Release

by Sean Gaffney - sean@thekeep.org

Shoujo Kakumei Utena (C) 2001 Be-Papas.  This fanfic contains spoilers 
for the entire series.



     Juri stood to the side of the garden, sipping quietly at the cheap 
champagne she'd been given.  Around her her fellow graduates chattered 
meaninglessly to each other, talking about what they planned on doing 
with their lives, what jobs they had managed to get for themselves, and 
how they simply had to keep in touch with each other and call and write 
*every* *day*.
     Words of comfort, spoken knowing that no one was going to do 
anything of the sort.  They weren't meant to say that.  They were meant 
to convey the idea of 'we'll be friends forever'.
     No one had bothered to say it to her, of course.  She didn't have 
any friends.
     She had graduated third in her class.  She was the captain of the 
fencing team, and considered by her classmates and peers to be the 
epitome of the Ohtori Academy student.
     So here she was, alone on graduation day, with a glass of stale 
champagne in her hand.
     She didn't even bother to sigh.  The melancholy that wrapped 
around her like a cloud was so familiar it might as well have been a 
lover.  Outwardly, she was perfectly poised and secure.  Inwardly she 
felt herself stroking the black pit of hopelessness in her stomach, 
feeling its reassuring presence.
     "Juri-san?  Aren't you going to go mingle?"
     And then the reassurance was gone, as the hopelessness moved from 
her stomach to her heart, and the pain she felt was still as agonising 
as it was six years before.
     She turned, her face already a mask.  Shiori stood behind her, her 
own glass of champagne clutched in her hand.  She looked beautiful, of 
course.  The blue gown they had graduated in matched her hair and 
complexion as well as it had Juri's own.  More to the point, Shiori was 
slowly starting to build up her confidence again, recovering from the 
events of two years previous, from Ruka and the Black Rose.
     They had started to talk to each other again, casually.  It had 
almost been unavoidable, since Shiori had joined the fencing team.  
There were times when they talked, many times, where they were simply 
two casual friends, and Juri would feel almost normal.
     But when taken by surprise, as she was now, it was as if she was 
still reading the letter.  The one from Shiori, the letter where she 
had horribly, terribly misunderstood Juri's feelings.
     She endured the pain.  It was worth it for the similar pain she 
had caused in her former friend.
     "I don't really believe in cloying sentiments," she found herself 
saying.  "All these people giving reassurances they'll never actually 
follow through on.  Why not say what they mean?  That they were 
wonderful friends here at the Academy, but now they actually have to go 
out and live, and will likely grow apart?  This false front just 
doesn't appeal to me."
     She waited for Shiori's response, surprised when it didn't come 
immediately.  It reminded her of the long talks they'd have when they 
were children, discussing life and the meaning of feelings.  Shiori 
would always be optimistic, believing in the good of the universe.  And 
Juri had been there to remind her that the universe was neither good 
nor fair.
     She turned to look at her friend and found that Shiori was staring 
directly into her eyes.  The attention was unexpected, and although 
Juri tried to hide it she knew their must have been something of a 
blush coming to her cheeks.
     Shiori smiled, and the phrase 'cruelly innocent' ran through 
Juri's mind for the 87,000th time.
     "It doesn't look good on you either."
     Juri frowned, not understanding what Shiori meant for a moment.  
Then she got it, and had to turn away as the small blush deepened to 
cover her entire face.  She must really be feeling poorly if Shiori 
could see through her so easily.
     Suddenly there was a hand on her shoulder, and her entire body 
felt like a rubber band stretched to its limit.  The hand felt the 
tension, and pulled away, but Shiori stayed close.
     "Juri, we've known each other for twelve years, and you admit we 
might not see each other again after this day.  I don't want this 
awkwardness to be the way we remember everything.  Please, Juri, talk 
with me.  One last talk, as friends."
     And Juri remembered a night, over a decade ago, where two giggling 
children had lay down on the grass, right near the fenced off area at 
the south of the school, and just watched the day fade slowly into 
evening while talking about anything and everything.  Two best friends 
who didn't have to worry about what they said, because they knew that 
neither of them would ever do anything to hurt each other.
     She sighed, and lowered her hand, the champagne spilling out onto 
the lawn.  "All right.  The fence?"
     She was rewarded with another lovely smile from Shiori, which she 
drank up like a woman dying of thirst.  She might never see another 
one.


***


     To an observer it probably looked incredibly silly, two grown 
women in graduation gowns lying down on the grass staring off into 
space.  Juri imagined the Chairman, staring at them from his tall tower 
and thinking what children they were.
     She didn't think she'd felt this relaxed in years.
     She turned her head to the side, and saw Shiori looking up at the 
sun, her hair a gold-highlighted dark red.  For a moment she thought 
she'd gone back in time, and the two of them were eight years old 
again.  Hands clasped together, and it meaning nothing more than deep 
friendship.
     "I've missed this.  I remember we used to come here a lot... 
whenever the kids were teasing me too much, or when a teacher decided 
to make an example of you.  We'd just sit, and look at the sun, and 
everything would be all right again."
     "I remember it too," Juri said.  "It seems so long ago.  I can't 
believe I was ever..."  She broke off.  Still, even after they had 
resolved things between them, Juri felt uncomfortable saying things to 
Shiori.  Perhaps that's why they were saying their goodbyes like this.
     "Juri, do you sometimes have trouble remembering things?"
     This wasn't what she had been expecting.  "What do you mean?  From 
when we were children?"
     "No, later than that.  From when I first came back... I came back 
here so that I could apologise to you.  I remember that.  And I think I 
remember doing it.  But then there's just a blur, and suddenly we were 
strangers again."  Her voice was hoarse.  "I thought it might have been 
me blocking out something I'd done to you.  Something unforgivable.  
But I can remember everything I did with Ichiro, and everything that 
happened with Ruka.  How could what I'd done to you be any worse?"
     Shiori turned over onto her stomach, her face buried in the grass.  
"Juri, do you remember?"
     Juri felt slightly sick.  She hadn't expected this at all.  She 
had expected a few murmured apologies, some 'don't worry about it' 
clichés, an agreement that you can't change the past, and a quiet 
parting.  She hadn't expected Shiori to immediately dig into her own 
doubts from two years ago.
     After a moment, Shiori said, "If you don't want to--"
     "It's not that," Juri interrupted quickly.  "You... I didn't think 
it had happened to anyone else."  The words hurt to say, but she said 
them anyway.
     Shiori's eyes widened.  "You can't remember either?"
     Juri shook her head.  "I can remember that... or at least I think 
I can.  But it doesn't make any sense.  It's like what I remember is 
only something I dreamed."  She was talking quickly now, all the words 
bubbling to the surface.  "I remember... you walked up to me in the 
hallway.  Your eyes were dark, not at all like they usually look.  And 
you were saying..." She began to realise exactly what it was she was 
telling Shiori, and moved ahead a little.  "Whatever it was you were 
saying, you walked up to me, and I felt an agonising pain.  And 
then..."
     Shiori was staring at Juri, her hands to her mouth.  "What?"
     Juri shook her head.  "I remember you pulling a sword from my 
chest.  And then I collapsed, and woke up a few hours later.  And when 
I saw you after that, it didn't look as if you remembered any of it."
     "You never asked me?"
     "Shiori, did you walk up to me and pull a sword out of my chest?  
I can't imagine why I didn't ask that."  She was trying to change the 
subject, trying to be sarcastic and above such matters.  Her usual 
defence.  It had never worked against Shiori, and didn't work now.
     "Juri, what is it you can't remember?"
     Juri closed her eyes.  "Everything from that year... two years 
ago.  I remember things, but it's as if there's someone missing.  
Someone important.  I... we were duelling, you remember the Student 
Council used to do that... and I was fighting someone.  But I can't 
remember who.  Or why..."
     There was silence for a few seconds.  Juri always felt foolish 
when she thought about it.  She was being stupid, trying to assign 
meaning to meaningless events.  Probably a result of all the stress 
she'd had that year, with Shiori's return and Ruka's death.  She should 
have seen a doctor.
     But then Shiori's words hit her.
     "I remember something... I was in a car, with Ruka.  And I think 
there was someone else driving.  And Ruka was saying things to me, 
telling me how special I was.  And then... there was something so 
precious... so amazing that we could only cry out at its beauty."
     Now Juri was starting to feel scared.  "A red convertible.  Driven 
by the Deputy Chairman."
     Shiori's eyes opened, and she turned to face Juri.  "You--"
     Juri's eyes were widening.  "Ruka was in the front seat, and he 
was saying he was doing everything for my benefit.  And I was so angry, 
because why was he doing this for me when all he was doing was hurting 
you?  And then the Chairman leaped onto the hood of the car, and I 
remember trying to get into the front, but suddenly there was 
something... amazing..."
     "What was it?" Shiori asked softly.
     Juri would have liked to say there were no words to describe it.  
But there was one very simple one.  "A miracle."
     They lay there for a few minutes, startled by their realisations.  
"Juri, what happened to us?" Shiori finally said.
     "I don't know.  I can't trust my memories.  I don't dare ask the 
other Student Council members.  We were never really that close to 
begin with."
     "That's not true!  You and that boy seemed to be good friends.  
Kaoru?"
     Juri smiled slightly.  "We were just duellists.  We served on the 
student council, and fought our mock battles, and after that year, when 
they elected someone else, we drifted apart.  I don't know if we were 
ever really more than friends of convenience.  Miki was someone I could 
talk with because he wasn't Saionji, Kiryuu, or Nanami."
     Shiori looked away.  "I don't think you give yourself enough 
credit.  I didn't know Miki that well, but I don't think he's the sort 
of person who would make friends just for convenience's sake."
     "Perhaps," Juri allowed.  "But we still drifted apart after that 
year."
     "And that's why you were standing there at graduation, all by 
yourself."
     Juri allowed herself a brief moment of honesty.  "Yes."
     Shiori laughed suddenly.  It was a bitter, hateful laugh that 
sounded hideous coming from her throat.  Juri felt repelled by it.
     "You tell me not to blame myself.  That it was a misunderstanding 
that led to my stealing Ichiro, and leaving the school.  But every time 
I try to, something happens that drives another nail in my heart."  
     She reached out and grasped Juri's hand.  Juri's palms were sweaty 
and slick.  "Juri, was I really your only friend?  The only one you 
ever felt you could talk to?"
     Juri considered.  "No.  There was someone else.  But he ended up 
betraying my trust in him.  And he's dead now anyway.  You were the one 
who was good at making friends.  I never had the knack."
     "You just had the knack for everything else."
     "What?"
     "Juri, I made friends because they wanted to be near you.  You 
were pretty.  You were fashionable.  You had the good grades, but the 
teachers hated you, so you were still cool.  You were an incredible 
athlete, and were allowed on the fencing team younger than anyone else.  
They made friends with me because I was friends with you, not because 
they liked me."
     Juri sighed.  "I can't believe it's still coming down to this."
     "I can't forget it.  I've tried, and I think I've gotten better.  
I can see the light now, and can reach towards it.  But I'm still 
trapped in your shadow."
     "Shiori, stop comparing yourself to me.  Why do we need to?  I was 
your best friend, but not for any of the reasons you mentioned.  I was 
your friend because you were cheerful even when people were cruel to 
you, because you had an incredible imagination that could come up with 
anything.  I didn't want you to fence, or to wear pretty clothes.  Why 
does this still mean everything to you?"
     Shiori's face fell.  "Because you were strong, and I was weak.  
And I try, I try every day, but it still means a lot to me."
     Juri knew these were their final words.  It made her stomach 
heave, but it was true.  She wondered how they would part?  When they 
were children, they would get up, hug each other, and return to the 
room they shared.  There wouldn't be any hugs today.  An awkward 
goodbye, one figure walking back towards the reception.  Or worse, 
the fake smiles, and assurances that they would call and write.  
Putting the masks back on.
     Juri raised her hand to her cheek.  She hadn't been crying... 
didn't remember when she last had, in fact.  But there was something 
that made her want to touch her face anyway, to ensure that she was 
giving her true self to Shiori.  She deserved that.  Had always 
deserved it.
     And suddenly, horribly, Juri knew exactly what Shiori would say 
next.
     "Juri, I know I have no right to know.  I know it wasn't Ichiro.  
But please tell me... whose picture was in the locket?  Was it someone 
I knew?  Or someone you kept from me?  I feel as if that locket... was 
the start of everything bad I did.  Every hurt I caused you, every time 
I tried to use you to make myself feel good.  Even if we never speak 
again... I need to be selfish again.  I need to know."
     Juri brought her hand down from her face, and took Shiori's hand 
in hers.  Shiori looked startled, and for a moment it was as if they 
were both ten years old again.  Ten years old, when Juri could touch 
Shiori and feel nothing but the happy friendship of childhood.
     "Do you think it was just you?  Do you think I don't look back 
every day and think that if only I'd told you, if only I hadn't hidden 
it... that we'd still be best friends?  That it was because of my own 
cowardice that everything was ruined?"  Her voice was just as hoarse as 
Shiori's had been earlier, and now she understood why it had been.
     Shiori had tears forming in her eyes now.  She'd always been more 
emotional than Juri... there was smiling and laughing these days, but 
every time she did, it felt as if she was becoming someone else.  As if 
the image of Juri she had in her head wasn't allowed to be like this.  
Smiles were what Shiori was for.  It was another reason for the locket.
     "Juri, why do you think it would have hurt me?  I didn't want you 
not to fall in love.  Yes, I suppose I might have been a little jealous 
that we wouldn't be as close, but do you think I would value that over 
your happiness?"
     Juri briefly remembered talking to Ruka, telling him to get back 
together with Shiori.  Only a scant week after she'd demanded that they 
break up.  Telling herself that Shiori's happiness was more important 
than her own.
     She didn't know which was worse, lying to Shiori or lying to 
herself.
     She decided they were both reprehensible.
     "You."
     "What?"
     "You were in the locket, Shiori.  That was why I never told you.  
Why I kept it hidden.  I was too wrapped up in my own fear, too sure of 
what you would say.  That's why there was never any need to apologise.  
It was entirely my doing."
     "Oh."
     Such a small word.  Amazing how one word could cause Juri to wish 
a hole in the ground would simply swallow her up.
     "You loved me."  Shiori's voice sounded as if it was coming from 
far away.  Juri wondered if there was disgust in it, or if that was 
merely her imagination.
     "Yes."
     "Do you still?"
     Juri paused.  Anything she said now would hurt Shiori.  It was too 
late to try and heal any wounds.  So she might as well tell the truth.
     "I'm not sure.  It still feels like I do.  But I don't know if I 
trust my feelings anymore.  I love the twelve-year-old girl who was 
always there to make me feel needed, and who said that if I believed in 
a miracle, it would happen.  I think I still love that twelve-year-old 
girl.  But there's more to you than her.  Both good and bad.  And I've 
never really been able to get past that and find out about you.  I 
might as well have turned you into stone when I put your picture in 
that locket."
     Juri was looking at Shiori's hand, which still remained clasped in 
her own.  Looking into her eyes was not an option.  It amazed Juri 
sometimes, that for all of her fencing abilities, and academic 
achievements, and having the entire school regard her as an ideal... 
that she was still ruled by fear.
     "I don't think I would have understood very well," Shiori finally 
said.  Her voice was gaining strength now.  "I don't think I understood 
much of anything about sex back then... it wasn't something my parents 
told me.  I probably learned it from the usual whispered giggles in the 
back of the classroom.  I probably would have overreacted at first... 
said it was awful and disgusting."  Shiori's voice cracked.  Juri 
wanted to hold her, to clutch her face to her chest and say that it was 
alright, that she didn't have to feel that it was her fault.  Instead, 
she just kept staring at their clasped hands.
     It was Shiori's next words that made Juri gasp, that made her eyes 
finally turn and look into Shiori's.
     "But I would never have pushed you away.  I might have been 
confused, and I probably would have said that I didn't really love you 
that way... but things would have been the same.  They would have.  And 
I ruined it.  I ruined it all by doing something so stupid, and it 
didn't even matter to you because it wasn't about Ichiro at all!"
     Shiori was crying, tears streaming down her face.  "I ruined 
everything, Juri.  Why?"
     Juri was quick to respond.  "Because I didn't tell you.  Because I 
kept--"
     "Stop trying to say that everything was your fault!"  Now there 
was genuine anger in Shiori's voice, and Juri pulled her hand away.  
"You sit there and you say that you haven't been able to meet the real 
me, but then every time I try to say I did something wrong you won't 
let me!  Stop--"
     Shiori stopped, as if she'd come to a realisation, and the anger 
left her voice.  "Stop trying to put me back inside your locket," she 
finished softly.
     Juri wasn't sure what to say anymore.  "The locket was broken."
     Shiori shook her head.  "It doesn't seem like it was.  It's still 
here."  And she put her hand lightly over Juri's heart.
     Juri breathed out slowly and evenly.  She forced herself to 
concentrate on Shiori's words.  Shiori had always been able to 
understand Juri's real feelings, when they were children.  Or at least 
that was how Juri had always remembered it.
     Suddenly her memory problems from two years before weren't quite 
as disturbing.  After all, she had been editing her own memories for 
years.
     Shiori was speaking.  "I was jealous that someone else was closer 
to you than I was.  I was paranoid enough to think it was Ichiro.  And 
I was selfish enough to steal him from you, and then a coward to run 
away because of it.  And Juri, if you can't admit that to yourself, I 
might as well get up and walk away."
     Juri did nothing.  She felt as if she couldn't move, trapped by 
her growing panic.  She had to get up, she had to do something.  
     And then she heard Shiori sigh and start to rise from the grass.
     Suddenly she was reaching out, and grasping her arm, and pulling
Shiori down on top of her.  Her arms reached out to hold her tightly, 
and she whispered fiercely in her ear.
     "Please don't go.  You're right.  We both made mistakes."
     And it was then that Juri suddenly remembered how to cry.
     And she was still talking, but none of it made sense, because 
these great huge sobs were coming from her, and she wasn't able to say 
what she wanted to without more just coming out.  It felt like it would 
go on forever.
     And then it stopped.  And Shiori was still holding Juri in her 
arms (when had they gone from Juri holding Shiori to the reverse?), and 
was still whispering into her ear.
     "Thank you."
     And Juri realised that the black pit in her stomach, the one she 
had used as her strength for so many years, was gone as if it had never 
been there.
     They separated, but only to lie back down on the lawn, hands still 
connected.
     Shiori gave a short laugh.  "I think I suddenly realised 
something.  You keep saying how happy I was as a child, and how you 
depended on it.  And I think that I was happiest when I was comforting 
you.  When you were afraid, or angry, or sad, and I was able to hold 
you like that and say that it was alright, and that you were a 
fantastic, wonderful person, and that everything was going to be fine."
     Juri opened her mouth to respond, but Shiori continued.
     "It's funny how I look back at that now... and all I can see is 
that I was at my happiest when you were in pain."
     Her mouth closed, and they sat there in silence again.
     Shiori spoke first.  "Why did we let it get to this point?  Why 
did we wait until we have to leave each other before we had this out 
between us?"
     Juri once more realised that she'd never see Shiori again.  And 
she wanted to.  She wanted to find out about her hopes, and dreams, and 
fears.  She wanted to tell her when she was being stupid and selfish, 
and reassure her when she needed it.  She wanted the two of them to sit 
under a tree and watch the sun go down, and tell each other secrets.  
She wanted Shiori to comfort her, and tell her everything would be all 
right.
     She wanted to fall in love with Shiori all over again.
     She suddenly heard Shiori's voice.  Not the Shiori lying here 
before her today, but the one six years ago, handing her a flower.
     Believe in a miracle, that your wish may come true.
     And Juri closed her eyes, and opened her heart, and truly 
*believed*.
     "I can't do this.  I can't let it end like this."
     Juri opened her eyes.  "What?"
     Shiori sat up.  She looked scared, but determined.  "Juri, what 
are you doing after you graduate?  Do you have a job?"
     Juri was startled by the change of subject.  "No... I was going to 
look, but they needed someone to train the new Student Council 
treasurer, and I had to break in the new Team Captain.  And the Academy 
tends to be deceptive.  We've been here for so long, we sometimes 
forget there's a real world out there.  I had thought I'd go back home, 
prepare a resume.  I wanted to take a year off before deciding on 
college."  Juri winced.  She sounded like a typical slacker.
     Shiori nodded.  "I didn't know what I wanted to do either.  I 
didn't really do well enough in school to go to college... and my uncle 
died recently, and left me with some money.  I decided I'm going to go 
to Europe.  You always hear about kids doing it.  Taking a backpack, 
going from town to town, camping under the stars..."
     Her voice grew more excited as she went on, and Juri couldn't help 
but feel happy for her.
     Shiori turned, and grasped Juri's hands.  "Come with me."
     "What?"
     "Please?  We could see the sights, and learn about the culture.  
You took French, right?  And I took German, so we can get by in those 
countries.  And maybe we could talk more about the past few years, and 
try to figure out why our memories are so vague.  And we could relax, 
and... and we could become friends again.  You were really my only 
friend, Juri.  And you told me I was your only friend.  Do we really 
want to give something like that up?"
     She looked terrified.  It must have taken all of her courage to 
breach the topic at all.  Her eyes were cast to the ground, waiting for 
the inevitable, 'it sounds lovely, but' that Juri felt rising 
involuntarily to her lips.
     Juri could hear her brain screaming at her, telling her to say 
yes, to say no, to talk about being responsible, to get up and run 
away, to grab Shiori and kiss her...
     She told her brain to shut up.  "No.  I want to feel that way 
again."
     Shiori smiled, an utterly gorgeous smile that made her face light 
up like the sun they had just watched set.  She already sounded more 
confident.
     "Come with me?"
     And muscles Juri felt she hadn't used in years protested, 
cracked, and gave in, and Juri returned the smile with one that 
rivalled its brightness.
     "All right."


END



This is just a short dialogue piece I wrote when my brain throttled me.  
Thanks to Alan Harnum, Jon Carp, Erica Friedman, RpM, Trisha Sebastian, 
Andrew Huang, Chris Bremer and His Lordship Chaos for prereading 
chores.