SECRET LOVERS
               A Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic
                  by Silver Rain


I sit in the cafeteria, eating lunch with my friends.  Though I'm
listening to their conversation, I remain aware of everything that's going
on around me.  I don't know what makes me do this.  Instinct?  Perhaps.  
Practice from the Arena?  Maybe.  Or is it hope? Hope of seeing _him_?  
Hope of hearing some word from _his_ mouth?  Hope of sensing some of _his_
attention on me?

Yes.  That is the reason, more than anything else.  I know it; deep in my
heart, I know it. No higher than that; I try to tell myself that I don't
care for _him_, and I act the same in a facade so perfect that I almost
manage to convince myself.  Almost.  Surely everyone around me is fooled.
That counts for something, doesn't it?

I'm not sure why or when some part of me came to revolve around _him_, a
man I know I will never have, just that it did.  At least no one else
knows about this transgression of my emotions against the rest of me.

Someone says something, I don't catch exactly what, but we are getting up,
leaving.  I rise too, and lead the way out.  It takes everything I have
not to turn to _him_ as we pass by his table.  A part of me longs for him
to put a hand on me--it doesn't matter where, a wrist, a shoulder, my
waist--while a part of me prays desperately for him to not even notice.  
Then we are past, and _he_ is behind me, out of reach.

               < << <<<^>>> >> >

It is lunch, and I am sitting alone.  Or, at least, in my mind I am.  
Physically, I am sharing the table with three others to whom I pay only
minimal attention. They are not worth more.  Most of my conscious thoughts
are on a table halfway across the room, my mind focused almost completely
on _her_.  I have spent many hours studying _her_, and she seems to remain
oblivious of it.

Sometimes I wonder if _she_ even knows I'm alive.  Like this very moment.
She is not even one hundred feet away from me, but she might as well be on
the other side of the Earth for all the attention she is paying me.

_She_ is rising now, preparing to leave.  She passes my table, not even
looking my way.  I carefully check and hide an urge to reach out and draw
her to me, though it is difficult.  So very difficult.  It has become ever
more difficult as time passes, ever more a struggle to conceal my
feelings, though none of my so-called friends would suspect it.  None of
_them_ has seen what I have to do maintain the outward appearance of calm,
none would guess at the emotions which rage underneath this mask.

Now _she_ is out of reach, an opportunity lost.  I slowly exhale,
resisting my desire to sigh, and instead make myself smile lazily,
unconcernedly, at my companions.  They take this as normal, which it is,
and continue with the conversation.

I remain after _she_ is gone, long enough to not be conspicuous, long
enough that no one would guess the reason I am leaving is because I can no
longer see _her_.  But it is the reason. After I'm out of the room and in
the empty hallway, I close my eyes and tuck my hands in my pockets as I
allow the sigh in my chest to escape through my nostrils, savoring an
image of _her_ that is against the blackness of my inner eyelids.  
Opening my eyes, I walk down the hall, thinking of nothing except
maintaining the illusion of Business As Usual.

               < << <<<^>>> >> >

Night.  It's so peaceful, so quiet.  The cool air beckons through my open
window, and I don't resist its call.  Going downstairs, I leave the dorm,
and wander out into the night.  My footsteps eventually lead me to a place
I somehow knew they would: a small hill on the Ohtori school grounds, a
hill like the others, made somehow special by that fact.  A hill with a
single tree growing out of its top, looking almost as if the tree were
planted and then the hill piled around its base.  Stopping, I stand just
far enough away from the trunk to have a clear view of the sky.

It is clear out, and the stars are brilliant against the velvety black.  
I sigh, and fold my arms across my stomach as a light breeze lifts strands
of my hair from my head and plays with them. I don't bother trying to
brush them back into place.

               < << <<<^>>> >> >

The night calls to me.  I make no attempt to stop it from drawing me
outside, and I wander aimlessly, not surprised when I end up at the
campus.  I gaze at the gates for a few long moments, debating whether or
not to enter. Eventually, I find myself moving forward, not necessarily of
my own will.  I don't care.

I go to the hill, and freeze in my tracks when I see _she_ is already
there. After the slow minutes as realization sets in, I relearn how to
breathe and continue forward.

She doesn't seem aware that I'm here, though I make no move to hide my
presence. When I am right behind her, I hesitantly reach out and slide my
hands around her waist.

               < << <<<^>>> >> >

I knew it was him when I heard him stop.  I knew, when I started walking
this night, that _he_ would also be drawn here, though I refused to tell
myself that at the time.  It seems to be part of our fate, to meet in the
moonlight like this.

His arms wrap around me, and I lean back against him, resting my arms over
his.

               < << <<<^>>> >> >

She is relaxed in my arms, leaning against me; more relaxed than I ever
see her normally, than anyone does, I suspect.  We share the silence and
the view, and, for the moment, it is enough.

When the clock strikes two, its bells startle us, and we jump.  I never
noticed before just how much they sound like the bells of the Duels.  I
hear and feel her sigh as she starts to pull away.  I don't want to let
her go, and even my arms seem reluctant to release her.

               < << <<<^>>> >> >

His arms try to hold me from leaving.  Truthfully, I'd be happy to spend
the entire night like this, but I have a test tomorrow, and my teacher
won't let me postpone it because of a few hours spent stargazing.  
Instead, I turn in his arms and look into eyes.  I see desire, passion, a
need...  The emotions are plain on his face, which is unguarded as he
never allows it to be in public. Slowly, I reach up and slide my hands
into his long, silken hair, then rest them on his shoulders.  His hair
slides through my fingers as his head moves toward mine.

               < << <<<^>>> >> >

I gently press my lips against hers, and she doesn't fight me.  No, she
doesn't fight--she kisses me back instead.  It is a tender, sweet kiss.
Neither of us even open our mouths.  I know she would if I do first, but
it is not something I would do with her, not without a true commitment,
made openly underneath the sun. She deserves better than to be a cheap
fling.

               < << <<<^>>> >> >

An unmeasured time later, the two break apart and lock gazes again.
Surprisingly, perhaps, it _his_ eyes that ask "Again?  Please?" and it is
hers that reply calmly, reasonably, sanely "Perhaps.  If the timing is
right." Finally, sorrowfully, they part, leaving the hill and tree in
opposite directions, neither looking back.

Not a word had passed between the two.  The next day they would pass each
other as though nothing had changed, and nothing really had.  They had
met like this before, they would meet like this again.  A fleeting moment
of peace in the whirling chaos that is their lives.  It occurs without
plan, without pattern, almost at random, but somehow they know when to
meet, when they need each other.  That is all that they have to know to
come to one another.  When that need has passed, they part ways, knowing
that they will never speak of the meetings, not even to each other.

The situation is perfect for a conspiracy, and in a way it is one.  A
conspiracy of their hearts. Though each will always deny it in their own
way if asked, even by themselves, they know what they are.

The tree's leaves rustle in a light wind, sounding like a soft whisper in
the silent night, and the secret lovers imagine they can hear the words
they cannot utter in it as they depart.



=======================================================

Eh-hey!  The idea for this 'fic came to me when I was still in bed right
after I woke up one day, and--being a hopeless romantic--I thought "that
would be _really_ _cool_!"  So, I wrote it.  I intentionally didn't say
_who_ this one was about; if you knew me, you'd know who, and if I wanted
to say I would have. Any-hoo...  Do you have questions?  Comments?  My
e-mail is shiningsilverrain@yahoo.com.  Just don't send me flames--I
_will_ retaliate. ^_^

Legal Stuff: Utena ain't mine.  I'm not getting any money for this, it's
just for fun.  Any similarity to reality in this story is purely
coincidental.  Honest.  :)

There, that should just about cover everything.  See ya!