This is very much a post-series story - as a consequence, it contains severe spoilers for the end of Utena. (It also probably won't make much sense if you haven't seen that far...) NB: Some may find parts of this disturbing. Reader discretion is honestly advised. This story and others are archived at the Fanfic Revolution: http://come.to/hauthor C&C, flames, whatever else welcome at: adam@yggdrasl.demon.co.uk Shoujo Kakumei Utena : Angel ---------------------------- Chapter 1 : The Sound Of Her Breath Ten years. Ten years of sterile airport lounges, of ghosts and cheap hotels. (Where is it you're going? Are you travelling alone?) Ten years of half-familiar faces and the bitter madness of crowds. (I'm sorry, I didn't see you. One eye on the door.) Ten years of looking for a woman who had never even been born. (Nobody of that name. Can't help you. Not on our files.) Ten years of dying a little more with every passing day. (The colour of your hair. The touch of your hands.) And Himemiya Anthy was so very, very tired. The sun was already dipping low in the sky as she arrived; she gave a tip to the cab driver (far more than necessary), and watched as he slowly disappeared into the distance. White marble steps stretched far up the hill ahead of her, and with each one came a sense of dread. High walls and ungainly, gleaming spires. She was home. Except... The great ornamental gates hung limply open, rusted hinges creaking mournfully in the breeze. No-one came to challenge her as she entered; no voices raised in anger or excitement, in welcome or confusion; not even the busy silence of lessons hidden behind closed doors. She wandered unnoticed through the halls and courtyards, her footsteps echoing loudly between the cold stones. The utter stillness of the place unnerved her in a way she could scarcely define. Even the rose garden had fallen into disrepair, a tangled mass of greenery choking out the light at the windows. "Brother?" she wondered. Her voice rebounded emptily, sadly all around her, but an answer was not forthcoming. "Akio-san? What /happened/ here?" There was no reply. On a half-forgotten instinct she turned around, almost jumping in surprise. "Oh." "It's you." She laughed quietly. "I should have known." do you wonder? do you know? do you wonder what we know? once upon a time a loooong long time ago lived a young man who told stories. and he was the greatest storyteller in the whole world, and people travelled for years from far away lands just to hear him speak. he went from town to town to town telling stories and people laughed and cried and fell in love with every word. but there was one teensy little problem - none of his stories had an ending. and when people found out they got reeeally angry and chased him away! then one day he met a beautiful young girl, who told him "I am the end of stories, and I've been looking for you" and they fell madly in love and lived happily ever after! and neither of them was ever seen again... and he stabbed a knife into her heart and buried her in the forest! and then he woke up and forgot all about her. and they went back together to tell people the ends of his stories... but was that really such a good idea? Anthy smiled slightly as she turned to walk away. "You could just have told me that you didn't know." From far away, the evening breeze seemed to carry the sound of an argument, but there was no-one left to listen. hmph! we do too know! yep! er... we do? Almost unconsciously her footsteps led her onwards, sleepwalking paths she had trodden so many times before. Beneath some nameless architect's imitation of the Bridge of Sighs the shadows of the duelling forest stretched long around her feet. The familiar steps fell away beneath her, each one bringing the memory of strong, warm hands clasped tightly in her own. The wind rippled gently through the long grass, sinuous waves bowing before her. Didn't you know? I *am* a fool. Her stride faltered for the briefest of moments, the sense of presence overwhelming. A part of her longed to turn around, faint hope flaring briefly in her heart. Shaking her head slightly, she walked on. "I'm sorry..." she whispered. "Perhaps I'm a fool as well." As she drew closer the darkness and shadows seemed to gather more tightly around her, the strange, false night of this place. Shivering slightly, she resisted the urge to look up at the stars. They were always... different here, as though a part of her was lost a little more with every moment. Now, though, even the forest was changed. Slender trees whose leaves were unmoved by even the strongest storm now grew gnarled and twisted, clawing their way into the sky. The great rose gate was little more than a shattered ruin; fragments of stone and rusted traceries of metal lay scattered beneath a tangle of thorns. Wraithlike tendrils of mist drifted silently between the blackened trunks, gathering slowly as she watched. With a sigh and a sense of foreboding, she turned to go. There was only one place left to search, and all the courage of ten years could never be enough. "Why do you torment me still?" Anthy could feel the difference even before she finally reached the top of the staircase - a change in the air, perhaps. The wind echoed and howled around the observation deck, the first stars - real stars - visible through the shattered dome of the ceiling. In the centre the silent hulk of the planetarium projector still stood like the body of some great dead beast, a myriad cloudy eyes staring emptily at nothing. Her footsteps clicked loudly as she crossed the bare marbled floor. The whole room felt... empty, unfamiliar somehow. "Brother?" Her voice reverberated loudly, plaintively between the marble columns and the maze of shadows they cast in the twilight. She stood for a moment, waiting as the echoes died, but no answer was forthcoming. She hung her head sadly, tears already forming at the corners of her eyes. From the pocket of her dress she drew a small ring, the crest of a rose still visible upon it; in the dimming light she was no longer sure if it was black or white or even both at once. Her hands closed tightly around it, clutching it to her chest. "Brother. Here in your coffin, I call you." Gentle, whispering laughter and a voice like the delicate caress of soft, slender fingers. "My coffin?" Anthy spun around, startled, but there was no-one there. Warm breath against the back of her neck, and then she was drifting, falling in his embrace, her whole body shivering and alive. "Anthy... Why have you called me here?" Gentle touches... "I need--" A gasp. ...wandering higher... "An answer." Her breath ragged. ...ice and fire... "And what", the barest whisper, "is the question?" ...will you take me back? make me yours? take away this pain?... Sharp, cold edges of the ring against her hands and the warmth of her tears. "Who..." barely breathing now "Who was... is Tenjou Utena?" High, lilting laughter and the touch of those hands, her hands, the way she'd dreamed for, wished for, prayed for in the nights... "Ne... Himemiya?" That voice, and her body reacting beyond anything she'd ever known. "If you ever have a problem... if you need to, you know you can always talk to me, right?" ...a delicate kiss at the nape of her neck... "No..." "I'll hold you and kiss you until you stop crying and then I'll touch you and love you until you start and you'll never feel pain again..." "NO!" Power flared, unbidden, the darkness glowing like a thing alive, reaching out-- Fracture. Anthy opened her eyes slowly, her body shivering and bruised. The moonlight flared in her eyes, almost painfully bright, the floor gleaming like a lake full of stars. The smooth, placid surface was marred by a trail of fluid darkness, deeper black on black that trailed away towards one of the vast windows. There, silhouetted against the lights of the city below, lay her brother's body. Only it wasn't his, it was hers. But it wasn't hers. And it was smiling at her, slumped like a broken, bloody marionette, cold eyes (not hers, not hers) staring unblinkingly back. She turned and walked away. The bedroom was just as she remembered it, the bright stars outside the window flooding the room with silver light. She wanted so much to run, to keep running and never look back... She shivered slightly. Her bed was still unmade as she had left it on that last, terrible day. Anthy sat down slowly on the hard wood, lifting the faded sheets softly to her lips. The delicate scent of her skin was still on them... How had she ever forgotten it? She leapt sharply to her feet, as though burned, tears gathering painfully in her eyes. The sheet slid, forgotten, from her hands, pooling in a rumpled heap on the floor. One more promise to keep before the last. Her tea set was still in the cupboard where they'd always kept it. The little rose motif in her cup stood out starkly in the darkness; the thought made her smile slightly, sadly. The only water left in the pipes was rusty and brackish, but this once it didn't matter. A little magic, just for appearances' sake, the steam driving the chill from her trembling fingertips. She arranged the cups carefully on a tray and carried them over to the table. Outside the window, the stars watched in deathless silence. Anthy raised the cup slowly to her lips. "Utena-sama..." She sipped quietly, tasting cold iron and dust. "I had so many things I wanted to say to you... but I can't even remember any of them. Isn't that sad?" A tiny half-smile, blinking because the steam was getting in her eyes. "Can I tell you a secret?" A pause, her breath caught in her throat. "No, it's nothing about princes or princesses, or even the Ends of the World." Another sip, her tongue feeling thick and heavy in her mouth. "One night, when I'd had... nightmares, you held my hand until I went to sleep. I... I never went to sleep. I just lay... there, next to you, listening to the sound of your breathing. And I never told you." She smiled, and her reflection smiled back at her, only she was crying and she hadn't realised that she'd started. She brushed half-heartedly at a tear running down her cheek, feeling the warmth of it spreading across her fingertip. "Utena-sama... Thank you..." High above the pathways and gardens of the academy, amid the leaping buttresses and colonnades, the night wind roared. Far, far below the lights of the city stretched into the distance, a glittering mirror of the sky. On the very edge of the precipice, Himemiya Anthy was adrift in an ocean of lights. Her dress whipped about her like the thrashing of great, feathered wings, and the wind seemed to carry a million siren voices raised in song. Amid the tumult, there was only one voice left which mattered. The touch of fingertips a gossamer thread holding her in place. Are you running away? "No." A heartbeat. "Not any more." Strong hands held her aloft for a breathtaking moment, then a rush of air and she was flying, falling up into the stars... so many, many beautiful stars. With a breath, she spread her wings and flew into the night. A cry of shock burst suddenly across the courtyard, echoing along the silent corridors of the academy. "Akari-chan? What's wrong?" "Up... Up there, on top of the science block. There's someone up there!" "What?" An exasperated sigh. "There's no-one there." "But... I'm sure I saw something. It just looked..." Overhead the beating of soft wings, drifting through the night. "See? It's just an owl. Now..." the murmur of a kiss, and a high, delicate giggle, "come on - we'd better get back inside before somebody catches us out here." "Mmm..." Another kiss. "Is that a proposal?" "Is that an answer?" Quiet laughter, flitting away into the darkness. "Maybe..." Shoujo Kakumei Utena : Angel ---------------------------- Chapter 2 : The Warmth Of Her Wings Darkness, and the scent of roses. Still shivering in the remnants of a nightmare, Himemiya Anthy drifted slowly awake. Her hands lay folded together against the bare skin of her chest; bitterly cold, she clasped her fingers tightly, nails biting painfully into her palm. Instinctively she tried to clutch her legs against her chest, for comfort as much as for warmth. Her knees banged solidly, painfully against the pitch blackness which surrounded her. Beneath her back, a carpet of leaves shifted as she writhed, their cloying scent filling the air around her. Hesitantly she took one between her fingers, trailing it delicately against her skin; it felt like-- With a terrified scream she pounded her fists against the cold wood of her coffin, claustrophobia rushing in upon her in a nauseous wave. She could barely breathe; she had to get out, but the lid wouldn't move and she couldn't get out and the rose petals were choking her but she could never escape again and she couldn't breathe couldn't breathe cou-- In a moment of desperate release, the heavy wood tumbled aside. A hollow, resounding boom deafened her as it finally hit the floor of... wherever she was. Gasping for breath, Anthy sat upright, anxiously trying to massage some life back into her cramped limbs. The darkness outside her coffin was barely more revealing than that inside, the only light a faint glow in the distance, far ahead of her. Forcing strength into her aching arms, she hauled herself unsteadily from where she lay, her legs dangling for a moment over the precipice before she dropped to the floor. The flagstones below were almost numbingly cold against her bare feet. She shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, arms crossed tightly over her chest as she peered into the gloom. Her first impression was of a vast, cavernous space; she fancied she could almost hear the echoes of her breaths rebounding from some great ceiling lost far above in the darkness. On either side great, serried ranks of stone pillars stretched away ahead of her, the galleries beyond them lost in shadow. The light ahead seemed perhaps brighter now and, uncertainly, she began to walk, hoping with every step that she would not find herself falling endlessly into the night. The beating of her heart sounded loudly in her ears, and she soon found herself hanging on the sound of her own breaths, trying somehow to measure a sense of time in this strange place. With every step now her unease began to grow. The lightless depths at her sides seemed heavy with lurking malice. A chill wind drifted amongst the silent columns, bringing with it a distant sussuration of half-formed words. ... shh ... ay ... tss ... hay ... ou ... Louder now, and not her imagination at all, not a trick of her mind. Perhaps one voice, perhaps many, a unison and a disharmony at once. urn .y. ash ... ill .e. ray .ou. k-k-k ... Closer, the growing clarity of moonlight; stained glass and fractured colours. A darkness of edges and of knives. hateyouhateyou...tyouateyouha...meh...tyouHATEyouhurty...hatemehateyou Ahead of her an altar-stone, scarred blood-red in a fragment of light. The voices rising all around in a rasping, metallic crescendo. A chant of names echoed in her ears, hers and not hers and some she knew and some she'd forgotten she'd had. She clutched her hands over her ears in pain, but still she (traitor) could hear them (witch) in her mind (hope you suffer), tearing apart her thoughts (don't want this). Every step (broken glass and acid) was a bitter struggle (FUCK YOU GOD FUCK YOU FUCK YOU) against the clamour in her head (what you wanted, bitch). bleedwhywon'tyoudiedon'tyou knowIloveyouwhenyouscream A soft haze glowed faintly in the darkness beyond the altar, a broken image traced in blood, flesh and piercing metal, the tattered memory of wings and hair the colour of faded roses. Her. Anthy's knees went weak, her body collapsing breathlessly against the altar. Silence, pure and utterly empty broke over her with sudden, terrible force. "U...Utena-sama..." There was no reply; her head hung limp and motionless against her chest, her tangled hair obscuring her face. A rapier blade pierced the palms of her hands, suspending her arms in the darkness above her head, black trails of encrusted blood running down her arms. From her stomach the hilt of a second blade protruded, the image of a rose clearly visible at its base. Struggling to stand, Anthy ran to her, tears clouding her eyes. With desperate strength the took the sword in her hands (the grip, she noted sickly, fit her as perfectly as it always had) and pulled. The blade slid easily, bloodlessly free, and she hurled it aside in disgust as the naked, bloody body of the girl she had sought for so long slumped weakly into her trembling arms. The tears ran freely down her face now, the warm, shallow breaths against her neck setting her skin afire. She blinked them back joyfully, calling on the last of her strength as she helped the taller girl to stand. The wound at her chest, she noted absently, was already little more than an old, faded scar. For endless moments they simply stood, eyes locked wordlessly together, cold hands against her skin in a shivering embrace. "Anthy...?" She swallowed hard, struggling to speak. "Why? Why did you come back?" Anthy felt her tears return, and this time she made no effort to fight them. "How... can you even ask... that?" she whispered. Fingertips traced lightly across her skin, leaving her trembling in exquisite arousal as they drifted higher, across her chest... her shoulders... her neck... "Because you were free..." Fingers tightening softly, almost to the point of pain. Anthy's breath caught in her throat. "Because you ripped my heart out and left me to die!" With crushing strength, Utena forced her back against the cold stone of the altar, bending her body painfully back over the edge. "Because you left me here and you *laughed* because you *knew*!" Keeping one hand around Anthy's neck, she pressed the other against her chest, light gleaming brightly between her fingers. Lifting it away, she began to draw forth her heartsword, darkness gathering in her eyes. Halfway along its length, the blade was a shattered ruin, jagged edges gleaming sickly in the moonlight. Anthy gasped in horror, struggling desperately to free herself. The tip of the blade danced before her face, leaving flickering firefly trails in the darkness, weaving closer and closer. "Your brother did this to me... the fool. He was just as blind as I was, wasn't he?" Ice-cold metal pressed sharply into her skin, pressing uncomfortably up against her lower eyelid. "All the time I was so afraid of the Ends of the World..." "N... no... I..." A tiny rivulet of blood slid warmly down her cheek, spreading slowly across her lips. "And he was just another one of your pawns!" Anthy struggled desperately to speak, kicking weakly against the girl standing over her. "I... l... luh--" The grip on her throat tightened, cutting off her words. "You watched..." Point of pressure, pain spreading over her face. "You liked watching, didn't you?" Harder, sharper, and ohgodohgod why wouldn't it end? "Ne, Himemiya... don't you know I've always hated you?" Darkness burst through her mind, black end empty light and the warmwetsickhurting that was all the world. Someone was screaming, and she was so very, very glad it wasn't her, only her mouth was open and it *was* her and-- A vicious blow across the face brought her back to a stunned awareness, nausea crashing through her body with every choking breath. The edge of the blade traced a numb, searing line down her neck, a slow, jagged parting of the skin. She tried to open her eyes, only they wouldn't and she couldn't and-- "I'm not the only one, am I?" A harsh, deadly whisper, the centre of her reality now. First rib, second... third... third and fourth and end it, pleasepleaseplease won't you *end* it? "They told me, you know. Each and every one of them." Line of blood down her body, a lascivious caress scored deeply across her breast. "And there are so very, very many of us, aren't there?" Stomach and belly, liver and spleen and small intestine maybe flowing over her hands, that was how they used to do it, and it had to end soon because there was nothing more nothing nothing more to hurt. "You teased us and played with us and laughed when we couldn't hear." Lower still, and thank god she was going to die going to die there wasn't any-nonononoNO "Spreading your legs for your princes with their swords..." ...screaming and screaming at the sudden cessation of pain... "Won't you be my whore like all the others?" The waiting, the godawful helpmewon'tyoufuckinghelpme *waiting* was worse so much worse so much worse-- "Witch." ...thrust and there couldn't be any pain left how could there be pain like this left when she was dead already... "Murderer." ...thrust and stench of blood and piss and blissful madness where's the madness why still so fucking sane where's the madness... "What's wrong? Don't you love your only Prince?" Anthy screwed shut her eyes and drew a shallow, choking breath. There, between her hands, the ice-sharp hilt of the sword writhed and twitched. With a last, desperate effort of leaden arms and blood-slick fingers she wrenched it free. ...hideous, nerve-searing scrape of metal on bone... She screamed. The tip of the blade slid weakly from useless fingers, jet-black beads of blood glistening sickly in the light. Her whole body began to shiver uncontrollably. She was so very, very cold... From above her came the tiniest of movements and the whisper of a breath. Her one good eye met two of deepest, perfect blue and sorrow beyond the depths of her dreams. "Anthy?" "U--" She gulped back the bitter lump in her throat. "Utena?" "Anthy? Is that you? It's so dark... so dark, and I can't..." Torn hands cradled the beautiful face that had haunted her every thought for so many years, alabaster skin framed in blood. With the barest sigh, Anthy slipped into her embrace. Needle-point puncturing the skin. The slow, sensuous parting of flesh. The delicate softness of her lips. Darkness. And the warmth of her wings. FIN "I've never in my life had a problem giving another person what they want. But no one's ever been able to do that for me. No one touches me, no one gets near me. But now you've touched me somewhere so fucking deep I can't believe and I can't be that for you. Because I can't find you." -- "4.48 Psychosis", Sarah Kane Author's Notes -------------- Where to begin? Perhaps the ending, which had been wandering around my mind ever since I first watched the end of Utena; perhaps even at the beginning, because it's always the hardest thing to write. Some of this I'd been longing to write... and some of it I wish had never been inside my head. It's done, though - no apologies; no regrets. For me this story represents probably the closest I'll ever come to an explanation of my view of the original storyline. Other people have picked up all sorts of ideas from various parts of it - many of which I hadn't intended, or simply hadn't recognised at the time. That alone, for me, makes the effort worthwhile. I hope you enjoyed reading it. -- Adam Jones (adam@yggdrasl.demon.co.uk)(http://www.yggdrasl.demon.co.uk/) .oO("Mine looks fine. Enjoy." ) PGP public key: http://www.yggdrasl.demon.co.uk/pubkey.asc