It's a one-shot story about Juri which takes place after the events of the series, and it's also a songfic to Melissa Etheridge's "Ruins"...hope you like it ;-) ~Arisugawa Kumiko~ CalicoLuvr@aol.com A Rose in the Ruins The memories of Her came back slowly, and we of the setokai found ourselves sitting often alone, or together in a companionable silence which bespoke identical thoughts. Slowly, slowly each day we could remember a little more, and slowly we returned to our lives. There were no more duels. No more mysterious letters arrived from the Ends of the World. We began to turn back to our own dramas, since that of the cherry-haired girl and Her princess had finally ended. *How* to return to normal existence was the difficult part. For so long all our thoughts and ambitions had been wrapped up in the duelling game, and without this crutch we were forced to think of new futures for ourselves, find new solutions to our problems. I did not get a new locket. I put a respectable photograph of Ruka on my mantlepiece. The only other image that I turned to often was that in my mind of the Girl who had revolutionized the world. My world had been changed along with it, and now I knew I didn't need golden chains wrapped about my neck, and I did not need worn photographs. And I knew I did not need her anymore, that taunting, carnadine butterfly which danced towards me, but fluttered away just before she was in my grasp... So why did these feelings persist? If I knew I did not need her anymore, if I felt this new and liberating knowledge run through my veins from my head to my fingertips, why was I still unable to look away when she came into view? Why did I still sit some nights thinking of her, of the past, of the feelings that still tore at my insides sometimes until I was sure I must be bleeding somewhere and half worried that I should visit the hospital...It began to drive me crazy, this seeming paradox which haunted me during the first couple weeks after She left. My solution was to block her from my mind completely. I decided to forget that I had ever loved her...even that I had ever known her. Anything that reminded me of her, I threw out. When I saw her, I would turn and take a different route to class immediately. If she chanced to throw a casual greeting to me, I would nod civilly, and make myself forget completely *who* had said hello. I didn't feel myself getting better. I was still bleeding, but it was as though I'd given up staunching the flow, and instead had decided to ignore the swollen pool. So I was not sure what to do on that night when the phone rang. Don't try to call There are some bridges that burn Beyond recognition, beyond repair Don't say you've changed There are some forces that turn Beyond recognition, beyond my stare "Hello? Juri-san?" "...Hello." I froze...I knew whose voice had just tentatively said my name. "Hello," she continued lamely, "this is Shiori. Juri-san..." her voice quavered, "I've been thinking a lot since..." I knew that she meant since Ruka had died. The day was vivid in my memory when I had heard a patter of feet run up behind me, and then follow me down a walkway lined with tall autumn trees... But I did not volunteer his name, because I was trying to figure out how to talk to her without letting myself know that it was her. "...since everything happened, and I know that I have been...Well, there isn't any excuse for how I have acted towards you." The tears in her voice were very obvious. "Ruka, and everything...I understand that now. I wanted to know if maybe we could talk. I know we might never be friends again the way it used to be, but..." "I'm afraid that will not be possible, Shiori," I replied levelly. I had to forget her...I had to deny that she existed. If I talked to her like this I risked bringing all those feelings back, letting them out so that the blood would not be hidden inside myself as I managed now, but would be revealed to the light, and she would laugh her butterfly laugh at my weakness, all over again... "Well...well, you may be busy," Shiori was stammering, trying to hide quiet sobs. "I can call another time. Or we could meet, if-" "I'm afraid that will not be possible," I repeated. "Oh...well, if it ever..." her voice broke. "I will see you in class, Juri-san." "Goodbye." "Goodbye..." there was a click on the other end. I hung up my phone. It was better this way. When I feel the cold in the dark I know you're there I left my room in my nightgown, as I had one night which seemed very long ago, when She had met me at the fountain and I had realized the strength of her innocence. I sat on the stones of that same fountain and trailed my fingertips in the water, trying to cool their burning heat. The phone call had stirred up memories I thought I had repressed very effectively. I thought I saw blood leaking from under my fingernails and tainting the fountain with the color of her hair...I snatched my hand away and wiped the water onto the shawl I had draped over my shoulders. I realized that I felt something. I blinked, and cautiously peered through the darkness. Someone was standing not far from me. I could hear them breathe. There were light footsteps, and I knew suddenly who it was...a small figure with dark eyes and hair, trembling not far from me, silently begging for me to beckon her to my side. I stood up abruptly and walked away. Long ago I was a woman in pain A woman in need I ran to you Long ago I did not understand You were making me bleed I ran to you That night I dreamed about her, as I did every night. My conscious mind was easy to control, but unfortunately the subconcious has a will of its own and I was unable to stop it from reliving words and scenes which I would rather forget. I saw us when we were young and best friends, playing tag, eating lunch, reading, millions of moments we had shared that I did not want to remember. "I know you must hate me for being like this..." I saw myself coming to her dorm room in tears, and her asking me what was wrong, why I was crying, and me not telling her. Not being able to tell her. That scene came back often. And when I had been young, it had occured often, as well. "I don't regret what I have done..." I saw myself arrive at her door one day, my heart in shreds, and I saw myself knock and knock until my arm was tired. And no one answered. I watched my younger self, whose hair was not curled as tightly and whose eyes were not yet so dark, descend the steps and go out to the garden. When I feel the cold in the dark I know what you do It was too dark to see past my hand outside. I watched myself walk cautiously over the cobblestone, finding my way towards the fountain by the sound of the faint trickle of its water. When I got close enough I could see my surroundings illuminated eerily by the reflected light of the moon in the fountain. And in that unearthly blue light I saw two huddled figures. I watched myself watch the two, one broad-shouldered and unaware of what he did, the other small and slender and beautiful. And as they kissed she opened her eyes, and I saw her watch me drowning in the ocean of moonlight. And then I woke up. I know your heart has held its own fear It's perfectly clear What they did to you The next day at school after that dream, I found my resolve to ignore her had strengthened. All the humiliation and pain of that night long ago had returned to me, and more than ever I understood that I would have to forget her completely to get any peace, even though my desperate desire for her had gone. That nagging, lingering feeling would only go away if I ignored it. The dreams would only go away if I could manage this feat. "Juri?" A slender hand put pressure on my shoulder, and stopped me from marching doggedly to my next class. "Miki!" I was relieved that the high voice which accosted me was his. "How are you?" "Better," he replied. I thought with pleasure that his eyes seemed so much clearer since She had left. As though they had been visibly clouded by the duelling game. "We were thinking of having a council meeting this afternoon, just to look over a couple proposed uniform changes." "All right, what time?" "Around five, after classes let out." "That works. I'll be there." I smiled pleasantly at Miki. "You look better." "So do you," he said quietly, smiling in return. "We're all..." but he didn't finish, because he didn't need to. We all knew what She had meant to us, and how we had been changed. "However, Juri-san," he started suddenly, as though he had just remembered his purpose in stopping me, "there was something I did want to bring up with you." "What's that?" I asked with curiosity. Kozue hadn't been out with a boy since She had left, and I had been beginning to think Miki's problems with his delinquent sister were over. I worried that she had done something else. "It's Shiori-san," Miki replied. I felt myself stiffen. "Juri, I know that you two are no longer friends, but ever since Ruka, she's been a wreck." Miki absentmindedly reached into his pocket where the stopwatch used to be, but it was not there, of course. He almost laughed at himself for the habitual motion, but continued instead. "In any case, I was hoping you might talk to her. I know it would be difficult...But after such public humiliation, I have to think she might really have changed. She barely speaks in class anymore, and has been keeping away from the girls who used to be her friends." He looked at me pleadingly, with his appealing young blue eyes. "What do you say?" I felt my resolve drifting. Then I remembered another time that I had been convinced to speak to Shiori. *I will never, EVER do what you want me to do...* "I don't think that would be wise, Miki," I replied hastily. "Why not??" He asked innocently. "I know it would be hard for you, but she really needs you right now, Juri!" "She does not need me," I said. "She needs some time to herself. Perhaps she should be left alone if she needs to think. I really don't have anything else to say about the topic." Miki looked a little hurt by the abruptness of my words. "I didn't mean to..." "It's alright, Miki," I assured him, ruffling his soft blue hair. "I'm fine. I'll see you this evening at the meeting!" I did not stay behind to hear his response, because I felt my throat closing up. I went through my classes mechanically, and when they were done I did not go to the meeting. I ran back up to my dorm with a headache. In my heart it's the screaming I hear I won't let them come near Since my love knew you I had realized that my strategy was not working. It didn't matter how much I tried, I was not going to be able to forget about her completely. She was there, tainting the air I breathed, trickling from the lips of my friends. She was absorbed into my clothes, my hair, and my mind. Her image was burned into my eyes. Even though I knew I did not need her, I did not feel better. She was *still* everywhere. She was a million scarlet butterflies which landed everywhere, landed on me... I showered twice trying to wash her redness from me, and then I felt like Lady Macbeth, so I stopped. I dressed for bed even though it was only the afternoon, and went into my room, where I turned out all the lights and shut the door and closed the blinds on the windows, and lay down in the coolness of my white sheets, and closed my eyes. I had to think of a way to stop this. I truly would go insane if I was not able to end this battle inside me, because it was making me bleed, filling my insides with her color, so that not only everything outside me would be tinted red, but everything inside me, as well... When I feel the cold in the dark I remember you I fell asleep. They say that some great composers think up entire symphonies in their dreams, and that some artists dream of paintings, which they rise in the morning to create. I am not sure if the answer came to me in a dream, or if it had been coming for a while and I would have realized it right then, even if I had been awake. But She taught me that what *could* have happened never matters...only what *has* happened. I dreamed I was sitting down by the fountain at night. Then I saw Shiori coming towards me, but as the child I used to know, not as the young woman who I knew now. I closed my eyes. I tried to pretend that she was not there, but she would not go away. I heard her keep coming closer and closer. She was talking to me, but I did not understand her words. I knew somehow that she wanted me to open my eyes and look at her. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and tighter, and then suddenly I heard her cry out, and I opened my eyes in shock. I saw then that her hands were bleeding, and I looked at my own hands and they were bleeding, too. Suddenly we were not at the fountain anymore but on the duelling arena, and she was kneeling in front of me looking at her hands. She wore the dress of the rose bride. I knew that she had fallen, so I reached down one hand to help her up, which she took. I saw that there was no more blood on our hands. Then I realized with a start that I did not want her to disappear anymore. That surprised me so much that I woke up. I will crawl through my past Over stones blood and glass In the ruins Reaching under the fence As I try to make sense In the ruins The dream had been strange and convoluted, but when I awoke I understood, and I let the knowledge seep into me. The only way to get past this was to acknowledge what had happened. And to acknowledge her. I knew then that She had tried to teach me this, when She saved me from my past...the Victor had tried to tell me that She could open the door of my cage, but that I must deal with my problems myself or I would never really be freed. The Victor had been hurt by Her princess...She had been manipulated and used. And yet in the end She had reached down and saved the princess. To be a prince as She was, I understood, I would have to accept the pain I had been through, and reach down a hand to help her up. Night after night I am carving it out I will carry it down to the waterside That evening I went down and sat by the fountain. I patiently waited for two hours, but I heard no small footsteps. I returned to my room. For the rest of the week I repeated my efforts. No one ever came, but I used the time to let myself remember every moment I had spent with her, from the day I met her to the present time. I cried many nights, letting myself fully remember all the pain she had caused me in some of those words...I let myself see the words on that letter she had sent me, and the victory in her eyes when she had held out my locket before me. But instead of turning this pain into resentment against her, I let it go...flowing into the fountain with the rest of the water, all the blood that I had inside me was washed away, and I began to feel myself healing. The dreams soon stopped. This is not to say I stopped caring for her, but that I had begun to accept our past, and our present state. It did not hurt anymore. It simply was, and I unconsciously began to forgive her, even before I spoke a word to her. But the final night of that week I was interrupted by light and cautious footsteps which halted every few feet, as though they wanted to turn back, but then continued forwards to me. Night after night I am hearing the sound Of wings that come beating I will not hide When she came close enough I could see her features clearly in the moonlight. She was looking down. I took a breath. "Come sit by me, Shiori." She alit like a butterfly on my right, wordless and fragile. Then she began to cry. I realized with a sudden flash of enlightenment that she had been bleeding, too...that she still needed to accept everything that had happened... her humiliation by Ruka, the guilt stabbing her inside for the actions she had taken towards me. When I feel the cold in the dark I will know why When she finished crying I realized that at some point I had taken her into my arms, but instead of the burning shame or desire which I know I would have felt before, I felt a sort of peace. She needed my help. I was here to help her. We talked for a long time that night, and she explained how she had always felt, the envy she had always had towards me. She just wanted to be friends again, like we had been. All right, I said. I think we should be friends again. I think we can. Every night for the next couple weeks found us sitting there at the fountain. We never did much but talk, and though I felt the warmth of love toward her, I did not need her. Nothing burned, nothing tore, nothing hurt. I did not expect anything but her friendship, and I enjoyed that more than I ever thought I could. Gradually we got to know each other again...we'd changed very much since those early days, and in fact, we were almost different people. I found myself explaining the duelling game to her one day, and talking about Her, and she told me about her life, and her insecurities, and her fears. But if I am to heal I must first learn to feel In the ruins I will crawl I didn't avoid her anymore. We began to walk together during the school day. Miki smiled approvingly at me when he saw that her vivaciousness had begun to return. She laughed and joked as she had used to. We were fast friends again. We would still meet every night by the fountain, and everything was the same until that one night when she kissed me, and then the rest of my dream suddenly made sense. I don't pretend to be as wise as the Victor was, despite her youth and innocence. There is a truth in innocence which transcends worldly knowlege and let Her see what I needed even when I could not. "Juri, what are you thinking of? You have such a funny look on your face!" "Nothing much..." I know now that I could have been happy even if Shiori and I had stayed simply friends until we left Ohtori Academy, and even if we had gone our separate ways when we graduated. However, living in the rose-colored world that we do now, I am glad that everything ended this way. I find it ironic that when I was blinded by my desire I was unable to see how to reach my goal, when through the most natural actions of friendship, aided by an affection that did not *expect* any reciprocation, love flourished without my bidding... "It seems kind of chilly tonight to go sit by the fountain...Will you take a jacket at least?" "It's not that cold..." "Then I'll have to come *with* you to keep you warm..." "I think I'd prefer that to a jacket, anyway." On the nights now when sit by the waterside, ripples of moonlight falling around me, it is not to forget, but to remember. Sweet and bitter memories of Shiori, of Ruka, and of the Victor who changed my world. "Are you thinking of Her, Juri?" "Her, you, everyone..." "You look very pensive...You know I love you, Juri." "I know." My memories no longer chain me down. In the end, acknowledging my memories was what set me free. ~End~