Yeah, yeah, I know, the last paragraph isn't my own.  But I really
feel that that is the best voice for the character.  So send all
flames, commentary, etc to Angelkate: kam904s@yahoo.com or
kam904s@smsu.edu


Ruminations of Himemiya Anshi

It still hurts after so many years; the pain of you still burns in my
fingers, in the flesh of my palms and the soft whisper of my hair
across my neck.  You were so dark and mysterious, so much like a
bright burning star in the dark velvet of the midnight sky.  Oh how I
longed for you without words, oh how I wanted to cup your bare body
against my own and lick your tears away.  But in the end it was all
just foolish pride.  You left, on a search for the one you truly
adored and I remained to train another in my stead, heady with the
knowledge that you would never return and I would be alone and aloof
for the rest of my life.  
     
How cruel you were with your hopeful smile and bright eyes.  How
horrifyingly malicious in your false innocence.  You made her pity
you; you made her angry on your behalf, you bewitched her into
becoming your savior, then when all was said and done you stabbed her
in the back because she wasn't what you truly desired.  But I know
much of this.  I've lived through all that before, metaphorically
speaking. Perhaps that is why I allowed my cool control to shatter
that afternoon, perhaps that is why I allowed my hand to fly free and
hurt you physically as you hurt me emotionally. Is that why Saionji
beat you so often?  Did you show him his failings every day and every
night until he had no choice but to retaliate the only way he could?
You were the miracle that did not exist; you offered us all shelter
from ourselves in the form of a child's game.  Go back to cutting your
roses, singing your songs, making your disastrous meals.  We have no
need of you now.  She freed us all, despite you.

Hate you, you weird alien thing!  Why, why do they all flock to you?
You're no more special than my flunkies; you're no more special than
the stupid drama club.  All you do is sit there and look pretty, all
you do is mock everyone's pain with your cold icy eyes.  And she's so
incredibly stupid; she doesn't see you and your brother together, she
doesn't notice your little callous actions on the field of battle.
You drink the milkshake and hold the umbrella, you yell at the wrong
moment and say the wrong thing at the right time.  You make cursed
curry and design elaborate plots; you won't kill bugs but have no
problem destroying the only ones who truly care.  You pick up stray
animals and throw them in my face, but worst of all, despite all of
this…they still love you more.  You're still the Rose Bride and I'm
just my brother's stand in.  I hate you, you weird, weird girl.  I
hate you.

I used to love you I think.  I used to stay up at night and watch you
gently sleep beside me, the heavy weight of your hair spilling down
over one shoulder, one breast.  You were my first but I know I wasn't
yours.  And then the silence began.  You just watched me from afar,
the sunlight glinting off those horrible spectacles and I found myself
failing every time you were near.  I could do nothing right when you
were around; it was as if you cursed me.  In your eyes I saw contempt,
felt it as if you flung the words and glances like sharp rocks. So I
retaliated, and retaliated.  Not once did I hit you that you didn't
deserve it, that you weren't asking for it with your glowing eyes and
submissive attitude.  If you'd fought back, that I could have
understood, that I could have respected.  But I had no respect for you
the way you were, making me have no respect for myself with the cursed
gaze of yours.  But the nights…oh, the nights made up for the days of
cursed fumbling.  You were a slight fairy in my arms, burning only for
me.  No wonder I was fanatical at your absence.  No wonder I went mad
at your loss.  It was more than just the fact you were my possession;
you were also the only thing I had that no one else did.  You were my
goddess and mine alone.  Don't you understand that?  Can't you see?

My tool.  You were the only way I could see the fire blazing in her
eyes, the only way I could get her to notice me as more than just the
school playboy.  I was a challenge, not only as her possible prince,
but also as a man.  You were my only solution to that cursed problem,
my wandering tendencies.  My bride for only a day, you were the reason
she hated me with the same passion she was prepared to adore me with.
Perhaps I should hate you for that.  Perhaps I should worship you for
that.  I don't care; it's bothersome.  I have better things to do,
more important people than you to deal with.  I don't care where you
go, but her…oh, her.  When she went up to that arena, I never saw her
again.  But if anyone has a chance of finding my wayward
princesses…err, prince, it is you.  So Godspeed.  Hurry your quest and
bring her back to me.  This time I'll protect her, this time I will
win.

Sister, lover, goddess.  The only one I can share the darkness with,
the only one who the night does not fear.  I love you.  I hate you.  I
have you.  I miss you.  If you return I will kill you for your
disobedience.  If you return with her I will kiss you for your mercy.
You saved me once, save her now.  You saved yourself in the end,
return to me and help me find the true path.  You are despicable, you
are wonderful.  I want to ravish you.  I want to strangle you in the
height of our love.  Never come back.  Hurry home.

Heroically, with bravery, I'll go on with my life, But if the two of
us should get split up, by whatever means... Take my revolution. In
the sunny garden, we held each other's hands, drew close together and
soothed each other with the words, Neither of us will ever fall in
love again. Into this photograph of us smiling cheek to cheek, I took
a bit of loneliness, and crammed it inside. Even in my dreams, even
through my tears, even though I'm being hurt, reality is approaching
now, frantically.  What I want now is to find out just where I belong,
and my self-worth, up through today.  Heroically, I'll throw away my
clothes 'til I'm nude, like the roses dancing all around me, whirling
free. But if the two of us should get split up by whatever means, I
swear to you, I will change the world.