Issho ni wa Ikaga desu ka 

Time Line: Episode 10 

One 

The clouds were ships, sailing out to nowhere, to any place and every
place yet to be seen, leaving him behind. Parting his lips in a quiet
sigh, he added an extra spoonful of sugar to his afternoon tea, mixing
it in slowly with his fingertip. The tea was icy cold to the skin,
bitter. He lifted the cup to his lips slowly, watching as the silvery
brown liquid glimmered once, reflecting the blue sky and careless,
white clouds. He took a drink, not tasting, gazing up at the sky as a
bird flew by, its cry inaudible. 
  

Memory One 

"Yes... Yes, thank you very much. We appreciate all that you have done
for us. Pardon us for bothering... Domo arigato gozaimashita."

His mother set the receiver down slowly, one hand rising to comb back
a stray bang. He didn't need to hear her say anything. The call had
been another dead end, offering up a slim hope only to snatch it away.
He leaned against the supports of the kitchen door, his fingers
tracing idle patterns over the wall. He kept his gaze on his mother as
she walked towards him, placing her hands on his shoulders, her eyes
overshadowed by her bangs. 

"I'm sorry, Touga, honey, Yagushi san hasn't seen your koneko
either..." 

Touga lowered his sight to the floor, his bare feet looked up at him
in mute heartlessness. He shrugged off his mother's hands, turning
away in silence. He heard his mother sigh, her steps slow and hollow
as she went down the hall. A few minutes later, his father's voice
rose from the living room, asking who had been on the phone. 

"Mrs. Yagushi," she said, the clink of a China tea cup accompanying
the sound. "She thought she'd found Touga's kitten."

His father's newspaper rustled. "And?" 

"It wasn't his cat. I told him." 

He didn't want to hear what he knew would come next. His father would
turn the pages in his newspaper, grunting that the boy would be better
off without the cat. That thing only knew how to eat, sleep, and bite
people. Placing his hands firmly over his ears, Touga raced up the
stairs to his room. His father's words always hurt him, no matter how
many times he heard them. 

"Ne, Onisama..." 

Standing in the centre of the main hall, his younger sister, Nanami,
looked up at him. Her dress was soiled and wet, a rip running along
one stocking. Her pale, yellow hair clung in rivulets to her cheeks,
tiny drops spilling to the the floor. He looked at her in silence, one
hand resting on the cool banister. There were traces of tears on her
cheeks, but her smile was sweet and open. Trying to get his mind off
the lost kitten, no doubt. But he didn't even have the strength to
smile in return. 

"Onisama, I found a robin's nest. Do you want to come see? Ne?" 

His voice sounded strange to his ears, hollow and listless. "No... I
don't want to do anything today, Nanami."
The door to his room didn't slam shut, but the sound seemed to echo
throughout all the house. Lips trembling under the threat of tears,
Nanami
lowered her head. 

"Onisama..." 
  

Two 

The elevator rumbled to itself as it made its descent. Touga could
feel the rumble run through his bones, keeping him in a drowsy state
where he could make out nothing but the darkness and light of the
elevator bars upon bright blue sky. It opened on the second floor,
letting out one last grumbled protest before it settled. He stepped
out in silence, hands in his pockets, the tread of his shoes thin and
hollow as he made his way across the empty room. 

It had been years since he'd last been to that room. Silence hung on
its bare walls and dusty taffeta curtains, heavy and oppressive. It
pressed against his temples with a trembling anxiety. Years ago, the
silence had scared him, filled him with an uneasy dread that had sent
him running away more than once. He welcomed it now. 

At the very end of the room stood a narrow, wooden dresser, its hinges
long since rusted and useless. He ran his fingertips over it slowly,
feeling the dust settle and tingle against his skin. The doors creaked
in protest as he opened them, bits of rotten wood pealing off and
scattering to the floor. Reaching in, he pulled out a rusted, worm
eaten box, which he set atop the dresser, dusting it off as best as he
could with his sleeve. The brownish dust would show on the sleeve of
his white, Council President's uniform, but he didn't care. He could
always just misplace the jacket. 

His lips formed a tiny, humourless smile as he pulled out a
dilapidated record player from its box. It smelled of damp rust and
dead coach roaches, the heady, metallic scent nipping at his senses.
He set it down slowly, releasing the mechanism that held down the
needle. It wobbled uncertainly as he released it, but he knew that the
old record player would still work. The LPs lay in a stack beside the
dresser, Mozart, Beethoven, Glenn Miller, Atso Kiyanzaki on the piano,
Gen Mikami conducting the London and Vienna Symphony Orchestras. He
pulled out a plain, black cover copy of Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 2. 

The record slid easily into its machine, needle moving slowly before
it made contact with the dusty vinyl, the first few notes grainy and
uncertain. Closing his eyes, Touga leaned back against the wall, the
first movement of the symphony stealing over him. He saw only darkness
behind his lids, punctuated by the sad lament of the violin, the make
believe gaiety of the French horns. It had been years since he'd last
heard this. 
  

Memory Two 

"Koneko chan! Here, boy! I have a treat for you!" 

Kyooichi Saionji tapped at the front wheel of Touga's bicycle with a
stick and let out a sigh. It had been three days since Touga's cat had
disappeared, and he was starting to get tired of ridding around town
looking for it. Touga wouldn't hear of not looking, though, but
Kyooichi wished he wouldn't have to be forced to look, too. The damn
thing was probably dead, anyway.

"Mou," he called out, "any ideas what you're gonna do if it does come
and it finds out you don't have any treat?"

"That's beside the point," was Touga's absentminded response, hands
cupping over his mouth as he called out again. Kyooichi groaned in
disgust. 

"Come on, you're not gonna go looking around for it all night, are
you? It's almost ten pm, Touga. My parents expect me home." He placed
his hands on his hips, impatient and angry as his friend walked on,
ignoring his words. 

"Your parents are expecting you too," Kyooichi said hotly. He knew
that wasn't true. Touga's parents had allowed him to go out and search
for his cat for as long as he liked. His mother was a kind hearted,
indulgent woman and his father didn't care as long as Touga came back
in time for breakfast. Not knowing what else to do, Kyooichi let out
an exasperated sigh and rattled his stick along the ground. 

"Stop that!" Touga snapped, his short, red hair whipping across his
eyes as he glared back at Kyooichi. He saw his friend's eyes narrow,
his chin rising in defiance, and he regretted having snapped out at
him. Kyooichi wasn't to blame for anything, but... 

"I can't hear him if he calls out with that noise," he said, his voice
apologetic and dry. 

"You wouldn't be able to hear him anyway," Kyooichi mumbled, clanking
his stick against the bike's pedals. "That damn cat ain't out there." 
  

Three 

The needle bobbed up and down, useless, as the record came to a stop,
pushing it back to its unsteady place. Touga remained as he was, eyes
closed and arms crossed over his chest, listening to the silence after
the symphony. He thought he heard a voice call out, a young, female
voice, like the soft call of a cat, but it was soon gone. Pushing away
from the wall, he walked towards the centre of the room. A wooden wind
device hung from the rafters, oscillating in its hinges, creaking and
groaning to the silence. Touga gazed up at it without really seeing
it, as if the feeble light sifting in through the cracks in the
ceiling and the dust had caught in his lashes. 

"No one is here to see you," he murmured to it. His voice sounded too
loud. Out of place. Digging his hands into his pockets, he walked past
it, going towards the elevator doors. He could feel the record player
behind him, calling out to him, longing for a companion. He ignored
it, blue eyes cold and impassive as the elevator doors shut closed. 

"Be content," he murmured, "you've already served your purpose." 
  

Memory Three 

Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 2 played to itself in the back of his mind,
its reality ignored as it played on the vitrola on his desk. One hand
had risen to rest against his cheek, the other lying across his lap,
palm upturned. The kitten would have clambered up into that palm, paws
cold against his skin, sniffing him out to find the food he was sure
to get. Touga clenched his palm closed, fingers digging into his skin. 

"Onisama...?" 

He didn't move. A soft tap came to his door, followed by Nanami's
voice. He murmured for her to go away. Her voice came again, urgent.
His chair rasped against the floor as he stood up, pulling the door
open in one brusk, sudden movement. Nanami stepped back as she saw him
appear, but her unease was soon replaced by a bright smile. 

"Touga onisama," she said. "You've been very sad lately... So I made
you something to eat. See?" 

With a triumphant smile, she held out a platter of thin, butter
cookies. Touga looked down at them in horror, one hand rising to cover
his mouth. He could feel his throat contract painfully, icy fingers
wrapping themselves around his heart. Nanami blinked up at him. She
held out the platter again, her smile unwavering, sweet and happy. 

"What's the matter, onisama? Don't you like them...? They're shaped
like little cats, just like the one you lost. See?" 

She picked one up and showed it to him, taking one step forward for
each he took backwards. Placing it against her teeth, she snapped off
its head, the crumbs scattering over her pale, mint dress. Touga let
out a choked groan, eyes widening. Nanami kept walking towards him,
the headless kitten resting atop the pile of butter cats, rocking to
and fro as she took a new step. Her eyes betrayed nothing but love and
concern. Concern and love. Love for him. With a cry, he slapped the
tray away. 

It clattered to the ground as if in slow motion. The butter cats
scattered over the floor, bloodless and mangled. Nanami stood thin and
motionless, violet eyes wide, lips trembling. The tray had struck her
face before it had crashed to the floor, butter crumbs falling over
her face and dress and hair. Touga moaned, his voice a hoarse whisper.
He took a step back, the movement beheading one of the butter cats.
The sound, shrill and hollow, snapped him to himself. 

Shamed washed over him. He reached out for Nanami, his voice
trembling. She backed away from him, eyes wide, filling with tears.
The sight caused a tremor to go through his heart, the blood rushing
out of his face. He grasped her shoulders, pulling her close to him.
He was afraid she'd cry out and break away, but she didn't. She threw
her arms around him, her face pressing against his stomach as she
sobbed and held on to him. He held her stiffly, one hand rising to
caress her golden hair in absentminded strokes, his eyes fixed on the
broken butter cats, his voice low and husky as he whispered that
everything was all right, that he was sorry. If Nanami said anything,
he didn't hear a word. 
  

Four 

Miki clicked his watch to a stop, the face flashing out 08:24 minutes.
Touga's head snapped up at the sound, his hand ceasing its slow play
with one of the wind chimes Juri had tied to the portal of the Ohtori
Academy Student Council terrace. The Council meeting for that day had
been quiet, drowsy. Touga blinked, eyes straying towards the rose
signet on his finger, looking for an anchor. 

"Eight minutes," Miki announced, his voice betraying the sigh he had
not let escape. "Do you have anything to report, Touga?" 

Touga shook his head, his hand rising once again to play with the wind
chime's paper strips. "Nothing," he said. "Nothing's really
happening." 

Juri stepped down from the ladder she had been using to tie up a new,
rose coloured wind chime. "He's probably just saying that because he's
worried about having to fight his beloved Utena." 

Miki held out a pale blue wind chime to Juri, who took it and tied it
to a free space on the portal behind Touga's head. Touga smiled. "My
duel with Utena is the last thing I need to worry about," he said.
Stepping away from the portal, he picked up a yellow and orange wind
chime from the box Juri had set on the floor. He motioned for Miki to
hold up his right arm, tying the wind chime to the boy's wrist in
silence. 

"Is that so?" Juri said. Taking up Miki's left hand, she tied a purple
wind chime close to his elbow. " You do seem worried, though,
Seitokaisho. I hope that you'll be all right." 

Miki nodded, arms outstretched, wind chimes clinking softly in the
rising wind. "Otherwise, you might lose your duel." 

Touga sighed, a faint smile playing across his lips as he held up his
left arm for Juri. "Wakateru yo. I understand," he said. "I'll be all
right. I just need to relax my mind for a bit." 

Stepping back, Juri surveyed her work, smiling in satisfaction at the
matching red and pink wind chimes she had tied to each wrist of
Touga's gracefully posed arms. 

"Perfect," she murmured. 
  

Memory Four 

He had brought red posies to the makeshift grave he had erected in the
backyard for his kitten. Nanami stood beside him, holding up the
canister he had used to water them. She stood by in silence as he
cried in silence and said his childish, impassioned goodbyes. His
fine, red hair lay over his neck, moving gently in the wind. She
wanted to place a comforting hand over his shoulder, over his bare,
ivory neck, but she remained as she was, watching him, drinking him
in. 

He straightened up in a slow, funeral movement, holding out his hand
for the canister. Nanami handed it across to him with a smile of
devotion, a faint, secretive smile she was certain her brother could
not see. He watered the posies in silence, emptying the canister and
then setting it down. 

"Saraba, Koneko. Goodbye forever," he murmured. Then, turning towards
Nanami, "Let's go." 

She put her hand into his with a smile. His fingers closed around her
own. Warm, so warm and close. As it always should be. They walked
towards the house in silence, Touga looking straight ahead, Nanami
gazing up at the profile of his face. Sadness suited his features. She
pressed closer to his hip, silk, floral dress swaying in the breeze,
warm waves of happiness and content washing over her. 

"Ne, onisama, will you be all right...?" 

He squeezed her hand, a gentle, brotherly gesture. "Yes, I will. I
didn't have him for very long..." He sighed, his eyes searching out
hers. His smile was faint and soft, lighting up his clear, blue eyes.
Nanami's heart fluttered. "I'm just sorry that I had to lose your
beautiful birthday present, Nanami imouto." 

His skin was warm under her lips as she kissed his hand. "Mou,
daijobu. It's all right. I just want you to be happy. I want us to be
very happy, Onisama. Just the two of us. So happy." 
  

Final 

The clouds sailed by him in lazy arabesques, crashing into each other
and moving on. Hands folded behind his head, Touga watched them sail
on. The smell of grass and wildflowers mixed and rose up around him,
tickling at his nostrils. Tiny seeds took flight, clinging to his hair
or drifting past him. He blew them on idly, eyes half closed in drowsy
content. 

"You're happy?" 

He smiled up at Nanami. A lunch bag hung from her elbow, the smell of
the rice cakes mingling with the aroma of the grass and her jasmine
scent. She settled down beside him gracefully, opening her bag and
arranging her food out for them: rice cakes and thick tofu, fruit and
chocolates. 

"You don't mind if I stay, do you, onisama?" 

He took a bite of rice cake. He hadn't eaten since that morning. "Not
at all," he said, noting her smile. They ate for a while in silence,
the clouds sailing above them and the world floating on in the
careless summer. At length, Touga stretched out on the grass again,
eyes closed and one hand resting over his stomach. Nanami watched him
in contented silence, her eyes playing over the sharp contours of his
face, the length of his fingers, in a slow caress. 

"Touga onisama," she said at length, "you seem so sad lately... Are
you all right?" 

"I'm fine," he murmured. He fell silent for a moment then. He didn't
really want to talk about anything to anyone. But, somehow, today, it
was different with Nanami. She was cold, and cruel, possessive and
jealous, but she was all he had right now. Sometimes, she was all he
really had. 

"It was very close to this date that I lost the kitten you gave me
three years ago." He chuckled as he said the words. They sounded very
foolish when said out loud. "Maa, but that's a silly thing to feel
melancholic about, ne?" 

He gazed up at the clouds again. Nanami didn't say a word. She picked
up a chocolate bonbon and took a bite. He could hear her teeth grind
against waffle shell and hazel nut filling. Propping himself up in one
shoulder, he reached out for one. His hand had only come to rest upon
the edge of a wrapper when Nanami placed her own over it. It was
trembling. Surprised, Touga looked up into her face. 

"Nanami..." 

Her lips trembled, violet eyes holding his, yet uncomfortable in doing
so. She seemed afraid, guilty. Her lips parted once, trying to form
words that could only escape as whispers of sound. Preoccupied by the
distress he saw in her face, Touga placed his fingertips against her
cheek. Her lips moved again, no sound escaping, her fingernails
digging into his skin. He kept his face clear of any pain, fingers
instead digging into the grass. 

"What's wrong, Nanami?" 

She placed her free hand over his own. "Touga... your kitten... I..." 

He blinked, his worry dissolving into a smile. He thought he
understood. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, her skin cool
under his lips, lingering as his hand upturned in the grass and
wrapped itself around her cold fingers. Nanami could feel her heart
contract painfully. He was so close. And she couldn't keep the
memories away. The rain flooding the streets. The kitten's pitiful
cries from inside its box. The box tittering and falling over the edge
as she pushes it off. It becomes lost quickly in the whirlpools and
cascades of the flooded drain. The kitten had drowned. She had... Her
eyes closed, her free hand rising to encircle her brother's neck. 

"Onisama. Touga onisama," she sobbed. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." 

Touga kissed her again, his lips searching out her tears as he held
her near. His heartbeat was warm and steady against her own. 

"Mou, daijobu da," he murmured. "That was a long time ago. You don't
have to cry." He smiled then, his breath stirring the hairs at the
nape of her neck. "I didn't know you missed him, too. But it's all
right. We're together." 

Rocking gently back and forth, he cradled her close to him, feeling
grown up and brotherly, soothing away her sadness, understanding and
forgiving. Crushed against him, tears spilling hot and shameful down
her cheeks, Nanami hoped that he would never understand why she cried,
but that he would hold her close, very close, as it always should be.
Just the two of them. Happy. 

  



This story was written as a spur of the moment thing. I had been
toying with the idea of writing a Kakan no Madonna story, but instead
wound up writing about Utena. Heh. Must have been three days straight
of watching Utena episodes what did it... 

Shikashi. This was written out listening to Natalie Merchant's
Tigerlily, Enya's Watermark, Sarah Mclachlan, and Tchaikovsky's
Symphony No. 4--one of my favourites. Kudos to our newest Team Bonet
member, Louis, for asking me to write and for actually leaving me
alone to do it. Ha ha. 

If you'd like to send mail, please drop it here:
http://www.geocities.co.jp/AnimeComic/7086/tbmail.html
  
                                                 
@March 8th, 1998 Team Bonet. Shoujo Kakumei Utena is @1997 BePapas,
Chiho Saito, and O Terebi. Thank you so much for taking the time to
read. Please feel free to pick up a strawberry as you walk out, eh?
Ora ora!