand and
brought us both to a thundering climax. After I felt my heart
slowing down and my body was feeling weak and sated, I felt
Himemiya stir beside me and she turned her head to smile at me
contentedly, like the proverbial cat that ate the cream. Then her
smile turned seductive and her eyes had a teasing glint. I stared
askance at her and asked,

"Aren’t you tired?"

But she just replied with a simple ‘No’ and leaned over to kiss
me on the lips. I surrendered to her ministrations and we had an
unbelievable night of pleasure. Some time later, when I was
totally exhausted and Himemiya was sleeping partially on top of
me, I felt an urgent need to relieve myself and gently tried to
disengage my body from her embrace. However, her arms tightened
around me and she murmured sleepily,

"Where’re you going?"

I grinned at the possessive note in her voice and told her that I
was going to the toilet. She lifted her head and looked at my
face to ascertain the truth of my words, and then released me. I
pulled on a bathrobe and was about to limp to the door when I
felt her arms around me. I saw that she was similarly dressed and
looked at her in surprise.

"There no need to come with me. I’m not an invalid you know." I
said. But she gave me this sheepish grin and said,

"I realised that I didn’t actually have a bath, you were the only
one who got clean just now. Since we’re both hot and sweaty now,
why don’t we both have another one now?"

I agreed and took another pair of clean towels from my closet and
we walked slowly out the door, with Himemiya supporting me. We
had only taken a few steps outside when the lights in the living
room came on. We looked up in surprise to see Rui outside our
door, apparently waiting for us.

"He couldn’t get to sleep without Himemiya-san and he was too
restless to stay in my room, so I brought him outside and he
seemed to calm down." Rui said, holding out ChuChu towards
Himemiya. Himemiya gently disengaged herself from me and took
ChuChu in her arms, thanking Rui graciously for taking care of
him. Then she turned to me and said that she will run the bath
and wait for me in the bathroom. Rui smirked at me as Himemiya
walked away and I blushed furiously at her knowing look. Then her
expression turned serious and she asked me in a concerned voice,

"Onee-chan, are you okay with this? Are you happy?"

I leaned against the wall behind me, and looking at Himemiya’s
retreating figure, I said wonderingly,

"I guess I am. I am happy with her. I really am happy."


Epilogue:

Himemiya went into a comfortably furnished office with rows of
filing cabinets lining the walls. She sat down in the pro-offered
chair and smiled warmly at the big man seated behind the table.
Mamuro was slightly awed by the glow of happiness that surrounded
her. For the three years that he had known her, even though she
had seldom seemed sad or depressed before, she had never really
seemed happy either. This woman in front of him today looked like
a totally different person. She was bursting with life and
radiant with a quiet joy.

Mamuro gained a new respect for the elusive Utena whom they had
been hunting down for so long, that she could bring about such a
big transformation in such a short time. Mamuro offered her some
tea and asked her,

"Where is ChuChu today?"

"Oh, I left him at the eatery, couldn’t tear him away from all
that food you know." Himemiya joked, and then she turned serious
and said,

"I came here to let you know that I am terminating all operations
as of today. The other regions are already in the process of
winding down and I expect everything to be settled in less than a
month. Yours is the last operating region, because of Osaka.
There is no more need of operatives to tail her. Could you help
me handle all the necessary procedures and tie up all the loose
ends?"

Mamuro assured her that he would take care of everything and that
she did not have to worry. Then he cleared his throat and said,

"I guess this is the end of our working relationship. I am happy
to see that you have regained what you’ve once lost. I wish you
all the best for the future."

Himemiya looked at him in silence for a while and then said,

"You’re right, this is the end of our working relationship, but I
think that we were on the way to becoming friends. If you happen
to be free and find yourself in the vicinity, I would be glad if
you could drop by the eatery. There is someone important to me
whom I want to introduce to you."

Mamuro was stunned for a moment and then was touched by her
gesture. He smiled and said,

"Thank you. I will drop by soon. I might even become a regular
customer, I have a lot of business in that area you know."

Himemiya said that he would always be welcome and made him
promise to keep in touch. Then she took her leave and went back
to the eatery to start work.

That night in my room, Himemiya was giving my right leg a massage
when she suggested,

"I know a good doctor, he can reset your leg, but I’m afraid that
there will be pain involved as he might have to break the bone
again first."

I stiffened at her words and wondered if she was already having
second thoughts about having to take care of a cripple. I did not
think that my leg would ever be able to fully recover and while I
was reconciled to my condition I did not want to disappoint her
or burden her with my disabilities. But Himemiya looked up at my
face in exasperation, as if she could read my thoughts and said,

"Don’t start thinking that I find you a bother, I just can’t
stand to see you in such pain all the time. If the bone is reset
properly, you might not be able to run, but at least you will be
able to walk without pain."

I relaxed and said that I will think about it. Then she took out
a bottle and pouring the contents on her hands, she started
rubbing my left hand. Under her tender ministrations, I began to
feel a tingling in my hand and I found that I could even flex my
fingers slightly.

"This oil is gotten from another country, it is said to work
miracles on stiffened joints and muscles. If we do this every
night, you might be able to use your hand to do simple tasks
soon." Himemiya said conversationally while she continued to
knead the oil into my skin. I placed my right hand on hers and
cupping both her hands in mine, I stared into her eyes and said
with deep passion,

"I love you."

"I love you too." Himemiya returned with equal ardour as she
leaned forward to kiss me.






The End.




Author’s Note:

I was introduced to Shoujo Kakumei Utena four years after its
debut in Japan and was fascinated by the whole concept of a Rose
Signet Code. I was intrigued by the characters and was pleasantly
surprised to discover that most of them had enough depth to
escape stereotyping. I am sure many people will disagree, but I
found it impossible to hate any of the characters, because all
their actions were due to such a jumble of hidden emotions and
motives. I felt drawn to the two protagonists (Utena and
Himemiya), despite my usual reaction to empathise with the more
interesting supporting characters. Maybe it is because they are
both quite controversial. I liked the ending, the way no one
seemed devastated by the disappearance of Utena and yet how
everyone was subtly changed by her involvement in their lives. I
have always thought that was how a revolution or salvation should
come about, no big bang, no clash of the titans, but a quiet and
subtle change in people’s perceptions.

However, I always imagined in my head what their reunion must be
like once Himemiya finds Utena and I wanted to see if others
might agree. I might have gotten certain facts wrong, especially
about certain events and details related to Japan and its
internal systems, so I am receptive to any corrections, but
please, no inaccurate corrections. I might consider a
continuation to this story, but only if people are actually
interested in reading it. For the time being though, this is the
end and I welcome all comments and criticisms. I hope that you
enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

Griffin & Sabine (griffin_n_sabine@hotmail.com)

18 July 2001


Disclaimers:

"Shoujo Kakumei Utena - la fillette revolutionnaire " and all its
characters are copyrighted to Be-PaPas, Chiho Saito / Shogakukan,
Shokaku Iinkai and TV Tokyo. However, this particular story and
the additional characters are a copyright work of Griffin &
Sabine as of 18/07/2001.