Possession

by E. Liddell         


Author's Note:  I really don't know what it is about Kyouichi
Saionji that makes my brain insist on interpreting his behaviour
the way it does.  Maybe it's the apron.  ;P  Anyway, yaoi-ish,
although nothing explicit is shown.

      "Shoujo Kakumei Utena" belongs to BePapas and a whole
bunch of other people, none of whom is me.

        *               *               *

      My life would be easier if I were completely crazy.  But of
course, I'd never dare actually admit that to your face, because
then I'd have to tell you why.
      Crazy people don't spend their entire lives second-guessing
themselves.  They don't spend their entire lives wondering why
they feel a certain way, or what's wrong with them.  If there
really is anything wrong.
      Damnit, we've known each other since we were six years
old!  We've been friends almost all our lives.  I am not supposed
to feel this way about a friend, but for years now . . . for
years . . .
      Hell, I can't even force myself to *think* it.  It's too
embarrassing.  The most I can put into words is that I'm *drawn*
to you.  Like a moth to a flame--isn't that the classic way of
saying it?  You're beautiful and utterly fatal and you'll destroy
me if I give in to you, and at the same time, I can't even imagine
letting you go.
      I think I first noticed it on the morning after we found that
girl in the coffin.  Yes, that early.  I asked you if you had done
something to help her, and you said that you hadn't.
      You lied.
      I think it was the first time that you'd ever lied to me.  And
you'd *changed*, in some way that I still can't describe.  But I
knew that you'd taken a step past me, *beyond* me, into a world
that I hadn't yet entered.  And I resented that, because I wanted
to follow you.
      To *follow* you.  Up to that point, we'd been friends,
equals, but starting on that day, I placed myself just a little behind

you.  I deferred to you.  Something about the bond between us
changed on that day.
      Had he already shown you something eternal, Touga?  Was
that what changed?  I don't know, but you weren't the same
person anymore, and neither was I.  I wanted something from
you that I'd never wanted before, but it was years before I was
able to give it a name.
      *Love*.
      And not just brotherly love, damn it all.  *Romantic* love.
*Physical* love.  I . . . I want you to touch me, and kiss me, and
run your hands through my hair.  I want to do everything with
you that I know you've done with End of the World, and more.
I want you to push me down onto a bed, and . . . and . . .
      Okay, so I can't make myself think about *that* part of it,
even now.  Still, the fact remains.
      I want you.
      And I'm scared stiff.
      Oh, not about the physical part of it.  I've got some idea of
how that works, even though, on the few occasions that I've
talked about it with someone, it's been more of a subject for rude
jokes than one for serious conversation.  No, what I'm afraid of
is becoming just another one of your conquests, just another
throw-away bed toy.  I don't think I could bear that.
      That's why I wanted to beat you.  That's why I wanted the
Rose Bride.  Not for eternal friendship, as you seemed to think.
Not because I wanted to give *her* eternity, certainly.  She never
mattered to me except as a way of connecting with *you*.
Although I did start to feel sorry for her, after a while.  That's
why I used to spout all that stuff about loving her.  That, and
because I was in denial.  I didn't *want* to be in love with you.
You're beautiful and fierce and domineering and you frighten me
so.  I just knew that I had to prove that I was better than you at
something, just *once*, because that was the only way that I
would be able to make you see me as your equal.  Well, all right.
It was the only way that I could make *me* see me as your
equal.  You've always been just that fraction better than me at
everything we ever try to do.  It's enough to make a guy feel
really inferior.
      It's kind of funny, you know.  Wakaba-kun--you know,
Utena's friend?  The girl who was chasing after me for a while?--
seems to think that I'm special somehow, like you.  I could never
convince her that anything she saw in me was just a reflection of
you.  You know, if you weren't there, or if you were a little
different, if you'd never seen eternity or I'd never come to
believe that I could attain it, I might have gotten to like Wakaba.
The way she looked up to me almost did make me feel special.  It
was . . . nice.
      But I threw it all away, because I want you more.
      Is there any chance for us, do you think?  Oh, I know that if
all I wanted was you in my bed, I could have you for the asking.
But I want your heart, too.
      *She* has it at the moment, of course.  Utena.  That tomboy
that you've become so obsessed with.  I hated her, back when
that began.  I don't feel quite the same way about it now, though,
because she's pushing you away herself.  You blew it with her,
big-time.  It would have been funny to watch, if it hadn't hurt
you so much.
      Maybe I can catch you on the rebound.  It might not make
you love me, exactly, but I think you'd be grateful, and at least
that would be *something*.
      I'll even fight End of the World for you, if you ask me to.
Anything you want.  Anything you need.
      Anything.

                        The End

E. Liddell

eliddell@puc.net
http://ejlddll.virtualave.net
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"One tacky fairytale artefact per expedition is about my limit."
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