Leifker presents... Courtesans A Shoujo Kakumei Utena fanfic by Nicholas Leifker Utena created by Saitoh Chiho, with US distribution owned by CPM. All rights reserved. I ask that you not do anything with any part of this fanfic without the author's permission. Warning: There are some spoilers in here (I think); however, the spoilers have nothing to do with the End of the World. Take my revolution... ************************************************************************ Evening has come - the time of shadows, the hours of dreams. My sword glistens with a coat of freshly-applied oil; the blade appears sharp to the point of nothingness. It feels good in my hands; it moves with a weight and fluidity simply not found in a wooden bokken. I move it between various guard positions, and smile at the creation; Masamune himself could not have forged a better one. It doesn't hold a candle next to the Sword of Dios, though. Sighing, I sheath the blade, and look around. The room seems empty now; I never knew how much Anthy filled it with her presence. I miss her carefully-crafted meals, her cheering as I fought my duels, her beautiful roses... I miss her. She was the light in my darkness. She was what I lived for. My hand clenches around the blade's handle. That bitch Utena defeated me - twice - each time against impossible odds. That shouldn't have happened; simply put, I'm better than her. If that doesn't convince Jury of her folly, nothing will. I have attended her subsequent fights; in each case, Utena should have lost. My strength, Miki's passion, Jury's precision... any or all of these should have bested her. Each time, something came between her and defeat, whether it be Dios, or simple fortune. I am beginning to think that she may be the one. That doesn't mean that I have to like it - or that I have to accept it. I know what my letters said; I am the chosen one. I will not - cannot - let such a simple girl defeat me. My life is at stake, and I will not roll over and die because of her. Silence is my life, now; silence and vengeance. Each day I come home from my practices, she is not here; whenever I call for her in my forgetfulness, she does not answer. The footsteps echo loudly through the room, and the nothingness that surrounds me when I turn off the lights at night is enough to drive any man crazy. In my practices, I make no sound; I want none. Everything I hear merely reminds me of what I have lost. Every thought is focused on my victory, every dream tuned to my shining moment. Utena will lose. I don't care what it takes; she will go down. One day, she will make a mistake, and I'll be there when she does. I have even fantasized about moving my blade a little too far; the dead are never lucky, after all, and all of the Council (except maybe Touga) would be better for it. And, then, Anthy will be mine again - mine forever. I put the sword into a carrying case, and make my way out of the dorm room. There is still time left in the night, and I need all the practice I can get. After all, luck is for those who make it... ************************************************************************ Do you know what it is like to be alone? I do. Believe me, I do. Loneliness comes part and parcel with who I am. In a way, loneliness created me - or, at least, what everyone conceives as 'me'. If only they knew the truth... how I came to be, the forces that shaped me, perhaps they would understand. However, they would not forgive; I am beyond forgiveness. I have ruined too many lives to be allowed such mercy. I shake my head, trying to clear the demons from my eyes. The past weighs heavily on me tonight; I feel the heartache more keenly than usual. It happens; some nights I find myself almost normal, while other nights are spent wishing for miracles. Miracles... heh. What a joke. Utena may trust in them, but they will betray her in the end. I turn away from my studies; I'm not going to get any more done tonight. The uniform slips off with a practiced ease, soon to be replaced with a more comfortable sleeping gown. I like this gown. It reminds me that I haven't totally destroyed myself behind this mask. The night feels good; autumn rains have cooled the air, enough to give goosebumps without chilling entirely. Instinctively I clutch at my locket; what is contained inside must be kept warm, must be kept alive at the cost of all else. My fingers rub across its forged surface, feeling every cut, knowing it like a practiced lover... like I wanted to know her. I was silly, then. I should have known better. My ears twitch at the sound of a piano; 'Moonlight' and moonlight are a delicious mix. I peer through the glass; sure enough, Miki is busy working his magic on the ivories. His eyes are closed; he caresses the keys delicately, with some quality his normal playing lacks. Truth to tell, he looks almost attractive as the music possesses him, with his refined, elfin face, his delicate hands, his slight frame... Almost - but worlds apart. Anger washes over me; I nearly crush my locket in frustration. I know better than to think like that; I can no more change my soul than he could change his body. I can't count the times I've cursed my feelings, wishing I didn't feel this way, wishing she hadn't betrayed me like that... Wishing she'd known, and chosen me over him. I am the odd one of the Council, in a way. Saionji wishes for the power so he can have his precious flower; Touga wishes for the power to rule; Miki wishes to heal the world's problems. They know what to do with the world. I don't. I tell them I want to disprove miracles... that isn't true anymore. I want to make miracles. I just don't know which ones. ************************************************************************ Night. Remarkable what it does to a person's mood, sometimes. There's something that comes into my music then, some ineffable quality that snakes its way through my fingers and into the piano. The music feels more relaxed; I don't have to play for my fellow classmates at this time, so I can unwind like I should. I don't get a chance to do this often, so I enjoy it as much as I can. I wish I could crash through all of the walls. Anthy's presence made me realize something; while I must be at the center of my music, I cannot go totally alone. I need the presence of the Council, much as that surprises me. They are... as much as I am loath to put myself away from everyone, they are my peers. They are equals, and the only people capable of truly challenging me. Challenge is important to me. Without struggle, without knowing that I have something to fight for, my music is useless. My music says what I cannot, and speaks of what can never be. I mourn the waste of my sister's talents in the elegant chords, scream the frustrations of loneliness in the apocalyptic crashes, and hope for future love and success in playful melodies - something I don't play often enough. A soft footfall catches my attention, and I turn outside. Jury-sempai... her fragility stuns me; she seems so vulnerable in her silken gown, a far cry from the imperious mask she wears. She doesn't speak much of her past, though; Touga-sensei has merely hinted at it. Whatever it was, whoever it was who haunts her like this, I pray that Jury-sempai can find some sort of peace, no matter how elusive. Of course... Quietly, I pluck a rose from the vase on the piano, and walk toward the glass doorway. I don't know if it will cheer her up, but I can always hope. After all, someone has to look after her, to make sure she isn't as alone as she thinks. And, maybe, hopefully, with a friend's presence, I won't be as alone as I am. ************************************************************************ The shuffle of a woman's footsteps echo in my ears as I slowly close the door. I strain to hear the rustle of clothing; no doubt our exertions left both of our outfits in disarray. Not caring about the condition of my shirt and jacket, I slip both off and toss them into the hamper. Another day done. Thank God. Each day becomes just a little harder, each seduction a little more painful, and this time I need the shelter of home. I am an actor, a fraud hiding behind killer eyes and a seductive smile. Every morning I wonder if I will have the patience to wear through the day; every night I give thanks that I made it through, and take off the masks. Nobody knows; nobody can know. Rubbing my arms together, I walk to my bed and dream of better times. I've always had to hide from everyone; however, 'everyone' has grown considerably in the past couple of years. When I first joined the Academy, my choice of companions was limited; now it is reduced to none. What would the Council think if they knew my playboy act was precisely that - an act? Dear God, what would Nanami think if she knew her dear older brother was... Problem is, she will know - eventually. Some things are inevitable; one day, this mask will slip, and my greatest secret will become common knowledge. In the end, all secrets are revealed, including mine. Whether it will happen next week, next month, or next year, nobody can know, but it will happen. But will it happen before Revolution? Revolution - what a beautiful word. In one fell swoop, the wills of a few change the face of the world, burning away the old not unlike a crucible, leaving something new and wonderful in its wake. This is the nature of the world, the dreams of myself and my merry band, and what we fervently hope for with baited breath. Sighing, I collapse onto my bed, and think of blue eyes. That handsome girl is more powerful than she realizes, more powerful than the Council realizes. I can sense it; she is the key to all of this - the key to that great castle in the sky. She is the missing part of our group; most of us are too far concerned with our petty crusades to lead us there. With the great, innocent, impartial Anthy to protect, she might take us there before the year is out. That is why I cheer her on. With her, it will not be long before Revolution comes - and my daily torture can end. Perhaps I can seek out someone to share my life with, a strong person with pink hair and the softest blue eyes... It's only a dream, of course, but dreams can become reality. If, of course, a person can stand a little revolution... ************************************************************************ I stare at the dark, blank ceiling, trying to lose myself in its emptiness. My bed seems to swallow me; I revel in the feeling of warmth surrounding me. Nearby, I can hear Chu-chu's gentle snoring; Anthy is still awake, though she is almost ready to sleep. The anger is fading - a little, anyway. Some of it stays; not enough to keep me up at night, but enough to give me focus. Anthy hums to herself quietly; her tune serves to fuel my emotions. How could the Council do something like this? They're toying with the soul of an innocent girl, all for their stupid 'duelist' game. They're also playing games with me; I can't count the number of fights and arguments I've gotten into over this. It's almost like the members of Ohtori are nothing more than pawns to them. It's a sick game, and I can't get out of it. I can't even *stand* the Council, and yet I find myself increasingly immersed in their warfare. About the only one I can respect is Miki, and that's because I at least have some understanding of where he's coming from. As for the others... a playboy, a psycho, and a demented bitch about summarize them. What they're doing is wrong, and I wish I could make them stop. Unfortunately, I can't. They are the will of the school; what they say goes. I've heard about what happens to people who cross Jury; from what I understand, the others could be just as bad if I challenged them. Moreover, I *can't* lose; I tried that with Saionji, and beat him anyway. No, all I can do is ride the storm out and hope they graduate before Anthy ends up hurt or I end up skewered. I pull the covers in close, to shield from the chill that entered the room. "Anthy?" The timidity of my voice surprises me. "Yes?" "Good night." Somehow, telling her that makes me feel better, like it will assure us both of pleasant dreams. There's a silence from Anthy's bed for a moment; Anthy never did rush her words. Finally it comes out, spoken with a sincerity no one else could give. "Good night, Utena-sama." I smile, turn to my side, and close my eyes. Maybe for a few hours, our lives will be safe. ************************************************************************ Thanks to all those who commented on this one. Nicholas Leifker nightelf@thekeep.org http://www.thekeep.org/~nightelf/fanfic/index.html February 11, 1999